by Robin Roseau
“I know I did.”
“And Ida saw it as personal opportunity, that she was owed, that she deserved to be treated better than anyone else.”
“Well, guess what,” Tara said. “She wouldn’t have a product to sell without the three of you.”
“Gail,” Evie continued. “If you came away changed by the event last year, it’s because you requested it. We don’t know why, but we can give you a few names if you want help figuring it out.”
“I’ll think about that,” Gail said. “So it’s not that someone did this to me. I asked for it.”
“You may not have been specific,” Joy said. “You may have made a request, and this is how it is manifesting.”
“Or it could be programming gone haywire,” Evie said. “That can happen, things get twisted around. Are you upset about it? Is it hurting you at work or in your other relationships?”
“I just don’t understand it. I mean. Selena is amazing.” She turned to me. “You’re amazing. Anyone who gets to know you should feel the way I do. I just don’t understand.”
I snorted.
“Okay, I get it. I’m contradicting myself, but only because I’m struggling to express myself. I think you understand what I mean.”
“I do,” I said.
“You can get it Altered away,” Evie said. “Or you can ask someone to help you figure it out.”
“I don’t want it Altered away,” Gail replied. But then she glanced at Mary and then back at me. “But I may end up having to, eventually. I’m not ready to make that decision yet.” She looked me in the eye. “Do I need to speak more clearly?”
“No, although I feel a little weird now.”
“Tough.”
Beside me, Mary gave a little laugh. Gail turned to her. “What do you think about all this?”
“I think deep down, you’re trying to figure something out,” Mary replied. “Do you think wedding bells are involved?”
“I don’t know. How about you?”
Mary tossed her hair. “I’m willing to share her for a while longer. Figure your shit out.” She turned. “You, too, Nan.” Nan nodded, and Mary turned back to Gail. “Selena’s figuring her own stuff out. I think you’re way more gay than you seem to believe.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Twice I’ve caught you checking out my backside, and I’ve heard you sigh over people at work. I won’t name names, but they weren’t guys.”
“You have not!”
“Yes, Gail, I have. Furthermore, if I’ve caught you twice, I bet it’s been a lot more than twice. Maybe you don’t know you’re doing it. Gail, I don’t think they turned you on to Selena. I think they focused you so you could figure your shit out.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I think Selena represents one version of what you want, but the reason you haven’t asked for a committed relationship is because she doesn’t represent everything you want.”
“And you think you do?”
“Oh, no. I think my backside represents part of what you want, but only part.”
Gail folded her arms. “You think you know me better than I know myself?”
Mary paused. “Gail, I’m not attacking you. If it seems that way, I’m sorry.”
Gail looked away. We gave her time, and then she said, “I’m being defensive.”
“I don’t blame you,” Mary said. “This probably is a more expansive audience than you wanted for this conversation, but it’s not like we talk about stuff like this at work.”
“Thank god,” Tara muttered.
“I didn’t know most of what you’ve said, and even less of what Evie and Joy said,” Mary continued. “I came to conclusions while we’ve been sitting here. I could be off base. But I’m not lying when I said I’ve caught you. I know what it looks like when someone’s checking out my butt. And I know what a sigh sounds like. If it had been once, it wouldn’t have registered. But it’s more than once.”
“Is there a pattern?” Gail asked, turning back.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Once was when Ida left after a meeting, but that could have been a sigh of relief. I’m fairly sure some of the sighs weren’t relief, but wistfulness.”
“Wistfulness?”
“That might not be the right word, but I don’t have a thesaurus in front of me,” Mary said. “Close enough. Longing? I don’t know.”
“Longing.”
“I could be wrong,” Mary said. “But my job is to pay attention to people, and how they work. I’m good at my job. That skill doesn’t only apply to computer systems. My college major was in psychology, but I’m not a licensed therapist, and I don’t have that kind of experience. I could be completely off base.”
“But you don’t think you are.”
“No. I don’t think I am.”
Gail nodded. “It is a pretty good butt.”
“Thank you,” Mary said. “For the record, I’ve checked out yours, too.”
That caused several smiles, including Gail. “And?”
“And, it’s a nice backside,” Mary said. “You and I could be friends, but we’d be terrible lovers. You don’t sigh over me. You appreciate my appearance.”
“I’m fairly sure you don’t sigh over me, either.”
“I don’t sigh over anyone. When I decide I want someone, I may wait for a while, but eventually I ask her out.”
“According to you, there are people at work I want to ask out.”
“No, according to me, you’re trying to figure shit out. I think you’re going to need to get your alteration reversed before you’re ready for that, but I don’t think you’re ready for that yet.”
Gail glanced at me. “No, I’m not.”
“All right, then,” Mary said. “We want you to participate in this event. So let’s talk about that.”
We did, and then we came to other decisions.
Feeling the Hooks
Two days later, Nan stepped into my cube and pulled up my guest chair. That was rather unusual for us, as normally I went to hers. But she sat down in my guest chair, and I rotated to face her. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she replied. “Selena.”
“You look nice.”
She smiled. “Thanks. Selena.”
“Did you come to break up with me?”
“No. Would you stop interrupting?”
“I’ll try.”
“Selena.”
“You’ve said that part.”
“Would you stop it?” she said. “Seriously.” I made a locking my lips gesture. “I don’t treat you very well.”
“Oh, please,” I said. “You treat me exactly the way I want you to.”
“I bet you want me to introduce you to my parents.”
“Nan, I think that’s far more important for you than it is for me. I think you’re struggling to be happy.”
“You’d be exclusively mine if I did. Well, if I had done it earlier. Now I’m not sure I can wrest you from Mary.”
“I’m not seeing her any more frequently than I see you,” I replied.
“But my basic message?”
“You’ve never said you wanted me to be exclusively yours.”
“I said that if I couldn’t introduce you to my family, that it wasn’t fair to you.”
“Are you suggesting we should be exclusive?”
“No. I’m suggesting I’m not very fair to you.”
“Have I complained? Even once?”
“No.”
“Well then. Are you coming here to change our relationship?”
“I don’t know. I just…” She huffed. “I’m mad at myself.”
“For how you treat me?”
“For how I treat our relationship, for how I’ve treated all my relationships. My family is important to me, but they’ll never understand. They would either do their best to drive us apart, or they would disown me. They’d never accept you. I’m not sure they’d accept any westerner, but they absolutely won’t accept a western wo
man.”
“Would they accept a Chinese woman?”
“Probably not, but that’s only two strikes instead of three.”
“Two?”
“Being an obedient girl,” she said. “They would see any woman as being disobedient, and as luring me to be disobedient as well.”
“I understand now.”
“Selena, I don’t know what to do.”
“I know you don’t,” I said. “Nan, we can keep doing what we’re doing. But I think long term, you’re going to struggle to be happy. I hate the idea of you capitulating to their plan for you. I think you’d be miserable. I think you’re less miserable with things the way they are.”
“I don’t know what to do,” she said again.
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to take you home and tell everyone you’re my girlfriend, that we make each other very happy, and that we’re moving in together. I think if I’d suggested that three months ago, you’d have gone with me. I’m not sure you would if I asked you now.”
“I don’t know.” Probably not. “I’d go with you, though. The girlfriend part. But I don’t know about the moving in part. But I bet you’re not suggesting that’s what we do.”
“No. You asked what I want. That’s what I want. But they’ll be horrible to you, and even more horrible about you. Father will yell. Mother will ask me why I’m doing this to her, and why I’m bringing shame upon the family.”
“Do you consider it as bringing shame?”
“I’m not ashamed of one thing,” she said. “Except for being a coward.”
“I know what I want for you,” I said. “But I’m not the one who would pay the price.”
“You’d pay part of the price.”
“Frankly, the only person who I care about in that situation is you. Would they accept me as a friend, or is close friendship with a western woman also forbidden?”
“What are you proposing?”
“Bring me home to meet them as your friend and coworker. Tell them I was asking about Chinese culture. Apologize for how much I don’t know. All that would be absolutely true. Let them get to know me as a person.”
“I don’t know if I can avoid looking at you the way I do, or for that matter, whether you could avoid looking at me that way.”
“Don’t worry about me. Would they even notice? You would notice every glance, but would they even be looking for those kinds of signs?”
“Mother might notice. My sister would see right through me.”
“Would she rat you out?”
“I don’t know. She might decide to blackmail me.”
“That would be one way to get through it. Let her tell.”
“Great plan.” I could hear the sarcasm.
“It’s not that bad a plan, and it presupposes she even guesses. And then it presupposes she picks the wrong side. Is she a hateful person?”
“Not normally, although we don’t see eye to eye on very many things.”
“Well,” I said. “If you want to introduce me to your family, I’m capable of being reasonably charming. I don’t have a clue how to behave to Chinese standards, and unless you want to get me Altered for it, I don’t really intend to try. But I can be prim and proper. Or we can continue as we are, but I really think you need to make a change, and it shouldn’t involve capitulating to your family. You’ll be miserable.”
“I know.”
“It’s your life.”
“I know.”
“I thought China was relatively progressive on this.”
“That’s the propaganda, but we don’t live in China. My parents have very traditional values, so it’s not any different than a conservative American family, but coupled with Chinese views of devotion to family.”
“Ah. Nan, I’ve never had to deal with this myself. I’ve had friends whose parents haven’t responded well, and a few who hide from their parents. But my mom has always simply said she wants me to be happy.”
“I wish I had that.” She sighed. “I didn't come here to change anything. I’m going to think about what you said.” She stood. “Busy this weekend?”
“Nope.”
“Come to my cube, late afternoon.”
I smiled. “I will.”
* * * *
I watched her leave, then stared at the open doorway, thinking. I wasn’t sure I believed she hadn’t come to change our relationship.
I think she was wondering if I’d pledge to an exclusive relationship. She was right; a few months ago, I would have. Hell, a few weeks ago, I would have.
But Mom had been right: Mary had her hooks in me, and I didn’t want to pull them out. If anyone was worth committing to, it was Nan, but only if she got her shit together. Well, six weeks ago, I’d have committed if she’d asked, shit or no shit.
But now there were hooks.
We did, however, have a very nice weekend. And if she is to introduce me to her family, well, if so, we’ll get to that.
Some Decisions
We made our arrangements. Tara insisted on covering the guarantee, although she wanted the rest of us to pay our full fees, and so we did. Tara would eventually be reimbursed, and the event would cost her no more than it did the rest of us.
And then Pandora called me. “Hey, Mom,” I answered.
“Hello, Selena. I’d like to see you. As a friend, not a daughter.”
“I’d like that. When?”
“Tomorrow? Dinner at my place?”
“Sure. Can I help?”
“No. It’ll be something simple. I might just pick up some take-out.”
“That works for me. What time?”
“Six?”
“Can I bring anything? Do you want me to dress?”
“I’d prefer you be dressed, yes,” she said with a laugh. “I want to talk to you about something. Nothing bad, okay? But I don’t want to discuss it over the phone.”
“Okay. Tomorrow. Six.”
“Thanks, Selena.”
* * * *
I actually arrived before she did. I got a text that she was on her way, but her order hadn’t been ready. So I sat in my car, making sure I wasn’t blocking her garage stall, until she pulled in. We waved as she drove past my car, and then I was out of mine and following her before she was fully parked.
“Give me a hand,” she said. “I think I over-ordered.”
She had her laptop and one of the bags. I grabbed the rest and followed her into the house. We set everything down and turned to each other for a hug.
She kissed my cheek but then said, “Don’t call me Mom tonight. You’re a friend.”
“Okay. Is that something permanent?”
“No, no. I’m going to want a 15-year-old at least once more.”
“Sure. Any time.”
We separated, and she smiled. “I couldn’t do that.”
“Be altered into someone’s teenage daughter?”
“Yeah. The idea makes me shudder.”
“I like it,” I said. “Well, I probably wouldn’t have agreed if I’d known that was going to happen, but that was a fabulous weekend, and I enjoyed our last time, too.”
“Good. So did I. Let me change. Can you plate everything?”
“Sure.”
She disappeared towards the stairs, and I set to dealing with the food, setting the table for two, sitting kitty-corner rather than at opposite ends of the table. I was just grabbing a soda when she appeared, now dressed in jeans and a blouse. We smiled at each other.
“I don’t know what you want to drink.”
“I think I’ll boil water for tea, but I’ll drink water until it’s ready.”
“Sit. I’ll take care of it.” I saw to the electric kettle and a glass of water for her then took my seat. “This looks lovely.”
“Thank you for coming over.”
“Thank you for inviting me, and for considering me a friend.”
We dished up and focused on the food for a minute. The kettle went off, so I po
ured the hot water into a carafe and set it on the table, then added her tea collection and two mugs. Tea sounded good to me, too.
We both fussed with that and ate a little more, and then she said, “I wrote my check to Altered Events.”
“Good,” I said. “I’m glad.”
“And I called Calypso and Aurora. They’re coming.”
“Fabulous!”
“I want them to both lose,” she added.
I laughed. “I don’t think it’s about winning and losing. I think it’s about taking different roles. Whatever happens, I’m not going to decide I lost. I’m going to decide I had fun.”
“You’re right, but I think you also know what I meant.”
“And I think I’d love if you rephrased it, anyway.”
“Fine. I want them both owned.”
“By you?”
“That would work. Or you. Or Gail. I’m not sure I care.”
“Well, I’m not going to stack the deck against them. Were you hoping I would?”
“No. I’m hoping you’ll just see to it that it happens.”
I laughed. “Tell me what you really want.”
“I want to talk smack about them.”
I laughed again. “Are you really asking me to make sure they lose?”
“No, but I won’t complain if you do. Or if you help. Or if you get someone else to help.”
“And if I don’t? What if they conspire and end up owning you?”
“They better not.”
“What if?”
“Then I’ll still have a good weekend.”
“And will you ground your daughter over it?”
She turned to look fully at me. “Is that a serious question?”
“Yes, actually.”
“Oh, Selena. No. I’m talking smack. That’s all.”
“Are you sure?”
“90 percent. Yes, I want them owned. I really do. I wouldn’t at all mind if I do the owning, but if that happens, it won’t be for sex.”
“Just worship.”
“That’s right.”
“I tell you what: if I’m in a position, within the fair rules of our event, to help any of that happen, I will.”
“Excellent.”
“But I might not go out of my way, and I won’t cheat. If you want to recruit help, you’re perfectly capable of doing so without my help.”