My Bet Is You

by Manuela Ricci

  "Okay," they murmur, and I do not know if he heard me, but we are so broken and united at the same time, our legs are intertwined in a boiling mess.

  "You have a light that you want to keep close, that you can show me if only I wanted."

  It only takes these words to make me understand that I am trapped here, and with him.

  15

  A LIGHT THAT CAN NOT WAIT

  Carrie

  Excuse me, I'd need this book ...the heart speeds up, I feel throbbing in the ears, I cling with all his might to something that feels like escape. That smile should be banned ... it is pressing breath, up to fail, and reeling in my own air. It's just a coffee, then I promise I'll disappear ... A whirlwind of emotions troubled, and shear as many small blades, implodes, risucchiandomi like I could not avoid it, and so, I can not avoid it.

  They are there with him, with his eyes that seemed to penetrate into a part of me that I had not shown anyone before him.

  "Carrie!" The body trembles.

  "Carrie wake up!" I open too heavy eyelids, feeling lost, I struggle to understand where I am, I see only the Logan's eyes staring at me in fear.

  "You okay?" He asks, and then stand up and slingshot toward the bathroom with the faint light from 'bedside lamp that illuminates her bare back. Shooting down on the bed, with the blanket

  close to his chest, and I realize only now that it was just a dream ... a nightmare, a fragment of my past.

  "Here, six soup." Logan I pressed a towel on the forehead with light and careful touch, I see him trying to study my face, my reaction, but I'm like a black hole, you can not see anything, because you do not I show nothing.

  The light of which he speaks, it is off for a long time, a light that I see, and I do not know if there is ever a day when will again brighten my days.

  "What did you dream?" His voice was almost a whisper, down towards the neck continuing to dry the streams of my past. "I had a nightmare." His eyes come to me with a similar impact in a crash, as if he knew very well that the same lying. I look away, his, that color that seems to speak to you in its nuances, it hurts, it makes me feel exactly as I do not want ... to fend for myself. "You have to change you." He goes to the closet and pulls out another of his shirt, puts me in his lap, and walks out of the room. His footsteps, heavy, rumbling down the stairs. I hear a faint hum, and I get up, my legs almost give way when I try to stand up.

  It is always so, when those who damned me back to visit me, to remind me of who I was and what I did.

  I reach the door ajar, and spy from the slot that shows me the corridor.

  "You're really here?" I recognize the voice of Gus.

  "Yes, it's a long story. However, you have fixed everything? "Asks Logan, but it seems that it is ordering, known hardness in his words.

  "Everything friend, no one will dare even to speak his name."

  I think the humiliation I suffered at the table, the way Logan reacted, and I wonder who has the power to an entire campus. His words can going through my head even now: I walk, you crawl behind me. I breathe you suffocated in my dust.

  "Well, thank you brother." Before hearing his steps down the stairs Gus replied: "We are a family, no need to thank me. Do not forget what you did to Lex. "

  I take the jersey from above the bed and lock myself in the bathroom, I unlocked the door, and I am paralyzed from the image of myself reflected in the mirror. It is as if you could not see beyond the pain I feel coursing through his veins, until I was drowning in it. I open the cold water tap, and still wearing the shirt of Logan within the box, leaving me to invest the frozen stream.

  You are in Stanley, everything falls into hammering incessantly head, but little by little, the water ripping my breath gets stuck in his chest, the images will fade and eventually disappear, as the same water that is lost down the drain, taking away at least for tonight, my torments, the fragments of me that are scattered leaving my past behind sown.

  "Go, now passes. Carrie, breathe, breathe and I just do not drown, "I repeat to myself, with only the sound of teeth flying against each other.

  "Carrie?" I shut the water, waking from the flurry of thoughts, Logan's muffled voice comes from behind the door that separates us.

  "Yes, I did." He lacks the mesh, squeeze, and I put into the sink, I wrap the hot towel and smelling the towel, and little by little I come back to reality. To the person that I forced myself to be, not to collapse, because I can not do it, I can not afford it. I wipe, and it is a gesture that erases the feeling of his hands on my body, those caresses which I have just crossed the skin, creating scars that no one will ever heal.

  I open the little door, just enough to see Logan sitting on the bed with his hands supporting his head.

  "You could ... you could even lend me a pair of pants?"

  She looks at me without saying a word, then passarmene a suit, dark gray. They roll up a couple of times at your sides, I shake the hand punch my underwear still wet. When I go out, Logan's hand binds my wrist.

  "I just have to spread it out, will you?" I do not need to raise my eyes toward her to see that he understood exactly what I did. It felt as if his feelings, his unspoken words, roll around on him as if he was writing on my body, on my soul messy. "On the balcony."

  Leave the close, and throw open the large glass door that overlooks the Pacific. I stop almost on the threshold, staring at the ripples of the waves illuminated only by the light of the moon, crashing on the shoreline.

  "Do not you think you chasing each other without ever be achieved?"

  Logan has powerful arms crossed on his chest, the elbow pressed against the door jamb, on which rests the whole weight of the body. The wind whips my face, and squint slightly, reminding myself that I am exactly where I wanted to be.

  "I think that sometimes you chasing each other the wrong things," I add, stretching out his underwear, holding up his back, because if I voltassi to look in his eyes, I would be trapped by the color of the night reflecting at this time.

  "I'm never wrong, when I run towards my goal." A shiver caresses like a feather spine, hands stop almost suspended in mid-air, I hear his words and decided imbued with something new, rush him with all their weight.

  "And if the goal was too far away to be reached?" I murmur, focusing my gaze towards the deserted beach, surrounded by the silence of the night.

  "I would run faster, until it is. I never let you go. Never, "remarks, and I turn to him, we look, eye against eye.

  The intensity of his gaze penetrates me in, gently glides into me as if to show me his whole

  existence, while I keep my locked in a part of me, that I will never show. I would not understand, and I could not bear to see in her eyes that look that has plagued me for a whole year.

  When I plodded my life steeped in shame, who tattooed indelibly on my skin, with the knowledge that he would never abandon me.

  Some things will come in to stay, good or bad they may be, always get drawn to you, with the hope of potergli survive.

  "I can not be that goal Logan, you'll never reach me."

  The horizon is colored by a purple that always rises more toward the sky. His profile hardens, carving every corner of his face, does not answer me, but I see it in his eyes a promise not to surrender. I know that he will run faster, and I think of not being able to avoid it, a part of me wants to give in to all the emotions that after a long time, I'm still here to remind me that I'm alive, that my heart may still beat wildly a look, a caress, a kiss that rips the ground from under his feet. But what would happen when the end of this journey, we could find only collect what is left after my past will fall on us?

  I can not tell, I do not want to know. I just want to be Carrie, but I myself know of no longer being the person of the past.

  So the next step, his heavy breathing, I

  He observes furtively, is like a socket that tightens around the mouth of the stomach.

  I grab the bag from the foot of the bed, where I had left, looking for th
e keys to my car and before I can turn around at him, I feel the warmth of his body pressed against his back. The hands are placed on my hips, his nose inhales between hair still wet, and then slip into my ear.

  "See you at school 'lighter hisses, tickling the skin shivering heat of her breath too close.

  Almost run away from his grip, I head out the door of his room, down the stairs and go out in the parking lot, my Pick Up rusty is parked beyond the gate.

  When I am near the roar of a car it makes me stop in my tracks. Blaze falls leaving the engine running that fills the silence of a dawn that is rising in a day from which I do not know what to expect.

  "Logan is like?" It is strange that you ask me, its Latin features, tattoos covering her olive skin stand out almost arrogantly.

  "I do not honestly know, I think it was a very strange day for both" confess, realizing myself how true all this.

  "Carrie, I do not know who you are really, but I know that Logan will not let you go."

  I look at him, trying to hide the same desire to cling to him as if it were my salvation, but

  would mean for him to be his undoing, and if there is something that even I understood Logan, is that he has suffered enough in his life.

  "He will, I am not going to hurt him." I take a step to reach my car, but Blaze towards me, towering with his meter and ninety-seven.

  "You do not understand Carrie. You can not escape it, if it's you that wants to, and you will have, it's just a matter of time. "

  Confused wrinkled his forehead, feeling parched mouth, his words to me explode in your face.

  "But what you're saying? I do not want anything to do ... "I do not have time to finish the sentence that bursts into laughter that echoes throughout the bay.

  "You would not be here if I wanted to at least half of what he wants you. Do not bullshit! "

  I turn around, hearing footsteps approaching. Logan tip Blaze quizzically.

  "The I was just saying that Tia was unwell this evening."

  Her eyes of an intense nutty warn me again before he can open his mouth.

  "Yes, in fact, now I go."

  The walk past, and I can perceive only eyes I could feel for a lifetime, bucarmi back to as trying to cling to me, the tug of the bubble in which I locked myself, as if it were my punishment.

  When I return to the Hill, I enter the room, Tia was in the shower, and I sit down with the body that continues to shake as he did throughout the journey that separated me from Santa Monica to here.

  How can I keep him? How do I run away from him, if one wants to hear that crash into your chest, it is to be able to stay again in his arms. Blaze is right about one thing, I can not do crap.

  "You're already back?"

  The mood of Tia, is palpable, rubs the hair in the towel. "So now you're with Blaze?" The question escapes me, and I see just tense up. I know her too well, to know that part of her is still linked to Scottie.

  "Not necessarily, two people should be together for sex." She goes to her closet. "That's right, how did I forget?"

  The irritation in my voice, makes it turn in one click.

  "Do not be, do not do Tia. You're not like the others, "he adds. He observed trying to maintain a neutral expression, but I see it is hurt by my words, but I can not let her get hurt, because they will eventually do it, not only to herself but also to Blaze.

  "I'm not you Carrie ... I ..." I sketch a smile and get up to prepare for lessons.

  "You're right, and you know what? You're damn lucky to be me! "

  I slammed the closet door, a dull thud gets lost in the air we desperately seek, and everything seems to fall apart again.

  "I did not ..." I raise my hand toward her, blocking whatever I think to say, it would not help. "You did not want to say what you said? You also have your own opinion you've held for you as it did Scottie? "I grab my jeans and put them as quickly as possible.

  "You can have it say?" Replies, and making eye contact. I raise an eyebrow, look at her and without hesitation I reply: "But I did. You think this is easy for me to live like this? Trying to hide from what happened to me? Not being able to go back to my city, because it's still mine, the name that all speak with the same disgust? Tia has not, and I thought that at least you could understand me, but maybe I was wrong. "

  I put my sneakers, gathering the textbooks that I need, settle the bag over his shoulder and without degnarla of a look I'm leaving. His silence, words that so I wanted to hear me say do not come, and rest for a moment on the landing of our plan staring at the wall in front of my eyes.

  "Carrie Murphy?" A nasty girl, I remember to have met several times in the palace hands me an envelope. "They delivered to my room by mistake." I take it, thanking her. There is a sender, but only my name, look scocco time of day, and put my purse, realizing that I'll be late to the Campus.

  I walk the halls, I see people dodging my eyes, I turn and I realize that I have behind the twins that I

  They smile. I stand on my feet. "Carrie," I salute both.

  "What is this?" The two look shrug.

  "What story?" Repeats Lex, casting glances of warning to anyone we walk alongside.

  "This!" I point the boy walking with his head down until it disappears over their shoulders.

  "What made you Bettany should not happen to anyone, but hit the wrong person, and now they know that you have to turn away" is Lex, talking casually, as if it were normal threaten people, and it seems to be so for them.

  "This decided the Logan?" I say, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Gus nods with another shrug.

  "He cares about you. We keep him, so yes, the Logan has decided. "

  I try to stay calm, but I shudder from the desire to shout, the days here at UCLA, are not anywhere close to how I imagined. I did not want certainly create new bonds, but not be the one from which people should keep a safe distance if they want to save their pretty face.

  I turn and I lock myself in the bathroom first that I find along the corridor. Fortunately there is none, and reminding me of the letter, go into one of the free toilets, rest standing with his back against the tiles and pull out of the bag. Tear the paper and something slips to the floor, eyes alight

  of that picture, and the heart stops beating, it empties the entire contents, and other views overlap each other. How is it possible? No one knew him ... no.

  I keep repeating to myself and knees gather the scattered pieces of my past. Hands take to shake, the fixed one by one: me and him in the library, he and I in the vicinity of Stanley Park, me and him in his house. I cover my mouth holding back a sob, desperately trying to make his way along the gorge which ends in a knot, almost choking. I bite the inside of his cheek, and reducing tearing to shreds.

  I'm still shocked when I pick up every tiny piece and put it back in the envelope. I can not understand who would know, and the question bothering me for the whole morning. I crawl from one lesson with a pressure on the chest that does not want to let me go. No one must know, no, almost beg to anything I can hear right now.

  You can not tell anyone, if you do it'll ruin you and your parents, to the point that your father will be forced to sell his Ranch. You think I do not know that is about to fail?

  Logan

  "He did not react well when he found us to follow her this morning." Lex brings the barbell above his head with Gus at his back. I start to run on the treadmill.

  "I do not care, I do not know yet to what I'm protecting, but I can not risk that somebody else hurt her."

  I never thought a girl as I find myself thinking about her, but I've had so many to make a comparison, but the point is that Carrie can not be compared to any. She is something I can not explain to myself, overwhelms me, swallows me in his world who does not want to show me. When I stop on his eyes, I try to read past those big doe eyes, but an impenetrable wall stands preventing me from being able to enter into her, to see what torments, what made it so hard on herself. When I hold her in his arms for the
first time I felt at home as I was going for too long. Her scent intoxicated breath I was holding back, the heat of his body warmed my melting the ice that occupied my heart.

  "I do not know who he really is." Blaze, he runs to my side and we both stare in the mirror.

  "I believe this can also be said to ourselves. You think you really know who you are? By knowing your limits? "

  I point out, and those words are enough to turn his gaze. We both know we made mistakes which we are not able to remedy. "I meant what" Stop staring at my race eyes bloodshot. "Then what did you mean?" Growl.

  We never discussed, yet, to defend her, a total stranger I'm ready to do it.

  "I do not see you feel bad for a girl." She's not a girl, she is all the light you can not see, but I can sense when they are close.

  "Do not worry, it will not happen," I lie to myself, I headed to the showers, knowing full well that if there is a person who can destroy me, it's Carrie.

  "Logan, in my office," Mora, our coach, facing the door, with a gesture of his head tells me to follow him. When we're in his office I see his face drawn, the clumsy hands pretending to fix a stack of papers on the desk.

  "Your father called. He wants you to take a month off from the team, in preparation for their wedding. "Pesto his fist on the desk.

  "I can not, damn it, the first league game is in two weeks!" Mora shakes his head, I know that his hands are tied, with everything that my father offers economically to this campus. "Believe me, I've tried my son."

  He's just punishing for how I acted, I had to imagine, is his signature, let me know who is boss. I do not waste time, I threw out the door in a fury.

  Is that what you want? I rush to my car, with the voice of Blaze lash the air trying in vain to call me, but they are already in the driving seat. We press hard on the accelerator headed toward its empire. Maybe I should have done this a long time choosing, but who am I kidding, it's thanks to her if I'm doing it. I never struggled to get anything, and Carrie? She has built a whole life by sacrificing herself.