My Bet Is You

by Manuela Ricci

  I've never seen you lose control like that for a girl. " I laugh, pulling on the jersey.

  "Because she is not remotely close to others I've attended." I used them like they used me to go to bed with the quarterback of the team, and give some air the following day at the table. Never anyone had come into my head, no one had ever looked at me like she did. He never saw me as a goal to reach, but as a problem to be avoided.

  "I understand ..." tries to tell Blaze, I sling on him, clinging with his fists clenched at his jersey, slam him against the wall behind him.

  "You do not understand a shit!" Narrowed his eyes on him quivering with rage.

  "Stop it!" Lex grabs me by the shoulder, spintonandomi to get away.

  "You're fucking up the brain?" Shell's look at both.

  "I'm already fucked up!" Grunt, turning their backs to rush the field, closely followed by both.

  The boys are already divided, the freshmen cover the missing roles. Lex pass me by side, giving me an admonishing look, put on a helmet and wear. Blaze could beat my ass, but he did not, he left that you took me with him, when it's all my fault.

  His eyes are projected in the mind, hammering his temples, and the body stiffens and relive the moment when my lips clung to his body, and his voice full of delight pronounced my name as a promise that has failed to to maintain.

  I place behind Smith, ready for action, I observe Lineman towering line of defense, the Lineabeckers behind them, alert to intercept what will be our move. I lean forward, ready to grab the ball.

  Fixed Blaze in front of me and pronounced: "Hut! Hut! Hut. " Smith makes her snap, grab the ball, I keep it close to your chest, we all scatter field, grind yards as I think I have ever done. I'm not running to win, I have already lost, I'm running to survive the gash I hear form in the chest with every step that steps on the ground is getting worse.

  Wriggle with the look to my right, one of Tight End Blaze, I'm going to tackle, interception Lex, my lightning, let the ball roll on the hand, to arch your back to give me the momentum, bend the elbow, and launch with all the pain that rolls on my skin. I follow the ball landing between his hands as manual, squirts toward the goal, the ball bounces on the grass like a missile.

  "Touchdown!" Shouts inflating his chest.

  All excited exult, for that passage, the speed in which I have put in place, but I do not give a fuck. I look at my life, football, and I can not feel free, as it always was when his feet touched the magical field, the smell, the sweat-soaked bodies for the relentless race to victory.

  "Good game, you should get pissed more often." Lex says, giving me a pat on the back, we all return to the locker room after being cut to pieces.

  Dopo le docce, nemmeno i commenti di Mora riescono a farmi trasalire dal vorticare di pensieri disconnessi che affollano la mente. Potrei sapere tutto questa sera stessa, mi basterebbe aprire quella dannata busta, ma sarebbe come tradirla, ma forse non è solo questo a fermarmi. Forse sono io, che sto solo mentendo a me stesso, con il timore di scoprire cosa realmente nasconda il suo passato.

  Carrie

  Sono rotto anche io ora, grazie a te, continua a rimbombarmi nella testa, fino a quando non mi chiudo la porta della stanza alle spalle e crollo tremante su di essa. Resto immobile a fissare la camera vuota, e non riesco a pensare ad altro che a quel maledetto incontro, a Logan, alla sua vita e a tutto quello che accadrebbe se solo sapesse del mio passato.

  "I can not do this to him 'reproach myself, I think back to the time when I asked him to give it all up, and for what? To get to his side such a messed up girl who has yet to discount the price of his choices?

  On all fours I reach the bed, put my head under, extension my old suitcase and rummage inside, grabbing my medical record. I sit with legs crossed, looking through the papers for the umpteenth time now wrinkled. Part of me is contained in these pages, in these lines that have indelibly tattooed on the skin, and forever changed my life.

  The door opens, I have time to put everything in place when Tia sits beside me.

  "Why are you crying?" He asks. I had not even realized that tears were plowing through my cheek with the back of the hand wipe my face, and I turn to her.

  "He ... He's here." I can only say, his mind invaded by his voice, his grin, as many times as my body has been a victim of his outbursts, his blackmail, psychological tricks that I realized when it was too late, and there was no way back, to escape what would happen next.

  "How are you here? Where did you see? "The Tia hand grabs my arm, her eyes wide. He never knew who he really was the person from whom run away, even if it has always been under his gaze. I stand up, trying to force back the bile, throat burning acid taste of my nightmare.

  "Out of UCLA ... yesterday." I reach the door window, and I stop to look at what my future should have been, but the truth is that you can't escape from your past. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I shrug my shoulders.

  "I don't know, I was confused, scared, I didn't know what to do."

  Interlace your hands in your hair. "Did you tell Logan?"

  I shake my head in denial.

  "I can't Tia, I can't tell him what happened to me, not anymore."

  I feel the tears pinch the corners of my eyes, and I look for the strength that brought me to here, the same determination with which I forced myself not to give up, but there is nothing left. I let the feelings enter me, that he insinuated himself into the

  my head, and now my wall, my barriers have collapsed into a pile of rubble.

  "Why can't you Carrie?"

  I look straight into her eyes.

  "His surname is too powerful, his life is constantly in the spotlight, I can't do this to him."

  Partly chin, knowing well that it's not the only reason I decided to take a step back, there's a lot more going on, but I can't tell him.

  "You have to put an end to all this Carrie, you can't let him come back into your life."

  I know she's right, she was the one who saw the first bruise, she the first one I lied to, believing that what was happening to me would be over, because he wasn't always like that, but I was deceiving myself.

  "You know, because I'm waiting. When the time is right, he will pay for everything he did to me. "

  Hands clench in two fists, squeeze my eyes and try to erase from my mind excerpts of that sick life, of that physical pain that I still feel burning on.

  "Why can't you tell me who it was?"

  I smile weakly, placing a hand on her cheek.

  "To protect you. If I had spoken, if it had been known, he would have blackmailed you too. I didn't want a problem, in which I got myself into it, could become yours too ».

  His eyes are veiled with tears, he throws his arms around my neck, suffocating those sobs that take my breath away in my throat.

  "What are you going to do with Logan?" I promised him it wouldn't be goodbye, that it would help both of them, even though I know, that it's really only going to help him.

  "He'll be fine, he won't think of me anymore."

  The week passes exactly as I had planned: at Danny's I had my shift changed, doing the morning. I attend evening classes, managing to get home at the right time to throw myself on the studio for at least two hours, and have at least five available to sleep. All this so as not to meet him, the telephone rings continuously with its name printed on the display, until the answering machine automatically enters, it cancels its voice message without listening to it, like the rest of the messages that pass from: "You promised", a, "you're destroying me".

  But the problem is, that in reality I haven't even started making him hate me. The times he came here, on the two flights of stairs that separated him from my apartment, I always had the opportunity to take refuge in the laundry, from which I heard his screams railing against Tia. While he accused her of knowing exactly where I was. The last time was the hardest, I didn't run to the laundry floor, I waited behind the wall, to see it at least once.

  The fists that pounded for the umpteen
th time against the door, the head leaning against the jamb, waiting for me to appear at any moment. I felt myself dying, sitting outside my room with my face buried in my hands. I spent the night curled up against the wall, until Tia had come to look for me, to tell me that he was gone.

  "Carrie, are you listening to me?" Drew, sitting at my desk, pulls a piece of crumpled paper from me, I'm lying on the bed with my legs crossed in the air, and the biology book under the nose.

  «Of course I listen to you. You were talking about Friday's party for the opening of the Lacrosse championship. "

  Drew and I met at the same evening biology course, as if someone was sending me signals.

  "You said you'd come." He reminds me.

  Just something on my laptop, and then look up at him. The brown hair is undefined, shaved on the sides, with a rebellious tuft that falls on his amber forehead, where the intense green of his eyes stands out.

  "Yes, I think I said it." I begin to feel nervous about having accepted his invitation, but it will be like removing a band-aid, a sharp tear, and I will only be a distant memory.

  "So is it okay for you if I pick you up around seven?"

  Maybe we could eat a bite together. "

  He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands in a fist to support his chin. Not

  he is muscular, and this inevitably leads me to think of Logan.

  To his powerful arms, to how the veins were in clear relief with every movement he made. The way he held me close to his chest, making me feel safe for the first time, in the right place, but he is not safe, standing by my side. I underestimated too much the return in my life, of who ruined me.

  "Yes, it's okay if we eat something, but nothing challenging."

  I try to smile at him, Drew winks at me, and Tia comes back into the room. He watches me in a circumspect, almost accusatory way, like all the other times he found him sitting at my desk.

  "Well, see you tomorrow, Carrie." Drew gets up, then leans over and places a chaste kiss on his cheek. Those lips are so foreign in contact with the skin that I sit uncomfortably sitting up, greets Tia with a nod and leaves the door.

  "Are you still determined to go out with him?" He points with his thumb back, as if Drew were behind him.

  "I've already explained it to you." I get out of bed awkwardly, tie my hair, and go to the bathroom for a shower where Tia follows me.

  "Can I?" I point to the box, making her understand openly that I have no intention of discussing it with her again. His eyebrows dart upward, almost challenging me as he lowers the toilet seat and sits on it.

  You snort, knowing full well that you won't leave until you have rattled off everything, until the last syllable.

  "You're the last person who can point a finger at me." I warn you, throwing my clothes into the laundry basket.

  I didn't forget what she did when I caught her with Scottie. He tortures his thumb between his teeth, I enter the shower, waiting for the water to get hot.

  "Don't you understand that's why I don't want you to make the same mistake?"

  They know me, rubbing off the feeling of dirt I feel under my skin.

  "I have no intention of going to bed with Drew, Tia." The very thought of him touching me makes me sick.

  "Yes, but everyone will think so when they see you together. Don't you think a mess could happen? What ends up hitting each other? "

  I know he's right, Logan and Drew have already clashed once, because of Brooke, but I'll make sure nothing happens, I've thought of everything.

  "It won't happen, don't worry," I reply, overlooking the sound of the roaring of the water.

  "You're making a very big mistake." His footsteps recede, the door closes, and I'm alone with the weight of what I'm about to do to him, but I can't pull him down with me, because that's exactly what would happen if I were close.

  On Friday morning I am on duty at Danny's, when Lex enters the club.

  "They said you weren't working here anymore," he says, looking confused.

  "I'm in the morning now." He sits down at one of the free tables.

  "Not to meet Logan?" Is that why you do it? Can you tell what the fuck is going through your head? It is a week that is reduced to a rag, it does not eat, it always fixes that damn phone, in the hope that you call it, that you give it at least an explanation. "

  The heart breaks, I realize what I'm doing to him, but I can't stand back anymore.

  "I only called you to tell you I'll be at the Lacrosse team party tonight."

  I know he understood what I'm about to ask, his jaw contracts and his eyes pierce me in the most grim way that I hadn't seen yet.

  "You can't do it, you can't be serious."

  He jumps to his feet, standing out against me with all his height.

  "We will be there too, Logan will freak out when he sees you there."

  I hold my lips in a thin line. "That's why I called you, you have to make sure he doesn't hurl himself at Drew."

  He runs his hand through his hair, sketching a grimace of disgust.

  "Drew? Are you crazy?"

  I swallow hard, knowing full well that Logan will not only hate me after tonight.

  "Believe me, Lex, it's better that way." I start to turn around, but his hand tugs at my elbow.

  «For whom Carrie? Is it better for you? Isn't Logan enough? "

  He shakes his head with the veins of his neck in relief for how patience is escaping his control.

  "No, I'm not the one for him, it's different" I exhale all the air I have in my body, "I called you just to warn you, I did it for Logan. I know you don't understand, and I don't expect you to do it, but believe me, it's better to stay away from me. "

  I go back to the kitchen with my fists clenched, and hope he can listen to me, and avoid a fight going on tonight.

  At six o'clock in the evening I'm ready, with a little black dress that Tia lent me, a pair of boots and her hair in a high tail. Nervously rock the crossed leg.

  "Are you still going to go all the way?"

  He asks me, he puts on his cleavages in a deep red. I bite the skin of my thumb, and I just nod. He will forget about me, he will go on with his life, but above all I will save him from mine.

  They knock on the door and I panic, Tia and I stare at each other in confusion, it can't be Drew, it would be early. I run to the bathroom, the time to close the door behind me, I hear the voice of Blaze.

  "I know he is here. I heard his footsteps. "

  I go out into the open, in front of the person who has always doubted me, from the beginning, and he was right. "You want Blaze, now you've seen me. So? ”He squares me from head to toe.

  "So Lex was right, are you going out with that asshole Drew?"

  I open my mouth in disbelief, I didn't think he would have said it, but in the end why not do it, I'm certainly not their best friend, it's Logan who is.

  "He didn't have to tell you." He laughs bitterly, taking a step toward me.

  "Maybe you didn't understand, that Lex will not just stop him when he sees you. You're making a mess of it. "He says," but I hope it's really worth it. "

  Maybe he is the only one who has realized that I'm running away from something, from which I can no longer hide myself, and I'm saving Logan from all this.

  "I wouldn't have done it otherwise, believe me." He nods, rubbing the hint of a beard that frames his chin.

  "He will freak out, get ready, he is not at the top of his best form. It's been a wandering mine for a week, ready to explode, and Carrie will do it tonight. "

  Tia gives me a look of affection, making me understand that she will be by my side as they leave the room. A little later, a message from Drew warns me that he is waiting for me under the building. I grab the bag, and taking courage, I drag myself down the stairs.

  "Uau, Carrie, you're a crash," Drew says, opening the door to his electric blue Camaro.

  "Thank you." I slip into it, the ocean breeze has changed, it slashes my bare legs
, making me almost tremble, just before the door closes. But in reality it is I who tremble at the thought of finding myself face to face with him, with the knowledge of hurting him.

  "What do you want to eat?" He asks, entering the coastal road, flanking the beach still illuminated by the red of the sunset that is reflected on the sea.

  "What you want." I keep thinking about the moments we spent together, our first fight, how he managed to see in me the desperation to be saved, not knowing that now I'll have to save him from myself.

  I do not realize that we have already arrived, until Drew gives me his hand to go down, I hesitate, but I grab it. He leads me, with one hand resting at the base of his back, into Sushi Gen, near Huntington Park.

  One of the waitresses makes us sit in front of the counter, where the chefs prepare the dishes for us at the moment. I feel uncomfortable, but at the same time I don't want time to go to the party.

  "Taste this." Drew tries to feed me, instinctively I draw back. "Sorry I just ..." I try to smile.

  "Excuse me, and I don't like having the looks of people on me."

  Some couples of UCLA, are seated not far from us, and they stare at us insistently. After Logan's outburst

  in the canteen, for the little trick Bettany concocted, everyone knows exactly who they are, but above all, who threatened to stay away from me.

  "Don't worry," he reassures me, pouring me some sake.

  I just drink a sip. We finish the dinner talking about the imminent championship, its plans for the future, I watch undeterred the clock posted on the wall, it shoots the seconds that separate me from the clash against the inevitable.

  We arrive at the party, in one of the brotherhoods of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon, of which Drew is part. I immediately see the twin car and Blaze's Pick Up.

  "The party started without us. Let's go. »He drags me by the hand, my heart leaps in my throat, and we are hit by the low of the music that pumps all over the house. We push to make our way, and sometimes we stop to greet some members of the Lacrosse team.

  I glance through the crowd of people, unable to see it, and for a moment, I think maybe it didn't come. Until the mass of boys opens up before my eyes like the Red Sea, and Logan pushes his way up to join us.