by Thalia Lark
‘Your turn to what?’
‘Ask you something personal.’
‘Shoot.’
‘When did you – I mean, how did you…’ I hesitated, screwing up my face with frustration. ‘Hold on, let me just think how to word it.’
‘Just spit it out.’
‘Okay, okay…when did you realise that – you know, you liked girls?’
Alex raised her eyebrows. ‘Hmm, interesting question.’ She sat in pensive silence for a while until I bristled with impatience and she turned to me with a light laugh. ‘Alright, alright, I’ll be serious.’ She grinned through the darkness and settled back against the wall. ‘I suppose it’s something I’ve always known on some level. I know that sounds clichéd, but boys just never – did it for me, you know? I mean, I always preferred hanging out with the girls, always loved being physically close to the girls, especially the older girls and my female teachers – like I was always wanting to hug them and stuff…but I didn’t realise my feelings were – you know, physical attraction until only recently.’
I frowned. ‘Really? When?’
She rolled her eyes and nudged my side with her elbow. ‘When I met you, dumbass.’
‘Oh.’ I felt my cheeks warm in the darkness. ‘I see.’
Alex laughed and reached over to pull my hand into her lap, playing with my fingers again like she’d done on the rooftop. ‘How about you? When did you realise you were into girls?’
I deliberated quietly for a moment, my stomach stirring uncomfortably. I really should have foreseen her asking me the same question. ‘Don’t know.’
She looked up at me in silence, a small frown drawing her eyebrows together. ‘Come on, you had to know at some point. Not even when you met me?’
I watched her for a half-second before tears abruptly started pooling in my eyes. I turned my face away in embarrassment, noticing the sudden tension around my fingers as she held my hand tightly between both of hers.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound so—’
I shook my head and scrubbed the moisture away in annoyance. ‘You didn’t say anything wrong.’ I wasn’t entirely sure why I was crying, but tears continued to course down my face silently as she wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me into her side. I tucked my face in the crook of her neck and sniffed, closing my eyes and breathing in her familiar scent of coconut and zesty perfume, relaxing as she rubbed her hands up and down my back gently. I could feel the warmth of her skin through my top, sending waves of calm through my ribcage. I shifted after a little while, rubbing my nose against her sleeve and blubbering out a laugh as she made a passing complaint that she was now covered in snot. I drew back and pulled the edge of my T-shirt up to dry my face, and smiled as I met Alex’s glimmering eyes through the darkness.
‘I reckon you’ve known for a while,’ she said.
I nodded slowly, noticing my fingers were trembling a little without the weight of a drink in them, and so I let my hands hang over my knees to steady them. ‘That first time we played tennis…’ My voice was husky after crying. ‘I didn’t recognise what it was straight away, but I felt annoyed that you wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. Then when you asked if I’d come play again…’ I smiled a little, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand. ‘I got this fluttery sort of feeling in my stomach, and – well, you know the rest.’
‘What about in Warrabeela? Didn’t you like anyone there?’
‘I was never given the chance really. I was always in trouble for something, or struggling to do my schoolwork, or getting – you know, picked on and stuff.’ I hesitated. ‘I’ve never told anyone this.’
‘You can trust me.’
I looked up at her cautiously. ‘Do you trust me?’
‘Of course I do.’ She didn’t even hesitate, and I felt my insides erupt with a warmth that spread right up to my throat. Then I frowned at her, my eyes fixed on hers before they dropped suddenly to her mouth, which was full and flushed from the alcohol. ‘Can I tell you something else?’
She narrowed her eyes at me teasingly. ‘What?’
I gave a small smile. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for weeks now, but I really would like to kiss you. Like, actually kiss you.’
‘I didn’t know you could kiss someone without actually kissing them.’
‘Seriously? Semantics? That’s what you’re going to focus on right now?’
She smiled and glanced towards the ground as she rotated her body and leaned in a little more towards me. ‘Well, if you were to kiss me – like, actually kiss me – I’d probably want to kiss you back.’ She grinned. ‘Like, actually kiss you back.’
‘Okay, you’ve made your point.’ I chuckled and shuffled towards her, the world tilting abruptly with the movement and then gradually falling still again as I steadied my head. ‘Whoa.’
She paused. ‘What?’
‘Nothing. Just dizzy.’
I felt her hand suddenly touch my face as silver stars fizzed in and out of my view. My heart picked up in speed at the tingling warmth of her skin, and the sudden clarity of her sparkling eyes, and the glow surrounding her face as she smiled at me coyly. I took a deep breath, wanting to tell her how beautiful she was but my lips fumbling around the words uncontrollably.
She smiled in amusement. ‘That last shot hit you hard, didn’t it?’
I could feel the tickle of her breath on my chin as she spoke, and smell the tang of liquor rising from her tongue. My mouth parted slightly as though to inhale it as she arched her back and moved her chest in towards me very slowly. She opened her mouth to say something further but I shook my head a fraction and she closed it again, a soft smile lifting up the corners of her mouth. I bridged the gap between us slowly, looking from her rosy lips to her eyes and back again, feeling clammy moisture coat my chin from her warm breath, and then before I could give it any more thought, she tilted her head forward slightly and delicately grazed my lips with her own. I turned my torso towards her as she leaned in closer, my eyes sliding closed as our mouths merged together. I kissed her gently, angling my head to one side and pulling on her lips with my mouth, probing the inside of her mouth with the tip of my tongue. I felt her pull away slightly and followed, my forehead furrowing, before she kissed me again softly, our lips exploring each other with slower and softer movements.
I reached up one hand and touched the side of her neck gently, feeling her shudder against my mouth. I ran my fingers through her hair, pulling her closer against me until I felt her breasts against my chest. Her fingers brushed my waist and she slowly wound her arms around me, prompting me to slowly pull myself up onto my knees. I kissed her gently from above, cupping both hands around her jaw and pulling her closer, blood tingling under the surface of my skin.
Then suddenly my eyes filled with more unexpected and unexplained tears.
I pulled away slightly as they ran silently down my cheeks. My body started to shake a little as I brushed my lips against hers again. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, my lips fumbling against her skin. ‘I don’t know why…’
Alex rose to her knees so we were on eye-level, and wrapped one slender arm around my waist to hold me against her firmly. When she reached up her spare hand and brushed the tears away, I leaned my head into her palm and closed my eyes. She drew me against her chest tightly, holding a hand to the back of my head and lacing her fingers through my hair.
I felt my head spin as I tucked my face into the curve of her neck, closing my eyes and breathing her in, her hair tickling my cheek as I wound my arms around her and held her against me gently. An overwhelming feeling of warmth and affection suddenly washed through me, and my arms tightened around her protectively. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone so much, I thought.
Then suddenly, because the universe decided our perfect moment just wasn’t allowed to continue any longer, I felt my stomach lurch and acrid bile rise up my oesophagus, and I was forced to pull away from her hastily. I struggled to my feet, seeing her follow
out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t even make it to wherever I was blindly headed, leaning forward to throw up onto the pavement without warning. I coughed hoarsely, spitting out the alcohol lingering in my mouth and grimacing, as a hand slowly rubbed my back.
‘You need to work on your drinking skills.’
But the ringing in my ears was increasing and I could barely hear her. I felt my insides twist again with nausea, and my eyes watered as I retched again. I wiped my hand across my mouth shakily, feeling clammy moisture break out across my forehead.
‘Shit, are you alright?’
I nodded, blinking the burning moisture from my eyes. ‘I’m fine.’
‘I think we should probably get back.’ I tried to protest, but my arms were trembling as she gripped them and started pulling me away, and I had no strength to refuse. She wrapped an arm around my waist and helped me struggle to the fence, then gave me a leg-up.
I heaved myself over the top with great difficulty, my head spinning so aggressively the ground rushed up to meet my face before I’d even had a chance to figure out which way was down. I felt the damp cement grate against my body without causing any pain. Then arms helped lift me from behind and I struggled to coordinate my legs beneath me. Eventually I was standing, and leaning on Alex heavily, we must have started making our way back up the street.
I could hear her voice through the buzzing in my ears, but couldn’t register what she was saying as my stomach continued to swirl sickeningly. I groaned and wiped a shaky hand against my jean leg.
‘Juli?’ She was starting to sound worried. ‘Come on, we’re almost home. Then you can sleep it off, okay? Damn, you didn’t even drink that much. Come on, keep walking. That’s a girl.’ Her tone became more urgent as her arm tightened around my waist.
Somehow we must have made it back to the school and through to the dormitories. I was so woozy I didn’t register for several moments that I was suddenly lying on my side. Then abrupt and severe pain erupted in my stomach, and all other thoughts evaporated. I held my hands against the front of my damp shirt, moaning as someone shoved a knife in and out of my abdomen, thrusting it backwards and forwards and backwards, and then holding it in a flame until it was glowing orange and pushing it into my stomach again. I wished the someone would stop doing that, but I couldn’t speak. Then suddenly all the lights were switched off, and I was plunged into dark oblivion.
Hospital Trip
I awoke in a foggy dream-state of kissing Alex Calvin, then vibrant white lights and a pounding in my head dragged me into full consciousness. I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the light, peering around at my surroundings. I was in a raised bed covered in a white sheet and a loose-weave blanket, surrounded by other beds all filled with sleeping occupants. When I tried to sit up, my hand tugged on an IV drip taped to the back of my hand. I hesitated halfway to a sitting position, frowning in confusion. ‘What the…?’
There was movement to my left and I turned my head to see my mother lounging in a padded chair. She sighed in resignation when she saw I was awake, her fingers tightening reflexively around the arms of the chair. ‘You don’t know how conflicted I feel right now, Julianne Page.’
I screwed up my face. ‘What?’
She looked at me coolly. ‘I really want to feel relieved that you’re okay, but all I can think about is beating the shit out of you.’
‘Can you get me some Panadol?’
She exhaled slowly through her nostrils and stood up, pressing a button on the wall beside my bed.
‘What even happened?’ I asked.
‘Well, one of the other students dragged you to the sickbay yesterday evening and then you suddenly passed out. She told your form teacher what had happened, about the drinking at the pub. I got an abbreviated version of the story over the phone while Miss – what is it? Webber? Whelan?’
‘Wheaton.’
‘While Miss Wheaton called an ambulance. They didn’t really know what else to do – you were complaining of severe stomach cramps. They thought maybe you had alcohol poisoning or something. As far as I’m aware, you’re only ailments are stupidity and a serious disrespect for the rules. You’re grounded for the rest of your life after this.’
I frowned and blinked as a nurse appeared in the doorway and strode to us briskly. She smiled to see me awake and said: ‘I’ve paged the doctor for you, Julianne. Don’t worry, it’s not serious. Mild alcohol poisoning. Your body just wasn’t used to the amount you consumed.’
‘I didn’t even drink that much.’
‘Sometimes it only takes a small amount of a strong substance if you’re not used to drinking, and of course the effects would have been heightened with the medication you’re on.’
I sighed. I hadn’t even considered the medication. ‘Shit.’
‘What’s really shit is your total lack of restraint,’ Mum said, folding her arms across her chest. She was much calmer than when I’d trashed the bathroom; I waited though, because I was sure there was a torrent of insults on its way.
‘Where’s Alex?’ I asked.
‘She’s back at school. Probably being lectured by the principal by now.’
‘What time is it?’
‘A little past eight in the morning. I flew in at ten last night but you were still unconscious. The nurses had already installed a drip and catheter—’
‘Ew,’ I said, my eyes falling to my lower abdomen, which was covered by the sheets. ‘I have a catheter in?’
Mum’s face remained stern, her voice cold as she replied. ‘They’ll remove it before you’re discharged. Which shouldn’t be long now I’m sure. The doctor said the best thing to do was let you just sleep it off. He said you can leave after he’s checked you out again this morning.’ She shook her head. ‘How did you even obtain alcohol in the first place? Don’t they do age checks at bars anymore?’
I shrugged, averting my eyes. ‘We didn’t actually go into the pub. We just…drank the leftovers from the bin ’round the back.’
Mum glared at me suddenly and rubbed a hand over her forehead. ‘Jesus Christ. You could have ended up with fucking Hepatitis or something, Juli.’
I squinted in the light, my eyes throbbing dully. ‘Panadol?’
‘You can have some when you get back to school. I’m seriously considering just bringing you home and making you find some work after this.’
I frowned and objected hurriedly. ‘I don’t want to come home.’ All I could think about was Alex, as indistinct memories of last night rapidly flooded my head. I might not have been able to remember details, but the emotions, the warmth, the excitement that had run through my veins as our lips met… There was no way I could leave her now – not after a kiss like that. And I was finally at a place in my life where things actually felt like they were travelling okay. I couldn’t let that go so soon after having found it. ‘I like it here, Mum,’ I said, my forehead creasing. ‘I have nice friends for a change, and nice teachers, and I’m doing better in my classes.’
‘Well, we’ll have to wait and see what the principal says before we make any decisions.’ She folded her arms loosely over her abdomen. ‘If they don’t expel you after this I’ll consider them worthy of ordination.’
I hadn’t even thought of the consequences if we got caught yesterday afternoon. A pang of guilt hit my stomach as my thoughts turned to how angry my teachers would be. Miss Wheaton and the principal had invested so much in me, and all I’d done to repay them was betray their confidence in me and sneak out to drink on the weekend. Then I thought regretfully of my friends, wondering what they would think of my stupid behaviour and knowing they would be worried about me being in hospital. I hoped Miss Wheaton had assured them that I was okay, if my form teacher had even heard.
‘Is Miss Wheaton back at school?’ I asked.
‘She rode in the ambulance with you here, then waited until I arrived before catching a ride back. The doctor told her you’d be fine, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
I n
odded, a frown touching my lips as I drew in a deep breath and sighed. ‘I hope they don’t expel me.’
‘Well…’ Mum shrugged, looking at the wall. ‘We’ll just have to wait and see. But it won’t be terrible if you have to move back home. I thought up a plan while you were sleeping, for if you can’t stay at St Peter’s. I thought we could convert the shed into a small lodge. I have a bit of surplus cash leftover from the cattle, so we can install a bathroom and a kitchenette. And we can set up your bed in there – although knowing you, you’d probably just sleep in the hayloft or something anyway.’
I shrugged, averting my gaze, unable to feel humoured.
‘Then you can find yourself a job in town. I heard there was an opening at the abattoir. If all else fails we’ll just have to take out another loan and buy another fifty head of cattle, and then you can work on the farm again to bring in income.’
I felt a deep and longing sadness overtake me. I couldn’t tell whether it was brought on by the thought that I’d have to leave St Peter’s, or the fact that my own mother genuinely didn’t want to live under the same roof as me anymore.
‘Maybe we can even see if you can enrol at TAFE or something. Do a couple of Ag courses and then join the industry as a fully qualified dairy farmer in a few years.’
I frowned as she continued in an apathetic tone, allowing anger to cross my features to hide my misery. ‘Well, nothing’s been decided yet,’ I said, resisting the urge to look at her face as a tense silence ensued.
‘What’s the matter now?’
I realised suddenly that I’d started crying, and wiped the tears viciously from under my eyes. ‘Nothing. You do what you want. I’ll do my best to stay at school.’ At least I felt like I was wanted there, I thought, remembering the way Lori had laid on my bed beside me and told me she wouldn’t mind if I was gay. My mother had never taken time out just to sit beside me and tell me things like that, not even when Dad was around. I couldn’t even remember her telling me she loved me. Maybe she really didn’t. I sat up as I pushed the thought from my mind aggressively and leaned across to the button on the wall, jabbing it with my forefinger. ‘Where’s the doctor?’ I asked of the startled nurse who appeared at the end of the room.