by Thalia Lark
Mum bristled beside me. ‘Show a little respect, will you?’
‘Why? Why should I listen to anything you say if we’re not even going to live together anymore?’ My tone was low and not particularly threatening, but Mum retaliated anyway, standing up at the end of my bed and scowling at me. Sometimes, she could be just as much of a child as I could.
‘See, this is why you moving back home isn’t going to work. This shit-ass, fuck-the-world-because-I-don’t-give-a-crap attitude of yours. I just can’t control you anymore.’
‘It’s not always about control, Mum. Sometimes it’s just about picking up the pieces because I’m too young and stupid to really know what I’m doing. Isn’t that what you keep saying? I get that I act like a prat sometimes. But sometimes, you know, I’m actually alright to live with, and sometimes it would actually be fun to hang out, and you just can’t see those moments at all. All you can see is how I am when I’m being a shit to look after.’ I grabbed the IV tube with one hand and yanked the needle swiftly from the back of my other hand. Blood started pooling on my skin, so I slapped down the tape to suppress it. Then I slithered out from under the covers, spreading my legs under the thin gown I was wearing and grabbing the tube of the catheter. I tugged, feeling a sharp, uncomfortable burst of pain, like trying to remove a tampon too quickly only worse.
‘How the fuck do you get this thing out?’
The nurse suddenly rushed in followed by the doctor. The doctor pushed me down onto the edge of the bed again, and I waited impatiently as the nurse pulled a trolley over and started inserting a syringe into the tube. I was facing away from my mother and at that moment couldn’t even bring myself to care that there was a nurse fiddling around between my legs. I felt an uncomfortable pulling sensation and clenched my teeth as she dropped the tube in a plastic bag hanging from the trolley.
I looked around. ‘Where’s my clothes?’ I knew how rude and obnoxious I was being, but I was so overwhelmed by the hurt and anger I felt towards my mother right then that I didn’t even care. I would call up the hospital and apologise for my behaviour later.
The doctor looked at me sternly. ‘I’d like to run some observations before you’re discharged, young lady.’
‘Fine.’ I sat while he strapped a blood pressure cuff around my upper arm and clipped a grey rectangular device with a flashing red light on the inside onto my forefinger.
‘Your stats are a little high, but I think that’s mostly from all the excitement.’
I really could have figured that out for myself, I thought.
‘I don’t think it should be a problem for you to return to school if you feel up to it.’
No, I thought, I only tore out the IV and tried to remove a fucking catheter on my own because I’d like to stay here longer. I grabbed the bundle of my clothes from the bench beside my hospital bed and stalked without a word to the bathroom at the end of the room. It took me less than a minute to change and dump the gown in the bin. I didn’t care whether they reused them or not. They could fish it out if they did.
My mother was signing papers on a clipboard, presumably for my release, when I returned to the bed. I ignored her as she thanked the doctor and nurse stiffly for their time, and followed me out of the room. I stalled once out in the hallway, realising I didn’t actually know how to get out of the hospital, and for once Mum didn’t remark. She just took a left silently and walked to the elevator. I followed with my fists clenched inside my jeans pockets.
We caught a taxi back to St Peter’s in stony silence, and I didn’t wait for my mother once it pulled up outside the front gates. I left Mum to pay the fare and climbed out the back of the vehicle before it had even fully stopped; then I slammed the door behind me and broke into a jog across the lawn. My legs didn’t waver from their stunted gait until I reached the girls dormitory complex and ran up the stairs. The tenth-grade dormitory was empty. I crossed the carpet, kicked off my shoes without thinking, climbed up onto my bunk, and lay down with my face in the pillow. Eventually I had to roll onto my side so I could breathe, and then I noticed Lori and Emma had appeared in the doorway looking worried.
They didn’t waste time in scaling the Dead Bed’s ladder, and this time I didn’t resist their concern, and I didn’t try to act macho and pretend I was fine, and I didn’t fly into a rage and tell them to go away. I collapsed into Lori’s embrace as she crawled over to me and held her arms open, and I sobbed with both their arms around me until my eyes were red and swollen and Lori’s T-shirt was saturated with tears.
Crossing Lines
Lori, Emma and I lay on my bed like sardines for a half hour or so and I told them in as many words as I could what had happened at the hospital with my mother. After that we lay in silence, the only noise the gentle ticking of the ceiling fans. They weren’t creating much draft; it was hot and sweaty lying in such proximity to each other, but no one complained.
‘I can’t go back home,’ I said.
Emma frowned. ‘I’m sure they won’t expel you.’
‘The principal said if I did anything as stupid as breaking a mirror again there’d be consequences. And I’m pretty sure getting drunk illegally counts as relatively high on the stupidity scale. It certainly calls for more than a detention.’
‘Yeah, but you got let off the hook for breaking the mirror because you were totally stressed out,’ Lori said. ‘Technically, technically then, if that can’t be classed as your “first warning”, they can’t expel you for this.’
‘I don’t think it works that way,’ Emma said. ‘But hopefully at the most you’ll receive some sort of suspension. After all, it’s not like you meant to get completely wasted.’
‘I’m fairly sure how drunk I actually intended on getting won’t make a difference. But thanks for trying to help, guys.’
‘That’s what friends are for,’ Lori said. Then she wriggled out from my side and sat up all of a sudden. ‘I’m very sorry, but I’ve got to get out of this bed now. I feel like I’m melting, and my left arm is dead.’
Emma and I followed suit and we climbed back down to the carpet one at a time. ‘I think I’m going to go speak to the principal before she calls for me,’ I said. ‘Maybe try to persuade her away from expulsion.’ I sighed again. I would gladly have gone without food and water if it meant I could stay at St Peter’s. I’d never wanted anything so much in my life. I just didn’t want to screw it up again. I held my hand up in farewell briefly to Lori and Emma as they unpeeled their sweaty shirts from their stomachs, and then I made my way downstairs, taking deep breaths to clear my head.
I hesitated briefly once I reached the door of Mrs Bentley’s office, before knocking quietly and pushing it open a fraction to glance inside. The principal raised a hand and beckoned me into the room. Her expression was almost impassive. I tried not to let that unsettle me as I lowered myself into the chair opposite her and clenched my hands together in my lap.
‘I was just about to call for you, Julianne. Mrs Blake just came in to let me know you and your mother had returned from the hospital. How are you feeling?’
I shrugged, my expression deadpan. I was a little unnerved by the tone of her voice. It was tense and slightly anxious – though I could tell she was trying to hide that – and I couldn’t quite decipher whether her discomfort was to do with my state of wellbeing, my impending expulsion, or something else entirely.
Mrs Bentley took a deep breath through her nostrils and laced her fingers together in front of her, watching me seriously. ‘There’s a few things I need to discuss with you, Juli.’
I nodded and swallowed tightly, and decided then and there, before she could ask me herself, to tell her exactly what had happened at the pub – and for possibly the first time in my life, I didn’t distort the truth. I told Mrs Bentley what had happened with brutal honesty, explaining how I’d seen Alex disappear over the fence and had followed her, and how we’d found a dozen bottles with leftover liquor in them and two damaged cans of beer, and how we’d
talked and drank until I started throwing up. The only things I left out were what we’d talked about and the kiss. Then I told her honestly that I hadn’t thought there’d be enough liquor to get drunk, and how I’d forgotten about my medication. When I was finished, Mrs Bentley pressed her lips together and stared at me with slightly narrowed eyes.
‘Well, I must say I’m grateful for your honesty.’
I nodded and remained quiet for a moment, then continued in a voice so small I wouldn’t have thought it was mine if my lips hadn’t been moving in sync. ‘I…’ I hesitated, gazing at the principal’s face intently. ‘Please don’t expel me. I can’t go back home, not after this. I’ll take any punishment, anything you want…just please don’t expel me.’
Mrs Bentley was quiet for a long moment, then her expression softened. ‘You’re not expelled, Juli.’
My whole body slumped suddenly in blessed relief at hearing those words. I glanced up at her again, my tense shoulders relaxing back into the padded chair. ‘What about Alex?’
‘I talked with Alex this morning while you were still in the hospital, and she is fully aware of the seriousness of both your actions. You’ll both be receiving detentions and a black mark against your name, and your weekend privileges in the city are suspended for the rest of the term. I really hope you won’t attempt anything like this again in the future. You’re treading on a very narrow line, Juli, and I’d hate for you to cross it again.’
I nodded, releasing my pent-up breath through my mouth. ‘Thank you. For not expelling me, I mean.’
Mrs Bentley took a deep breath, staring at her clasped hands while she gathered her thoughts, and then she looked up at me solemnly. ‘There’s another matter I need to discuss with you, Juli. It may not be easy to hear at the moment.’
My muscles tensed up again at the seriousness of her tone. ‘Okay,’ I said slowly.
‘I’ve spoken to your mother in the last hour, and she told me what went down at the hospital between you two.’
I frowned but didn’t comment.
‘Due to the nature of her presentation this morning, I felt it necessary to contact Social Services.’
My eyes widened in sudden surprise. ‘What? Why? She’s okay, isn’t she?’
‘Physically, yes. But I was greatly concerned by the way in which your mother spoke of you. She was extremely angry and voicing aloud very aggressive threats regarding your behaviour last night. She also explained to me her plans of converting your shed into a separate house for you.’
‘That’s only because…’ I hesitated, because I couldn’t really think up a good excuse, and then I shook my head and frowned. ‘She wouldn’t actually go through with it.’
Mrs Bentley pressed her lips. ‘Nevertheless…it’s my duty of care not to release you back into your mother’s custody unless I’m sure you will be one hundred percent safe. I hope you can understand that.’
I nodded, my chest feeling a little tight but mostly just hollow with shock. I knew I’d been harbouring a lot of anger and hate and exasperation towards my mother recently, but I’d never thought there could be serious risk in the things she said to me when she was in a temper. I mean, she’d only ever smacked me as a child when I’d been really badly behaved, and the slap across the cheek the other week had been a one-off occurrence. And I knew we’d never been especially close, but she was still my mum, and underneath all the apathy and hostility that generally clouded her view of the world, there was still a part of me that believed she loved me, and still a part of me that loved her. However much we riled each other, I didn’t want to be taken away from her. And at that moment it was suddenly looming in my mind as a real and scary possibility.
Mrs Bentley watched me silently for a moment, giving me some time to digest. ‘I know it’s never easy to hear something like that,’ she finally said. ‘But your safety is of ultimate concern to me. Social Services will organise for someone to come and speak to both you and your mother, and they’ll address the situation from there, okay?’
I nodded, my expression blank.
‘You’ll stay here as normal until they’ve come to an appropriate arrangement. It may be that I spoke out of place and you can return to living with your mother as soon as the holidays come around.’ She paused. ‘I know how distressing a situation like this is, Juli, so I promise I’ll do everything within my power to make the process as smooth as possible, alright? If you need to take a few days off classes, that’s fine. And there will be plenty of people to talk to: myself, the counsellor, and I’ll fill Miss Wheaton in on what’s happening if you’d like.’
I nodded and frowned, the sound of Miss Wheaton’s name jarring me into a little more awareness. My emotions felt like they were in lockdown, but the news somehow hadn’t come as a huge blow. Perhaps there was a small part of me that knew it had to come to this eventually; after all, my mum had never been the most doting of parents, and she had hit me the last time she was here. Maybe her unstable temper had reached a level even I hadn’t fully grasped.
‘Your mother is staying in the spare room by the teacher’s dormitories upstairs if you’d like to go speak with her.’
I gripped the arms of the chair with clammy fingers and nodded again slowly. I must have stunk of alcohol and sweat and antiseptic after all the events of the past night, but I wanted to see my mother before anything else. There was a strange kind of fear in me that she’d suddenly morphed into this unrecognisable figure of separate sentience to me, and a hope that seeing her might make all this seem a little less like a horrible dream, and more like an absorbable – even if extremely unpleasant – part of my reality.
Mrs Bentley rested a hand lightly on the small of my back as she led me out of her office and up a staircase at the end of the corridor. She showed me to the spare room besides the teacher’s dormitories where my Mum was lying on her back on the bed with her arms over her head. The principal retreated and left me to knock on the door and watch my mother sit up and look at me tiredly.
‘Hi.’ Her voice was dull and devoid of expression.
I worked on keeping my discomposure at bay as I dawdled by the door, my hands in my pockets. ‘Did you speak with Mrs Bentley?’
‘Yes. She outlined your punishments. I think that’s very reasonable considering what you did.’ Mum sighed, lying back down on her bed. ‘They want to contact Social Services, did she tell you that?’
‘Yeah.’
‘She wants me to get checked out by a doctor.’
I found myself involuntarily glancing out the door to see whether Mrs Bentley was still there. I wasn’t sure whether I was more uncomfortable being left alone with my mother or having the principal listening in on our conversation. In any case, Mrs Bentley had disappeared. I looked back at Mum, noticing how drained she looked. ‘Do you reckon you should?’ I asked.
Mum sighed, then rolled over and propped herself up on her elbow, staring past me into the hallway. ‘I don’t know, Juli. I really don’t know. Maybe it would be best if you’re placed in a foster home for a while.’
‘I’m not going to a foster home.’
‘It’s not up to you. Social Services will figure all that out.’
I frowned and paused for a moment. ‘Are they going to see you here? At school?’
‘No, they’ll arrange for someone to visit me in Warrabeela once I get home.’
I nodded in silence, mulling everything over. There was a little voice inside of me saying I should apologise for what I’d said that morning, but another voice was rebutting it and pointing out that I’d meant every single word. Perhaps I should apologise for hurting her though, even if what I’d said was on the mark. I cleared my throat, not exactly sure how to begin. ‘So…are we good?’ I knew it was a pathetic attempt, but it was all I could manage.
Mum didn’t seem to hear me anyway; she lay back with her dark hair in thin dreadlocks framing her face around the pillow, and blinked slowly. ‘I’m going to stay here overnight, then I’ll fly back in the
morning,’ she said.
I hesitated. ‘Do you want me to come say goodbye before you go?’
She shook her head, staring at the ceiling. ‘I think I just need some time alone to sort through everything in my head. You understand.’
I nodded, and as she closed her eyes I quietly backed out of the room, a lump forming in my throat. I turned and started back down the hall in silence, my hands in my pockets and my teeth tightly biting down on my bottom lip so I didn’t cry. I’d made it to the top of the girls’ dormitory complex when Miss Wheaton suddenly appeared from her office door, wisps of her blonde hair escaping around her ears. She stopped when she saw me and her forehead crumpled in concern.
‘Are you alright, honey?’ she asked gently, holding open her arms.
My chin dropped to my chest and I allowed her to embrace me, grateful for the warmth and care emanating from her body. I rested my chin on her shoulder, hating and loving my mother and wondering why she could never hug me like this.
Probation
The next week and a half passed in a daze. I had detention every day after school at three thirty, and my sessions with Mr Samuels on Tuesday and Thursday were put to an hour later. I hadn’t spoken to Alex since Saturday night, and the few times I tried to catch her eye from across the room in detention, she ignored me. I was frustrated, not knowing exactly why she refused to talk to me, but guessing it was probably because I’d got her in trouble for drinking; in any case, I soon gave up trying to get her attention. I had enough on my plate: the impending visit from Social Services, essays due for most of my subjects, an approaching excursion in recreational studies, and exams in less than two weeks. Lori, Emma and I spent the majority of our spare time in the evenings studying in the library, and I continued to attend the night classes. I emailed my mother twice during the week but she didn’t reply. Above all, I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t dwell on things too much. I was beyond grateful when Lori and Emma said they would stay back with me on Saturday. We spent the day in the recreation room watching television and playing pool. Even Harvey was a comfort; he didn’t seek me out after the trip to the hospital, but he was his normal talkative self at meals, and kept my mind occupied.