by Ian Finn
“That’s very nice of you to say, Oliver. Thank you.”
The children begin to file back into the room. I’m not sure if Oliver came here for a specific reason, or just to say hi. So, I ask him, “Would you like to take a seat and stay for a while?”
He reacts as if something just popped into his head, and he quickly checks his coat pocket.
“Oh, silly me, I almost forgot the reason why I came here,” he says, unfolding the piece of paper he had just taken out of his pocket.
Just then Father Joseph enters the room, and I introduce him to Oliver Dubois.
“I’m truly honored that you’ve come, Mr. Dubois,” Father Joseph says, giving him a gracious welcome.
Then Oliver hands me the paper.
“Zach, I was wondering if you’d be interested in letting the boys try out one of my newest compositions. I think it would fit in perfectly with the Christmas theme of the show. I’d be honored to have the childrens’ choir perform it for its first time.”
The Father’s face immediately brightens up, and he states, “Why, we’d be honored to have your song as a part of our production, Mr. Dubois.”
“Please, call me Oliver,” Oliver tells him.
Naturally, it’s Father Joseph who’s already made the decision for me. But, there’s more to it than him just showing me that he’s the boss with the final say so.
Father Joseph knows the exposure that having Oliver’s name attached to one of the songs could get him, and naturally that will translate into donations and dollars for the Church’s various causes. He’s pretty shrewd when it comes to money matters, and I think he’s probably thinking he just hit the jackpot.
But while I’d love nothing more than to direct a new composition of Oliver’s, I know how nuanced and complex his songs can be to sing. Will I be able to teach seven-year-olds with virtually non-existent musical training to sing one of Oliver Dubois’ compositions? It’s going to be slightly more challenging than teaching them Jingle Bells.
“Umm. Thanks, Oliver. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot,” I say, trying to hide my mounting apprehension.
Oliver has already made copies of the lyrics and passes them out to the children. Then the composer and Father, who by the way is looking very self-satisfied, take a seat, while I make preparations and mental notes to myself on how to teach the song.
Now that I feel the pressure beginning to build, that confidence I was feeling earlier is rapidly diminishing with each passing second. I begin by mentally singing the song myself, and for the first run through with the kids, I go through the song in thirty second intervals.
And as I well expected, they sound dreadful. I don’t know if it’s me, the song itself, or the kids – or a combination of all three things together – that’s making this sound like amateur hour.
I turn to Oliver once we get through the song with an apologetic grimace on my face. I don’t want to say anything negative in front of the kids and discourage them. But I also want Oliver to know I’m sorry I just butchered his song.
“It’s not going to sound good in the beginning, Zach. Don’t worry, they’re just going to need practice. That’s all,” he says, reassuringly.
Father Joseph nods in agreement.
Practice, and a miracle from God, maybe. Why doesn’t he get up here and teach the song?
We tread through the song another three times, and I can see that the kids are getting restless.
Just then, I hear the door of the church open and close, and notice in the distance that a group of people are walking in my direction. I can’t make them out at first, as the church is dark, but eventually I can see that it’s Will, Brent, Wes and Flynn.
And another person… with a little boy.
“Hold on just a minute,” I say to the kids.
Will stands by the door and whispers a question about whether it’s okay if they wait around until I break. That’s when I tell the kids to sit tight.
I meet them by the door, asking, “What’s up, guys?”
“We were all at Mickey’s earlier, and thought we’d stop by,” Will says.
He then moves to the side, and the people behind them appears in my view. The little boy who looks to be about six or seven years old is holding the hand of the newcomer, and they both step forward.
“Zach, I’d like you to meet Ryan,” Will says.
At first, I can hardly believe who I’m looking at. Now dumbstruck, and nearly speechless, I manage to spit out, “Ryan…?”
Ryan extends his hand, and I shake it, but I’m still having a hard time comprehending that he’s standing in front of me. But, why is he with…? What is he doing… here, with my friends?
My mind is still unable to grasp that Ryan is back here in Madison… in this church, and standing right before me!
Will and Brent look at each other.
Will takes his turn looking at both of us before he asks, “Do you two know each other?”
Wes and Flynn look equally puzzled.
“How are you doing, Ryan?” I finally say, kindly, but with a somewhat formal tone.
Both of us nod, and an awkward silence follows. I’m completely dumbfounded to see this former boyfriend of mine. The one I thought about for years after we broke up. The one I tried to track down a few years ago, only to discover that he was already married, and had a kid.
“This is my son, Eli,” Ryan says to me.
Then Will interrupts me and says, “Ryan and Eli just moved back to Madison and we were wondering if you might have a spot for Eli in the choir? Ryan thinks it would be a good diversion, since Eli’s left all his friends behind in Chicago.”
I look down at the kid, and then turn my gaze to Father Joseph.
“Father?” I ask.
He nods his head, and without any hesitation, stands up and walks over to Eli.
“Of course we have room for him,” the Father says, with his hands on Eli’s shoulders. He then turns to face the boy, saying, “How are you doing, Eli? I’m Father Joseph.”
At that point Ryan gets on one knee, and tells his son, “Why don’t you go over there and join the other boys now? I’ll wait here until you’re finished.”
Afterward, the five new arrivals all take seats next to Oliver and Father Joseph. And if I thought I was nervous before…
Once I start up again, I can’t help but feel that Ryan’s eyes are on me. At one point, I become so flustered that my baton slips out of my hand and goes flying halfway across the room. When this happens, all the children begin to laugh out loud, causing my face to turn red with embarrassment.
Now I can feel myself beginning to sweat, as well as losing my concentration. What a mind fuck to run into Ryan. Here.
All during the song, I’m thinking thoughts like, did he know that I’d be here? If so, why did he come?
To advertise just how happy he is now that he has a husband and child? To rub it in my face?
Not that he would even know that I still had feelings for him, after our breakup. We haven’t seen each other in well over a decade, and he’s probably forgotten all about me. I’m just making this into something it isn’t.
But seeing Ryan again has triggered something inside of me, just like it used to. Maybe it’s the way he’s wearing his hair so short and close cropped now, or how he’s filling out his jeans.
He still has a flawless complexion and youthful glow to him like he’s always had, but he’s lost that boyish, baby face. It’s been replaced by more dominant, mature features.
But what does all that matter now? I wonder. He’s unavailable, and I’m not about to make a fool of myself by pursuing him. The time I tried to track him down in Chicago to see him did not end well for me.
When I was just about to knock on his door, I could see through his picture window, the three of them –– Ryan, his husband, and their child. I turned right around and went back home, and ever since then I’ve tried to put Ryan out of my mind.
I attempted to forget ab
out him completely. I’d lost my one chance to reunite with him, and it was time to move on with my life.
So why do I feel so bothered and nervous by him being here again?
Chapter Six
Ryan
“I’m going to stick around for a bit. It looks like Eli’s having fun so I’m going to let him play for a while,” I tell my friends after the rehearsal ends.
They get up from their chairs and grab their jackets, before saying their goodbyes.
“It was an honor to meet you, Mr. Dubois,” I say, shaking hands with him. “Oliver, I mean.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” he responds.
I appreciate his graceful elegance.
As I go to hug all of my friends goodbye, Wes says to me, “I don’t know if you have any plans for the holidays, but maybe you’d like to come my parents’ Christmas party.”
Flynn then gives me a peering sort of look, and says, “There might be some cute, eligible guys there.”
Then he winks at me.
Hmmm, I think. I can already see the wheels spinning in my married friends’ heads. I don’t doubt for a moment that they are already commiserating over who would be a good match for me, dating wise.
What they don’t know is that I’d be more than happy if Zach showed up to this party. Perhaps they already suspect there might be some lingering sexual tension between the two of us –– now that they know we share a past together.
“Thanks for the invite. Yeah, I’ll be around this Christmas and I’d love to meet the rest of your family,” I say.
Then I casually mention to all of them, “And don’t forget the grand opening of my store is in ten days.”
“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be there,” Brent says.
Before they walk out, Wes says to me, “You’ll be getting a formal invitation to the party soon.”
“Great,” I respond, unable to keep a smile from spreading over my face and letting him know how happy I am about that.
As I watch them leave, I think to myself how the four of them already feel like old friends to me. They make it so easy to be around them with their humor, generosity, and open arms attitude towards me. And, I’m delighted that all of this worked out with this choir, and that Eli now has both a pastime and opportunity to meet some kids his own age.
I try and do my best to approach Zach while he’s busy cleaning up cans and candy wrappers off the floor, but it’s as if he’s purposely trying to avoid me or pretend I’m not even here.
I’m a bit hurt by Zach’s behavior, but I suppose I’m not too surprised. He always did have a stubborn streak about him, and could often come across as distant, even though that wasn’t the real Zach I knew.
But he knows me, so why would he diss me like this?
Could it be that he’s in a relationship and is scared that he might be tempted around me? We did have a lot of sexual chemistry when we were together, so maybe that’s why he’s being the way he is.
But I’m not going to give up until I find out why he has a stick up his ass, so I follow him into a storage room where he’s now busy stacking chairs. I decide to grab a few of the chairs to help him out.
You’re welcome.
I try to sound as friendly and amiable as possible when I ask, “So, Zach? What’s new in your life? I saw you on a Morning Madison clip the other day. That’s a nice gig that you have.”
Zach won’t stop or even slow down to answer me, and he also appears like he’s nervous.
“Yep, I like it,” he answers, without revealing anything else.
Maybe I should try a different approach. Since we haven’t seen each other in all these years, I decide to go further back in time, and ask about what he did with his life after we lost touch.
“Did you end up staying in Madison after you graduated from college?” I ask, but now I’m beginning to feel like I’m pestering him.
Could it be that he assumes that because I have a kid, I’m married?
But even if that was the case, he could still at least be nice to me. It wasn’t like we ended our relationship on bad terms. It was always for other reasons that were beyond our control.
“No. Never left Madison, and probably never will,” he replies.
Well, at least I got him to say more than three words to me this time.
Regardless of how he’s acting, I can’t help but stare at him. Zach looks even better than he did when we were together. He’s filled out in all the right places, and those extra years have added a slightly rugged masculinity to his face. Before college, he was still a boy, but now he’s at that prime age when most men come into their own.
Some may disagree with me and think that the twenties are the time when men are the best looking. But I have a different opinion. I think men in their thirties and forties are the hottest and most desirable. And to me, Zach is at the perfect age right now.
Now that we’re alone in this room together, I’d like nothing more than to kiss him, and remember way back to the time when we were together. Ever since his name came up when I first went to Mickey’s, I can’t stop thinking about him, and what it would be like to be with him again.
But fantasy and reality don’t necessarily line up the way you want it to. I was hoping that things would go different than they are, and he’d be happy to see me. But I guess that would have been too easy and too fairy tale romance for us to immediately pick up where we left off.
Suddenly, though, Zack stumbles over one of the chairs and hits his head against a steel beam.
“Zach, watch out!” I shout, after I quickly run over to where he’s fallen to the ground.
“Are you alright? Let me see your head!” I say.
This isn’t the first time he’s seemed really out of it tonight, and I begin to think that something must really be up with him. Something he’s refusing to talk about or tell me.
He’s leaning against the wall now and he puts his hand to his head. As I move closer in to see if there’s a bruise forming, he stares at me with a somewhat glazed look on his face.
When I touch Zach’s arm, I can’t help but get a yearning feeling, even though I am checking for a bruise.
“Is it painful?” I ask.
He sits up straighter against the wall and shakes his head.
“No, I think I’ll be okay. I’m just a little shook, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting for that to happen,” he says, with a slightly embarrassed, half smile on his face. “To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight either. Or ever again, I suppose.”
That smile! I can’t help but think how cute he looks now. It’s the first time tonight I’ve seen him attempt a smile, and he’s looking at me in a way that lets me know he is not at all unhappy about the surprise of seeing me again. So, with great impulsively, I move in closer to place my lips on his.
He doesn’t resist, but on the contrary, things begin to heat up quickly. Feeling our tongues collide and the feel of his lips sends me into a state of euphoria, and I instantly become aroused.
But all at once, he abruptly pulls away and looks at me warily. That carefree, lighthearted smile he had only moments ago now turns into a glare.
“What are you doing?” he asks, as he begins to lift himself up from the floor.
Puzzled, and now somewhat peeved, I ask him, “What do you mean what am I doing? What are you doing?”
He gives me a contemptuous look, before turning away.
As he begins to exit the room, he says to me, “I don’t think your husband would exactly appreciate you kissing other men!”
For a moment, I’m stunned. Husband?
I guess I was right when I thought that perhaps he assumed I’m married.
I get up from the floor and begin to follow him, yelling, “Zach, I’ve been divorced for the past year. I haven’t seen Lewis in over a year!”
I see him halt upon hearing this, but we’re back in the band area now, and the boys overhear me. That’s when I notice Eli, and he begins to look despon
dent. Hearing me bring up Lewis must have set him off, because now he begins to cry.
I’m left standing in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do. When I turn to the doorway, I see that Zach is already walking off. I’m not going to go and chase after him like some desperate character in a B-movie. I have no choice but to let him leave.
Plus, I have bigger priorities to attend to. I pick up my son and comfort him.
“Let’s go, baby boy,” I say, as I make my way to my car.
Okay, well, that didn’t go quite like I’d hoped it would.
It all seemed so strange. I just knew that Zach had enjoyed the kiss, so why did he push me away? I start to think that maybe I can think of a plan B to reconnect with Zach. Or perhaps I shouldn’t think of any plan at all, and just sit back and see what happens from here.
Tomorrow is another day of choir practice for Eli, and the last thing I want is another replay of tonight’s fiasco. I don’t want to upset Eli again, as it’s obvious that he’s still deeply troubled by his father leaving him.
Now I suspect that he may even be threatened by the prospect of me getting close to another man. That he’s hoping deep down that Lewis and I are going to get back together.
Whatever I decide to do from here, I now realize that I have to be more discreet about it. My first priority is my son and his well-being.
Yet how am I ever going to get over this burning desire inside me to have Zach back in my life?
Chapter Seven
Ryan
Despite the misfortunate interaction I had with Zach yesterday evening, I do my best to try and remain positive throughout tonight’s choir practice. Eli seems to be enjoying his time with the other boys, and once the practice has ended, I realize that I barely said a word to Zach the entire time.
Since he is busy talking to Father Joseph after the practice ends, I decide not to stick around just so that he could turn me down again – not to mention the fact that I don’t want to risk upsetting Eli once again.
The other reason I left early is because tonight I plan on meeting up with my friends again at Mickey’s. Flynn called me today and invited me to the bar, saying Duncan and Tyler plan on being there, too.