by Laura Riley
Once on the beach, Freja runs off in front. “I’m going to make a magic castle,” she sings, carrying on to the water’s edge.
I gaze along the beach. It’s lovely being here on such a beautiful afternoon with my best friend and her daughter, but I can’t help feeling detached somehow. I had my own little family in the making, two people who I love with all my heart, and I let them go.
Amber and I sit on the warm sand and watch Freja jumping between the shallow waves.
“I’m going to get you,” Freja chants, kicking water up at me. Though for a second it’s Ellie’s little face I see and her high-pitched squeals I hear.
“Not if I get you first,” I chant back. I make my way over to Freja. Amber reclines back on the sand, closing her eyes. Being a single parent is hard work, I imagine it’s nice for her to have a break, if only for a few minutes.
I charge after Freja, joining her in the shallow water. I pick her up by her waist and spin her around. Laughing, she begs me to put her down, which I do. Holding hands, we jump over the waves together. I even show her how to be a horse.
Freja doesn’t have the same concentration level as Ellie, I guess being slightly younger. It doesn’t take her long to get bored and want to do something else.
With our hands filled with small shells, we walk back up the beach. Amber’s standing up, dusting sand off her dress. “Sorry, Lizzie, we’ve got to go. I said I’d pick Rick up from work.”
My heart starts beating quicker. I can’t go home, not yet. “I’m going to stay a little while longer.”
Amber gives me the once-over. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’ll get a taxi home.”
Freja holds her arms up. Amber smiles, sweeping her hair to the side, and picks her up. Freja’s chin rests on Amber’s shoulder and I wave at her as they disappear further up the beach.
I sit back down, burying my feet in the sand. It’s nice to feel warmth, if only for a few minutes before the cold beneath penetrates my skin.
I sit in silence, listening to the cry of gulls, the splash of the waves. As I look towards the horizon Seth’s face seems to come to life in the clouds below. Like the clouds, he’s too far away for me to reach. Dusk comes and goes; people start leaving and the surrounding town begins to light up.
I could sit here forever and while away the hours. The truth is I’m dreading going home, pushing my key in the front door and walking back between those four empty walls. I made a huge mistake splitting up with Seth, but I did it for him, for Ellie. Whatever the reason, I can’t go on like this—it’s not living, it’s existing. I’ll wait till they’re back from America and I’ll get him back.
Seth
The door to the dance studio swings open. Boys in leotards and girls in fluffy tutus run in. Gathering inside, they begin stretching.
When the door closes, I lean forward and peer in through a small viewing window. I make eye contact with one of the dance teachers and she waves. After weaving between children in the class, she opens the door and joins us in the narrow corridor. She holds out her hand, which I take.
“You must be Seth. I’m Miss Kavanagh.” Her handshake is soft, yet confident, and she smiles up into my eyes. Miss Kavanagh is a petite middle-aged woman; her dreadlocked hair has been scraped back into a bun. She’s wearing skin-tight grey leggings and a baggy t-shirt that has the dance school’s logo, a pink flamingo, embroidered on the left breast.
She places her hands on her knees and bends down. “And you must be Ellie.”
Ellie squeezes my hand a little tighter and hides behind my back.
“Sweetheart,” I say, her ballet shoes dragging on the floor as I give her a little tug forward.
Miss Kavanagh smiles sweetly. She doesn’t attempt to reach for Ellie, she just stands and waits patiently. I filled her in over the phone about Ellie’s separation anxiety and she was very understanding. She winks at me and peers around my back. “Would you like Daddy to come watch you for the first ten minutes?”
I squint over at the reception desk to the wall-mounted clock directly above. Amber and Freja will be here any minute. I know the second Freja turns up Ellie will be okay.
There’s a small crowd around the desk as parents sign their children in. My eyes bounce from head to head. No sign of Amber and no sign of Freja.
Fantastic. I was hoping to go sit in the parents’ room.
Ellie tugs my hand. “Please, Daddy.”
She sticks her bottom lip out and attempts puppy-dog eyes. My heart melts seeing her look so cute.
You big softie, Seth.
I suppress a smile and give my best serious expression. “Ten minutes, not a second more.”
I follow Miss Kavanagh into the studio. Ellie follows closely behind. Occasionally her ballet shoes crash into my heels. This is what I didn’t want because she’ll expect it every week. She starts school in a few weeks. I need to build her confidence as much as I can between now and then.
“Ellie, would you like to stand by Esme?” Miss Kavanagh asks, pointing to a girl near the front. Ellie doesn’t move from my side.
I crouch down in the corner of the room, hoping Ellie will join in with the other children. She doesn’t. Her tutu looks like a damn marshmallow stuck to her butt as she sits on my knee.
“Positions, please,” Miss Kavanagh singsongs, clapping her hands.
The music starts, and the children stand in lines. Three dance teachers are standing at the head of the studio facing us. The children copy as the women run through the moves. I give Ellie’s butt a little nudge, which only makes her fall back into me.
Well, as the saying goes, you can only lead a horse to water. Feeling like I have nothing to lose, I stand. With Ellie by my side, I copy the dance teachers’ leg work and Ellie slowly starts to copy me. As the song progresses, the space between me and Ellie increases. I watch as she slowly moves toward the other children whilst I move closer to the door. My hand makes contact with the metal handle when it moves down of its own accord. It swings open and as Freja runs in, I slip out. On the other side I peer through the glass viewing window and see that Freja and Ellie are holding hands and Ellie is joining in.
When I turn, I spot Amber standing at reception. Her back is toward me and I can see her pointing at the clock, shaking her head at the lady standing behind the desk. I don’t wait, I figure she doesn’t need an audience. I walk along the corridor a little until I reach the parents’ room. It’s as I’d expected, a small rectangular room crammed with mums sitting on high-backed chairs. Small children squeal, weaving between legs, and older children sit quietly on iPads. Spotting a few empty chairs at the back, I make my way past the small huddles and sit down.
I can’t miss the glances my way. To say I feel like the elephant in the room is an understatement. Within a second of sitting down I have three mums pulling their chairs up to my side. Fluttering their lashes, they introduce themselves. Introductions over, Nadine, Emma, and Julia start firing questions at me. I sneak a glance at their ring fingers, and they’re bare—of course they are. I’m not here to pick a woman up after Lizzie broke my heart, but as hurt as she’s left me, she’s shown me that I can love again.
“So, is Mum around?” Julia asks, leaning forward, her knees touching mine.
No, Mum is fucking someone else, next question.
I look up into the vivid green of Julia’s eyes. “No.” I hope she gets the hint and stops interrogating me.
Curiosity skates over her round face, and she offers me a wide-mouthed smile. Christ, she looks like a Cheshire cat. Sure, she’s attractive, but there’s nothing more unattractive than someone who’s desperate.
“A lady friend?” she continues, her finger slowly tracing the neckline of her top. I guess her hope is that my interest follows her finger and I look straight at her breasts, which I do, but quickly look away. My gaze meets hers. Smooth, real smooth.
She leans closer still. Her knee sandwiches itself between my thighs. “A lady friend?” she repeats.
&
nbsp; Lizzie pops into my mind. There’s not a moment I haven’t thought about her, haven’t wondered what she’s doing, haven’t wanted to go around there and demand answers. Problem is I’m too chicken to look in her eyes and make her tell me it’s over. Hearing it over the phone is one thing, seeing it will destroy me.
The chair legs squeak underneath me as I push the chair back, releasing Julia’s knee. I don’t answer her question. Why? Because it’s none of her goddamn business.
I try not to be rude, so casually slide my phone out of my trouser pocket and tell the ladies I have business to take care of. I thought they’d take the hint and fuck off. I thought wrong. It’s as though they’re waiting for me to finish what I’m doing so they can grill me some more, like I’m their shiny new toy or something. I don’t do small talk. Crossing one leg over the other, I angle my phone in my lap so the women can’t see the screen. I have nothing better to do other than sign onto social media. My profile is blank. I don’t share my life with the world. I only keep my account open so that I can post on our business page and occasionally look at what Lizzie’s been up to.
Her last post was made five nights ago. She posted a picture of the sea with the caption, ‘In the sea I see everything, in the land I see nothing.’ I get the feeling the breakup is eating her up, and it confuses the fuck out of me why she ended things. I suspect Cole played a part and wonder if he offered her money. It makes sense, I guess, for her to take it. She’s young and money would make her life so much simpler.
I jump when my arm is pushed aside and my phone almost falls out of my hand. I look up to see a shapely ass bending down in front of me, sitting down on my lap. With fire racing in my gut, I’m about to tell whoever it is to kindly remove themselves. That is until I see the Barbie-blonde hair, the bright red nails. “Amber, what the—”
She leans her chin on her shoulder, blowing a bubble of gum inches from my face. “I’m sorry, baby, there were no other seats.”
Frowning, I glance up into her blue eyes and that’s when I notice my three admirers have left.
Amber winks and leans into me. “It’s like feeding time at the zoo here and you’re fresh meat. If they think you’re taken they’ll leave you alone.”
I nod, kind of grateful. “Thanks, but did you have to sit on me?”
She shrugs nonchalantly. “There were no more chairs.”
I nod my head in the direction of Julia’s chair. She picks up on my cue and moves to an empty seat.
She begins finger-combing her hair. Damn, she’s beautiful, and I know I’m not wrong when I say that she knows it. She looks almost pixie-like with her long blonde hair, tiny features and small upturned nose.
Her nose twitches before she turns and looks down at me. “So, how’s tricks?”
I shrug. “Same old.”
I’m lying. Things haven’t been the same since Lizzie and I split. Darcy finished working her notice at the hospital and has committed her time to watching Ellie whilst I’ve been at work. Good job, really, as Cole made sure my next job was a five-hour round trip away. I leave the house at five am and get home after eight pm. The only good thing that came out of my long hours is that Ellie is falling asleep in her own bed. I feel as though very slowly she’s making progress.
Amber nudges me with her foot. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m great. Did I tell you my ex-wife is moving to Australia?”
She raises a brow. I know what she’s asking—how I am after Lizzie—but I can’t do this feelings shit. I’d rather get my balls waxed than open up to someone.
She scrapes her shoe along the floor. “Okay, if you’re not going to tell me how you are, will you tell me how Ellie’s doing?”
“Dig, dig, dig, is that all you can do?”
Her eyes go wide and the bubble she blows pops and sticks to her chin and nose, which she begins picking off.
“Sorry, Amber, I didn’t mean that.” I sigh. “Ellie misses Lizzie a lot. She thinks it’s somehow her fault that Lizzie is no longer around, which of course I said it isn’t, but what the hell do I say?”
Amber shakes her head. “I have no idea. Something’s seriously up with Lizzie though, I know she isn’t happy.”
That makes two of us.
“Sucks to be her. Me, on the other hand, me and my baby are going to Disney World in two days.”
“Two days doesn’t give me much time.”
“Much time?” I quiz.
“To giftwrap your canvas, silly.”
I rub my hands over the back of my neck. “Shit, I’d completely forgot about the photoshoot and the photo. When can I pick it up?”
She sucks in her lips. “If you’re not fussed about the giftwrapping, how about after the girls finish ballet?”
“Sounds good.” The moment the words leave my lips, it occurs to me that I didn’t see the photo Ellie selected. “Is Lizzie in the picture?” I ask, my tone sharper than I intended it to be.
Amber’s gaze shifts into her lap. “Yes.”
“Then I can’t take it. I’ll pay you to have another made up without Lizzie in the picture and I’ll pick it up after we get back from Disney World.”
She pauses for a beat. “What do you want me to do with the original canvas?”
I shrug. “The hell should I know? Burn it for all I care.”
Amber smiles. “No, I have a better idea.”
With Darcy helping Ellie pack her suitcase, I make myself scarce. I pop to the shop to pick up some cigarettes. I’ve smoked half a dozen whilst parked outside Cole’s house. Cole lives in an affluent area, large red-brick houses with beautiful, landscaped gardens. The estate is old money—the houses have been passed down in families for years and most of the residents are over sixty. Cole is new money and is a hit with the blue-rinsers.
I need to stop filling my lungs with this shit and knock on the door already. I’ve been sat here for over an hour. I’m surprised the neighbourhood watch hasn’t called the police on my ass. Several curtains already twitch from nosey neighbours. I take a deep breath and head towards the front door. I’m not nervous about seeing Cole, I’m nervous of what tomorrow will bring. I made some life-changing decisions, and now it’s time to face the music.
My shoes crunch against the coarse shingle as I walk to the front door. Curling my hand into a fist, I tap on the wood.
The door opens within seconds. Cole’s blue eyes narrow. “What took you so long?”
I force a smile. “You saw me in the van, eh?”
“The whole street did. I had Brenda, Florence and Bertha, God love them, all call to tell me about a strange van parked outside my house. I assume you’re wanting your money and have come to sign the contract agreeing to leave my sister be?” Cole steps aside to let me enter.
I fish out my wallet from my trouser pocket and pull out the cheque he gave me. “Not quite.” I place the folded paper in the breast pocket of his shirt, which I tap for good measure.
I’m not rich like Cole. I don’t have a flash car, or a big house, but I feel one hundred times the man he is. I feel it’s fitting that I return his gesture, so bowing my head, I don my imaginary cap. “Give my regards to…” I pause. Cole has no one. “Give my regards to your bank balance. May the many zeros bring you a lifetime of happiness.” I turn my back on him and head to my van.
“I don’t understand,” he calls after me.
“It’s simple, really.” I pull my house keys from my trouser pocket and toss them in his direction. “I don’t want your money, and I don’t need your house. I want nothing from you.”
“Only my sister?”
His words slice into me like a knife. I mustn’t let them. I’ve got to look forward, not back.
Shingle crunches underfoot, and Cole’s breaths draw nearer. “Mate, I’m not going to kick you and Ellie out of the house. I was angry, I didn’t mean—”
With narrowed eyes, I turn and meet his stare. “I’m not your mate, not anymore. A true friend wouldn’t have acted how yo
u did.”
“Seth.” Cole attempts to place the house keys back into my hand, I let them fall to the ground.
“I tried to call you several times when you decided to go MIA. Which reminds me, how did you find out about us?”
Cole looks skyward. “I bumped into your sister at the petrol station.”
Darcy, of course.
“I should have heard it from you.” His tone is harsh.
“Oh, yeah? And how was I supposed to do that? Every time I called your phone went to voicemail. I tried to tell you about Lizzie. I’m sorry, I truly am. I didn’t count on liking the girl, I didn’t count on falling in love with her.”
“We all know you’re not over Anna. I know it, Darcy knows it, and deep down you know it, too. My sister will not be your revenge fuck or your rebound.”
“I never slept with Lizzie out of revenge. She was never a rebound.”
Cole’s jaw clenches. “Please come inside so we can talk—”
I laugh. “There’s nothing left to say.” I feel as though we’ve taken a jackhammer to all our years of friendship and smashed them to nothing but rubble. It’s kind of sad, it’s very final, but at least we both know where we stand.
He takes my forearm. “Seth—”
I look down with disgust and remove his hand. “Some other time maybe, or maybe not. I’ve got a suitcase to pack, and a little girl to read a bedtime story to.” I take a long, satisfying breath in. “Goodbye, Cole.”
Lizzie
The sound of the doorbell wakes me. Hugging the quilt into my chest, I roll over and squint at the digital clock on my bedside table.
Seth and Ellie flash in my mind. My pulse quickens; they’ll be on their way to the airport now. I wonder if Ellie will have one of those little suitcases on wheels she can ride on. I wonder if she’s wearing one of her cute summer dresses, or her smiley face t-shirt. I close my eyes on the tears that are threatening to fall. My heart aches and yearns for what’s missing. God, I miss them so much it hurts.
The doorbell rings again.