Life-Enriching Education
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Such learning is critical to maintaining Domination systems in which work is done to gain rewards and avoid punishment. Rewards and punishment are not necessary when people see how their efforts are contributing to their own well-being and the well-being of others.
I recall an elementary school teacher in Texas getting annoyed when I was explaining the benefits of evaluating by using value judgments. She said: “You’re making something complicated that doesn’t have to be complicated. Facts are facts and I see nothing wrong with a teacher saying a student is right when the student is right and wrong when the student is wrong.” I asked the teacher for an example of something that was so factual. She answered, “For example, it is a fact that Christopher Columbus discovered America.” That day a Native American friend of mine accompanied me. He calmly said to the teacher, “That isn’t what my grandfather told me.”
Performance Evaluation Using Value Judgments
Evaluation using value judgments lets the learner know whether or not her performance is or is not in harmony with the needs or values of the instructor. In such evaluation there would be no static, moralistic evaluations usually referred to as “criticism,” nor would there be positive evaluations such as “compliments” or “praise.” Thus, teachers might evaluate a student’s performance by saying, “I agree” or “I disagree,” not “That’s right” or “That’s wrong.” Teachers would express what they would like students to do but not use language implying that students had no choice such as, “You have to,” or “You can’t do that,” or “You should,” or “You must.”
To really get teachers committed to this idea, as difficult as it is, we have a special kind of detector in Life-Enriching Schools. No teacher is allowed through the door who has any of these words in his consciousness: right, wrong, correct, incorrect, good, bad, normal, abnormal, respectful, disrespectful, gifted, not gifted, have to, must, ought, and especially, should.
Students educated in such a judgment-free environment learn because they choose to, not to earn rewards or avoid moralistic judgments or punishment. Every teacher knows, or at least can imagine, the joy of teaching a student who truly wants to learn, an experience that is all too rare.
I hope that by now you are beginning to see that just using a different language to evaluate student performance could radically change our educational systems. And I can also hear you asking: “But what about report cards? What about proficiency and achievement tests?”
I will try to answer those questions. But first I want to describe for you the basics of Nonviolent Communication.
Components of Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication helps us to be aware of and to clearly express:
what we are observing that is fulfilling our needs;
what we are observing that is not fulfilling our needs;
what we are presently feeling and needing;
the actions we are requesting to fulfill our needs.
opinions and beliefs as opinions and beliefs and not as facts.
Nonviolent Communication also helps us empathically hear:
what others are observing that is fulfilling their needs;
what others are observing that is not fulfilling their needs;
what others are feeling and needing;
what actions others are wanting to fulfill their needs.
Remember that our goal and the goal of Nonviolent Communication is not to get what we want, but to make a human connection that will result in everyone getting their needs met. It’s as simple, and as complex, as that.
Making Clear Observations Without Mixing in Evaluations
An important part of Nonviolent Communication is the ability to observe what people are doing without mixing in any evaluation that might sound like a criticism. It has been my experience that when people hear criticism, it is unlikely that anyone will get their needs met (for example, the student’s need to learn or the teacher’s need to teach). Criticism is more likely to provoke defensive arguments or counter-criticism than cooperation.
Even if the person does what we want, he is more likely to be responding out of shame, guilt, or fear of punishment, than out of a desire to fulfill anyone’s needs. When people respond for such reasons, it is very costly to all concerned. It is costly to the other person because it is dehumanizing to act out of such intentionality. And it will be costly to us because when we are associated with such dehumanization, it diminishes the other person’s enjoyment of contributing to our well-being and even reduce the likelihood that they will want to do so.
Ruth Bebermeyer, composer and poet, wrote the following song to help children learn to observe without evaluating:
I’ve never seen a lazy man;
I’ve seen a man who never ran
while I watched him, and I’ve seen
a man who sometimes slept between
lunch and dinner, and who’d stay
at home upon a rainy day,
but he was not a lazy man.
Before you call me crazy,
think, was he a lazy man or
did he just do things we label “lazy”?
I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
or things in ways I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
but he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he
just know different things than you did?
I’ve looked as hard as I can look
but never ever seen a cook;
I saw a person who combined
ingredients on which we dined,
A person who turned on the heat
and watched the stove that cooked the meat—
I saw those things but not a cook.
Tell me, when you’re looking,
Is it a cook you see or is it someone
doing things that we call cooking?
What some of us call lazy
some call tired or easygoing,
what some of us call stupid
some just call a different knowing,
so I’ve come to the conclusion,
it will save us all confusion
if we don’t mix up what we can see
with what is our opinion.
Because you may, I want to say also;
I know that’s only my opinion.
What I mean by an observation is something that we can see, hear, or touch, something that could be recorded by a video camera. It is descriptive. An evaluation involves making inferences about the things that we observe. Nonviolent Communication does not suggest that we remain totally objective and refrain from any evaluations. We can tell people how we feel about what we have observed, and what we value. But to shout at a child: “Sharon! That was a mean thing to do, to hit Lionel in the head with a block!” is very different from saying, “I get scared when I see you hitting Lionel with a block, Sharon, because I want everyone to be safe in this classroom!”
The best way I know to demonstrate the difference between observations that are pure observations and those that contain evaluations is a chart such as the following:
Examples of Mixing Observation With Evaluation Examples of Separating Observation from Evaluation
You are too generous. When you give all your lunch money to others, I get concerned that you are giving away money that you might need.
Doug procrastinates. Doug only studies for exams the night before.
He won’t get his work in. He doesn’t get his work in.
Minorities don’t take care of their property. I have not seen the minority family living at the house on the corner shovel the snow on their front sidewalk.
Hank Smith is a poor soccer player. Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games.
Jim is ugly. I don’t find Jim’s
looks appealing.
Some of the examples in the right hand column contain opinions expressed as opinions, not as facts; others contain no opinions at all, just pure observations.
Exercise 1
Observation or Evaluation?
To determine your proficiency at discerning between observations and evaluations, complete the following exercise. Circle the number in front of any statement that is an observation only, with no evaluation mixed in.
“When I asked Maria to please listen to me, she answered back rudely.”
“Toby told me that the dog ate his homework.”
“I heard the sixth grader say to the third grader, ‘You’re stupid.’”
“She’s very smart.”
“You’re a wonderful writer.”
“I can’t recall a time this week when she arrived at school by the time the bell rang.”
“He’s a bully.”
“She told me that she has a learning disorder.”
“I saw her talking and laughing with three other girls, while pointing to the new student.”
“They were being very disruptive.”
Here are my responses for Exercise 1:
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “rudely” to be an evaluation. An example of an observation without evaluation might be: When I asked Maria to please listen to me, she answered, “I don’t have to listen to anybody.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation.
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “very smart” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “She answered every question to my satisfaction on every one of her final exams.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “wonderful” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be, “In your story you used at least three paragraphs to describe the lives of each character.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “bully” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation would be, “Six students told me that he threatens them if they don’t do what he says,” or “I have seen him at recess, on several occasions, take the ball out of other students’ hands.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation. While I consider “learning disorder” an evaluation, the statement that “She told me that she has a learning disorder” is an observation of what she did.
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “disruptive” an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be, “They were laughing louder than I would have liked while I was trying to give directions.”
Identifying and Expressing Feelings
A basic function of Nonviolent Communication is to focus attention on what we are feeling at any given moment. To do this requires a literacy in the expression of feelings. Unfortunately, having been taught the language of Domination, most of us could come up with ten synonyms for a label such as “stupid,” but don’t have much in our feelings vocabulary beyond “good” and “bad.”
In expressing our feelings, it helps to use words referring to specific emotions in contrast to words that make vague, general statements. If I say, “I feel good about that,” or “I feel bad about that,” I’m not being very clear about what I am feeling. “Good” could mean elated, encouraged, contentedly at ease, or something in between. “Bad” could be expressing despondency, discouragement, or just mild disappointment.
Our language does not make it easy to convey how we feel. We can actually use the verb “feel” and not be expressing how we feel at all. Note that in the following sentences when the verb feel is followed by the words that, like, as if, I, you, he, she, or they, the speaker is not clearly describing a feeling:
“I feel that you should know better.”
“I feel as if I have better things to do.”
“I feel like I didn’t get a fair deal.”
“I feel I am being railroaded.”
“I feel they want me to leave.”
We have no idea what the people making the above statements are feeling. We could guess, but we might easily guess wrong. The person making the last statement could be either totally undone or absolutely delighted at the prospect of leaving.
Following is a list of words to help you increase literacy in expressing your feelings. It is by no means exhaustive. Add your own.
Feelings Experienced When Our Needs Are Being Fulfilled
absorbed electrified inspired tender
adventurous encouraged intense thankful
affectionate energetic interested thrilled
alert engrossed intrigued touched
alive enjoyment invigorated tranquil
amazed enlivened involved trust
amused enthusiastic joyful warm
animated exalted jubilant wide-awake
appreciative excited loving wonderful
aroused exhilarated mellow
astonished expansive merry
blissful expectant mirthful
breathless exuberant moved
buoyant fascinated optimistic
calm free overjoyed
carefree friendly peaceful
cheerful fulfilled pleasure
comfortable gay proud
complacent glad quiet
composed gleeful radiant
confidant glorious rapturous
contented glowing refreshed
cool good-humored relieved
curious grateful satisfied
dazzled gratified secure
delighted groovy sensitive
eager happy spellbound
ecstatic helpful splendid
effusive hopeful stimulated
elated inquisitive surprised
Feelings Experienced When Our Needs Aren’t Being Fulfilled
afraid disinterested impatient restless
aggravated dislike indifferent sad
agitated dismayed inert scared
alarm displeased infuriated sensitive
aloof disquieted insecure shaky
angry distressed insensitive shocked
anguish disturbed intense skeptical
animosity downcast irate sleepy
annoyance downhearted irked sorrowful
anxious dread irritated sorry
apathetic dull jealous sour
apprehensive edgy jittery spiritless
aversion embarrassed keyed-up startled
bad embittered lassitude surprised
beat exasperated lazy suspicious
bitter exhausted let-down tepid
blah fatigued lethargic terrified
blue fearful listless thwarted
bored fidgety lonely tired
brokenhearted forlorn mad troubled
chagrined frightened mean uncomfortable
cold frustrated melancholy unconcerned
concerned furious miserable uneasy
confused gloomy mopey unglued
credulous grief nervous unhappy
cross guilty nettled unnerved
dejected hate overwhelmed unsteady
depressed heavy passive upset
despair helpless perplexed uptight
despondent hesitant pessimistic vexed
detached horrible provoked weary
disappointed horrified puzzled withdrawn
discouraged hostile rancorous woeful
disgrunt
led hot reluctant worried
disgusted humdrum repelled wretched
disheartened hurt resentful
Exercise 2
Expressing Feelings
If you would like to see whether we’re in agreement about the verbal expression of feelings, circle the number in front of any of the following statements in which feelings are verbally expressed.
“I feel you are angry.”
“I’m pleased to see you complete the report.”
“I feel sad because I’d like everyone to have a sense of belonging at school, and I see that you don’t.”
“You’re delightful.”
“When you showed the new student around, I felt so happy.”
“I’m grateful that you told me what’s troubling you.”
“I feel like you students aren’t trying as hard as you could.”
“I’m worried that you won’t have time to finish that.”
“When you don’t do what I say, I feel disrespected.”
“I feel happy to see how much you are learning.”
Here are my responses for Exercise 2:
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “you are angry” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses what the speaker thinks the other person is feeling, rather than how the speaker is feeling. Whenever the words I feel are followed by the words I, you, he, she, they, it, that, like, or as if, what follows is generally not what I would consider to be a feeling. Examples of an expression of feeling might be: “I feel concerned … ” or “I’m curious … ”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed.
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “delightful” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses how the speaker evaluates the other person, as delightful, rather than how the speaker is feeling. An expression of feeling might be: “I feel delighted … ” or “I feel happy when I see you … ”