Life-Enriching Education
Page 6
So we try again. I repeat (in the student’s role), “I hate doing this work; it’s boring and I want to do something else.”
The teacher then might state, “Oh, so you’re saying you want me to let you do whatever you want today.” I point out that the teacher is mixing up what might be the student’s request with the student’s needs. I remind the teacher that needs contain no reference to specific people taking specific actions.
It is not rare to find that it takes four or five attempts on the part of a teacher to accurately reflect what might be the student’s feelings and needs.
Following are some common reactions on the part of teachers in response to the message: “I hate doing this work. It’s boring. I want to do something else.”
Justifying or explaining: “This work is very important if you want to go to college.”
Probing (questions that try to get at information other than the person’s feelings and needs): “What’s boring about it?”
Claiming understanding but not checking out understanding: “I understand.” Or, “I used to feel that way too.”
Apologizing or sympathizing: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or, “I’m sad that you feel that way.”
Judging: “That’s foolish. Huckleberry Finn is a classic.”
Agreeing: “I agree with you. I never liked that book either.”
Disagreeing: “I disagree with you; Huckleberry Finn is my favorite book.”
Interpreting: “You are just trying to get out of work.”
Advising: “Why don’t you wait a few minutes and see if you feel differently.”
Personalizing: “I must be a terrible teacher if I can’t make Huckleberry Finn interesting.”
Going directly to problem solving: “What could we do to make it more interesting?”
Finally, the teacher will say, “So you get bored when you read Huckleberry Finn, and get tired trying to plow through it?”
“Yeah, it’s not even in good English.”
“You really get bored and tired when you get to the parts in dialect?”
“Yeah, I can’t even understand it.”
“So are you feeling frustrated and needing some help?”
A frequently raised concern about empathy is “Wouldn’t the student think that you are condoning his thoughts and feelings if you reflect them back that way?” In response I try to make it clear that there is a difference between empathic understanding and agreement. I can show understanding of a student’s feelings and needs without implying that I agree, condone, or even like his feelings and needs.
Another concern that I have heard teachers raise is that offering empathy means a commitment to long, drawn-out discussions that are not practical, given the time pressures that often exist in the classroom. Teachers often ask me, “What are all the other students in the classroom doing while I take all this time giving empathy to one student?” I believe empathy can often be a timesaving process rather than a time-consuming one.
I am aware of studies that have been done in labor management negotiations indicating that the time needed to settle disputes can be considerably shortened if one simple rule is followed: each participant must paraphrase what the previous speaker has said before saying anything in rebuttal.
I find the same process happening in a classroom. Once the student sees that the teacher wants to understand rather than coerce, a cooperative attitude is more likely to develop that hastens rather than impedes problem solving. So when teachers say to me, “But in the classroom you have to tell children what to do; you can’t be spending all of your time showing them that you understand,” I remind them that they spend a considerable portion of their day telling students what to do over and over again. By the time a teacher has told a student several times to do something and the student continues not to do it, the time spent is often more than if the teacher had taken time to fully understand the student’s feelings and needs at the outset.
I have often found teachers confusing empathizing with parroting or simply mirroring back the exact words of the speaker. I define the process of empathy as similar to the process of translating a foreign language into one’s own language. In translating, the goal is to get at the exact meaning of the original message and then translate it into more familiar terms. Likewise, in offering empathy the goal is to translate the message being expressed into feelings and needs.
Some or many of the words reflected back might be the exact ones the speaker is using if she is expressing feelings and needs. Of course, our intent is even more important than what words we use. Our intent is to empathically connect with the other person. Sometimes our look, or a touch, communicates the empathic connection without our having to say anything at all.
A friend of mine, the principal of a school we were transforming into a school based on the principles of Nonviolent Communication, shared the following story with me.
“I came back from lunch one day and found Mildred (an elementary school student) sitting dejectedly on a chair waiting for me. I sat down on a chair next to her and she began, ‘Mrs. Anderson, have you ever had a week when everything you did hurt somebody else, and you never intended to hurt anyone at all?’
‘Yes,’ I answered, ‘I think I understand.’
Mildred then went on to tell me a little about what had happened that week with her sister and in her class with the kids and teacher. Now, I was late for a very important meeting, still had my coat on, and was anxious not to keep a room full of people in the meeting waiting, and so I asked, ‘Mildred, what can I do for you?’
Mildred moved in her chair so that she took both of my shoulders in her hands, looked me straight in the eyes and said very firmly, ‘Mrs. Anderson, I don’t want you to do anything; I just want you to listen.’
This was one of the most significant learning experiences in my life—taught to me by a child. I decided, ‘The hell with the room of adults.’ Mildred and I moved over to a bench which gave us privacy and we sat with my arm around her shoulders and her head on my chest, with her arm around my waist while she talked until she was through.”
Empathically Connecting With Others When They Don’t Know How to Express Themselves or Choose Not To
Unfortunately I do not find many students who are willing to share their feelings and needs the way Mildred did. They have also been taught the language of Domination systems so they have learned to disguise their messages in various ways. Therefore I like teachers to get in touch with the student’s feelings and needs even when the student does not know how to openly express them.
To learn to empathize when others are not directly expressing feelings and needs, I remind myself that what I might be interpreting as attack, criticism, or insult, could be better understood as the speaker having needs that are not being met and his being in pain about this. Or as Hugh Prather expressed this idea: “If someone criticizes me, I am not any less because of that. It is not criticism of me, but critical thinking from him. He is expressing his thoughts and feelings, not my being.” (Notes to Myself, Hugh Prather 1970)
In order to empathize when the student isn’t openly sharing himself, the teacher needs to learn to find the feelings and reasons for the feelings in the following types of messages: demands, judgments, questions, nonverbal messages, and requests.
The following are some examples of a teacher offering empathy for an unexpressed feeling or need:
Situation #1: Teacher expresses frustration in relation to a student behaving in a certain way.
Student message: “You’re mean!”
Teacher’s empathy: “Are you feeling hurt and needing more respect than you heard in the way I just spoke to you?”
Situation #2: Student comes into class in the morning, doesn’t speak with anyone, and sit by herself.
Student message: Student is silent and has a look on her face that teacher interprets as expressing pain.
Teacher’s empathy: “Are you feeling upset and needing some understanding?
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br /> Situation #3: Other students have told a student to leave them alone.
Student’s message: “No one likes me.”
Teacher’s empathy: “Are you feeling sad and needing acceptance from the others?”
Situation #4: Parent has asked for a meeting with the teacher to talk about problems his daughter has been having with the teacher.
Parent’s message: “My daughter got along with all her other teachers just fine.”
Teacher’s empathy: “Are you feeling annoyed, and needing assurance that your daughter is getting the attention she needs?”
I was working with a group of eighth graders in a school in Washington and was teaching them to connect with the feelings and needs behind any message. I asked them to identify a list of things their parents, teachers, and classmates were saying that they were interpreting as criticism, and demonstrated how they could learn to sense what the feelings and needs were behind these statements. I told them that each message that sounded like criticism was really a song that I would sing for them. The song was “See Me Beautiful,” by Kathy and Red Grammer.
See Me Beautiful
Look for the best in me.
That’s what I really am
And all I want to be.
It may take some time,
It may be hard to find,
But see me beautiful.
See me beautiful
Each and every day:
Could you take a chance,
Could you find a way
To see me shining through
In everything I do
And see me beautiful?
(“See Me Beautiful” by Kathy & Red Grammer
© 1986 Smilin Atcha Music Inc. Available from
Red Note Records 800-824-2980)
A month later, I was back in the same city and was talking to a teacher from the school. The teacher said to me, grinning: “Are you aware of what monsters you created? Every time we start to yell at the children now they put their arms around one another and sing, See Me Beautiful!
Exercise 5
Differentiating Between Receiving
Empathically And Non-Empathically
If you would like an exercise to see whether we are in agreement about empathy, please circle the number in front of the statements in which person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A.
Person A (student): Nobody likes me. Person B (teacher): Yes they do. They just don’t know you very well because you’re shy.
Person A (student): I can’t do these math problems. I’m stupid. Person B (teacher): Do you feel frustrated and want to understand math better?
Person A (parent): My daughter won’t talk to me about anything. Person B (teacher): Have you tried listening more?
Person A (school principal): You need to bring your students’ test scores up. Person B (teacher): Are you worried and want to protect us from any unpleasant consequences that might happen if we don’t show higher test scores?
Person A (student): Pat’s always the teacher’s pet. Person B (teacher): Are you mad because I ask her to help me a lot?
Person A (student): I hate school. Person B (teacher): I know just how you feel. I didn’t like school when I was your age.
Person A (student): I think it’s unfair that the other class gets a longer recess than we do. Person B (teacher): That’s because they’re younger.
Person A (parent): You give your students too much homework. My daughter is in tears every night trying to get it done. Person B (teacher): Are you feeling concerned about your daughter’s health and well-being?
Person A (student): I don’t want to talk about it. Person B (teacher): I don’t see how we’re going to work this out if you won’t talk about it.
Person A (student): I don’t want the bell to ring. I’ll never get to finish my story. Person B (teacher): Are you feeling frustrated because you really want to complete your story now that you’re so close?
Here are my responses for Exercise 5:
I didn’t circle this one because I hear Person B giving reassurance and then offering an analysis instead of empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you sad because you really want to have friends?”
If you circled this we are in agreement. I hear Person B empathically receiving what Person A is expressing.
I didn’t circle this one because I hear Person B giving advice rather than empathically receiving what Person A is expressing. Person B might have said, “Do you feel sad because you’d like to have more connection with your daughter?”
If you circled this we are in agreement. I hear Person B empathically receiving what Person A is expressing.
I hear Person B taking responsibility for Person A’s feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you mad because you’d like more opportunities to help out?”
I hear Person B assuming that he/she has understood and then talking about his/her own feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you feeling frustrated and needing more help with this subject?”
I hear Person B explaining rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you upset because you’d like to see that everyone is treated fairly here at school?”
If you circled this we are in agreement. I hear Person B empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
I hear Person B giving his/her opinions rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you upset and want some time to yourself to sort out your feelings?”
If you circled this we are in agreement. I hear Person B empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
CHAPTER 4
Creating Partnership Relationships Between Teachers And Students
Partnership in Setting Objectives and Evaluation
In most schools, Domination schools, the role of teachers is to control the actions of students. It is assumed that teachers know what students need to learn and how students are to behave. On the basis of this knowledge teachers have the right to use “power-over” tactics (reward, punishment, guilt, shame, duty, obligation) to control the actions of students. And on the basis of this assumption, the school authorities establish learning objectives unilaterally. This leaves most students seeing only the possibilities of submission or rebellion, and teachers who are not altogether comfortable with this “power-over” role, feeling powerless to effect change.
But if we are to prepare students to create and maintain Life-Enriching organizations, I suggest we provide the opportunity for students to relate as partners with teachers and administrators. One manifestation of this partnership involves mutually establishing learning objectives.
Objectives With Life-Enriching Purposes
In order for objectives to be established mutually, it is necessary for teachers to clearly communicate how the lives of students will be enriched by pursuing the objectives they choose. This is critical, because Life-Enriching Education requires that actions of teachers and students be motivated by the intention to enrich life and not by fear of punishment or hope for an extrinsic reward (a high grade or a college scholarship, for example), and certainly not simply by some edict that implies that people in authority know what is good for us.
So am I advocating a school where the students study whatever and whenever they choose, a policy of total permissiveness? No more than I am advocating the continuation of the Domination system.
Perhaps there is no clearer way of differentiating between Domination, permissive, and Life-Enriching Education than by noting how learning objectives are determined:
In Domination Education the teacher’s objectives are pursued without the commitment of the student being necessary.
In permissive education the student’s objectives are pursued without the commitment of the teacher be
ing necessary.
In Life-Enriching Education only those objectives that are mutually agreed upon by the teacher and student are pursued.
The process of the teachers and students mutually establishing objectives might begin with the teacher recommending an area of study and explaining the needs that the teacher predicts would be fulfilled by pursuing this area of study. If the student sees the value of the proposed course of study and agrees, mutual objectives have been reached. Or mutual objectives might be reached by the student suggesting an area of study that the teacher is willing to support.
The dialogue skills described in Chapters 2 and 3 are essential for teachers to arrive at mutual learning objectives with their students. To maximize commitment from students to objectives, teachers must not only be sincerely aware of the Life-Enriching nature of the objectives recommended, but they must also be able to communicate how the objectives will be Life-Enriching to the students.
If and when students are unwilling to pursue certain objectives, teachers need these communication skills to help them understand the reasons for the student’s unwillingness, so the teachers can determine whether there are ways of making the objectives more appealing; or through this understanding, the teacher might come to see that other objectives would be better for the student to pursue than the ones originally advocated by the teacher.