Black Hearts Red

by Leigh, Anne

“Babe?” His voice sounded so far away.

  My love.

  Matty.

  “Please wake up, baby.”

  “What time did she move her eyes?” My mom. She sounded really upset.

  “10:18.” My sister. So precise.

  “Babe?” I heard his voice again.

  I wanted to open my eyes, but the pull of the abyss was stronger.

  I was tired.

  So very tired.

  My heart was beating.

  But it was beating so fast.

  Then so slow.

  Then again, so fast.

  My eyelids felt so heavy.

  The cocoon of rest and solitude was too good to leave.

  The first thing I noticed were the white walls.

  I’d been in a room like this before.

  I’d memorized every crack in the ceiling and every scratch on the paint on the walls the last time I was stuck in a place like this.

  The next thing I noticed was that the curtains were pulled back.

  Sofia loved to show me sunshine.

  She said that the sun was the source of all life, and as long as it was shining on me, I was alive.

  I was alive.

  But where was I?

  A tall lady wearing blue scrubs walked inside the room, “Oh good. You’re waking up.”

  I heard her voice, but the sound of the machines inside the room drowned her out. There were long beeps and short beeps. And an erratic thump once in a while.

  “Baby girl! You’re awake!” My mom’s excited voice preceded her footsteps. Her face closed in on me and I felt a kiss on my forehead.

  Then the solid touch of my dad holding my right hand registered, “Ali – thank God. The doctor said that you would be waking up soon.”

  Were those tears in my dad’s eyes?

  I lifted my right hand. “Water?”

  My voice came out scratchy, forced, unnatural.

  “We just pulled out the tube that helped you breathe. You’ll have some soreness for a while,” the nurse said with a soft smile. “You’re attached to the monitors so we can see how your heart is doing. Especially now. I’ll be at the station. Please don’t hesitate to push on the call button if you need me.”

  Especially now?

  What did she mean by that?

  Mom pressed my hand to her heart, “You gave us quite a scare. You’ve been in and out for three days, but Doctor Charis said that you’ll be out of the woods soon, and praise the Lord she spoke the truth.”

  Dad’s green eyes were filled with concern; he spoke as if he knew all the questions I had. “We flew out here as soon as Sofia called. You passed out at the SWF party, and the doctors had a hard time bringing your heart back to rhythm. Now that it’s somewhat stable, maybe we can talk about bringing you back home.”

  “Home?” My eyes flew between my mom and dad. They were wearing matching blue jackets and now that I was eighty percent alert, I saw the shadows beneath their eyes.

  “Matteo wants to talk to you about it, but I think it’s best if you come back home so Dr. Parminder can take care of you,” Mom said in a weary voice.

  Dr. Parminder was my cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic. She’d taken care of me since I was diagnosed with mitral valve insufficiency, a lasting effect of the chest trauma I’d suffered years ago. A condition that had been managed effectively with medication until this year. This year it had gotten worse and Dr. Parminder had recommended surgery to repair it.

  “With your condition, you’re in a very fragile state, so I’d feel comfortable if Dr. Parminder and her team managed you,” Mom said and I nodded.

  Mom knew what was best for me.

  But the way she said it bugged me.

  Was I that fragile now?

  My heart was that bad?

  My dad’s eyes started to soak with tears, “You didn’t have to hide it from us, baby girl. We would have understood.”

  Hide what?

  I crunched on the ice that Mom offered me and whispered, “I didn’t mean to hide anything from you.”

  Dad knew of my condition and so did Mom.

  What were they talking about?

  “She’s awake?”

  I heard his voice by the door, and then he was beside my hospital bed in a flash.

  “She just woke up,” Mom nodded to Matteo. With another kiss to my forehead, she said, “The ICU only permits two visitors at a time. Dad and I will be in the waiting room where everyone is.”

  Matteo gave Mom and Dad a hug and as soon as they left, he stood in the space that my Dad left and leaned over.

  I felt his kiss on my left cheek then on my lips.

  “God.” He whispered almost like a prayer, “I love you, Ali.”

  Both of his hands wrapped my left hand in his and he repeated it again. “I’m so sorry.”

  My eyes were filled with confusion, “For what?”

  It was then that I saw the pain he’d been probably carrying for days.

  The shadows that chased his soul.

  Matteo kept a lot of things inside of himself.

  He must have been thinking of the worst when I wasn’t lucid.

  “Sofia told me – everything.” His words hit me like a solid brick, and the tears started to flow down my cheeks and to the top of my gown.

  “She said that you suffered chest trauma when you hit the rock at the bottom of the water and it affected your heart. And all of it happened because you tried to save Reece.” His voice was stark with loss and distress. “You tried to save her, Ali…and all I did was leave you.”

  This time there was no hiding the pain he was feeling.

  Matty didn’t cry.

  Not willingly.

  And even when he cried, he didn’t do it with tears.

  But this time, his shoulders shook and water flowed from his beautiful eyes. Eyes that always pierced through my soul.

  “I’m sorry for not speaking to you. For blaming you in my grief. For not looking beyond my own pain and setting you aside. For all the years I’d wasted projecting my hurt towards you –“ Matty’s head bowed, and my hand reached out to touch his face.

  “I’m here now, Matty. We’re here now. I want us to move forward. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my heart condition earlier. I wanted you to know, but I know you’d ask why and then I’d have to tell you why.” I was upset when he refused to speak to me. After years of being my friend, one of my best friends, I felt that he should have at least given me the chance to mourn with him. But my counselor had given me the tools to heal. And so did my family and friends.

  Matteo nodded his head and kissed my hands again. I saw the exhaustion in his demeanor and the weight of his confession on his shoulders.

  Everyone had a way of dealing with grief.

  Every person had a path of healing their broken heart.

  His was that way.

  And now, our ways have converged.

  The room held his sobs, and my heart caged the regret in his voice.

  “I’m not perfect, Ali. My temper gets to rule me sometimes and I get irrationally jealous because I want you to myself. I’m always going to think that Greyson wants to be with you even if you tell me a hundred times that you’re just friends. I will think that because that’s how you and I started.” He said, the tears drying from his eyes and his voice calmer now, “But please know that I will always try to be better for you. For us.”

  Well, what else can I say?

  “I love you too, Matty.” I always have.

  “I wish you’d told me about your heart before so maybe I could have taken precautions with you – not to exert so much effort, and I could have gone with you to your appointments.” He didn’t sound mad at all.

  “I know that now…”

  Softly, he kissed my fingers and I felt so cherished. My heart might not work as well as it should, but at this moment I felt my heart beating as perfectly as it should.

  “I’m going to wrap some things up before I take a lea
ve.”

  A leave?

  “For what?” I voiced out. “Mom didn’t say I was going to have surgery soon. We still have to consult with Dr. Parminder.”

  “Babe, I’m not leaving you on your own while you’re pregnant.” This time his grey eyes held pride and joy. “I’m going to pamper you so much you’ll get sick of me.”

  “What?”

  “I told Sofia that you would have told me or her.” His grin burgeoned into a full-on smile and this time, my heart skipped a beat because I recalled all the times that I’d felt queasy and tired and the constant naps I’d been taking. To top it all, I hadn’t gotten my period. “Now I know for sure you didn’t know. Did you?”

  I shook my head, my hand touching my stomach, “I’m pregnant?”

  “Yes. Doctor said about ten weeks.” There was so much love and adoration in his gaze.

  “You’re okay with that?”

  “More than okay with it.” The excitement in his voice couldn’t be contained. He lowered his mouth to mine and gave me a slow kiss. “Are you?”

  “I’m not sure.” I was only finding out now and it felt strange. There was a baby growing inside of me. Our baby.

  My eyes started to fill with tears again. Maybe it was why I was super emotional.

  “Our parents know?” I asked because that would be the answer as to why they were saying I was fragile and I had a special condition.

  “Yes and they’re all very excited. Dr. Kinnesy, he’s been in charge of your care, he kind of stole the show when he said it in front of everyone. He’d had a long night, and he must have thought everyone knew.” Matteo lowered his head to my chest and pressed his ear to my heart, “Now we just have to make sure everything is okay with your heart because Dr. Kinnesy said that it could be the cause of why you fainted and why your heart’s doing all these crazy things – pregnancy takes a toll on the heart.”

  “We’re having a baby, Matty.” I was now feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Our child was growing inside of me.

  “About that, Ali baby –“ He looked apologetic, a shy smile fronting his handsome features. “You’re actually carrying two babies.”

  My jaw dropped. “Twins?”

  “Yeah…”

  “Don’t say it –” I warned him, but it was probably too late because cocky Matty had now reared its head.

  “When I knock you up, babe…” His blinding smile was on display. “I knock you up real good.”

  Matteo

  My world didn’t tilt or shift when the attending doctor told me, and our families and friends present in the waiting room, that I was going to be a father.

  Time didn’t stop when I told Ali I loved her.

  Life didn’t press pause when I learned that we were having twins.

  Twins.

  Not one child.

  But two.

  No – my world continued to revolve on the same axis.

  But while it didn’t tilt, shift, or pause, my life did do something.

  It changed.

  What was important to me before all these revelations were now shelved on the back burner.

  I knew my net worth.

  It came with a lot of zeroes.

  I knew what I stood for in the business world.

  It came with a lot of accolades.

  But in the realm of being a father and a lover of a woman whose heart could give out any minute – I was a rookie.

  A newbie.

  And I was at an utter loss.

  Dr. Khamir Parminder was a petite lady whose Indian heritage was everywhere in her office, and the pictures of her and her children were the subject matter that Ali and her focused on.

  “When they’re older, they don’t really come home for the holidays anymore so my husband and I had a quiet, surgery-free two-day vacation,” Dr. Parminder was saying as Ali smiled at her. Ali was wearing a loose, red dress that showcased her six-and-a-half-month pregnant stomach and a glow that made her more beautiful than she already was.

  Pregnancy looked great on her.

  You know what wasn’t good about pregnancy?

  The increasing breathlessness Ali was having.

  Even when she was resting.

  We flew to Minnesota as soon as she was cleared by the doctors in Vegas to fly.

  I handed off all the meetings and pending projects to Carlyle, my second-in-command.

  Oh yeah, I had one.

  He was appraised of every project and negotiation that I had. He was busy in North America and normally I dealt with everything else, but I wasn’t operating on normal anymore.

  Mom and Dad knew what my priorities were.

  Dad even flew to Beijing to cover for me because when Ali was cleared to go, I didn’t want to leave her side.

  And I haven’t.

  I promised her that I would be with her every step of the way and so I would.

  It was the only way I could keep my sanity during these times.

  Times when I would wake up to her gasping for her next breath.

  It helped that we were staying at her parents’ house because Aunt Sedona was a nurse and knew how to assess how my girl was doing.

  Ali now had monitors attached to her when she slept and we could always call the doctor if we needed her.

  “I don’t want to operate on you while the babies are in there,” Dr. Parminder said. “But if your symptoms continue, I might not have a choice.”

  Ali’s violet eyes watered. I tightened the hand that hadn’t left her waist since we entered Dr. Parminder’s office. The nurse took some blood from Ali and after Dr. Parminder conducted some tests to determine how her heart was doing, the good doctor was giving us the rundown on what to anticipate next.

  “I’ve talked with Dr. Hyeda.” Dr. Hyeda was Ali’s OB-GYN. The fact that Ali had a heart condition and was carrying twins made her health and the babies’ health even more vulnerable. “And we think that the best place for you is to stay here in the hospital.”

  Ali and I agreed with her because we didn’t ever want to take a chance on her and our babies’ health.

  “The larger the babies grow, the harder it will be for your heart. We will be doing the C-section at thirty-four weeks if your symptoms are manageable.” Dr. Parminder’s eyes were serious. “I will perform the surgery within two weeks to a month after the babies are born. It’s not enough time for your body to recover, but we can’t wait any longer.”

  “Does this happen often?” I asked. I wanted to know what Ali’s chances were of getting out of this alive. Because that’s the only result I could accept.

  The only outcome I could come to terms with.

  “Her condition is rare in itself. Chest trauma usually manifests right away, but in Ali’s case, it was so hidden that we didn’t even know how bad it was until the symptoms showed. I know pregnancy is supposed to be a great time, but in her case, it accelerated everything so now we have to make the best out of it.”

  That didn’t answer my question so I reiterated, “How many open heart surgeries have you done like Ali’s case?”

  “Open heart surgeries, I’ve done a lot. Ali’s case – five in my whole career.”

  “Out of the five?”

  “Three had the best results.”

  I didn’t like the sixty-forty odds.

  I could win this hand in poker.

  But when we were talking about my woman’s life, I’d like the odds to be a hundred and ten percent in her favor.

  “Your mom is a good friend of mine, Alissa. It’s why Sedona came to me when you were first having issues with your heart. Your family is like my family. I will do everything that I can for the best possible outcome.” Dr. Parminder reached her hand across the table and held Ali’s hand.

  I’d seen the light snuff out of Ali’s eyes.

  I’d seen how the pregnancy had taken everything out of her.

  But I never heard her complain.

  Not once.

  Instead she spent her time shopping for
baby items online and thinking of ways on how we were going to decorate our future house.

  We didn’t have a house yet. I thought of buying one in Nevada, but everything was up in the air.

  Ali wanted to finish school which was obviously on pause right now.

  Her school was in San Francisco.

  We’d talked about living in the Bay Area, but we also talked about how nice it would be to be close to our parents, Nevada and Minnesota, respectively.

  Everything was hinging on Ali and the babies’ health, so we were living on a day-to-day basis.

  For a man like me who liked to project the future, it was a struggle not to scream and punch everything in sight.

  And sometimes I did.

  At the gym in her parents’ house.

  I wanted everything to turn out for the best.

  And this time, I absolutely had no control of it.

  None whatsoever.

  Angelo Sev Tanner was born a minute before his sister, Aliana Reece Tanner.

  They were five days shy of thirty-four weeks, but their mom’s condition had gone from bad to worse. The team of doctors and nurses orchestrated the delivery of my children with diligent planning and coordination, and I knew that the minute they were discharged from this hospital, I was going to donate an extra wing to the building.

  Gelo had his mother’s smile and my eyes, and Lian took my breath away.

  At two weeks’ old, I already knew that the answer to her questions would be yes.

  “How did they feed today?” Ali asked, her eyes filled so much happiness. I looked at the monitor on the right side of her bed, her oxygen saturation was 98%. After three months of being in the hospital with her, I had a good idea of what went on.

  “They were champs.” The babies had to be kept in the intensive care unit because of their age and weight, but they were progressing so well. The feeding tubes that helped them take in food were just removed today.

  I wheeled Ali to the NICU six times a day. Four during the day and twice during the night. My girl couldn’t sleep without knowing our babies were okay, so at nine pm and at four in the morning, we viewed our babies sleeping quietly in their incubators.

  “Why are you on your phone a lot today?” Ali observed. “Got a hot date?”