Various Fiction

by Robert Sheckley

  “When did I say—”

  “Kindly don’t argue with me,” Ferguson said. “Don’t nag.”

  “I wasn’t nagging!” his wife shouted.

  “I’m going to lie down.” Ferguson said.

  He went upstairs and stood in front of the telephone. There was no doubt of it, everything Esmond had said was true.

  He glanced at his watch, and was surprised to find that it was a quarter to five.

  Ferguson began to pace in front of the telephone. He stared at Esmond’s card, and a vision of the trim, attractive Miss Dale floated through his mind.

  He lunged at the telephone.

  “Disposal Service, Mr. Esmond speaking.”

  “This is Mr. Ferguson.”

  “Yes, sir. What have you decided?”

  “I’ve decided . . .” Ferguson clenched the telephone tightly. He had a perfect right to do this, he told himself.

  And yet, they had been married for seventeen years. Seventeen years! There had been good times, as well as bad. Was it fair, was it really fair?

  “What have you decided, Mr. Ferguson?” Esmond repeated.

  “I—I—no! I don’t want the service!” Ferguson shouted.

  “Are you certain, Mr. Ferguson?”

  “Yes, absolutely. You should be behind bars! Good day, sir!”

  He hung up, and immediately felt an enormous weight leave his mind. He hurried downstairs.

  His wife was cooking short ribs of beef, a dish he had never liked. But it didn’t matter. He was prepared to overlook petty annoyances.

  The doorbell rang.

  “Oh, it must be the laundry,” Mrs. Ferguson said, trying simultaneously to toss a salad and stir the soup. “Would you mind?”

  “Not at all.” Glowing in his newfound self-righteousness, Ferguson opened the door. Two uniformed men were standing outside, carrying a large canvas bag.

  “Laundry?” Ferguson asked.

  “Disposal Service,” one of the men said.

  “But I told you I didn’t—”

  The two men seized him, and, with the dexterity of long practice, stuffed him into the bag.

  “You can’t do this!” Ferguson shrieked.

  The bag closed over him, and he fell himself carried down his walk. A car door creaked open, and he was laid carefully on the floor.

  “Is everything all right?” he heard his wife ask.

  “Yes, madam. There was a change in the schedule. We are able to fit you in after all.”

  “I’m so glad,” he heard her say. “It was such a pleasure talking to your Mr. French this afternoon. Now excuse me. Dinner is almost ready, and I must make a phone call.”

  The car began to move. Ferguson tried to scream, but the canvas pressed tightly against his face.

  He asked himself desperately, who could she be calling? Why didn’t I suspect?

  MORNING AFTER

  What was he doing here? Would he live or die? For the answers to these and other questions, Piersen had to keep tuning in on a hangover!

  SLOWLY and unwillingly, Piersen recovered consciousness. He lay on his back, eyes tightly closed, trying to postpone the inevitable awakening. But consciousness returned and brought sensation with it. Needles of pain stabbed at his eyeballs, and the base of his skull began to pound like a giant heart. His joints seemed to be on fire, and his stomach was a deep well of nausea.

  It was no relief for him to realize that he was suffering from the absolute king and emperor of all hangovers.

  Piersen had considerable knowledge of hangovers. He had experienced most of them in his time—the alcohol jitters, the miniscarette depressions, the triple skliti nerve ache. But this hangover felt like a combination and intensification of them all, with heroin withdrawal symptoms thrown in for good measure.

  What had he been drinking last night? And where? He tried to remember, but last night, like so many nights in his life, was a featureless blur. He would have to reconstruct it, as usual, piece by piece.

  Well, he decided, it was time to do the manly thing. Time to open his eyes, get out of bed, and walk bravely to the medicine chest. A hypo of di-chloral right down the main line ought to bring him around.

  PIERSEN opened his eyes and started to get out of bed. Then he realized that he wasn’t in bed.

  He was lying in tall grass, with a glaring white sky overhead and the odor of decaying vegetation in his nostrils.

  He groaned and closed his eyes again. This was too much. He must have been really boiled last night, potted, fried, roasted, and done to a turn. Hadn’t even made it home. Apparently he had passed out in Central Park. Now he’d have to hail a flit and hold himself together until he could reach his apartment.

  With a mighty effort, he opened his eyes and stood up.

  He was standing in tall grass. Surrounding him, as far as he could see, were giant orange-boled trees. The trees were interlaced with purple and green vines, some as thick as his body. Around the trees, impenetrably dense, was a riotous jungle of ferns, shrubs, evil yellow orchids, black creepers, and many unidentifiable plants of ominous shape and hue. Through this dense jungle, he could hear the chitter and squeak of small animals and a distant grating roar from some larger beast.

  “This is not Central Park,” Piersen informed himself.

  He looked around, shielding his eyes from the glaring sunless sky.

  “I don’t even think it’s Earth,” he said.

  He was astonished and delighted with his calmness. Gravely, he sat down in the tall grass and proceeded to review his situation.

  His name was Walter Hill Piersen. He was thirty-two years old, a resident of New York City. He was a fully accredited voter, respectably unemployed, moderately well off. Last night, he had left his apartment at seven-fifteen, with the intention of partying. It must have been quite an evening.

  Yes, quite an evening, Piersen told himself. At some time during it, he seemed to have blacked out. But instead of coming to in bed, or even in Central Park, he had awakened in a thick and smelly jungle. Furthermore, he felt certain that this jungle was not on Earth.

  That summed it up rather well, Piersen told himself. He looked around at the vast orange trees, the purple and green vines which interwove them, the harsh white sunlight streaming through. And, finally, the reality of it all filtered through his befogged mind.

  He shrieked in terror, buried his head in his arms, and passed out.

  THE next time he recovered consciousness, most of his hangover had gone, leaving behind only a taste in his mouth and a general state of debility. Then and there, Piersen decided it was time he went on the wagon—past time, when he started having hallucinations about orange-colored trees and purple vines in an alien jungle.

  Cold sober now, he opened his eyes and saw that he was in an alien jungle.

  “All right!” he shouted. “What’s this all about?”

  There was no immediate answer. Then, from the surrounding trees, a vast chattering of unseen animal life began, and slowly subsided.

  Shakily, Piersen stood up and leaned against a tree. He had reacted all he could to the situation; there was no more astonishment left in him. So he was in a jungle. All right—then what was he doing there?

  No answer sprang to mind. Obviously, he told himself, something unusual must have happened last night. But what? Painfully, he tried to reconstruct the events of the evening.

  He had left his apartment at seven-fifteen and gone to . . .

  He whirled. Something was coming toward him, moving softly through the underbrush. Piersen waited, his heart hammering. It came nearer, moving cautiously, sniffing and moaning faintly. Then the underbrush parted and the creature came out into the open.

  It was about ten feet long, a streamlined blue-black animal shaped like a torpedo or a shark, moving toward him on four sets of thick, stubby legs. It seemed to have no external eyes or ears, but long antennae vibrated from its sloping forehead. When it opened its long, undershot jaw, Piersen saw rows of yellow tee
th.

  Moaning softly to itself, the creature advanced upon him.

  Although he had never seen nor dreamed of a beast like this, Piersen didn’t pause to question its validity. He turned and sprinted into the jungle. For fifteen minutes, he raced through the underbrush. Then, completely winded, he was forced to stop.

  Far behind him, he could hear the blue-black creature moaning as it followed.

  Piersen started again, walking now. Judging by the creature’s moans, it couldn’t move very rapidly. He was able to maintain his distance at a walk. But what would happen when he stopped? What were its intentions toward him? And could it climb trees?

  He decided not to think about it at present.

  The first question, the key to all other questions, was: What was he doing here? What happened to him last night?

  He concentrated.

  HE had left his apartment at seven-fifteen and gone for a walk. The New York climatologist had, by popular demand, produced a pleasant misty evening with a fertile hint of rain, which, of course, would never fall on the city proper. It made for pleasant walking.

  He strolled down Fifth Avenue, window-shopping, and making note of the Free Days offered by the stores. Baimler’s Department Store, he noticed, was having a Free Day next Wednesday, from six to nine A.M. He really should get a special pass from his alderman. Even with it, he would have to wake up early and stand in the preferential line. But it was better than paying.

  In half an hour, he was comfortably hungry. There were several good commercial restaurants nearby, but he seemed to be without funds. So he turned down 54th Street, to the Coutray Free Restaurant.

  At the door, he showed his voting card and his special pass, signed by Coutray’s third assistant secretary, and was allowed in. He ordered a plain filet mignon dinner and drank a mild red wine with it, since no stronger beverages were served there. His waiter brought him the evening newspaper. Piersen scanned the listings for free entertainment, but found nothing to his liking.

  As he was leaving, the manager of the restaurant hurried up to him.

  “Beg your pardon, sir,” the manager said. “Was everything satisfactory, sir?”

  “The service was slow,” said Piersen. “The filet, although edible, was not of truly prime quality. The wine was passable.”

  “Yes, sir—thank you, sir—our apologies, sir,” the manager said, jotting down Piersen’s comments in a little notebook. “We’ll try to improve, sir. Your dinner came to you courtesy of the Honorable Blake Coutray, Water Commissioner for New York. Mr. Coutray is standing for re-election on November 22. Row J-3 in your voting booth. We humbly solicit your vote, sir.”

  “We’ll see,” said Piersen, and left the restaurant.

  In the street, he helped himself to a souvenir pack of cigarettes which a record-playing dispensing machine was distributing for Elmer Baine, a minor Brooklyn politician. He strolled again along Fifth Avenue, thinking about Blake Coutray.

  LIKE any accredited citizen, Piersen valued his vote highly and bestowed it only after mature consideration. He, like all voters, considered a candidate’s qualifications carefully before voting for or against him.

  In Coutray’s favor was the fact that he had maintained a good restaurant for nearly a year. But what else had he done? Where was that free amusement center he had promised, and the jazz concerts?

  Shortage of public funds was not a valid excuse.

  Would a new man do more? Or should Coutray be given another term? These were not questions to be decided out of hand, Piersen thought. And now was not the time for serious thinking. Nights were made for pleasure, intoxication, laughter.

  What should he do this evening? He had seen most of the free shows. Sporting events didn’t interest him particularly. There were several parties going, but they didn’t sound very amusing. He could find available girls at the Mayor’s Open House, but Piersen’s appetites had been waning of late.

  So he could get drunk, which was the surest escape from an evening’s boredom. What would it be? Miniscarette? A contact intoxicant? Skliti?

  “Hey, Walt!”

  He turned. Billie Benz was walking toward him, grinning broadly, half roasted already.

  “Hey, there, Walt boy!” Benz said. “You got anything on tonight?”

  “Nothing much,” Piersen asked. “Why?”

  “A new kick’s opening. Fine, brilliant, lively new kick. Care to try?”

  Piersen frowned. He didn’t like Benz. The big, loud, red-faced man was a thoroughgoing shirker, a completely worthless human. The fact that he held no job didn’t bother Piersen. Hardly anyone worked anymore. Why work if you can vote? But Benz was too lazy even to vote. And that, Piersen felt, was too much. Voting was the obligation and livelihood of every citizen.

  Still, Benz had an uncanny knack for finding new kicks before anyone else.

  Piersen hesitated, then asked, “Is it free?”

  “Freer than soup,” Benz said, unoriginal as always.

  “What’s it all about?”

  “Well, friend, come along and let me tell you . . .”

  PIERSEN mopped perspiration from his face. The jungle had become deathly still. He could no longer hear the blue-black animal moaning in the underbrush behind him. Perhaps it had given up the chase.

  His evening clothes were ripped to shreds. Piersen stripped off the jacket and unbuttoned his shirt to the waist. The sun, hidden somewhere behind the dead-white sky, glared down. He was drenched in perspiration and his throat was parched. He would have to have water soon.

  His situation was becoming perilous. But Piersen refused to think about it now. He had to know why he was here before he could plan a way out.

  What fine, brilliant new kick had he gone to with Billie Benz?

  He leaned against a tree and shut his eyes. Slowly the memory began to form in his mind. They had walked east on 62nd Street and then—

  He heard the underbrush tremble and looked up quickly. The blue-black creature crept silently out. Its long antennae quivered, then homed on him. Instantly the creature gathered itself and sprang.

  Reacting instinctively, Piersen jumped out of the way. The creature, claws extended, missed him, whirled, and leaped again. Off balance, Piersen couldn’t dodge in time. He threw out both arms, and the shark-shaped animal crashed into him.

  The impact slammed Piersen against a tree. Desperately, he clung to the beast’s broad throat, straining to keep the snapping jaws from his face. He tightened his grip, trying to choke it, but there wasn’t enough strength in his fingers.

  The creature twisted and writhed, its paws clawing up the ground. Piersen’s arms began to bend under the strain. The snapping jaws came within an inch of his face. A long black-specked tongue licked out—

  In sheer revulsion, Piersen hurled the moaning creature from him. Before it could recover, he seized two vines and pulled himself into a tree. Driven by sheer panic, he scrambled up the slippery trunk from branch to branch. Thirty feet above the ground, he looked down.

  The blue-black thing was coming up after him, climbing as though trees were its natural habitat.

  Piersen went on, his whole body beginning to shake from the strain. The trunk was thinning out now, and there were only a few branches left to which he could cling. As he approached the top, fifty feet above the ground, the whole tree began to sway beneath his weight.

  He looked down and saw the creature ten feet below him and still coming. Piersen groaned, afraid he could climb no further. But fright put strength into his body. He scrambled to the last large branch, took a firm grip, and drew back both legs. As the beast approached, he lashed out with both feet.

  He caught it full in the body. Its claw tore out of the bark with a loud rasping sound. The creature fell, screaming, crashing through the overhanging branches, and finally hitting the ground with a squashy thud.

  Then there was silence.

  The creature was probably dead, Piersen thought. But he was not going down to investigate.
No power on Earth—or any other planet in the Galaxy—would induce him to descend willingly from his tree. He was going to stay right where he was until he was damned good and ready to come down.

  He slid down a few feet until he came to a large forked branch. Here he was able to make a secure perch for himself. When he was settled, he realized how close to collapse he was. Last night’s binge had drained him; today’s exertions had squeezed him dry.

  If anything larger than a squirrel attacked him now, he was finished.

  He settled his leaden limbs against the tree, closed his eyes, and went on with his reconstruction of last night’s events.

  “WELL, friend,” Billie Benz had said, “come along and let me tell you. Better still, let me show you.”

  They walked east on 62nd Street, while the deep blue twilight darkened into night. Manhattan’s lights came on, stars appeared on the horizon, and a crescent moon glowed through thin haze.

  “Where are we going?” Piersen asked.

  “Right hyar, podner,” Benz said.

  They were in front of a small brownstone building. A discreet brass sign on the door read NARCOLICS.

  “New free drug parlor,” said Benz. “It was opened just this evening by Thomas Moriarty, the Reform Candidate for Mayor. No one’s heard about it yet.”

  “Fine!” Piersen said.

  There were plenty of free activities in the city. The only problem was getting to them before the crowds collected, because almost everyone was in search of pleasure and change.

  Many years back, the Central Eugenics Committee of the United World Government had stabilized the world population at a sensible figure. Not in a thousand years had there been so few people on Earth, and never had they been so well cared for. Undersea ecology, hydroponics, and full utilization of the surface lands made food and clothing abundantly available—overavailable, in fact. Lodgings for a small, stable population was no problem, with automatic building methods and a surplus of materials. Even luxury goods were no luxury.

  It was a safe, stable, static culture. Those few who researched, produced, and kept the machines running received generous compensation. But most people just didn’t bother working. There was no need and no incentive.