“Holy shit,” Bea said, trailing her fingers along the racks of spectacular garments, unable to fathom that they could really all be for her.
“I know you love a bold print, but we can’t do too much pattern on camera, I hope you understand,” Alison explained as Bea picked up a Yigal Azrouël blouse detailed with pleated hammered satin.
“Of course,” Bea murmured, noting that the blouse perfectly matched a blush pencil skirt in laminated lace. Was this heaven? Was she dead?
“We tend to do a lot of sparkle for cocktail parties,” Alison went on, “but I refuse to make you look like a disco ball, so I’m embellishing a lot of things myself.” She showed Bea a Dima Ayad maxi she’d hand-embroidered along the bust with lace appliqués.
“This is so beautiful,” Bea gushed. “I’m getting ’90s Thierry Mugler vibes.”
“That’s exactly what I was going for! I want to do so much boudoir for you, too, really hit the nail on the head that you see yourself as sexy, and you want America to see you that way too.”
“And when the show is over …” Bea could barely bring herself to ask the question.
Alison grinned. “You get to keep everything.”
Spending so much time with Alison, trying on so many wonderful things and feeling more beautiful than she ever had, Bea could almost believe her press rollout—now just one week away—would be as smooth as the buttery Lafayette 148 white leather moto jacket Bea wanted to wear every day forever.
Usually, the star of Main Squeeze was announced well in advance of filming, and the suitors auditioning for a chance to be her husband knew full well who they were competing for. But this year, everything was different: Not only did Bea’s suitors not know who she was, Lauren was sequestering them and putting them on total media blackout for the final five days before filming began—the five days when Bea’s role as the next Main Squeeze would finally be made public. Meaning that the very first time Bea and her men would lay eyes on one another would be on the live season premiere of the show.
“Don’t you think that’s a little risky?” Bea asked Lauren, anxiety crackling at the edges of her already frayed nerves.
“We want them to go in with a clean slate—with open minds,” Lauren explained. They were doing a walk-through of Bea’s soon-to-be bedroom at the Main Squeeze Mansion, a garish affair overlooking the Malibu coastline. Bea detested the plasticized knockoff Pier 1 furniture, but she couldn’t deny that the view of the Pacific was stunning. She tried to imagine how it would feel to stand with a man and gaze out at the horizon, to kiss him as the waves rolled in, feel his hands at the small of her back. Try as she might, she couldn’t picture anyone but Ray.
“The thing is”—Lauren’s voice sliced through the daydream—“we’re anticipating some mixed press, and we don’t want that to poison the well with your suitors. Of course, we think the balance will be overwhelmingly positive, but there’s bound to be some, you know. Controversy.”
“Which is part of why you cast me. Controversy breeds publicity.”
“Our ratings are going to be enormous.” Lauren gave Bea a sly smile. “But I don’t want you to get too in your head about what people are going to say about you—let them talk. You can laugh all the way to the bank.”
“Totally,” Bea agreed with more conviction than she actually felt. “Besides, it’s not like they’ll be saying anything I haven’t heard a thousand times before.”
Lauren gave Bea a sympathetic nod. “Listen, I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure this rollout goes as well for you as it possibly can. We’re going to give People the exclusive—you’ll be on the cover—so that will be a great outlet for you, they’ll post the story online first thing Wednesday. You’ll go straight to Good Morning, USA! for your first live interview, and then we’ll have you booked back-to-back for three days solid before we go to ground to prep for the premiere. It’s going to be grueling, but then, so will our two months of filming. You can handle it, right?”
“Of course.” Bea met Lauren’s eye. “That’s what you’re paying me for.”
The shoot for People went off without a hitch. They photographed Bea in a gorgeous Marina Rinaldi gown, black with a deep sweetheart neckline and long sleeves made of sheer mesh embroidered with oversized black polka dots. With Bea’s hair in a sky-high beehive (and fake lashes almost as long), the whole look was very Jackie O meets Andy Warhol. After the photo shoot came the interview, and the reporter they’d chosen, an energetic twentysomething named Sheena, lapped up Bea’s commitment to body positivity for herself and her legions of fans.
“I just think you are so freaking brave.”
“Thank you, Sheena, I appreciate that. But I don’t think we should overstate what I’m doing here—I’m going on a reality dating show, not going off to war.”
“Ugh, and humble too?? I swear, Bea, you’re just perfect. Real talk, though”—she leaned in conspiratorially—“are you nervous? I would be so nervous if I were you—dating twenty-five men at once is so much pressure!”
“Honestly? Yeah, of course I’m nervous—who wouldn’t be?”
“Can you tell me more specifically about what makes you most anxious?”
That every man would remind her of Ray? That none of them would? That everyone would see through her feigned flirtations and call her a liar and a self-serving hypocrite? That whatever had kept her from having a serious relationship for her thirty years on Earth would be laid bare for all of America to see?
“I guess it’s two sides of the same coin, really,” Bea said carefully. “A show like this presents such an amazing opportunity to make a connection, but you also have to face the possibility that you won’t meet that special person. I think everyone at Main Squeeze is going into this with the best intentions, but at the end of the day, it’s just twenty-five men in a whole world of people, you know? I want to keep my mind and heart open to the possibility I could end up marrying one of them, and I am. But I also want to be realistic—we’re all just people, and people are messy and complex. Life isn’t often a fairy tale, even on a show that aims to create one.”
“Was there a particular fairy tale you loved growing up? Any princess you identify with?”
“Is there a fat princess I don’t know about?” Bea laughed. “No, even as a kid, all that princess stuff felt like it really wasn’t for me. My stepdad and I always used to read ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’; that was my favorite.”
“So you prefer adventure to romance.”
“I developed my romantic side when I got a little older—I read Gone with the Wind so many times the pages started falling out.”
“And now you’re looking for your real-life Rhett!”
“Hopefully he won’t be a war profiteer, but I did always love how Scarlett and Rhett were each other’s equals. Their fire, their tenacity, their intellect—I hope to find all that in a partner.”
“Well, Bea”—Sheena lifted her glass of sparkling water in a toast—“here’s hoping you meet your Rhett on Main Squeeze—and that you realize you love him instead of spending all your time mooning over some guy who’s with another woman!”
Bea choked on her iced tea. “Excuse me?”
“You know, how Scarlett was obsessed with Ashley Wilkes even though he was married?” Sheena affected an atrocious Southern accent. “Oh, Ashley! Ashley!”
Bea did her best to laugh naturally, but she didn’t come anywhere close to pulling it off.
Three days later, before dawn on the morning of the big announcement, Bea was in a posh hotel room in midtown Manhattan, pacing back and forth and repeating her talking points for what felt like the millionth time.
“I’m just so grateful for this opportunity. I’ve always put my career first and it’s thrilling to have a chance to focus on love. It’s thrilling, thrilling, I’m so thrilled, just thrilled.” She took a deep breath to make herself slow down, but these nerves were like nothing she’d ever experienced.
She’d gotten the photo of
her cover of People the night before—she thought she looked great, and the headline was bold and punchy: “‘Is there a fat princess I don’t know about?’ The next Main Squeeze redefines real-life fairy tales!” She was meant to post the photo along with a link to her interview as soon as it went live on all of her social channels while People and ABS cross-promoted on theirs. All of this had been preapproved and coordinated by all the corporate players involved, including the social-media team at ABS who were, Bea was horrified to admit, now in possession of all her passwords.
They’d spent hours going over a calendar of preapproved content for the team to put out at regular intervals while Bea was filming the show and on complete Internet blackout. But this first post, the announcement post, sure to be the most widely seen post of Bea’s life, she insisted on sending with her own two thumbs. It felt like something she needed to do—to have some kind of agency over this tectonic shift in her existence, in some small way, to break the news herself.
So at exactly 5 A.M. Eastern on Wednesday, February 26, once the People interview was up, Bea sat at her laptop—which would so soon be contraband—closed her eyes, and clicked.
@OMBea Overjoyed to share I’ll be starring in the next season of @MainSqueezeABS! Read all about it in this week’s @People. Can’t wait to start this incredible journey.
@CounselorKaruna ahhhhhhh THIS IS AMAZING CONGRATS BEA!!!!
@DearJohn01209 I don’t understand. Is literally every other woman married?
@Bucky909 does this mean I’m actually going to have to watch #MainSqueeze this year?? So many conflicting emotions!
@weaver77 if I were single and looked like that I would save us all some time and just kill myself
@HetToToe @weaver77 she doesn’t need to kill herself shes gonna have a heart attack soon as she has sex
@weaver77 @HetToToe in that case I think she’s actually safe
@LondonReb Bea, you are such an amazing role model! Good for you!
@Delaney333 Wow Bea way to sell out everything you stand for and join the people who make women feel incomplete without a man!! Hope it’s fun!!!
@SSSSSScooter is this bitch stupid or just blind, no one’s falling in love with her
@halpmeout772 @SSSSSScooter idk id tie her down and rape her then at least you wouldn’t have to hear her talk
@SSSSSScooter @halpmeout772 you don’t even need to rape her bc she’d never say no
@halpmeout772 @SSSSSScooter that’s the best part about fat bitches, always grateful
MAIN SQUEEZE CAST ITS FIRST PLUS-SIZE LEAD,
AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!
by Sonia Sarsour, teenvogue.com
The next leading lady of Main Squeeze is plus-size blogger Bea Schumacher, and the Internet is losing its mind. After more than a decade of trotting out size-zero girls who seem like they lose another eight pounds to be on the show (Are they shaving down their cartilage? Where is the weight even COMING from?!), we’re finally getting a woman who looks like someone people outside Hollywood can actually relate to—and some of the biggest stars in Hollywood are all about it:
@TheEllenShow Love is love—any gender, any size. Rooting for you, @ombea!
@JameelaJamil Oh for fuck’s sake, they’ve NEVER had a plus lead before??? ABOUT TIME, @MAINSQUEEZEABS! Cheers to @ombea for breaking a boundary that never should have existed!
@ChrisEvans81 wait that Bea girl is single? DON’T GO ON THE SHOW CALL ME BEA
The hashtag #CallChris trended nationally, so if things don’t work out for Bea on Main Squeeze, she might just have a backup plan! That said, we wish Bea nothing but the best on her journey—her season premieres with a live special on Monday night, and we think it’s definitely one worth watching. Congrats, Bea, and keep shining!
IS BEA SCHUMACHER
A TERRIBLE ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS?
by Kiki Zaretsky, healthywomen.com
Plus-size blogger Bea Schumacher is the new star of Main Squeeze, and while a lot of people are celebrating, this mom is concerned. Childhood obesity affects more than one-fifth of American teenagers—it’s a health crisis that has been a cause célèbre for notable figures from Beyoncé to Michelle Obama. While it’s never okay to bully anyone because of the way they look, we do need to have a serious conversation about whether so-called “body positivity” is actually promoting unhealthy behavior among our children.
Let’s look at the facts: Bea Schumacher is obese, and obesity is scientifically linked to more than 60 diseases. At a time when our healthcare system is already overburdened, we should be encouraging Americans to eat healthier and exercise more. When we tell fat people that they’re beautiful exactly the way they are, we’re essentially giving up on their health—and while they might be okay with that, I’m certainly not!
It’s one thing for ABS to cast a more diverse group of people on its shows (I was all for the first Latino Main Squeeze last year!), but it’s quite another for a television show with millions of viewers to tell its audience that it’s okay to put your physical health in danger. ABS should immediately reconsider casting Bea Schumacher as the next Main Squeeze and recommit itself to promoting a healthy future for our children.
BEA SCHUMACHER
IS SETTING FEMINISM BACK FIFTY YEARS
by Jess Tilovi, jezebel.com
This week, it seems no corner of the Internet is safe from consternation and adulation over the casting of Bea Schumacher as the next star of garbage reality show Main Squeeze.
Seriously? We’re seriously treating this like PROGRESS?
For decades upon decades, the women’s movement has begged, cajoled, and insisted on viewing women as full human beings (not just sex objects), and we’re finally making some progress: For the first time, more than 100 members of the House of Representatives are women. In the wake of the #MeToo movement, women are reclaiming our personhood and bodily autonomy. Fat activists face enormous prejudice in seeking vital human rights—like unbiased medical care—for the plus-size community.
But Bea Schumacher isn’t about any of that. She’s about reinforcing the same, tired narrative about who women are and what we should be:
1)She’s a fashion blogger who thinks women should spend our time and money beautifying ourselves to conform with the male gaze. (Sorry, just because she’s plus-size does NOT make this in any way subversive.)
2)She’s going on a show that insists that the entire point of a woman’s existence is to find a husband and bear his children. Hard pass!
Let the rest of the Internet try to convince itself that this is a step forward for women. I’ll keep calling it exactly what it is: the same old patriarchal bullshit served in a brand-new plus-size box.
THE FATPOCALYPSE IS UPON US
by Anders Bernard, mondaymorningqb.com
In retrospect, we should have seen it coming.
The first horseman of the fatpocalypse was Ashley Graham on the cover of Sports Illustrated. And we thought, okay—so she’s big. I’d still hit it. Her body’s in proportion, just a Kardashian with padding. We never dreamed it was the beginning of the end.
Then Rihanna got fat. So did Taylor Swift. That chick from This Is Us got nominated for an Emmy—that was the moment we switched from horsemen to actual horses. The message to women was clear: You don’t need to go to the gym, just eat a sandwich instead! It’s easier, and who needs a bikini body when you can buy a bikini in a size 40? Who cares that you’ll be dead by the time you’re sixty when you can carb it up right now?
Now, “plus-size blogger” Bea Schumacher is going to be the next star of Main Squeeze. If you’ve never seen her, picture a barnyard animal that gave up on itself at birth and still thinks it can wear a crop top. And we, the television viewers of America, are supposed to believe that 25 men are going to compete to marry this thing. “Reality” TV? Not even close. There’s not a single man in America drunk enough to bang this woman, let alone propose to her—and unless ABS found a chub-chasing cult from some backwoods swamp, there cert
ainly aren’t 25.
I know what you’re thinking: Men don’t watch this show, so who cares what this bitch looks like? Here’s my point: Telling women they can look like this and still expect guys to drool all over them is a dangerous lie. It’s not good for them, it’s not good for us, and if we’re not careful, the fatpocalypse is going to ruin our lives.
“You have to call Chris Evans! He has the best ass in America, like, canonically,” Marin insisted through a mouthful of sad turkey sandwich in a sad L.A. satellite studio on the ABS lot. Lauren had allowed Bea one last meal with her best friend before she went on complete blackout for filming, for which Bea was eternally grateful—even if the meal itself left something to be desired.
“You’re ridiculous.” Bea laughed. “How would I even get his number?”
“Slide into his DMs, then burrow into his heart. It’s like you’re not even a Millennial.”
“Great plan, but it’ll have to wait until I get my phone back.”
“Ugh,” Marin sighed, and sprawled extravagantly across the folding chair where she was sitting. At barely five feet tall with a wiry frame and chic little pixie cut, Marin hardly cut an intimidating figure, but woe betide anyone who crossed her (or anyone who crossed Bea, for that matter). “I can’t believe you’ve been phoneless for three days already. Do you feel like a pioneer on the Oregon Trail? Do you have typhoid? Have you been eaten by a bear?”
“Very nearly,” Bea deadpanned—but there was an element of truth to the joke. After three straight days of wall-to-wall interviews, she was absolutely exhausted, and she had to wonder how much worse it was going to get once filming actually began.
“So?” Marin clocked the somber note in Bea’s mood. “How are you feeling? Any regrets?”
Bea shook her head. “No, not really. I guess … so much of the last six weeks was focused on getting ready for this publicity blitz, and now that it’s over, it’s like, wow. I haven’t even really given much thought to the actual thing I’m about to do, you know?”
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