“Yeah, but the actual thing is the exciting part! God, Bea, you could be meeting your husband tomorrow night. Isn’t that crazy??”
“Yes, Marin.” Bea shook her head. “It is crazy. And it absolutely isn’t going to happen.”
Marin gave Bea a knowing smile. “You say that now, but I just bet when you meet these men, you’re going to see how silly you’re being. You’re going to remember how badly you want to fall in love.”
“Doubtful.” Bea rolled her eyes. “I know you don’t approve, but trust me—Lauren and I have this all worked out. We have a plan. I’m ready.”
Marin burst out laughing. “Sorry, but you’re going to date twenty-five men on television. How could anyone possibly be ready for what’s about to happen to you?”
EPISODE 1
“SHOWTIME”
(25 men left)
Shot and aired live on location in Malibu, California
TRANSCRIPT OF BOOB TUBE PODCAST EPISODE #049
Cat:
Hey, this is Cat!
Ruby:
And this is Ruby.
Cat:
And this is Boob Tube, the podcast where we take a weekly look at how women are represented on television.
Ruby:
This week, we are so excited to talk with our guest Ane Crabtree, who does the incredible costumes on The Handmaid’s Tale. We’re going to talk with Ane about the female form and how it’s depicted in a society that’s both ultra-conservative and, in its own way, hypersexualized.
Cat:
It’s a great conversation, so stay tuned, but first: I have a confession to make.
Ruby:
It’s a juicy one.
Cat:
You wonderful listeners know my tastes can run a little highbrow and a little lowbrow.
Ruby:
You do love anything that veers toward British royal fanfic.
Cat:
It’s my British kryptonite! Bryptonite?
Ruby:
No.
Cat:
Okay. But you may not know that I am a longtime fan and avid viewer of the reality dating show Main Squeeze.
Ruby:
I believe you’ve actually taken part in several betting pools surrounding this show.
Cat:
If by “taken part” you mean “won,” then yes, I absolutely have.
Ruby:
And yet we’ve never discussed any of this on our podcast!
Cat:
Well, I’m sure it will shock all of you listening to hear this, but the Main Squeeze franchise is not typically a bastion of interesting representation of women on television.
Ruby:
Gasp!
Cat:
I know. But tonight is the premiere of a new season, and this year, Main Squeeze is tackling some of the most thought-provoking questions about body image I think we’ve ever seen on TV. And maybe doing so in a completely unethical way? Because this year, for the first time, a plus-size woman is going to be the star of Main Squeeze.
Ruby:
Whoa. Daring.
Cat:
Right, as if the idea that a woman who isn’t a stick figure deserves a shot at love is somehow controversial. So this woman is named Bea Schumacher, and she’s one of the more popular plus-size style bloggers out there. Even though Bea looks how a lot of American women look, for a viewing audience, it’s really unusual to see someone who looks like her at all, and it’s almost nonexistent to see someone who looks like her portrayed as a romantic lead instead of a sidekick or best friend or mom.
Ruby:
Right, and that’s where the so-called controversy comes in—if Bea were just the main girl’s best friend on this show coming in to give advice or whatever, no one would care at all.
Cat:
Well, people would still be terrible to her on the Internet, because a lot of people find the existence of a fat woman something to get worked up about.
Ruby:
Sure, in the immortal words of Taylor Swift, haters gonna hate—
Cat:
I don’t think she coined that.
Ruby:
Okay, you’re proving my point.
Cat:
Anyway, another question is how gendered the discourse around this season is going to be, because we don’t know yet whether Bea’s suitors will be plus-size too.
Ruby:
Oh, that’s interesting! Do you even call men “plus-size,” is that a thing?
Cat:
Technically, you do, but it’s not a phrase you hear a lot—society doesn’t really feel the need to divide men according to their body size the way we do with women. The point being, there are a LOT of outstanding questions about how this season is going to play out, and I, for one, am really excited to watch, but also kind of dreading what the producers might have planned.
Ruby:
Right, because on the one hand, we have the potential for this very mainstream show to do something really subversive, but on the other hand, we’re talking about a reality show! Do we think they’re actually going to do something feminist and empowering, or do we think they’re going to exploit and humiliate this woman for ratings? Which option sounds more likely?
Cat:
The only way to find out is to watch the live season premiere tonight on ABS, which I’m certainly going to do. Ruby, have I convinced you to give it a shot?
Ruby:
Well, I’m feeling pretty invested now, so I think I am going to watch tonight to see what happens. And speaking of investments, it’s time for us to hear from our sponsor for this episode, LadyVest, which is not a purveyor of ’90s lesbian fashions. No, LadyVest is an online service that helps women learn how to invest their money to secure their financial independence, which the women of The Handmaid’s Tale can tell you is a really smart move. Go to LadyVest.com/boob—that’s slash B-O-O-B—to get a free consultation and learn more about their services. We’ll be back right after this.
——Forwarded Message——
FROM: Beth Malone
TO: Squeeze Main-iacs
SUBJECT: TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!
Hi, everyone! As you know, tonight is the premiere of the new season of Main Squeeze, so for those of you who haven’t created your brackets yet, PLEASE DO SO NOW or you will not be able to participate in the league this year. Colin, you’ve been saying for three years that you want to join the league, but you never fill out your bracket in time, so if you don’t do it this year, I’m going to remove you from this email list, okay?
For those who are new to the group (hi, Jenna!), here’s how it works: First, you create your bracket on MainSqueeze Bracket.com before 8pm ET tonight—just click the league invitation I sent last week to log in, pick a username, and you’re good to go. Then, you’ll have until NEXT Monday at 8pm ET to fill in your picks for the WHOLE SEASON. So watch tonight, get to know the men, and then make your predictions for who gets cut each week and who wins it all! The brackets all LOCK before episode 2 airs, so again, Colin, if you don’t fill in your brackets by next week, you won’t be able to participate all season. I can’t even change that as league commissioner, that’s just the way the website works, okay?
Okay! Hope you’re all as excited as I am for the new season!
xx, Beth
P.S. Did you guys hear Cat talk about our league on her podcast today?? We’re famous!
——Forwarded Message——
FROM: Colin Whitman
TO: Beth Malone
SUBJECT: Re: TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!
Jesus Beth, I made a bracket, are you happy? You’re the one who cares about this idiotic show, not me.
——Forwarded Message——
FROM: Beth Malone
TO: Colin Whitman
SUBJECT: Re: TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!
Yes, Colin, I *am* happy. Thank you!
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——Forwarded Message——
FROM: Ray Moretti
TO: Bea Schumacher
SUBJECT: wow
Hey, so, you’re on the cover of People magazine. And you’re going on TV, to find a husband? Bea, what’s happening?
I know I haven’t responded to your emails. I’m sorry, that’s on me. It’s just, I’ve been trying so hard not to think about you, which is impossible enough on its own, but now with your face staring out at me from all over the internet, and TV, and even the grocery checkout line … I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.
You look incredible, by the way. You should know that. I hope you know that. When I see these assholes talking about you, I want to fucking kill them.
I’m sorry, I know I’m not being articulate here. You’re one of the most important people in my life, Bea. When my mom got sick, you’re the one who got me through it. Every good thing in my life, every bad thing, you’re always the person I want to tell. I love Sarah, I really do. I want to marry her. Or, I don’t know, I thought I did. But seeing your face everywhere … I don’t know. Can we talk, Bea? I really want to talk.
——Forwarded Message——
FROM: Bea Schumacher
TO: Ray Moretti
SUBJECT: AUTOMATIC RESPONSE re: wow
Hi there! This is a weird thing to say, but I’m off filming a television show right now and have no access to my phone, email, or social media (or daylight, probably). If this is business-related, you can reach my agent, Olivia Smythson, at smythson [email protected]. If this is personal (or a hideous death threat!!), I look forward to digging through my inbox and getting back to you once the shoot wraps at the end of April. Have a great day!
“What do you think?”
Bea was standing before an oversized mirror in the wardrobe room, where Alison had placed her in a navy Zac Posen jumpsuit with long sleeves, flowing legs, a ruffled collar, and a plunging neckline, all woven through with sparkling thread that gleamed copper and silver and gold, making Bea shimmer like a galaxy. With her makeup soft and romantic (and caked on thick enough to withstand hot lights and high-def cameras) and her hair in glossy waves, Bea almost felt like the television star she was about to become.
“I think you’re a magician,” she said breathlessly, and Alison beamed.
“Okay!” Lauren clapped her hands as she strode into the room. “Let’s see our Main Squeeze.”
Bea did a little twirl for Lauren, who grinned with approval. “This is perfect!”
Lauren herself looked game-day ready in her uniform of skinny jeans with a white tee, black blazer, and heels, her auburn hair pulled back in a perfect ponytail.
“You good to go?” she asked Bea. “Time to head to set!”
“What happens if I say no?” Bea’s heart started pounding as it sank in that this was really happening. Had she been completely insane to say yes? What if the whole adventure was an unmitigated disaster?
“It’s gonna be a piece of cake,” Lauren assured Bea as she guided her toward the makeshift studio the crew had constructed on the mansion’s front lawn. “I know it’s your first time doing anything like this, but this is my fifth season running this show, and Johnny could host a Main Squeeze premiere in his sleep.”
The host of Main Squeeze, Johnny Ducey, was an erstwhile teen heartthrob (he’d famously mauled hearts in the fantasy Shakespeare crossover Whither the Werewolf?). After several public bouts with addiction and subsequent stints in rehab, he’d settled into his lucrative and unchallenging work on Main Squeeze, where, it was rumored, he’d slept with female contestants more than once. After so many years watching him conduct earnest interviews with assorted reality stars, it was wild for Bea to contemplate that, in a matter of minutes, she’d be the one sitting opposite him.
“Let’s run down the schedule one more time,” Lauren continued. “Act 1 is the video package introducing you to America, then your interview with Johnny—that’s eight minutes total. Then we cut to commercial—”
“And then we intro the first five men,” Bea broke in, reciting the call sheet she’d memorized by rote. “Another break, another five men, another break, and so on until I’ve met all twenty-five of them. Then they all put on noise-canceling headphones while I give my impressions of them, then I put on noise-canceling headphones while they give their impressions of me.”
Bea paused here as she tried to stave off a wave of nausea—why exactly had she agreed to let a bunch of strange men judge her on live television?
“You’re sure these men are what I asked for?” she asked Lauren. “Diverse, smart, open-minded?”
“Bea, absolutely.” Lauren gave Bea’s arm a squeeze. “There are a couple of villains in the mix—we’re still making a television show—but I don’t want you to worry. You’re going to love spending time with these guys.”
“But what if they don’t love spending time with me?” Bea hated herself for letting her insecurities creep in like this, but the closer they got to air, the more she could feel her anxiety taking hold. “What if they hate me, and the audience does too?”
“I promise, that’s not going to happen,” Lauren reassured her. “I have a plan for tonight specifically to guarantee that everyone in America will be rooting for you.”
“Plan?” Bea was skeptical. “What kind of plan? Why don’t I know about it?”
“Because I need your reactions on camera to be genuine!” Lauren grinned. “So don’t worry, okay? I’ve got your back, Bea. We all do.”
“If you say so,” Bea grumbled, but she still found it difficult to believe that everything was really going to work out as perfectly as Lauren insisted.
They’d arrived in the mansion’s entryway: Just outside the front door, the lawn had been transformed into a makeshift studio, complete with a stage, a barrage of light and camera setups, and a live audience of a hundred Main Squeeze superfans, all of whom had won an Instagram contest for the privilege of being there, and whose feverish chatter Bea could hear through the door over the whir of the enormous generators powering the whole operation.
“Hey, Bea.” Mack, a bushy-bearded sound guy in his fifties, arrived to mic Bea up. “You ready?”
Bea nodded, feeling less and less sure that she actually was.
“Where are the men now?” she asked Lauren as Mack placed a microphone pack in a specially molded pocket Alison had affixed to the back of Bea’s jumpsuit.
“In a trailer outside.” Lauren paused, hearing something come through on her headset. “Okay, Bea, we’re five out from air—I’ve got to get to the control room. How do you feel? Are you good?”
Bea opened her mouth to say something—anything—but she couldn’t find the words. Lauren laughed.
“Yeah, I know, it’s a lot. You’re going to kick ass, okay? Just go out there and be brazen and bold and unapologetically yourself. Failing that, just smile and say you’re ready for love.”
Bea forced herself to nod, and then Lauren was gone.
“Bea, can you say something for me? I need to test your level.”
“What should I say?” she asked Mack. He smiled kindly.
“Tell me what you’re most excited about for tonight.”
Bea knew what she was supposed to say: that she was excited to potentially meet her future husband. But she didn’t believe that, and she didn’t really want to lie about it—not when there weren’t any cameras to pretend for.
“I’m excited for all the little girls who are going to watch this and think, She looks like me.”
Mack gave Bea a warm smile, and in the next instant, a producer was tugging on Bea’s sleeve, leading her out the front door, down the wide stone steps, and into the living rooms of several million Americans.
TWITTER THREAD FROM USER @REALI-TEA
@Reali-Tea Okay shippers & sippers, time for the season premiere of Main Squeeze! Let’s see if a lady of largesse can find love on ou
r teevees. Ready?!
@Reali-Tea … but first, one million corporate sponsors. Bea uses Lucky Lippies Lipstick in her everyday life? WHAT A COINCIDENCE, they’re also advertisers on ABS!
@Reali-Tea Ok ok ok, Bea’s doing her live interview with Johnny, she’s excited to meet her men, FRANKLY SAME. WHERE ARE THEY?
@Reali-Tea Ah, well. Time for a commercial break. Hiya, Lucky Lippies!
@Reali-Tea HERE WE GO, the first guy is about to walk onstage! Bea looks nervous but maybe a little amped? Go get ’em, sister. We’re with you.
@Reali-Tea Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
@Reali-Tea I don’t know if I can actually watch this.
It only took a few seconds for Bea to get used to the lights. In a way, they were helpful; she couldn’t see the audience or the crew, only what was happening onstage a few feet in front of her. For her first several minutes on camera, that was restricted to Johnny Ducey’s crookedly attractive face, made somehow stranger and blurrier by a combination of Botox and the uppers Bea was quite sure he hadn’t kicked, as if he were now a wax model of the movie star he used to be.
Johnny asked Bea all the softball questions Lauren had prepped her for, and Bea delivered all her scripted answers, eliciting the appropriate laughter, empathy, and applause from the studio audience. By the time they broke for the first commercial, Bea was feeling much calmer. This wasn’t a massive first date on live TV where it actually mattered what the men across the table thought of her—it was the highly scripted opening act of a story with a preordained ending. This was just the requisite meet-cute that would lead to romantic dates and declarations of love and, eventually, a picture-perfect engagement. Lauren had a plan—all Bea had to do was follow it.
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