Magnus

by Tina Martin

  A knock at the door takes me out of my thoughts. I get up from the couch, take a quick peep through the peephole to see my sister standing there. Shaking. I immediately open the door.

  “Selah, are you okay?” I ask her. She’s steadily shaking, looking at me but not saying a word. “Selah?”

  She has dark circles around her eyes. The tip of her nose is red. I don’t know if she’s strung out, sick – I don’t know what’s going on.

  “I—I need help,” she finally says through trembling lips when I move her to the couch.

  “What’d you do? What did you take? What are you on, Selah?”

  “I haven’t—I haven’t had anything in days. I need help, Shiloh. I need help.”

  Now, I know what the problem is – she’s detoxing. I grab my coat and some shoes, help her into the car and we drive to the hospital – the same one where papa died. I don’t want to go there, but it’s the closest so that’s where we end up.

  I tell the doctors about my sister’s drug addiction and they whisk her back. I’m sitting in the waiting area, a ball of nerves, worried about Selah. From the time I left the house until now, I’ve received a flurry of phone calls. I heard the ringing of my phone but I was too focused on my sister to answer.

  She’s been back for a while now. The doctor has told me about hooking her up to IVs to flush out her system – says she’s going to be okay. I feel a slight bit of relief so I take a minute to check for messages. There’s a call from the college counselor. One from Rico asking if I can work tonight. And then there’s a call from Magnus. He didn’t leave a message. He just called. Ten minutes ago.

  I don’t consider calling him back and it’s not out of spite. It’s bad timing. My sister needs me right now. I don’t have the time or the energy to talk about what went wrong between us.

  I inform Rico I can’t work due to a family emergency. He’s understanding. Says he hopes everything is alright and that whenever I get ready, I can come back to work. Says he needs me back full-time since one of the other waitresses quit on him. I confirm my interest. I don’t have any other job and if I decide to start college, it will be in the fall.

  The doctor calls me back and gives me another brief update on Selah. He tells me since she’s going through the withdrawal process, he recommends she stay the night but should consider a private inpatient detox clinic for a more long-term, stable solution if she wants to kick her drug habit.

  “Has she tried to detox before?” he asks me.

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Then, if she’s making an effort, let’s take it seriously. I can refer you to some clinics where they can get her some therapy and connect her to some support groups. Of course, this is something she’d have to approve since she is an adult, but if you want me to get the ball rolling, I can do that.”

  I nod. “Please. I want all the help I can get for her.”

  “Good. You’ll be able to go back in a bit.”

  “Thanks, doctor.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  And now I sit. And wait.

  While I’m here alone, I think about how alone I really am now. I have no parents. The sister who actually talks to me is a drug addict. There’s no one here to console me and tell me everything will be okay – probably why my mind drifts to Magnus. If we didn’t have a falling out, I’m sure he’d be here right now. And then I think about papa. I recall all the times he asked for Selah. All the times he longed to see her.

  I feel sadness, but I smile because, in my mind, I can hear his voice saying, “You doin’ a good job, girl. Yo’ mama would be proud of you for taking care of yo’ sister.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Shiloh

  In the morning, Selah’s doing a little better. It’s still dark around her eyes but she doesn’t have the shakes and she can actually talk to me now. I go over the doctor’s recommendations and encourage her to sign up for the inpatient detox, the therapy, support groups – all that.

  She agrees.

  Since she’ll be discharged from the hospital today and going straight to the clinic right after, I run back home to get some of my clothes for her. My heart nearly stops beating when I see Magnus’ Bentley in the driveway at papa’s house. It’s seven o’clock in the morning and his car is here. And it’s all dewy like it’s been here for a while. What is he doing on this side of town on a Saturday morning? Saturday mornings have long been established as his running time. Now, he’s here. At my papa’s house. At my house.

  I park the car and get out. He emerges at the same time.

  “Hi,” he says.

  I keep on walking with one goal in mind – getting Selah some clothes and getting back to the hospital so I can take her to the clinic.

  “Shiloh, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Not right now. I’m busy,” I say unlocking the door.

  “Where have you been all night?” he asks, following me inside.

  I continue to my bedroom, find some clothes for Selah – a pair of jeans, sweatpants and two shirts. I grab some socks. An extra jacket. I throw them in one of papa’s old gym bags.

  “Shiloh—”

  “What!” I snap, looking at him for the first time. I feel myself getting weak at the sight of his face – that handsome face I miss – so I turn away to stay the course. This man told me I was temporary. He doesn’t get to waltz back into my life so easily.

  I’m much calmer when I ask, “What do you want, Magnus?”

  “I want to know where you were last night.”

  “Why? What right do you have coming to my house demanding to know where I’ve been? I’m nothing to you, remember? I’m temporary. Isn’t that how you described me? Temporary?”

  “Yes—”

  “Then, what can I do for you?” I ask, interrupting him intentionally.

  He keeps his distance, standing by the door while I’m packing the bag. “I want to know where you were last night.”

  I look at him. He has on khakis today. The scent of him – his cologne, his skin – those pheromones have filled my room and taken me back to happier times between us. He’s not saying anything now. He breaks his gaze with me to look around my bedroom. His eyes land on the opened pregnancy test box on my dresser.

  “You don’t get to know my whereabouts anymore. You dismissed me from your life, Magnus. No matter how much I care for you, you always find ways to remind me of how insignificant I am. I get it now. Took me a while. I’m not experienced enough in relationships to see it for what it really is but you taught me a lot. If a man tells you you’re nothing, then you should believe him.”

  “I didn’t say you were nothing.”

  “You may as well had.”

  I finally get the backpack zipped up. I grab it, brush past him. The love I feel for him tells me to stop. The anger tells me to go and not give him any explanation. Love and anger – the two emotions are closely related in the amount of feeling they each can evoke in a person. In my heart, one outweighs the other, so I say, “My sister decided to go to rehab. The clothes are for her.”

  After telling him that, I go. I don’t care that he’s still inside while I’m backing the car out of the driveway. I probably won’t be back tonight either.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Magnus

  A few days go by and I hear nothing from Shiloh. I’ve left voicemails. I’ve sent her text messages. Every time I go by the house, she’s never there. I assume it’s by design. If she’s not home, I can’t bother her. So, where’s she been staying?

  In the past, she’s worked at the bistro on Wednesdays consistently. That’s my only lifeline today – that she’s there. I’ll be making a surprise visit.

  “Good morning, Magnus,” Lucille says.

  I was so lost in my thoughts, standing in the kitchen making plans to get my girl back, I didn’t hear the door open. I’m at the island, sipping tea from the cup Shiloh typically uses.

  “Not going to the office today, I tak
e it,” she says.

  I’m not dressed in a suit this morning. I stood in the closet staring at a vast array of suits and had thought about going to work, but I changed my mind. I had more pressing business to take care of.

  “No,” I finally answer, dispelling her curiosity. “Lucille, have you talked to Shiloh at all this week?”

  “No. I haven’t.”

  “Is that unusual?”

  “Well, we don’t talk a lot on the phone, so no. We talk more in person.”

  “But you haven’t talked to her at all in the last week?”

  “No, Sir.”

  “What do you usually talk about in person?”

  “Stuff. You know…women stuff. Her sister. Her father. You.”

  I take a sip of tea.

  Lucille says, “I can’t help but notice she hasn’t been around this week. Did something happen?”

  “Yeah. Something happened. We got into an argument.”

  “About what?”

  “I—ah—have you ever seen her in my office snooping around, more specifically, looking at my personal journals?”

  “Uh…”

  “There’s no need to hold anything back now, Lucille. I already know.”

  “You know what?”

  “That Shiloh’s been going through my things. It’s what the argument was about. She asked me about something personal she shouldn’t have known anything about. Things I wasn’t ready to discuss with her or anyone else and she brought it to me, out of the blue.”

  “About suicide?”

  “She told you, too?”

  Lucille’s face goes pale. “No. I’m the one who told her. I wasn’t snooping, Magnus—okay, well I kinda was. I saw the notebook, flipped it open and when I realized you’d written those words, my heart literally fell to my feet. I didn’t want you to do anything to hurt yourself. So, I told Shiloh about it. She didn’t believe me, at first. She said you had everything to live for and would never do anything like that, so one day while you were at work, I showed her the notebook and begged her to talk to you about it. She didn’t want to do it, so if she did and that’s what your argument was about, it’s all my fault.”

  “Why didn’t you come to me about it, Lucille? Why did you have to involve Shiloh?”

  “I thought you’d fire me if you knew what I’d done. I figured if I told Shiloh and she brought it to you, you’d be more receptive to her because you like her. I guess I was wrong.”

  “You’re not wrong in that respect. I do like her. You’re wrong for going through my things.”

  “I realize that, Sir, but I had your best interest at heart.”

  “Then you should’ve come to me.”

  “Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have fired me if I came to you? Look at what happened between you and Shiloh when she brought it up. How long has it been since you’ve spoken to her?”

  I rub my eyes. I’m so irritated right now, I can’t focus.

  “Have you tried calling her?”

  “I have. I went by her place and she didn’t have much to say and for good reason. I said some things to her that I—that I can’t take back Lucille. I told her she was only temporary in my life. Told her this wasn’t her home and—” I hang my head, recognizing how much I need her here. “I told her this wasn’t her home. The irony in that is, this hasn’t felt like a home in a long time and when Shiloh was here, it did. I miss her.”

  “So, go get her.”

  I smirk. “You say that like it’s easy. It’s never easy when you piss off a woman.”

  “It is when you realize you have to do what you have to do to get the woman you love back. You do love her, don’t you? Otherwise, there’s no need for you to make any attempts to get her back.”

  “You’re right.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  I stand up, place the cup in the sink. “Lucille.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Don’t go through my stuff again. Do I need to start locking my office?”

  “No, Sir. I won’t be doing anymore snooping, but I also have a request for you, Magnus.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Don’t do anything stupid. If you need to talk to someone, talk. Suicide should never be an option—doesn’t matter what the circumstance is.”

  “I’ve learned that, Lucille.”

  “Have you?”

  “Yes. Through all the years of pain, I’ve learned to cope. In my mind, I thought suicide would be the easiest way to get rid of the pain, but it’s not. Coping is. Giving back is. I want to think that’s why Nicoletta wanted me to give. She wanted something besides her to give me happiness.”

  “There’s more happiness in giving, right?”

  “And there’s also happiness in realizing I’ll be okay without Nicoletta here. That I can move on.”

  Lucille smiles. “You can. So move on out of here and go get Shiloh back.”

  “I plan to.”

  * * *

  As confident as I like to believe I am, there’s something intimidating about being the guilty party and hoping the person you’ve wronged comes around to accept your apology. Shiloh isn’t so easily swayed that way. So I don’t show up at the bistro with flowers, candy or anything else to garner her attention.

  It’s just me and my heart.

  I’m all she wanted from the start.

  Now, it’s me fighting to get her back.

  I’m standing next to the Porsche waiting for her. Her shift was over ten minutes ago. I glance at my watch. It’s a different Rolex from the one Nicoletta gave me. I see the ring on my hand. It’s a band that matches the new ring I bought for Shiloh. I haven’t forgotten Nicoletta. Never will. I’m just seeing what’s in front of me. I’m giving myself permission to be happy. Turning grief into love.

  I see Shiloh come out the front. Finally. Rico is kind enough to walk her to her car. I imagine he does that with all of his female waitstaff. You can never be too safe. Can never let your guard down. That’s what Shiloh did with me. Let all of her guards down and gave me her heart – only I wasn’t ready for it.

  She’s chatting it up with Rico before she looks up and sees me. Her facial expression pauses. She almost looks like she wants to go back inside the restaurant but she keeps on walking toward her car. Toward me.

  Rico sees me now. When they’re closer, he says, “Magnus, I haven’t seen you around in a while.”

  We slap hands. I say, “Yeah, I’ve been working on a new project.”

  “Ay, say no more,” he says. “I know how that can be.” He glances at Shiloh then back at me and says, “Have a good night, you two.”

  “Thanks, man,” I say.

  Rico walks back to the restaurant.

  Shiloh doesn’t say anything. We’re having a stare off. She looks like she could kill me yet, she’s still beautiful as she always was. She has pink gloss on her lips – lips I miss kissing. There are gold earrings dangling from her ears – lobes I miss sucking. I miss my girl. Now I need to convince her of that.

  “Hi, Shiloh.”

  “I’m tired and I’m ready to go home,” she says.

  “I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

  “We talked a few days ago.”

  “And you barely said a word.”

  “And I don’t have much to say to you today, either. I—” She crosses her arms. “I’m tired, Magnus and—”

  “I owe you an apology.”

  She frowns. “For what? For speaking the truth?”

  “Let’s get in the car,” I suggest. “It’s pretty cold out here.”

  “Just say whatever it is you have to say so I can move on with my life and hopefully you can move on with yours.”

  “Shiloh—”

  “You told me I was temporary. I never knew how a broken heart felt until you said those words to me. You broke my heart, so why are you here now? You can’t unbreak my heart. It’s already broken. You can’t unspeak what’s already been spoken, so what do yo
u want from me?”

  “I came here to apologize to you. I was speaking from a place of anger.”

  She nods. “Correct. Anger. You were angry because I was trying to help you. Because I asked you a question about your own well-being and that threw you into a rage. Do you know how small you made me feel?”

  “Shiloh, I—”

  “You made me feel like I’m worthless in your eyes. Like all the other women you’ve dealt with after Nicoletta. And speaking of Nicoletta, I wasn’t trying to be her. I was never trying to take her place. I don’t even know why you would say that to me.”

  “Because that’s what I saw happening before my eyes, Shiloh. I saw you taking her place in my life. In my house. In my heart. That scared me. I wasn’t prepared to like you as much as I did. But I—”

  I pause. The look on her face confirms my words are not getting through. So I take a different approach, decide to tell her a series of truths right here in the cold.

  “I wanted to die. I’ve always thought it should’ve been me, not them, so I wanted to die. What you saw in my journals, or should I say, what Lucille showed you, was my plan. It was how I felt. I wanted to have a baby which would leave a part of me on this earth and then I was seriously considering taking my own life. I thought—I thought I would be okay with it then—with everything.”

  A tear slides from her eye that nearly makes me lose my thoughts, but I know I need to finish explaining this to her. She deserves to know the truth.

  “There were two other women before you, Shiloh. Neither of them got pregnant because I made no attempts to have a baby with them. Neither of them stepped a foot inside my house. Neither asked for marriage before my proposition. You, on the other hand, have lived inside my house for a month. You asked for marriage, and it is my belief that you’re—” My voice breaks. “That you’re carrying my child. If I’d had a child before you, who knows—I probably would’ve done it. I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you right now, pouring my soul out to you, explaining myself and trying to make things right between us because I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve fulfilled what I had convinced myself I needed to do to be happy again. But you, Shiloh, you made me realize I could be happy again, and I didn’t have to kill myself to do it.”