by Desi Lin
I hadn’t learned yet how awful that phrase was, but I was about to.
I hurried downstairs, hair flying out behind me as I ran. I snitched up three of the fancy-looking cookies on my way to plop onto the couch. The buttery, sugary goodness of the cookies only seemed to whet my appetite, and I grabbed three more as Maybelle began talking.
“I’ve been given some… news.” Maybelle hesitated, then patted my knee. “Tara and Mark, they, well, they’re going to have a baby.”
I bounced excitedly at the news. A baby! I would have a little brother or sister, not real of course, but as close as I’d get. The heavy sigh Maybelle released stopped my bouncing.
“I know it sounds like great news, and it is. For a very long time, they believed they’d never be able to have children. They were told so many times. It was why they were willing to take you.”
The serious expression on her face made me want to bite my lip again. Instead, I picked at my nails, needing to do something.
“Tara is going to have a hard time for the next several months, and having an active, energetic five-year-old around won’t be a good idea.”
I froze, something inside me going cold. Maybelle picked me up and settled me in her lap, arms going around me to pull me close. I stiffened, unwilling to be comforted, waiting for rest.
“It means she won’t be able to take care of you anymore.” Though quiet, the words fell like bricks on my ears.
“No,” I whispered the words, my hands going to my ears, knowing what the next words would be. “No, no, no, no, no.” My eyes burned as my voice rose.
“We’re going to pack up your things. Clothes and a few of your favorite toys, and, for now, I’m going to take you to the school you’re starting in a couple of days.” Her soft voice, meant to be reassuring, only made me colder.
My eyes overflowed, and the tears ran down my cheeks. Maybelle tried to cuddle me close, but I remained stiff and unyielding. Quick, short breaths heaved my chest, and the cookies, so delicious a short time ago, churned in my stomach.
Why? Why was I being forced to leave? Didn’t they love me anymore? What did I do wrong? I shook.
“No!” I screamed, tears and snot pouring down my face. “I didn’t do anything bad! I’ll be better! I promise!” My tiny fists beat at Maybelle’s chest.
Warm hands stroked my hair, incoherent murmurs working their way inside me. I refused to let it calm me down. My world crumbled around me, and nothing would make it better. Maybelle picked me up as she stood, securing an arm under my butt. I buried my head in her shoulder.
“Here are her things.” Tara’s gentle voice made me lift my head. She stood at the door, a beat-up, blue suitcase at her feet and Mr. Snuggles, my favorite, floppy-eared bunny in her hand. She held out Mr. Snuggles with a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
I snatched Mr. Snuggles and cuddled him close, the familiar scent pouring into my nostrils. My oldest possession, he’d been with me as long as I could remember. Tara told me she’d bought it the day Maybelle asked about my coming to live with them. I’d always seen it as a symbol of her love. Something soured inside me, and anger burned away my tears.
“You said you loved me!” I screamed. “You lied! I hate you!” I threw Mr. Snuggles at Tara. He bounced off her chest and fell at her feet. Maybelle leaned down, one hand keeping me secured, the other grabbing the suitcase. Tara sighed and bent to pick up Mr. Snuggles. She held the bunny out to me, but I didn’t take it.
“I don’t want it!” I screamed at her. “I don’t want it! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
Tara shifted and handed the bunny to Maybelle. “She’ll want it when she quits being angry.”
I wouldn’t want it. I hated it. I hated everything to do with them. My tears dried on my face as I glared at Tara. “I hate you.” I hissed at her as the door creaked open.
“I know, honey.” She smiled sadly and turned away as we walked to the car.
The front door closed, and the last of my hope died.
“What the fuck do you mean, she’s my sister?”
The harsh shout yanked me out of the resurfaced memory.
I started, reflexively squeezing the hand gripping mine. Disoriented and disturbed by what I’d remembered, I sucked in a fast breath. My eyes darted around the room to figure out what happened while lost in my own head. The guy who burst in, stood nearly nose-to-nose with Michael, brows drawn together, arms folded over his chest, mouth turned down in a cross between a frown and a sneer.
“Ashton Michael Phoenix!” Michael didn’t yell, he didn’t need to. If he’d been addressing me in the stern, I’ll-take-no-shit voice he used, I’d shut up and listen. “You will calm down, and we will talk about this.”
“No fucking way! You don’t get to drop this on me and expect me to be calm!” Ashton bellowed at Michael. He spun and thrust a finger at me. “Look at her! She can’t be more than a couple years younger than me!”
His anger shook me to the core, and I scrunched tight into Souta, his arms wrapping around me and squeezing. When Ashton stalked toward me, JJ stood from his seat next to us, and Brooks came around the couch to block me from the irate guy.
Their protectiveness helped ease my fear and caused me to feel a little silly. What was I doing? This wasn’t like me; I didn’t do shrinking violet. Although, I never had to worry about familial relationships before, part of me wanted to snarl at him, but a voice inside kept whispering, worrying about Michael’s reaction if I did.
Until the moment I learned my father might still be living, I’d always believed I didn’t need family. In my search for him, my emotions kept changing, bouncing back and forth like a yoyo between excitement and fear. It took standing on his doorstep, staring at the entrance for me to realize how much I wanted—needed—him to accept me. I needed to have a relationship with this man and, now, with my brother. The problem? I didn’t know the first thing about being a family.
“Just how old are you anyway?” Ashton spat the words at me, eyes hard and cold, body taut, mouth set in a thin line.
“None of your business,” JJ shot right back at him. “Try not being a total asshole, and maybe she’ll tell you.”
I placed a hand at JJ’s back to get his attention.
He glanced back at me, nodded, then slid to the side.
“I turned eighteen a couple weeks ago, and I’d appreciate it if you’d lower your voice, please.” Calm, firm, and to the point seemed best for the situation, but Ashton ignored me as he spun back to Michael.
“Three years.” His voice shook, but not from tears or sadness. His fists clenched at his side. “Three years, Dad?” His volume rose as he spoke. “Three fucking years, Dad!”
My eyes widened at the pure rage emanating from him, the air so heavy I almost choked on it. It seemed like there was more here than I understood. Ashton’s reaction to me was too extreme.
Michael leaned over to Kelly, whispering in her ear. She nodded, picked up the tray of cookies, and left the room. I felt like we should leave quietly, too. I began to unfurl, but Michael caught my eye. “Stay, please.” I sank back down, still uncertain we should be there.
“Was Mom even cold, yet? Did you bury her first? Or were you busy screwing some whore instead?” Ashton’s loud accusation echoed in the room.
By the way Michael’s face instantly shuttered, Ash had gone too far. “I loved your mother more than my own life.” Michael’s calm and quiet statement scared me more than anything else. “I think it’s time for you go home, Ashton.”
The two of them stared at each other, a clash of wills taking place before our eyes.
After a moment, Ashton spun and stormed toward the door. He stopped at the couch, gaze fixed firmly ahead but his words meant for me. “You are not my sister,” he said flatly. “I will never accept that.”
As I watched him stride to the door, slamming it behind him, something inside me cracked. From the immediate reaction of the guys, I must have telegraphed my feeling
s. They each rubbed some section of me gently. I swatted at their hands gently, the feel of them too much to handle at that moment, then unfurled myself from Souta’s lap. Standing, I crossed my arms over my stomach, unsure of how to respond to the situation.
Michael rubbed his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry you had to witnessed that, Seraphina,” Michael said as he came toward me. “Ash tends to explode first and ask questions later. He’ll come around.”
I nodded, not sure what else to do. Michael’s smile seemed sad. I impulsively wanted to hug him, but I held back.
“I’d like you to have my number, and I’m going to give you Ash’s as well. You may find yourself needing it.”
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I handed it to him, and he plugged in the numbers. When he finished, he held it out to me. After grabbing it and sliding it into my pocket, I took a step back, nearly tripping over Brooks as his arm wrapped around my waist. “We should take Sera home.”
“It was nice to meet you,” I whispered. I hated my timid reaction, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from doing it. We turned and headed to the door, JJ and Souta following us.
“Seraphina,” Michael called out to us as Brooks opened the door. I glanced back at him. “Please don’t let my son’s actions make you think ill of us. I’d like to get to know you, to be a father to you.”
Emotion swelled in my throat, making speaking impossible. Instead, I nodded again.
As we said our goodbyes and Brooks ushered me out the door, it occurred to me I never asked Michael to call me Sera. No one had called me Seraphina since I’d left Tara and Mark. I’d never wanted to hear my full name again. But for some reason, hearing it from Michael felt right.
Two
As the car glided over the road, I leaned into JJ, needing his strength. Meeting Michael, remembering Mark and Tara, and rejection by my brother was an emotional roller coaster all tangled up, forming a knot in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know how to feel about any of it, and nothing felt real anymore.
Was this my life? Was that scared girl back there me? Why didn’t I yell back or stand up for myself when Ash came at me like that? I wanted to go back and tell Michael I was better than that, I wasn’t some frail little girl who’d be hurt by words said in anger and likely not meant.
JJ’s arm snaked around me, pulling me close as he dropped a kiss on my forehead. With a sigh, I let my mind wander, hoping to distract myself from my internal mess of emotions.
I shifted in the seat, a twinge of pain darting through me, sending my thoughts to my former tormentor, Aguirre. Once I settled in at Souta’s, my mind obsessed over trying to rationalize why she’d treated me the way she did.
Those answers came, eventually.
May was waiting for us when we arrived home from school, about a week after everything went down. She stood on the front porch, looking as elegant as ever. Her snow-white hair brushed away from her nearly unlined face and curled around her ears. A simple, black camisole and pants paired with a sheer orange and yellow, knee-length jacket with chunky gold jewelry highlighted her dark skin. Her eyes lacked their usual sparkle, though. My insides cramped at the blank expression on her face. I had never seen May without a smile.
“Hello, my dear,” she greeted us as I stepped out of the car, hands with a death grip on the straps of my bag. Souta stepped up beside me, a hand pressing against the small of my back. “I have some news, regarding the recent events.”
She meant Aguirre.
I hitched my backpack unnecessarily, a twinge of pain running up my sides from my still painful ribs. Souta noticed and wrapped a hand around the bag I’d stubbornly insisted I could handle just fine. I didn’t resist as he slid it from my shoulder, then kissed my cheek. The boys did things like that more and more lately, little bits of affection I still wasn’t entirely used to.
“I’ll be inside if you need me.” Souta’s words whispered over my ear before he strode into the house.
I turned to May, uncertain if I even wanted to know what she came to tell me. Could anything explain away what that woman did? Could anything make it easier to move past? It didn’t matter. I needed answers. They wouldn’t take back what happened. They wouldn’t help me move on. However, I needed to know. What would make someone behave that way?
“Let’s walk, dear.” May held a handout for me with a smile, then immediately pulled it back.
I didn’t do a lot of casual touching, but the boys were getting me used to it. Shoving aside my discomfort, I reached over and took her hand. I felt like a little kid, but she only wanted to provide comfort.
She led us toward a red brick path, lined on either side with sweet-smelling, red cedar mulch. It wound its way around to the side of the house to a flower garden. Neither of us spoke, simply walked along the path. A riot of colors spread out on either side of the path. Pinks and purples bordered by white, oranges and reds exploding from a sea of deep green. Each bed separated by simple, cedar wood pieces stacked two high, a work of art contributing to the beauty of the whole garden. A cool breeze made the taller flowers dance and brought the scent of recent rain wafting toward us.
We found a white iron bench sitting under a wooden arch with vibrant bluish-purple morning glories climbing the sides and settled down.
“I know nothing I’m about to tell you will make any difference for you, but I hope it gives you closure.” May stared off into the distance. “It’s taken time, and honestly, I still have trouble wrapping my head around it, but we finally have something resembling answers.”
She shook her head and sighed as she turned toward me. “Apparently, there’s history between your mother and Aguirre. We found a lot of convoluted memories and half stories, but suffice it to say, bad blood existed between them. From the things she’s said and what we know, our current hypothesis is that when she heard who you were, she became determined to get revenge on your mother by making things as difficult as possible for you. Combined with her mental condition and the recent rapid deterioration…”
Her voice trailed off as she shook her head, the implication that I’d been the perfect target hovering between us.
“Her mental—”
May held up a hand to stop my question. “I don’t know. Even for us, that information is privileged, with no exceptions for the Councilum. She’s been seeing someone for a while now, we knew that much, but we don’t know why she appears to be worsening so quickly. Since her attack on you and the evaluation of her mental state, she’s been admitted to a local institution.”
I had been right. Knowing didn’t help anything. Her reasons for treating me the way she had were crap and bullshit. May didn’t have to come here and tell me. I wasn’t about to hurt her feelings for doing so. “Thanks for telling me.”
May opened her arms for a hug, which I gave her, though I kept it short and swift. “I’m sorry to do this, sweetie, but I have to run. I need to stop by and see Tarin before I’m due to fly out again.”
I only nodded. Being a Sage kept her busy.
“Call me if you need me, or just to say hello.” She stood and took off back down the path, leaving me to ponder the absurdity of the situation.
“What’s eating you, beautiful?” Brooks’ deep, gentle rumble pulled me from my reverie. He reached between the front seats to stroke a finger down the side of my face.
I tried to smile, but heavy mental exhaustion settled over me, and I only managed to twitch the side of mouth up a couple millimeters.
“Nothing, I’m okay,” I lied, my voice breathy and listless even to my own ears.
From the frown pulling down his full lips and the narrowing of his blue eyes, it was clear he wasn’t accepting my words. He always seemed so in tune with my emotions and feelings. I kept forgetting that.
“Don’t make her talk if she’s not feeling it,” JJ snapped, arm tightening around me.
I nudged him when the squeeze became just a touch too tight. His golden gaze darted down to me, and I tried to smile.
/> “It’s okay.” I sighed and buried my face in his chest, the short, neon-red strands of my hair falling to obscure my face.
“None of this is okay, hot stuff,” Souta ground out between clenched teeth.
When I glanced at him in the driver’s seat, his knuckles were nearly white from the strength of his grip on the steering wheel, and his usually well-groomed brown-black hair fell limply around his face.
I rolled my eyes slowly as I pushed away from JJ and shoved my hair out of my face. “Stop, you two.” Reaching out, I took hold of Brooks’ hand when he rested it against my cheek. “I’m just… I don’t know… mentally wiped?”
Brooks laced our fingers together.
“I expected to meet my father today. I braced myself for that particular roller coaster. Instead of only my father, I got a possible stepmother and a brother thrust on me, one who wants… wants…” I choked on an unexpected sob.
Why did my throat suddenly tighten up? I tried to shake it off, along with the melancholy surrounding me.
“A brother who wants nothing to do with me,” I finished in a rush. My chest tightened as my eyes burned. Closing them, I took a deep breath. “It’s a lot to take in.”
A hand stroked my hair, drawing my attention away from Brooks. JJ stared out the window at the city rushing by, one hand now resting against my neck, but he was obviously paying attention to what Brooks and I said.
I turned back to Brooks. “My mind just wants to shut down, I think.”
The car slowed as Souta pulled into the drive leading to his house.
I took a deep breath, trying to hold back the exhausted sobs wanting to leak out. I hated them, wanted desperately to understand why they even existed, why my stomach still churned, my eyes still burned. Not going to happen right now, though.
Souta parked the car near the triple garage, then hopped out and opened my door.
The idea of walking all the way to my room exhausted me. I took in each of the guys standing around the curved driveway. Brooks with his blond curls tucked behind his ears, piercing blue eyes carried a laid-back attitude and style. Souta had flare with mouth quirked up in a flirty smile, dark eyes sparkling with mischievousness, brown-black hair now set back in place, a simple but perfectly coordinated outfit showing off his compact Asian build. JJ, my beautiful artist, shines through his gold eyes shimmering in the sun, black hair brushing the black leather jacket he wore over a white shirt with bright green and yellow splashes of color.