by Desi Lin
They would do anything for me. So, I did something I never thought I would, thrusting out my bottom lip and whining.
They all chuckled.
“Come on, hot stuff.” Souta shook his head. “If you get out of the car, I’ll carry you upstairs, and Brooks will make you a malted milk.”
A couple days after I officially moved in, I’d been craving a glass of chocolate milk in the middle of the night. Despite searching the fridge and every one of the many shelves in the extremely large pantry, I’d failed to find chocolate syrup. What I found instead was a container labeled chocolate malted milk. I’d never seen it before, but it said chocolate and looked like the powder I used on occasion.
As I returned to the kitchen to make a glass, Souta entered at the same time, caught sight of the container, and told me it tasted best blended. He made us both big glasses.
From the first sip, I was addicted. It tasted like chocolate milk, only better.
My whine turned to a purr as I climbed out of the car.
Souta laughed harder before he scooped me up, settling me against his strong chest.
JJ followed us into the house and upstairs while Brooks made for the kitchen.
I buried my head against Souta’s shoulder, eyes heavy. They drifted close before snapping open again when the door to my room creaked open. My eyes grew heavy again as Souta laid me on the bed.
After a few minutes, the shuffle of steps forced my lids open just the tiniest bit to see Brooks placing a glass on the nightstand.
I rolled to my side and propped myself up, thankful he put a straw in the glass. The malted chocolate deliciousness didn’t last long.
When I drank every last drop, I curled into the velvety softness of the covers, I barely noticed the guys’ presence as I let darkness and oblivion take over.
Three
The next week passed in a surreal fog. I moved through the day-to-day motions, going to class, eating, and washing on autopilot. I was still getting used to the room Souta’s parents let me stay in; everything felt slightly off balance. Even though they’d told me I could change things to fit my tastes and to tell Shiro what I wanted, it felt wrong to change anything.
As a guest, it seemed prudent to remain as unobtrusive as possible.
My whole brain wanted to occupy itself by trying to analyze every detail of what happened at Michael’s, every nuance of feeling, but the guys and I still needed to talk about what happened with the Iunctura on my birthday.
We’d only known each other a few weeks, not nearly enough time to develop any kind of friendship, let alone create the foundations for a lasting romantic involvement. And suddenly, these three men wanted a relationship with me, when I’ve never even had one boyfriend before? Heck, I was so closed off, I wasn’t altogether sure how to have any kind of relationship.
Add in Brooks and Souta’s preexisting relationship… If we wanted to make it work, we needed to let our relationships develop naturally. I knew these things, but they seemed to get buried under my fear of not being enough for them and wondering what my place was in their existing dynamic, what I needed to be.
Then twist in Michael, Ash, and Kelly, not to mention Souta’s and JJ’s families, and it became an overwhelming amount of people to connect with, to figure out where I fit.
The thought of even more people to connect with overwhelmed me.
The boys let me be for the first couple days, doing little more than making sure I ate and made it to class. The longer the fog lasted, though, the more worried they became. It was obvious in the way they hovered around me and their constant need to touch me. I wanted to reassure them, but I remained stuck in processing mode.
When trying to find my father, I never gave a single thought to the after, to what came next. I don’t think I even truly registered I’d found him, and my search was complete, until I stood there in front of him.
School, Souta’s, school, Souta’s, the loop remained. Predictable actions, which made it easy to stay locked in my fog of thoughts: family, relationships, and back again.
By Thursday, the boys began having whispered conversations and shooting worried glances my way.
We loaded into Souta’s car at the end of school on Friday, and I barely registered us driving in a different direction. After we stopped, I followed the boys in a daze around JJ’s house to the studio. My butt found the bench I’d fallen asleep on the first time I came here. I pulled my feet up onto the bench, wrapped my arms around my knees and laid my head on them, my red hair falling into my face.
The bass thrummed, the drums beat, the voice wrapped around me.
My brain pounded. Too many questions. Too many worries. The pulse in my head conflicted with the music. Not enough information. Not enough time. Something was wrong. Wrong with the rhythm. Not the thoughts. The music. Not right. Not quite.
I shook my head, trying to get the tempo to work, to sound right. My eyes caught on black and red on the wall. Wrong. Wrong. I couldn’t get it to mesh. Couldn’t get the worry to stop or the questions to die.
Standing, my eyes fixed on the guitar. My hand reached out. Wrapped around the neck. Plucked it from the wall. Instinct took over. My hands moved slowly, picking out the tune. My eyes closed as the melody washed through my system. The pounding faded. The questions slowed. The worries eased.
My fingers sped up, found the tempo. I rocked to the music. Complete.
Breathing deeply for the first time in days, I tore into a chord, and my fingers flew over the strings. I barely noticed when the music around me slowed, then stopped. I lost myself in the music, playing until my fingers ached. I let the notes fade and kept my eyes closed until the only sound was the soft whispers of breath. The beat made sense now.
My eyes slid open to find the boys stock-still, jaws dropped. Blue, gold, and brown eyes wide, stared at me.
“Damn, hot stuff! That was awesome!” Souta spoke first, breaking the spell holding them.
JJ leaned into me, “Welcome back, firefly.”
His breath whispered over my ear, lips so close he nearly kissed the tip as his black hair brushed against me. A large, familiar arm snaked around my waist to pull me into a slender chest. I inhaled deeply and leaned into the comfort he offered for a moment before pulling out of his embrace. I stepped back and turned, needing to put a little space between us and set the guitar into one of the nearby stands.
Grinning at my boys, I pushed back a strand of red hair that fell into my face. “Guess I’ve been a little out of it, huh?” I’ve run so hot and cold, I didn’t know why the boys put up with me sometimes, and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
Brooks closed the distance between us. He didn’t say anything as his arms wrapped around me. His clean, fresh scent surrounded me, eased the tightness in my chest. From over Brooks’ shoulder, I saw Souta grin and rush at me. He tore me out of Brooks’ embrace and swung me around. I laughed and slapped his arms.
“Put me down!” Not that I was far off the floor.
When my feet found solid ground, I slid out from the circle of his arms.
My mind reminded me someone else might like to hear from me. “I should call Michael.”
With nods all around, I was thankful the boys understood.
Things ended on weird notes the other day, but with my fog lifted, I found my curiosity piqued. Despite being completely out of my element, I kept wondering what it would feel like to have a family. To have a father, a brother, and a stepmother. To know something, anything, about my mother and who she’d been.
Sunlight warmed my face as I stepped outside for a bit of privacy. Pulling out my phone, I scrolled through the contacts, stopping for the briefest of moments on Ash’s name. I didn’t understand why Michael gave me his number. I didn’t believe for one second that he would ever accept me. His reaction, while a bit extreme, didn’t leave a lot of room for hope. I considered deleting it, but the idea I might need to call him in an emergency stopped me. I moved past it, finding Michael’s numb
er and hitting talk.
“Hello?” He answered after only a couple rings, sounding a bit distracted.
“Um. Hi. It’s Seraphina.” I stumbled over my whole name at first, unused to using it but remembering I never asked him to use Sera.
“Seraphina! Hi. I’m so glad you called. I worried Ash’s behavior might make you reluctant to contact me again, and I didn’t get your number before you left.” He sounded so genuine and caring. It warmed me inside, even as my stomach performed backflips.
Now that I was talking to him, I didn’t know what to say.
“I, um, I just… I…” Tripping over my tongue wasn’t the way to go, but I couldn’t find words. My pounding heart didn’t help matters.
A deep, rueful chuckle came across the line. “This is kind of awkward, isn’t it? Look, I’m due at the station soon, but why don’t we get some dinner Saturday? I can dig up some pictures of Calista.”
I nodded before remembering he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, that sounds good.” A smile split my face, making my cheeks hurt. I wanted so much to know more, to know everything. “Can I call you while you’re at work?”
I didn’t know what the rules were for when he was at the station. How did that work anyway? Did firefighters work an eight-hour shift? I didn’t think so. I swore I read something about them working for several days straight, but I couldn’t be sure.
“It’s better to text. I might not answer right away, but I will eventually answer, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I have to go. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye, um, Michael.” I gnawed at my nails, unsure if I should call him dad or not.
“You don’t have to, Seraphina, but I’d love it if you called me Dad.”
I gulped as my stomach flip-flopped again. “Okay. Bye…D… Dad.” The term felt odd tripping off my tongue, but I looked forward to getting used to it.
“Bye, Seraphina.”
I hung up with a strange feeling settling inside me, like a hole I hadn’t known existed was slowly filling up.
Four
Stepping back inside, I half expected to find myself buried under a pile of boys. Instead, I found them lounging. Bright gold curls fell across Brooks’ forehead when he glanced up from the book propped up on the drum set.
“Hey, beautiful.”
Souta tucked his phone back in his jeans pocket before smacking JJ’s arm.
“Just a sec, man. Just… one more… almost…” As his whole arm moved over the page, gentle scratches of the pencil filled the dead space between his distracted words.
Not finished, but done for the moment he dropped the pencil, then pulled a thin sheet of paper from the back of the sketchbook and placed it over the drawing. He closed the book, setting it on the bench before he focused on me and stood.
Closing the distance between us, he cupped my face and ran his thumb over my lips. My stomach flipped at his touch.
“Firefly?” One perfect black brow rose in question over warm golden eyes.
“I’m okay. I promise.” Mostly true, anyway. Eventually, I would be okay. There were a lot of things I still needed to work through. Stepping back, I snatched up the guitar I played earlier and shot him a grin. “Now what do you say we make some noise?”
The music helped wipe away the last of my fugue state. Ages passed since I’d last held a guitar, or it felt that way. May always managed to ensure I got to play, even after the accident with my guitar. We meshed beautifully from the first chord and played until JJ’s mom invited us to dinner.
Being around JJ’s family still wasn’t entirely comfortable for me, which Souta seem to understand, so he made excuses for us, and we headed home.
Looking forward to a calm evening, my mind drifted as I studied Souta’s profile as he drove. The boys and I never talked about what happened on my birthday. We became so focused on finding my father that everything else fell to the side. Catching glints of Souta’s deep brown eyes as he drove, lots of questions and concerns about our relationship popped up, but I didn’t let them out.
School the next day passed in an ordinary and boring fashion. Well, as boring as being an Elementum got, anyway. Unfortunately, uneventful meant there was nothing to stop me from musing back on recent events. And some of the questions I buried the day before resurfaced.
How did someone manage to be in one relationship, let alone three? They were all so different, what did they expect of me? Could I be what each of them needed me to be? What would happen if I couldn’t? Would they turn away from me? What would that do to our Genus? And what was my place in that? They seemed so settled into the bond; where did I fit in? Could I manage to strengthen them? Or would being together be the thing that ripped them apart?
Nausea settled in my stomach as my head pounded. I couldn’t stop the worries about our relationship and our Iunctura once they reared their ugly head. Worst-case scenarios kept popping into my head; plausible or not.
After school, when we got home, I complained of a migraine and headed straight to my room. For a second, after I closed the door, I considered locking it to ensure no one would bother me, but this wasn’t my home. I didn’t have a right to keep Souta or his folks out of rooms in their own home.
After about half an hour the house fell quiet. Antsy, I paced the small confines of the room. Needing to move more than a few steps to find my balance, and not wanting to bother anyone, I slipped out of the room.
In the entryway, I paused long enough to put my shoes on then dashed out and down the driveway.
At the street, I glanced in both directions to figure out which way to head. In the end, I decided it didn’t matter, so I headed right.
Wind rushed at me, sending the short strands of my red hair flying. The gray, overcast sky and the heavy air indicated rain. I pulled up the hood of my jacket to help keep my hair in place, tucked my hands into my pockets, and let my easy stride carry me onward without much thought.
My entire body vibrated as I walked and bounced every few steps. I wanted to pull out the lighter I kept in my pocket and play, but I couldn’t take a chance on someone seeing me.
I discovered the park a few minutes later. The green expanse stretched out, even with the hint of rain, people lounged around on the open grassy area. A large playground area contained happy kids and parents perched on benches, who looked relieved for the break. A small lake, or large pond, depending on your definition, reflected the gloomy sky. There were a couple brave men out on small rowboats, they must have rented from the boat shack nearby.
Wooden picnic tables sat under shade trees scattered throughout the park, ready to be used. The atmosphere seemed happy and peaceful, but too many people loitered around. Sitting near the lake might help. As I approached a bench near the water, a tiny dirt trail caught my eye.
Upon investigation, I discovered it to be a nature trail winding through a small copse of trees nearby. I couldn’t tell where it led or where it would come out, but it looked like exactly what I needed.
The trail widened from a slim footpath to a real trail under the canopy of trees. Between the overcast, late afternoon sky and the shade of the tree branches, only minimal light made it onto the trail. I still itched to break out my lighter, especially since it would provide more illumination to ensure I didn’t trip over my feet, but I didn’t. I stretched out my hand, the tips of my fingers brushing against leaves and branches. Soft sounds of wildlife reached my ears. As I walked, allowing the natural serenity to wash over me, the tightness in my chest eased.
The trail turned sharply to reveal a high stone wall running along the right side of the trail. Every so often, an iron gate broke the white stone expanse. Shingled roofs and second stories rose from behind it, stretching to the sky. Vines peeked over the top of the wall, and some sections were already working their way down the wall on the woods’ side. More light filtered through, not enough to truly brighten the trail, but I no longer felt immersed in gloom.
My head and heart mirrored the
change on the trail. My thoughts came to a slow stop. The unsettling heaviness in my heart lifted. The boys cared about me. They wanted us to work, not just our Genus, but our relationships. I needed to remember that.
Maybe part of my panic came from all the recent changes in my life? Learning to adjust my thinking and feelings wasn’t easy. Eighteen years didn’t disappear in the blink of an eye because a couple guys decided they liked me. Or because I discovered one of my parents lived.
My stride shortened as the trail turned again. It snaked for a short distance, roots jutting up in an attempt to trip the unwary hiker. I started as gray-streaked across the path, chuckling when I spied the tiny rabbit twitching its nose in my general direction.
The path ran in a wide half-circle, eventually leading back to the lake.
I sank to the soft grass near the water, wrapping my arms around upraised knees. While my brain and heart seemed settled, a lot of questions remained unanswered. And maybe that was okay. I didn’t need all the answers right now.
When pinks and oranges streaked across the surface of the water, I realized I’d been out longer than I thought. Rising, I ran a hand over my butt to rid myself of dirt and grass.
“Wooo, baby!” A deep male voice startled me. My head jerked up, swiveling to meet the waggling eyebrows of some human with a belly overflowing his jeans. “I’ll rub that ass for you!”
I should let it go, but my temper flared. After Aguirre, I was determined to not be a victim.