by Desi Lin
When I looked up, Ash’s gaze caught mine. “They’re worried, aren’t they?”
“How do you know all this?”
He was only three years older than me. Did he have a serious girlfriend or something?
He shook his head. “Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is no. I had a good teacher.” He grinned wide, eyes sparkling. “We call him Dad.”
I grinned back at his corny joke and noticed the phone quit vibrating. For a second, I debated between calling and texting, finally deciding to send a group text since we needed to talk in person.
Sera: I’m sorry for ignoring you all. Can you come to Michael’s? I think it’s time we talked about some things.
Hating the sound of the text but unable to figure out how to word it better I hit send. Hope warred with fear; the boys better not think I was going to break up with them or something. Wasn’t that usually what followed the ‘We Need to Talk’ phrase? I didn’t have enough time to worry since my phone pinged a text about thirty seconds later.
Brooks: On our way, beautiful. Happy to hear from you.
The short text didn’t give me any clue about how they felt. Setting the phone down, I took a deep breath and tried not to worry. This was why we needed to talk. But right now, I needed a distraction.
“Tell me what Dad was like when you were growing up.” Ash laughed as I settled back into the mounds of pillows.
“Oh, man, you’ve opened the floodgates.” He leaned back too before he launched into a story about Dad trying to build him a treehouse.
Apparently, Dad couldn’t build things or fix things, but he wouldn’t admit it, so he tried, anyway. Ash learned early to call Dad’s best friend, Hugh, when he tried to fix or build anything.
Ash managed to keep me distracted with Dad’s antics until the doorbell rang.
When I put the pillow on the bed and started to rise, Ash stopped me with a hand on my arm. “Give me a minute? I want to talk to them first.”
I nodded and promptly started picking at my nails when he got up and left. Why did he want to talk to them?
Curiosity got the better of me, and standing, I slipped out of my room to eavesdrop.
The stairs ended near the door, and the second-floor landing overlooked the foyer. Not wanting anyone to see me, I stopped short of the actual landing, at the edge of the wall, letting it hide me.
“One of you boys want to explain to me why I picked my daughter up from the side of the road looking like her world exploded?” Dad’s stern tone as he addressed the boys sent a shudder through me. I hoped his barely restrained anger never had a reason to be directed at me.
Souta spoke up. “It’s my fault, sir.”
It wasn’t his fault, though, not entirely. I was as much to blame for my unhappiness as anyone else. More so, really.
Dad growled a single word, “Explain.”
It seemed unnatural to me, unlike the happy, easy man I’d begun to think of as my father.
“Dad,” Ash said.
Oh, good. Maybe he’d stop this caveman conversation. Needing to catch a glimpse of my boys, I peered around the corner.
Ash’s hand rested on Dad’s arm as their gazes met.
Dad nodded at some unspoken cue.
The boys, though… Oh, dear.
Souta alternated between bouncing in place and trying to pace. Brooks kept pulling him back. JJ’s hair looked like he’d run his hands through it several times. All of their shoulders slumped, clothes rumpled. If I could see their eyes better, would they be dull and flat?
I pulled back to hide behind the wall again.
So much stress and worry; I did this to them. How could I be worth it to them when all I did was screw things up?
“Look,” Ash said. “We don’t know what happened, and that’s between you and Seraphina, but she’s hurting right now. There’s a lot you all need to work out from the sounds of things. Know that I’ll be keeping half an eye on you all. Do right by her or you’ll answer to both of us. That’s my little sister up there, don’t forget it.”
“Oh, yeah.” Souta’s sneer was clear in his voice. “Now, she’s your little sister? What the fuck happened to ‘You are not my sister. I will never accept that.’?”
“That’s between me and Sera.”
Souta’s voice rose. “The fuck it is!”
Ash met Souta’s heat with ice. “It really is.”
It was time to put an end to this before Souta got going.
I stepped out from behind the wall. “Souta. Not now.”
My voice was even and caught his attention quickly. His head jerked up, eyes wide as they found me.
“Sera.” He spoke my name on a breath of air, and I nearly missed the single word.
He started toward the stairs but stopped. His eyes closed, and his entire body slumped. Opening his eyes, he lifted his gaze to mine, uncertainty written in every line on his face.
I hated seeing him like this, as less than his joyous self. Offering a half-smile, I opened my arms.
His face lit up as he slipped past Ash, ran up the stairs, barreled into me, and lifted me off the floor to swing me around in a tight hug. My insides lit up as I hugged him back. Only a few hours passed, but it felt like days. I missed them. It felt so good to be held by him again after thinking I might have lost them.
He set me down, and we stepped out of our embrace.
“Come on.” I headed down the stairs to where the others waited.
Time to figure our shit out.
Twenty-Two
As we spread around the couches and chairs in the living room, a part of me wanted to curl up inside my head and hide behind the facade again. Hopefully, I shoved that cowardly bitch aside so hard she’d take years to come back. I was done trying to be a people pleaser. The boys stayed silent, waiting on me.
“First, let me apologize.” Souta opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I held up a hand to hold him off. “I should never have run off, last night or today.” My hand shook, and I buried it under my thigh to hide my nerves. Would they hate me for what I admitted? “Talking to Ash made me realize a couple things. The main one is that I’ve been running.”
“From what?” JJ’s brow furrowed as he frowned.
With a deep breath, I braced myself for their reaction as I admitted, “From my feelings. From my family. From you.”
Silence prevailed. The words hung between us, a weight suspended by the thinnest thread. One breath would bring the whole thing crashing down. Waiting for the inevitable became painful. I sank my teeth into my bottom lip.
“Why?” The softly spoken word came from Brooks.
Now came the hard part. Understanding would be difficult, and it meant I couldn’t hold anything back anymore. They knew a little about my past, but not all of it.
“I don’t know how to do this.” I circled the room with a finger, indicating them and me. “I’ve never even tried to connect to others. I don’t know how to be part of anything. Not friends or being a daughter or a girlfriend or a Genus. Not anything, much less the family you all keep telling me we are. I know it’s hard to understand, but it started a long time ago.” I studied each of them, noticing for the first time Brooks and Souta sat in separate chairs.
Concern radiated from them, but they seemed content to let me talk. Good. Because I didn’t know if I could get through this story if they tried asking too many questions.
“You know I’ve shuffled around—”
“Sera,” Brooks interrupted me.
My fingers scraped along the soft material of the couch as my chest tightened. Please. Not now.
He shook his head and moved to join me on the couch. “You don’t have to do this.”
I swallowed hard and tightened my resolve. “I need to.”
He laced our fingers together.
Squeezing his hand, his touch gave me the strength to continue. “I’ve never had any kind of family.”
Both Souta and JJ looked like they wanted to ask questions at
my statement, but a slight shake of Brooks’ head stopped them.
“I don’t know why, but May always had trouble finding places for me to stay, especially during the longer summer breaks.” Of course, eventually my reputation didn’t help. “It was rare that I stayed with anyone for more than a couple weeks, and for the most part, I was left to my own devices. The classmates I stayed with were never close and rarely friends. I didn’t really want them to be, either. The families were nice, polite, but I was always a guest. An outsider. And it was always obvious.”
“Seriously?” Souta whispered. “Nothing? Ever?”
Tears threatened as I shook my head. “Nothing I have clear memories of. There was a family, when I was really little, but I only have vague impressions. My one clear memory of them is…” I closed my eyes as the memory rose in my mind “… painful.”
I didn’t want to relive it, but I needed them to understand. No running meant no hiding, either.
The story of the rejected bunny spilled out.
When I started to shake, an arm wrapped around me and pulled me in tight. Souta and JJ were out of their seats like shots from a gun, both managing to somehow settle in and wrap me up.
“Did you ever try to look them up again?” JJ asked when the words finally halted.
I wiped my damp cheeks, a bit pissed for crying while telling them about Tara and Mark.
Again, I mutely shook my head and willed my voice to remain steady and calm. “Honestly, I buried the memory so deep I didn’t remember it until we were here the first time.”
“Maybe you should ask Maybelle?” Souta grabbed my hips and moved me into his lap as he spoke.
His chest moved against my side as he drew in a deep breath and let out a tiny, almost inaudible sigh. It hit me then, like a brick, that he did it more for himself than me. When things got rough or serious over the last few weeks, he’d be more affectionate than normal, like he needed the contact to settle his mind and reassure himself.
“I don’t want to bother May with my silly issues when she already has so much to do.” Still, ever since remembering how I’d left Tara and Mark, it hovered in the back of my mind, hinting at things I didn’t look too deeply into. Would I be able to move past it without a few answers? “Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
“When you’re ready, beautiful.” Brooks ran a finger down my cheek, and I leaned into the touch.
We sat in silence for a moment, and I let myself take comfort in being wrapped up in my boys, knowing it wouldn’t last long.
“I still don’t understand,” JJ spoke up first, lifting his head from where he’d been leaning against my legs. “Why were you running from us? Is it only because it’s all so new and strange?”
“She doesn’t realize it.” At the unexpected voice, I looked up to find my brother leaning against the wall. “But deep down, it’s because she doesn’t think she’s worth keeping around.”
My lungs seized up as the rightness of his words settled in and destroyed the veil I’d kept on my feelings. Tara and Mark didn’t want me. And despite May’s attempts, neither did anyone else. No one even tried to include me, to make me feel like more than someone taking up a spare room for a few days. Not one person, until them.
“Sera?” Souta’s worried tone made me aware of how still I’d gone.
“He’s right.” Unable to move, I didn’t know how to react to this or what to do about it.
“And I sure as fuck didn’t help matters.” Ash crossed the room toward me.
JJ stood to prevent him from getting too close.
Ash simply nodded and backed off a step or two. “I didn’t know any of this when we talked, but I owe you a bigger apology than I realized.”
JJ’s stiff stance relaxed, and he sank back down to the floor to lean against Souta and my legs.
“I was a complete ass, and I will make it up to you.” Ash strode around the couch, reached over, and ruffled my hair. “Tell them the rest, Seraphina. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
“I still don’t like him,” Souta grumbled against my neck as Ash left.
I poked his cheek, so he’d look up at me and see the serious expression on my face. “He’s my brother, and he’s not going anywhere.”
“Sorry.” Souta’s face fell. “What did he mean, the rest?”
Unable to meet any of their gazes, I focused on my lap as I answered. “You guys may have noticed I’ve been a bit erratic lately. I didn’t want any of you to regret our Iunctura, and I’ve never been someone people wanted to keep around. Somehow, I thought I needed to be different and tried to figure out what you guys wanted me to be. How you wanted me to act or dress or whatever. But you each seemed to expect someone different, then there were Souta’s parents. They were so nice to let me stay, and I felt like I needed to be the perfect guest, and I didn’t know how. Meeting all the expectations…” I trailed off, unsure how to voice my worries, when the abrupt press of lips cut off my internal babble.
Lost in my explanation, I didn’t notice JJ move. His tongue softly licked at the seam of my mouth, and I opened to him. All thoughts of what I should say flew out of my head as our tongues danced.
When he pulled back and sank to the floor, I simply stared, dazed, trying to remember what I was saying.
JJ propped an arm on my knees, resting his head on it. “You don’t need to be anything but the amazing, beautiful woman you are, firefly, and we’re sorry if we made you feel like you did.”
“It wasn’t you.” I shook my head.
Souta sat up straight suddenly, nearly sending me toppling off his lap.
Brooks steadied me as my hands clutched Souta’s shirt for balance.
Souta’s hands slid around me, “Sorry, hot stuff. But was that what was going on the other night? When you left? My folks had just—” He didn’t need to finish.
Ruefully, I nodded. “Yes. Kind of. It was more—everything—too much everything, and them wanting me to do your fancy family thing was like a… I don’t know. It just suddenly felt like I was suffocating, and I had to get out of there to figure things out. That didn’t go well obviously.” I shrugged, unsure how to explain it all. “I… I’m not good at the family thing.”
“I think you’re better at the family thing than you realize.” My head swiveled to look at Brooks, my mind stalling over his words. “You keep standing up to Souta about Ash being your brother, and you’ve forgiven him pretty quickly.”
Uncertain how to respond, I shrugged. “After seeing him the second time, it didn’t feel like Ash hated me. He’d only reacted to the situation as anyone might. Eventually, he calmed down, took the time to listen, and think and do the right thing. Nothing good comes easily after all.”
So, why did I expect to fall easily into a relationship, like I had been born in it? I laughed at my own silliness in my head.
“Try not to be so hard on yourself.” JJ spun around and rose to sit on his knees. “We know it’s all new. It’s just, I think I speak for all three of us here, the connection between us was instant, even before Iunctura. And now it’s gotten so much stronger. We forget how new being part of a family is for you. Be patient with yourself and with us, okay?”
“Me too?” I needed to remember I didn’t have to handle everything on my own anymore either. No more long, solitary walks to try to work through stuff.
Thinking of my walks reminded me of another talk that needed to happen. “Souta?”
He must have read my expression because he nodded. “I know. We should talk.” We both looked at JJ and Brooks.
Brooks jerked his head toward the hall. “Go. Fill us in later, okay? We can’t help if we don’t know.”
My sigh of relief matched Souta’s own, and I slid off his lap. I didn’t want to hide things from any of them, but I wasn’t ready to fight things out in front of everyone either.
We went into the foyer, and I settled onto the steps, eyes tracking Souta as he paced. So much happened in the last couple days. Everything fel
t broken between us, and I didn’t know where to start to fix it. Souta ran a hand through his hair as he spun to a stop. The pain shimmering in his eyes made my heart ache.
“I’m sorry, Sera.” He shook his head. “I can’t get the image of Dane holding you out of my head.”
“When you found us, he was actually asking if he should call you.”
Souta sank to the ground. “I’m an idiot.”
“But you’re my idiot.” I tried to lighten his mood and let him know my feelings never changed.
“Am I?” Hunched in on himself, Souta peered up at me from under his dark hair. I sucked in a breath at his vacant expression. “After everything? Should I be? Apparently, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time around.”
“What do you mean?” I slid down the stairs, the need to wrap my arms around him overriding any other emotions. I’d never seen him like this.
“I did something similar to Brooks.” He drew his legs up and buried his face in them. “Barely a week after Iunctura. Brooks had only been in town a short time, remember, and it was obvious almost from the start that he had a thing for Dane, but Dane is straight. The first time we went out, I asked him about it. That’s when Iunctura happened, and we had this amazing experience.
“But his crush on Dane left me wondering about his feelings for me, whether or not there were any, to be honest. Then I spent the next week at school seeing him in the company of this other guy, not Dane. He wouldn’t come to lunch, but I’d see them leave the library, or he’d tell me he couldn’t see me after school, then he’d be walking down the hall with this other guy.”
Chin propped on his knees, Souta’s dark hair obscured his eyes. “After about four days, I lost my mind, cornered him in the hall with this other guy, and said all kinds of things that don’t bear repeating. I made all these insane accusations. He just stood there and took it, and when I finally shut the hell up, he just said, ‘done then?’ and walked away with the other dude.”
“I fell apart, and the whole thing nearly broke us. Took JJ to put us back together. He went and talked to Brooks. Turned out the guy was his partner on a project for class. Sound familiar?” Souta snorted. “I can’t even stop from repeating the same mistakes. I’m the world’s biggest idiot.”