by Desi Lin
Did he share Souta’s feelings? What about JJ? Did they all think I took our relationship, our Genus so lightly? How could I talk to them about us when I couldn’t even figure out me? As much as it hurt, I knew I still needed time away, so I didn’t continue to act rashly and blow the first good thing to ever come my way.
The phone shook in my hand. The shaking was getting worse, and it was harder to lift my feet. I stumbled, tripping over nothing. When I glanced around, the houses were all familiar. I was nearing Souta’s.
Not stopping, I tucked my head and speed-walked past it. Around the corner and out of sight, my knees finally gave out. Crashing to a stop, I barely caught myself with my hands before I face-planted into the pavement.
My phone went tumbling down the sidewalk. I scrambled after it and prayed it still worked. Flipping it over, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the screen was only scratched.
Barely holding it together, I couldn’t get up and keep walking. I couldn’t help the shiver of fear at the thought of Chester finding me now. Flipping through my contacts, I debated who to call. May? No, she’d told me she’d be hard to reach for the next few months, so no guarantees. Ash entered my mind, but with Souta’s reaction combined with us just starting to figure things out as siblings, asking him to deal with all this or listen while I bitched about my boyfriends might be pushing the boundaries.
Michael. Dad. His number was right there. While I wouldn’t want to share what was going on, he told me to call him anytime. Well, text him, but same thing. I didn’t let myself second-guess the choice and popped open a text message.
Sera: Hi, Dad.
The word, Dad, made me grin through my tears as I typed it. Calling him Dad was getting easier.
Sera: Are you home or on duty? Can I call you?
His response came almost immediately
Michael: I’m home, sweetheart. You can call. Everything okay?
No. Everything wasn’t okay. Far from it, but I didn’t want to get into it in text. Instead, I hit call.
He picked up before the first ring ended. “Hi, sweetie.”
A strange sensation of love filtered through his words, and my voice cracked hearing it. “Hi, Dad.”
“Sera, what’s wrong?”
I ran a hand over my face to wipe away the tears. “Can you come get me? I’m around the corner from Souta’s.” I glanced at the street sign above me to give him the exact location. “Seneca and Vine.”
“I’ll be there in a couple minutes. Don’t move.” He hung up, and the floodgates opened.
He hadn’t even questioned why I wanted him to come. Hadn’t wondered why I didn’t just go to Souta’s. I asked him to come, and he was coming. No questions, no conditions.
Was this what they meant by unconditional love? Was this what family was meant to be? I pulled my legs up, wrapped my arms around my knees, and buried my face in them as I cried.
By the time the rumble of a car pulled up beside me and stopped, I’d cried myself out and reached numb. I lifted my head as Dad got out and circled around the car.
From the way his eyes widened, I must have looked a mess, tears obvious on my face.
He knelt beside me and wrapped strong arms around me in a comforting embrace. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”
He pulled me closer, somehow managing to pick me up as he stood. I curled into him, taking the comfort he offered.
Home. I didn’t know where that was anymore. Did I still have a home with the boys? And if they were my home, why had I always felt like a guest at Souta’s?
Dad tucked me into his car, and we took off.
The ride wasn’t long enough for me to do more than wonder how things ended between Souta and Dane.
Calmer and still feeling numb, I exited the car and headed toward the house. Michael followed. I walked in the front door but halted on the other side. I needed a bed and a nap and to let myself fall apart, but I didn’t know where to go.
The hand that landed on my shoulder caused me to startle.
“Follow me.” Dad smiled and jerked his head toward the stairs, and we started up. “This might have been a little presumptuous, and honestly, don’t feel like you can’t tell us you hate it.” He stopped at a door at the top of the stairs, placing a hand on the knob. “We tried to decorate it in a fashion we thought you’d like, but I’m used to teenage boys, not girls, so…”
His shrug was apologetic as I stared blankly at him.
“Kelly and I were hoping to tell you, or ask you, a little differently, but you look about ten seconds from collapsing.” He opened the door and gave a small flourish for me to enter.
As I stepped in, my eyes barely took in the space. Too tired and wiped out to take a good look, I made my way to the white daybed loaded with pillows, none of the frilly variety, and covered in a black-and-red patterned quilt. Without another thought, I collapsed onto the bed, grabbing one of the pillows decorated with flames and curled around it.
“Sera, honey.” Dad brushed a hand over my hair. Even through my numb haze, I marveled at how it felt to have someone, a parent, comfort me. “Will you tell me what’s going on?”
Unable to answer, I shook my head.
I didn’t want to talk.
Didn’t want to think.
Didn’t want to feel.
Just wanted to drift.
“Okay, well, Kelly and I planned to ask you to come to stay with us, so don’t feel like you have a time limit here or anything. This is your room now.” He pressed a kiss to my head and rose.
As he left, I heard him say, “Ash. Your sister’s here…”
If he said anything else, it was lost as he closed the door and walked down the hall, and I drifted to sleep.
I didn’t sleep long, about forty-five minutes according to my phone. My eyes caught the waiting text. Throat tightening, I swallowed hard, unable to face him yet, but not responding would be cruel.
Souta: Sera! Where are you?
Sera: I’m okay.
My fingers hesitated with my mind stumbling to find the words. After staring at the phone for a full two minutes, I deleted the whole thing and started again.
Sera: I’m at my dad’s. I need time, please.
Truthful was the best I could do and be. I wasn’t okay, far from it, and I needed to stop telling them that I was. Souta would respond right away, but I couldn’t do this right now. Guilt swamped me as I shut off my phone.
Tossing my phone onto the nightstand, I finally took the time to look around. In addition to the bed, there was a dresser and nightstand in white. The room held little else, giving me the impression of a blank canvas. Soft, dove-gray walls and matching carpet helped the white furniture blend in. It was oddly soothing, and I loved how the beautiful red and black patchwork quilt stood out.
My gaze caught again on my phone, silent on the nightstand.
How had I managed to screw up so badly? Used to being alone, I knew I had a lot to learn. Suddenly finding myself surrounded by people who wanted to be close to me left me stumbling around blind. I thought we were doing okay at first. We talked. We connected. Then, we stopped talking. I stopped talking. And the misunderstandings began.
What had I done, or not done, to leave Souta with those feelings?
Had the Mother made a mistake, putting me with them? Did the Mother make mistakes? No, this was on me. If we fell apart, I would be the one to blame. Unable to be who they expected me to be, I wanted to curl up on the bed as the realization hit me. Just forget the world, hide away from everything.
The darkness was a weight trying to descend around me. It wasn’t me. It would never be me. So, I refused to let it take hold. I’d screwed up, true. Now, I had to figure out who I was, how I felt, and what to do about it.
A soft knock on the door preceded a head peeking in. “I just wanted to check on you.” Kelly smiled as she stepped in. “Your dad didn’t say much about what’s going on. Do you need to talk?”
She sat on the bed next to me, but
with a distance I felt comfortable with. She pushed her dark hair behind her ear as she turned to face me.
I didn’t want to hurt her feelings but…
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I don’t feel comfortable telling you.”
Her smile didn’t dim. “No worries. I’d be surprised if you did. Feel up to coming downstairs, maybe joining us for a light bite?”
Of course, my stomach chose that moment to speak up.
We both grinned as I nodded.
Neither of us spoke as we went down to the kitchen.
Dad stood at the brown and black granite counter of the large kitchen island, sunlight from a large picture window behind him streaming in and bouncing off the stainless-steel appliances.
He glanced over his shoulder as we entered.
Kelly gestured to the round, ashy brown table and chairs. “Let’s eat.”
Pulling out one of the chairs next to her, I sat.
“Hey. Did you let your boys know where you are?” he asked.
I nodded, hoping he wouldn’t probe any further.
He grabbed a couple things off the counter and joined us at the table. When I noticed the egg salad sandwiches and fruit, I choked back a sob. Souta made the same for our date.
The hurt must have shown because Kelly’s hand squeezed my shoulder. “Hey, I’m sure it will be okay, whatever it is.”
Needing a minute to collect myself, I scrubbed my hands over my face, stood, and headed over to the glass-fronted, wood cabinets. If I remembered correctly, the one to the left of the sink held the glasses. Opening the cabinet door, I took a few deep breaths before grabbing a glass and pouring myself some ice water.
As I sat back down, Dad and Kelly grinned at each other, then me. “What?”
“It’s nice to see you comfortable here.” Dad’s words hit me like bricks. I’d only been here a handful of times, but after the first few times, it felt comfortable in a way it didn’t at Souta’s.
“Hey, Dad, where’s—” Through my shocked haze, Ash’s voice cut off. He sank into the last chair at the table. “Hey, sis.” He nudged me with an elbow. “You all right?”
Still lost in my shock, I failed to respond.
He turned to Dad. “Any idea what’s up?”
I forced myself out of my fog, to notice the concern on the faces of my family.
Wow. My family.
They were my family, and they were worried about me. Me. I didn’t want to talk to Dad, but maybe Ash would get it? It felt a bit weird since we’d only barely begun to try being siblings. Still, I wasn’t getting anywhere on my own.
I turned to look at Ash, my brother whose ear and advice I really needed right now. “Can we talk?”
Twenty-One
Back in my room, I flopped down onto my bed, grabbed a pillow, and curled around it. Ash’s brown gaze drifted around the room slowly. I still marveled at how much like the Phoenix men I looked. Though Ash wore his hair in short spikes with blond highlights, the brown locks remained the same as my natural hair color. We both had slight builds, tending toward slender without really trying, but of course, Ash was several inches taller. It hit me that I didn’t know what room I’d taken. Fuck.
“Dad said they did this room up for me. I didn’t take your room, did I?” I sat up, bringing the pillow with me.
Ash grinned for the first time around me. I got the impression this happy, easy guy was closer to who he actually was. “Nah. My room is next door. This was Dad’s ‘office’, more of a junk room than anything else. He never actually worked on anything in here. This is a good change.” He sunk onto the bed, scooting back until he rested against the backboard. “Besides, I haven’t lived here for a couple years now, not since my own Genus completed. Now, what’s up?”
“I’m… confused, worried, scared, I don’t know…” I gripped the little orange pillow tighter as my entire body tensed up.
“Hey.” Ash reached out, one hand gently undoing the death grip of my fingers. “Relax. Don’t worry about feelings right now. Let’s start with facts, okay?”
I nodded. Facts. I could do facts.
“Good. What happened to bring you here? Dad said you seemed like something was seriously wrong.”
Telling him about the fight between Souta and me wasn’t the right place to start; Ash wouldn’t understand unless I backtracked and told him what lead to it. I took a deep breath, and the whole damn story spilled out in fits and starts. There were moments where I had to pause to figure out how much to tell Ash. Eventually, I gave up editing things out and just told him everything. I was out of my element so far; I wouldn’t be able to find my way with a clearly lit path.
He listened, just listened, while I spilled everything. And I didn’t stop with the incident yesterday, or the whole thing with Dane. Once I started, I couldn’t seem to contain it anymore. All my fears and worries, every feeling and thought, every little thing that twisted up inside me, that told me I wasn’t good enough, everything came crashing out of me at one time.
My voice cracked. I started to go hoarse, but I needed to finish.
Finally, the words stopped, and I fell silent. No tears, no choking, no sobbing. It felt good to finally have someone who listened to me. While I could talk to Brooks, I needed someone outside of us, someone not invested in our Genus, to help me find my way through.
“Wow.” Ash spoke the single word in a flat tone.
I waited for more, but he remained silent for a few minutes, taking it all in likely.
“Can I ask you something?” He shifted, spinning to face me and resting his arms on his knees. “Something kind of sensitive?” Out of words, I just nodded. “You never had any kind of family? I mean, what about holidays and summers and stuff?”
Not wanting to relive the whole affair with Tara and Mark, I sighed. “I stayed with a family from the time I was born until just before I started school. They weren’t able to continue my care at that point.” I shrugged. “After that May couldn’t find a permanent place, so eventually, the Concilium decided to just board me at school and told her to quit trying to find permanent placement. During breaks, they shuffled me to various families.”
“And you moved schools every year?” I nodded to his question, still confused as to why they chose to do it. He shook his head. “What were they thinking? You really have no idea how to—”
“—be a normal person?” I finished for him.
He lightly smacked my leg. “No, brat. It’s just that there’s a dynamic that develops when you’ve known someone for a long time, and another that develops with family. You’ve missed out on all that. And in the process, you never figured out how to make those connections.”
He didn’t know the half of it. I closed myself so tightly against any relationships I never had a hope of figuring out how to connect. Not knowing what to say, I opened my mouth, but stopped.
“Look, I don’t know much about relationships but I gotta say”—Ash leaned forward—“you gotta quit running.”
“Running?” I froze in place.
Souta said something similar, but I wasn’t running, was I?
“Yeah. I get the need for time to calm down or think, I do, Sera, but you don’t seem to be just taking time. From what you said, you don’t talk about what’s bothering you or even talk at all, you shut down and run.”
“I mean, kind of. We have talked some…” But he was right. Whenever I left, or locked myself away, when I emerged again or the boys followed me, we didn’t talk about why.
Was he right? Was I running? And if I was, what was I running from? The boys? I didn’t think so. Well, not exactly. There was so much, though, so many feelings, clashes, and just stuff. I never had to worry about anyone except myself before. Now, I felt torn apart all the time, trying to make everyone happy.
“How do you do it?” I asked.
“Do what?” Ash’s brow furrowed as his head tilted to the side.
“Make everyone happy. Be who they want you to be. I can’t�
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Ash cut me off with a shake of his head. “Who the hell gave you that idea?” He slashed a hand through the air. “You don’t.”
“Don’t?”
“You don’t try to be what anyone wants you to be, Seraphina. You need to be you, and that’s all. If they don’t like you the way you are, they aren’t worth your time.”
“But I wanted to make them happy, and I’m so confused.”
“Before you were a Genus, before you wanted to be with them, they liked you, right?”
I nodded.
“That’s my point. They liked you. The person you already were. Not the person you think they want you to be. You don’t need to change for them. No one should ask that of you, Dad and I included.”
As his words sank in, it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’d been working so hard, tearing myself apart, going crazy to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. The perfect: Ignis, sister, daughter, girlfriend, and student.
But he was telling me I didn’t need to do that anymore. I didn’t need to be perfect. I only needed to be me.
“I do hope, though, you didn’t leave your boys hanging.”
Uncomfortable, I tugged on my hair. “I told them where I was…”
Although I did turn off my phone afterward. I bit my lip and wondered if that qualified.
Ash caught the giveaway. “But?”
“I turned my phone off afterward.”
Ash sighed and looked over at the dresser. “Where—”
I pointed to the nightstand before he could finish the question. He leaned over the bed and dug around in the drawer, pulling my phone out a few moments later.
As he sat back up, he held the phone out to me. “Time to stop running.”
For a minute I sat there, staring at the small electronic device like a deadly snake. Then, I gave myself a mental smack and took the phone.
Turning it on made it nearly vibrate out of my hand. Notification after notification lit the screen, and my stomach churned. Missed calls and texts awaited my attention. I only caught a hint of them as they flashed on my screen. The general gist wasn’t angry, though. They were worried, about me specifically.