Pregnant by My Sister's Boyfriend

by Alice Carina

  "What?" I smiled at her, welcoming any chance of conversation.

  "Kyle's parents are leaving!"

  "Leaving where?"

  "They're going to..." she paused, scratching her head. "I forgot, but they have this big case and they need to travel somewhere to work on it and they're letting Kyle stay. Can you believe that? He convinced them to let him stay for school. Do you know what this means?" I shook my head. "It means we have his house all to ourselves, it'll be like moving in together. Well, except at night when I have to be here, but this is still great practice for our future."

  "Your future?" They'd already planned a future together? Did their future include babies that would be my baby's unknowing siblings? No, no! I shook my head. They were going to break up after high school like everybody else did, I just knew it.

  Kyle could not think responsibly, I knew him too well, there was no way he was picturing a future where he would have to be responsible for someone else. He just wasn't that type of guy, not at the moment, anyway. Had he been truly serious about their future, he would've tried to secure the foundations of the past and told her the truth about us instead of risking too much falling because of it.

  "Yeah," she smiled, "we have it all figured out. We're moving in together after high school when we get accepted into the same college and then we're getting married after." She shrugged like it was the simplest and easiest plan there was.

  Their future didn't hold any responsibility. They didn't think about bills or jobs or classes or neighborhoods or the possibility of not getting into the same place. The future was just more irresponsible time together, an even less responsible extension of the present. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

  "So, anyways, he wants to throw me a birthday party at his place. His parents are moving away tomorrow, but we didn't have time to plan anything so shortly. He wants it to be the biggest party ever, so we're having it next weekend. It's going to be a-mazing." Did she expect me to jump up and down with excitement that her boyfriend who got me pregnant was throwing her the biggest party ever on our birthday? "You can come, of course," she mumbled when she realized her news couldn't really excite me, "if you want."

  "Thanks, I'll pass."

  "Do you want to do something just the two of us on our actual birthday?"

  I'd really missed spending time with my sister - just the two of us doing something together. She hadn't had time for me since she fell in love with Kyle and decided to spend every waking minute of her life either with him or talking about him, or maybe since I got pregnant and she became ashamed to be seen with me. With the baby on the way and her carefree future or heartbreak forthcoming, I knew we probably wouldn't get another chance.

  "Sure, we could-"

  "Kyle's taking me to this fancy restaurant for lunch, and he told me to clear my afternoon, but we could do something at night after dinner with mom and dad." She offered, then quickly added; "Oh wait, I promised Bernetta I would go with her to the movies. Hey, why don't you bring Chelsea and the four of us can hang out together, like old times, you know?"

  "You mean before I got pregnant and Bernetta started avoiding me like some disease?"

  "Oh, come on," Josslyn rolled her eyes, "she's not that bad."

  "The other day I was standing behind something and she thought I was you. When she saw my stomach, she gasped and literally ran away."

  "Fine, I could cancel with her-"

  "No, it's fine, just use the extra time to educate her that pregnancy is not contagious, will you? Tell her she should be running away from her ten boyfriends if she doesn't want to catch it, not me."

  Josslyn laughed and left my room, already on her phone. I stared down at mine, but nobody wanted to talk to me.

  I knew it was for his best, but I really missed him. I missed his random check-up texts, I missed being able to call him when I was bored and in desperate need of human contact, I missed talking to him, hearing his voice, feeling his concern, but I convinced myself that I wasn't that selfish to guilt him into talking to me and threw my phone away.

  I walked into the restroom the second day and Chad walked right after me with his tray. I was too stunned for movement when I saw him there when he no longer had a reason to be. He walked before me to the stall he'd occupied thrice before and I slowly walked into mine.

  "I didn't go into the cafeteria yesterday, so I didn't know you were back to eating here." So he hadn't just enjoyed his meal with his regular like I'd assumed?

  I didn't reply.

  Even after everything, even after he knew the whole truth, even after he couldn't help judging me and wanting to be away from me, he still fought against himself just so that I wouldn't be alone even when he knew that I deserved it.

  He was a good friend, but so was I, which was why I refused to take him down with me. I knew that he didn't want to be around me anymore, but was holding himself up to his word and his constant promise to me that I wasn't alone, but I wasn't going to hold it against him. He wanted to leave, and I wanted him to, even if I really didn't.

  He didn't try to talk to me and, in the silence, I suddenly realized just how much I was affecting him. Chad was the type of guy who was constantly surrounded by friends or admirers, but no one came looking for him when he hid in the restroom during Lunch with me, no one tried to sit next to him in the cafeteria when he sat with me, and no one approached him or smiled at him in the halls when he was walking with me. He was the chatty type, the kind of guy you could always count on for a warm smile and a good time, but he was sitting silently in the girls' restroom with the same troubled frown he'd walked in with that I could still feel through the wall separating us. The most cheerful guy I knew who could make anybody laugh was sulking alone because of me.

  The bell rang, and he quickly got up and exited his stall.

  "See you Monday?" He tried to smile but his lips wouldn't fully stretch and he wouldn't look at me.

  I didn't know why he felt obliged to be my friend, to stay true to his word when he clearly didn't want to be, to pretend that he didn't think lowly of me just like everybody else. He wasn't pregnant and he wasn't the father and he hadn't even attended that stupid party; he was in no way involved in my situation, so I couldn't understand why he was letting somebody else's pregnancy by somebody else take such a toll on him. I couldn't let it, not anymore.

  "No," my voice was a clear whisper and his eyes snapped to mine. "I don't think you should come in here anymore. I don't think you should come near me anymore."

  "What?"

  "Go back to your life, Chad." I kept my eyes on my shoes. "You're not a part of this and we both know you don't deserve to and shouldn't be. I know you're mad at me, or disgusted by me, or ashamed of me, but I can't change what happened, and I know that it changed the way you see me."

  "Katie-"

  "I know that you feel bad for me." I stopped him. "I haven't had any other friend in a while and I've been throwing all my pain at you every day until we both forgot that it isn't your responsibility to listen or to care-"

  "Yes, it is," he interrupted me "You just said it; I'm your friend, so it is my responsibility to listen and care for you."

  "Then I don't want us to be friends anymore."

  "What?"

  "I know I've been this confused, weak, crying, little girl for a while, but I'm not a kid, Chad, I don't get to be after what I've done. I did this to myself and I have to deal with it by myself."

  "No, you didn't do this to yourself, it takes two-"

  "You're right," I sighed, "but you aren't one of those two."

  We were both silent for a long moment, coming to terms with the reality of the situation. I had no right to have become so dependent on him, and he was under no obligation to have let me.

  "Friendships shouldn't involve this much drama and confusion and twisted stories and gossip and pain..." I continued. "Go back to your life and try to salvage your normal friendships with normal friends; friends that you can go out anywhere
with and wouldn't mind being seen with anywhere and have fun and do stuff with and just feel good and happy around, people that you can stay yourself around."

  "Katie..."

  "This friendship isn't fair for either of us," I concluded. "It's dragging you down and the guilt – on top of everything else that I'm going through – is killing me. I know I've been a mess lately, but I'll be okay, Chad. My girl and I will be okay."

  "You'll be okay without me?" He sounded hurt, betrayed, like he'd grown to depend on our unconventional friendship as much as I had, which was precisely the problem.

  I nodded without looking up at him and leftthe restroom.

  Happy Birthday

  I woke up with a start too early on Saturday and couldn't go back to sleep. I'd had another nightmare about Seth. I couldn't remember what it was or what had exactly happened, just that I woke up with his face in my head and fear in my heart. I tried to stay in bed, but my restrained movement made it too uncomfortable.

  With a heavy sigh, I forced my body out of bed. It was too early and I didn't have any plans for the day, so I took my time in the warm shower and drying my hair. I stopped by the full-length mirror in my room and gaped at my beach-ball-sized stomach. It seemed to be growing by the day. It was getting closer, and I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or scared. On one hand, I would be able to sleep on my stomach again, move comfortably - run, jump, play, dance again, eat normally again, go anywhere that I wanted without anybody looking strangely at me – be invisible again, regain control of my body and emotions, be free from the pain and weariness and judgment and imprisonment in my own body and the awkwardness of feeling something move and shift inside of me. On the other hand, I would have an actual human being attached to me – a helpless little creature that would have no choice but to look up to me and need me for everything and that I would have no choice but to be everything for; I would have to stay awake with her, feed her, clean her, protect her, take care of her, raise her, and be responsible for her every day for the rest of my life.

  But between both horrors lied the most dreaded one of all. No matter how many times I tried or how many nightmares I had, I just couldn't imagine actually giving birth to my baby. I tried to watch some videos but I could never make it past the women's first screams. I tried to read some articles, but I closed them at the first reference to pain or mention of contractions. I couldn't accept the idea of pushing another human being out of my body or having my body ripped open so that another human being could be pulled out. The mere thought had me shuddering and I quickly shook my head.

  I still have time. I tried to convince myself as my eyes remained glued to my stomach in the mirror. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it out of panic or if it was real, but I could've sworn my stomach was pulsing larger and larger with every heartbeat, only enough for me to notice.

  I quickly turned around and looked away. I sat down on my bed, but I felt like my stomach had grown heavier within seconds and was going to outgrow me and suck everything inside leaving nothing but a turtle's shell. I needed to get out of my room and get some air, but I had nowhere to go and it was still too early in the day.

  I decided that moving to the kitchen was better than staying in my room and that maybe something hot would relax me back to sleep. I found mom leaning against the kitchen table with a cup of hot coffee steaming in front of her.

  "Good morning," I mumbled awkwardly.

  "Morning," she nodded, not even bothering with her usual half-smile as she sipped her coffee without looking at me.

  "Where's dad?" I asked her as I heated the milk. My parents always had coffee or breakfast in the morning together.

  "He's spending the weekend fishing with some of his friends." She mumbled back.

  "Fishing?" Dad had never gone fishing before. I don't think the word fishing had ever been spoken in our house before.

  "That's what he said." She sighed tiredly.

  "Is he...?" I took a deep breath "Is he out because of me?" Did it finally get to the point where he couldn't be in the same house as me even if I wasn't around him?

  "Or me," she shrugged. "I don't know anything anymore." She kept looking at her coffee, and I couldn't tell if she was talking about him or me.

  I didn't need the milk anymore. I walked up to my room and suddenly the hot shower and fear and moving down and up the stairs and the smell of the milk and the idea of fishing and the guilt and isolation all caught up with me and I fell on my bed unable to move for hours.

  I woke up some time in the afternoon with my side feeling cramped. I tried to ignore the pain as I sat up in bed. Force of habit had me completing my homework the previous evening so that I would be free for the weekend, as if I ever had anything to do.

  I thought about calling Chelsea, but she hated spending the weekend indoors and I knew I couldn't go out with her; Chelsea liked spending time at the mall or the park or places that were usually crowded. Even if she wasn't ashamed to be seen with me, I couldn't bare the stares of crowds who instinctively judged my round stomach and young age.

  I had no one else to call.

  Josslyn already had plans for our birthday, but I hoped she didn't have any plans for Saturday and would be able to spare me a couple of hours, even if it was just her talking about her boyfriend and irresponsible life, I just wanted to be near somebody – anybody.

  I went down the stairs and heard mom and Josslyn talking in the living room.

  "Come on, dad's not here, he'll never know."

  "No," mom responded with a clearly weak resolve.

  "Just this one time,"

  "Sweetie, you already spend all your days with Kyle," mom reasoned. "I think it's very fair of your father and me to demand that you don't spend the nights with him as well."

  "I won't be spending the night," Josslyn was shaking her head as I approached. "Just till twelve o'clock when it's officially my birthday."

  "Joss-"

  "I swear it's not for me." Josslyn persisted. "Kyle is very sentimental. He likes the countdown to the New Year and doing things at exactly when it becomes the new day so that he could be the first. I don't know why, but these things mean a lot to him."

  "And it means a lot to your father that you respect his curfew even when he's not at home,"

  "No, it never really bothered him until Katie got pregnant. I'm not that stupid."

  "Don't call your sister that," mom reprimanded, probably out of habit than caring.

  "Look," Josslyn sighed. "He wants to give me my present at exactly twelve o'clock where we had our first date. I told him I couldn't sneak out because dad's mad at everyone because of Katie, so I was going to sneak him in."

  "Josslyn!" Mom gasped.

  "But now that dad is not here, we can go with his original plan."

  "You-"

  "Please," Josslyn interrupted. "I swear I won't sleep with him tonight."

  "Josslyn!" Mom gasped again.

  "I promise," Josslyn begged. "I'll just go get my present and be back home before twelve-fifteen."

  "You can get your present in the morning," mom sighed, clearly giving in.

  "But it would mean more to him at midnight for some reason." Josslyn shrugged. "I don't understand him, but I love him. I love him so much, so just let me do this for him and we'll all be happy."

  "If you're not home by twelve-thirty, you're grounded and you can't go out with him tomorrow on your birthday."

  Josslyn squealed as she squeezed mom to her while bouncing in her seat. Mom returned her enthusiasm with a laugh I hadn't heard in so long.

  My sister barely acknowledged me with a smile as she left the room, probably to inform her boyfriend of a much more favorable layout for their night.

  I took a deep breath and walked into the room. I didn't dare sit next to mom, so I sat on the couch closest to hers. She turned to me when I first entered but quickly turned her face back to the TV, pretending to be too engrossed with the commercials.

  Bernetta and Josslyn's many other
friends used to envy us for the relationship we had with our mother. Mom was the cool, up-to-date, understanding, carefree type. We never once had to worry about going to mom with something or getting busted by her. I was there when she once saw Josslyn trying to sneak a guy into her room and she tried to distract dad rather than stop her. I wasn't sure if that was good parenting or not, but it made Josslyn comfortable coming to her with any kind of boy trouble, which was all what mom wanted.

  I wondered if I'd been dating the guy who'd gotten me pregnant and she knew him if she would've been supportive and helpful, I wondered if we would've been able to talk about him now and discuss some kind of future with our baby. I needed her advice now more than ever, and I wished she'd offer it or give me any kind of hint that she would be willing to spear it if I could find the courage to ask for it. I wanted to talk to her about things that I couldn't understand about my pregnancy, about giving birth, about the baby, about school, about Chad, about my life, about me, but she wouldn't even look at me.

  Josslyn soon left the house, probably to go see Kyle and spend as much time with him as she could. Mom never looked at me, and I eventually gave up. I decided to spare her the boredom of having to look absorbed in a soap opera in a language she didn't even understand and myself that pain of seeing her so intent on doing anything but looking at me.

  I went up to my room, but I couldn't sleep again and there was nothing else to do.

  I tried to watch some videos, but I couldn't actually get myself to watch them. I tried to read, but I was so sick and tired and afraid of my pregnancy that day to read another word about it. I tried to catch up with my studies and go over the things I'd missed when I ran away, but I couldn't concentrate on anything and ended up giving myself a headache.

  I stared at my walls, I stared at my ceiling, I stared at my floor, I stared at my clock. It was a very long, very slow day. There was absolutely nothing to do and no one to talk to. I felt the boredom take on a physical toll and my whole body started to ache uncomfortably. I lied down on my floor and cried as I stared up at the blank ceiling, but I couldn't even persist in that for long. I played with my hair, I cleaned my room, I tried to cry again to let some of the tension out, but I couldn't.