Pregnant by My Sister's Boyfriend

by Alice Carina

  "You didn't actually expect her to come here and ask you to stay so soon after everything just because you threatened to leave." My sister defended. Where was her protectiveness and knowledge of my feelings when she spent a night with him, when she spent nights and days lying to me about it? "She probably thinks it's just a way to get her to talk to you or a rumor or something."

  "If she loved me, she would've had to make sure," I had to make sure. "If she loved me, she would've had to say goodbye." I had to say goodbye.

  "I...I don't know what to say."

  "There's nothing to say," Nothing could be said anymore. "Let me give you a ride home."

  "N-no," my sister refused. "It's fine,"

  "No, really," he insisted. "Let me say I did at least one thing right in this whole..." he stared at her stomach and I stared at him.

  "You should stay here," she told him. "In case Josslyn comes."

  "You really think she will?"

  She shrugged and left without another word.

  Kyle sat on the threshold of his front door, looking in the direction Katie had left, the direction of our house, the direction he would've seen me coming through earlier had he been looking.

  He waited for me all night long, and I looked at him all night long.

  We spent the night crying so close to each other, needing nothing except each other, but unable to comfort each other, we didn't have the right to each other anymore, we didn't have each other anymore, we didn't have anything anymore.

  When the sun began to rise, he sighed and finished stuffing the boxes into his car, but he sat back down at his door when he was done, and resumed looking at the road.

  He waited until it was my usual time to wake up for school, and then an hour more.

  He stood up, locked the front door, and walked over towards his car, looked at his watch, then decided to wait a bit more, probably giving me a chance to miss him at school and realize that he was truly leaving. But, after the time for the first two classes passed, he realized that I wasn't going to stop him from going - that I couldn't.

  He got into his car and drove away from me.

  I watched with blurry eyes until his car disappeared, but I couldn't leave. My eyes, my heart, my memories... Every part of me was begging him to turn around and return to me, but I knew that he was never coming back.

  Why?

  With Kyle gone, things changed a bit, not enough for anyone else to notice, but I noticed how my dad's shoulders weren't as tense as before and how his gaze wasn't constantly directed at the door ready to pounce at whoever might've come through, I noticed my mother's lighter steps as if the worst had already passed, and I noticed how rapidly and violently Josslyn was trying to close her wounds, as if she couldn't tolerate or understand her pain and wanted it gone with him as soon as possible.

  She didn't know how to deal with her pain, and one of the people who'd caused it was gone, so she took it out on me.

  She didn't go so far as to actually talk to me, but her eyes screamed hate that I knew I deserved but couldn't help but wish away. It was when she looked at me that I realized that she hadn't looked at me since that day at the hospital; she'd been avoiding me at home and at school where she took her pained glaring out at Kyle. When she looked at me with so much misery, so much loss, so much anger, so much hate, I felt the urge to run away and hide, I would've gone anywhere if I could just so that I'd never have to see that look again. I understood why Kyle ran away.

  As the days passed, she became more desperate in her pain, unable to believe that she was still feeling it and unable to spare me what we both knew I deserved more than her.

  If we chanced to be walking the same hall in school or at home, she would walk by faster, push me violently against the walls or lockers as if she hadn't seen me and go on her way just as quickly.

  She was walking with a full tray in the cafeteria once and pretended to trip near my table and spilled her hot food on me, but she didn't fake an apology for the sake of everyone watching or hesitate for a heartbeat, but went on her way.

  I opened my closet one morning to find most of my clothes cut and torn. There was nothing left in there but tight clothes from before my pregnancy that looked ridiculous on me. I put on one of the biggest shirts I could find, but it clung to my stomach too tightly and didn't even fully cover it. I didn't want my classmates to have more reasons to look at me, to think that I thought I looked 'pretty' like my clinging shirt glittered and mock me for it, but the alternative would've been to stay at home with my dad and not see Chad. I went to school feeling stupid, embarrassed, and very uncomfortable. Chad offered me a spare shirt of his that he kept in his locker at the gym and I waited for him in his car to get it, but I felt weird and uncomfortable all day long with the image of me in my own shirt under it stuck in my head.

  On another day, I was walking towards my locker when I saw something scribbled against it in red. My steps slowed as I approached it and I dropped my books when I read the words blinking at me in red lipstick; Female dog. It could've been the doing of Flynn or anyone who'd been in that class that day or anyone who'd heard about it. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my sister's doing, but I knew the way she wrote her 'o' like a heart and her 'g' like an eight.

  Several people paused and stared as I stood in front of my locker unable to hold back my tears. They left when the bell for the next class sounded, but I couldn't move.

  I shared the next class with Chad and, when I didn't show up, he came to find me.

  "This is getting too much," he shook his head.

  Chad didn't approve of the way I'd been letting Josslyn get away with hating me however she saw fit, he thought that she was half to blame since she was kissing another guy that night and knew that I couldn't have known any better, but I couldn't stop her; I wanted someone to hate me and be mean to me to make up for having Chad who liked me and was nice to me. I knew I didn't deserve him so I needed that kind of balance. Even if I wanted to stop her, what was I supposed to do? Defend myself? I already pleaded guilty and everybody knew that I was. Ask her to stop hurting me? I'd already hurt her so much deeper than she ever could. Talk to my parents? They were doing worse to me by doing absolutely nothing.

  There wasn't really anything to do but cry, and I couldn't seem to stop doing that.

  "No, no, don't cry," he hugged me to him. "It'll get better," his tone was softer, "everything will go back to normal soon."

  Soon, I would have another human being with me, physically capable of crying and voicing her discomforts and her hatred towards me when she found out the truth. Soon, I would have a baby, nothing about that was normal, I was never going back, and I wanted to go back so badly my whole body shook.

  "Katie, please stop crying," he tried wiping my tears. "This isn't healthy for you or your baby." I sniffed and tried to nod. "Go wash up and wait for me, I'll be right there."

  I did as he asked and went to the restroom, throwing cold water on my face and trying to take deep breaths. I told myself that I had to hold it in, if not for myself because I knew I was only getting what I deserved and if not for my baby who couldn't yet voice her displeasures, then at least for him, my boyfriend who didn't deserve a whining, crying girlfriend complicating his life when he deserved nothing but fun and joy. He was already sacrificing too much to be with me, I didn't want him to sacrifice his peace of mind too.

  I waited for him like he'd asked, but he took a lot longer than I expected to follow me.

  "Let's go," he took my hand in his.

  "Where are we going?"

  "Out,"

  "What?" I tugged back at his hand and stopped, forcing him to look back at me. "I can't go out, you know that."

  "You haven't been anywhere for too long it's starting to take a toll on your emotions. You're stuck between the same walls with the same people who make you feel bad; you need some fresh air, some new faces."

  "I know, but my dad-"

  "He won't know," he shrugged. "The teache
rs are used to you skipping classes when you're feeling sick, and I'll have you home at your usual time after school, so no one will know."

  "But-"

  "Consider it a date, Katie," he started moving forward again. "You need this. We need this."

  When we walked past my locker on the way out, it was wiped clean from any sign of mockery or hatred, he'd only kept the 'o' that looked like a heart and it blinked warmly at me for a moment as we rushed by.

  There was no one at the front desk and it was close to Lunch so the janitor didn't give us a second glance.

  "Where do you want to go?" He asked as we got into his car and exited the school.

  "Somewhere spacey,"

  "Spacey?"

  "Yeah, somewhere with a lot of space," I explained. "I'm so tired of walls and tight spaces and everything being in the way."

  First, he took us to a drive through and doubled what I'd ordered because he knew that I'd been eating much more lately but was too shy to admit that around him. Then, he took us to the park.

  I almost lied down and rolled across the grass. I could run, or walk around and around and around, or laugh loudly, or jump, and nothing would get in my way and nobody would stop me or hate me for it.

  There weren't many people around at that time of the day. Kids were in school and adults were at work, so it was just a few mothers and nannies with toddlers and the occasional elderly.

  Nobody knew me. They didn't know I was a school girl who stupidly got pregnant. For all they knew, I could've been older and just looked young. My hands were hidden by my food, so for all they knew, I could've had a ring on my finger and Chad was my husband. I hadn't been out of the house and school in too long, I hadn't been around people who didn't know me and had no actual right to judge me in too long. It felt so freeing.

  Chad and I sat at a bench that was in view of the sculpted fountain. I could see the green grass, I could see the bushes and flowers, I could see the fountain clearly and I could see beyond it into more greenery, I could see the blue sky and the scattered white clouds, I could see people and there was enough distance between us and them to hide us from their judgment. I could see so many things, I could see space, space that made me and my stomach seem small in its space, and I could've stayed there forever. There was enough room there for me and my baby and Chad and everyone who didn't hate me. If my dad found out and kicked me out, I could've lived there with as much space as I could ever need.

  "We'll come here for Lunch everyday if you want," Chad assured me when it was time to leave and my smile deepened as I nestled closer to him.

  "Chad?" We both stiffened when we heard the surprised voice. "What are you doing out of school?" I looked up and found a slender woman in her thirties approaching us. She had Chad's eyes and hair color. Or, rather, he had hers.

  "Hi, mom," he straightened.

  "Who's this?" Her eyes followed his arm around me, and quickly dropped to my stomach in horror. "What have you done?"

  "Mom, I can explain," he started and I quickly moved away from him, knowing what it must've looked like to his mother.

  "Who are you?" She almost screamed at me.

  "I-I... I'm..."

  "Her name is Katie," Chad answered for me. "She's my girlfriend. I told you about her."

  "That's Katie?" She pointed a shaky finger at me. "That's the girl you haven't stopped talking about but forgot to mention that you'd gotten her pregnant?" She was screaming by then, scared and furious and disbelieving.

  "He didn't get me pregnant," I quickly defended him, but instantly regretted it when her wide eyes turned to me. "It-it's not his baby."

  She gasped as her body trembled faster.

  "You-you're dating so-meone who's pre-pre-pregnant with someone el-se's baby?" She stuttered on a whisper and looked on the verge of fainting.

  "Mom, please, just sit down," I quickly got off the bench as Chad helped his mother onto it.

  "Why?" She whispered.

  "She's still the same girl I told you about, mom. Remember when you said she sounded amazing and that you were happy for me?"

  "Amazing?" She breathed. "Amazing?" She screamed. "That's amazing?" She pointed to my stomach. "She's a... a... She's pregnant, with another man's baby. Look at her," she looked at my face with horror, "she's a baby who's having a baby."

  "You had me when you were fifteen," Chad pointed out, "and dad always says that you're the most amazing thing that ever happened to him."

  "I-I... Are you joking right now?" She screamed. "Your dad got me pregnant, and we were in love. He didn't find me pregnant with some random guy's baby and thought I was amazing."

  "But what if he had?" Chad challenged. "What if you'd gotten pregnant by someone else and then met dad, would he have thought you were any less amazing?"

  "But I didn't get pregnant by somebody else," she fought, "I didn't get pregnant by someone I didn't even love and could move on from to someone else while still pregnant," she glared at me and I winced at her words.

  Chad stood between me and his mother's glare.

  "Remember when you told me that you realized you could never be with anyone but dad when he was there for you during the pregnancy?" His voice was pleading. "How everyone else judged you and grandma kicked you out but he took you in and never left your side no matter what they said? Mom, nobody else can understand the pain she's going through right now more than you. You needed dad back then, and she needs me."

  I felt like I was intruding on a private part of their lives. His mother didn't even know me and I was learning everything about her family life.

  "Is this some hero issue that you have?" She stood up with anger. "Do you feel like you need to be a hero for someone who needs it so that you can have love? This isn't the way it works, Chad."

  "I-"

  "Your dad stood beside me because you were his baby, too." She interrupted him. "It was his job, his duty to be there, and I loved him for taking responsibility for his actions. You don't have any responsibilities. You and I both needed your dad, just like this girl and her baby need whoever made this happen, not you."

  I took a step back.

  "What if he hadn't?" Chad countered. "What if dad had left you on your own to face everyone who hated you and judged you alone?"

  "I..." She trailed off. "I was lucky that that didn't happen."

  "But had it happened," he stressed. "Had he left, he would've been the one at fault and you would've hated him, but nobody else would've cared. That wouldn't have made you any more at fault or any less amazing for someone who cared about you."

  I took another step back.

  "Had he left," his mother stepped closer to him. "I would've dealt with whatever had happened on my own without dragging anybody else down with me."

  I took two more steps away.

  I was dragging him down with me...

  "But you didn't have to," Chad commented, "and neither does she."

  "Have you completely lost your mind?" His mother yelled again. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Or to her? She's in a very delicate situation and she's going to grow more dependent on you and you'll just hurt her more when you leave."

  "I don't plan on leaving."

  I had to leave.

  "Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?" She pulled at her hair in frustration. "When she delivers that baby, she won't be on her own anymore. They'll be a whole family and they're not yours. Why would you take on another man's family?"

  "It's not another man's family." He fought back. "It's her family. This isn't about him, it's about her."

  "Why would you limit yourself to her? To her family and her mistakes?" I took another step back and she took a deep breath. Her voice was calmer when she spoke again. "You're still young," she put a hand to his cheek. "And you're so handsome and nice any girl would be lucky to have you. You should be free. You should be dating and having fun and being young and free of responsibilities and complications that you didn't do anything to deserve. Y
ou should grow up and fall in love and get married and then decide if you want to have kids when you're emotionally wiser and financially stable and they're yours."

  "I don't want any other girl," he pulled himself away from her.

  We'd been sitting at the bench closest to the road so that we'd have more of the park - more of the space - to look out at.

  I was partly on the road and I saw a cab nearing.

  "You're too young to make a call like that." She shook her head. "You're infatuated with her now, but you'll grow out of these feelings in time, but it might be too late to step back then. You have no idea what you're sacrificing."

  "Do you regret what you sacrificed for me?" He asked and I heard her gasp.

  I waved the cab over without a sound.

  "You don't get to say that," her voice was quiet and he lowered his head. "I sacrificed everything for you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat because you're mine. You're mine, Chad. I love you more than you can ever imagine and I want you to feel this way about your own child someday, but you're still too young and you'll never feel that way about someone else's baby."

  "I don't know how I'll feel about my kids some day or hers, but I know how I feel about her."

  "Why are you doing this to yourself? To me?" She sobbed. "I sacrificed my life and my freedom when I kept you so that you could have a life and be free. Why are you throwing it all away?"

  "I'm not throwing it away," he stepped closer to her and looked her in the eyes, "I only feel alive and free when I'm with her."

  "You can be with any girl in the world and have your own babies with her and have a normal life, why are you giving up everything I'd ever dreamed for you for her?"