by S. C. Wilson
“Almost three months.”
Aponi shook her head. “Jesse no welcome child?”
“She doesn’t know. I don’t know how to tell her. She knows I had been seeing someone before she came back. I never told her we had been together…like that. Just when I thought I finally had my life together. Now, everything is ruined.”
“Tell her. She may welcome child. Child gift from Great Spirit.”
“She doesn’t want children. We’re going back to Ely in a couple days. I know someone who can help me get rid of it.” Abby placed her hand on her stomach. “She’ll never have to know.”
“Oh, Abby, I think you should tell her. Maybe she welcome child.”
“The last time we talked about children, she said they were too big of a responsibility. A burden. I don’t know how she’ll take the news that Sam and I were—”
“Jesse loves you. You need to tell her.”
“I know she does, but this could ruin everything. I just don’t know what to do.”
Aponi comforted Abby late into the night, trying to persuade her to confess the truth.
The next morning, Jesse found Aponi seated on one of the stump chairs outside. She took a seat beside her. “Could you do me a favor? Abby and I are leaving tomorrow. I’ll need the horses to bring back a lot of supplies. Can you stay here with Toby until we get back?”
Aponi nodded. “Yes. I will stay.”
“He’d probably be fine staying by himself, but I’d feel better about leaving if someone were here with him. Just in case. We’ll be back as soon as we can.” She leaned in closer to her. “Did Abby say anything to you last night about what’s been bothering her? Does she not like it here?”
Aponi stiffened. “She likes being here. Living on top of a mountain takes some getting used to. You should talk to her.”
“I’ve tried. She says everything’s fine, but I don’t believe her. Something’s bothering her.”
Aponi glanced toward the door, making sure they were alone. She leaned over and whispered, “She’s—”
The door flung open and Abby came rushing out. She barely made it off the porch before being overcome by another bout of morning sickness.
Jesse gently rubbed her back. “You poor thing. I wish it were me.”
Not if you knew the truth, Abby thought.
“I will make you some tea,” Aponi said.
“I feel fine now. It passed.”
Aponi shrugged her shoulders. “Well, I make you some anyway.”
Jesse led Abby back inside. It took several tries but she managed to convince her to get back into bed. She took a seat on the edge and placed her hand on Abby’s forehead. “Are you sure you’re going to be up for making the trip tomorrow? Maybe Toby and I should—”
“I’ll be fine,” Abby said with a snap in her voice. “I have to go.”
“I’m just worried about you.”
Abby held Jesse’s hand. “I’ll be fine. Promise. Don’t worry.”
“I’ve been thinking. I want to tell Edith about me. Who I really am.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I think she’ll understand. I want to be me again. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore.”
“I don’t know how she’ll take it. Some people might not be that understanding.”
“I think she’ll be shocked at first, but I think she’ll come around and understand why I did it.”
“I hope so.”
“If I don’t leave the mountain next year, that’ll give my hair time to grow out. Then, in two years, who would even recognize me?” Avoiding resistance, Jesse switched the topic. “Aponi is going to stay here with Toby. That way we can get more supplies loaded on the horses. We’ll need to stock up on what we need to get us through until we go back.”
“Sounds like you have it all worked out,” Abby said, tone pregnant with irritation, her moodiness a side effect of her condition. “You feel comfortable leaving Toby here?”
Jesse smiled. “He’ll be just fine. You know he…never mind.”
“What?” Abby asked.
Jesse’s smiled widened.
Intrigued, Abby asked again, “What? Finish your sentence.”
Jesse’s mouth opened and then closed. She had considered telling Abby of her brother’s feelings for her, but decided not to say anything. There was no reason to make things awkward between them. “Pretty women just make him nervous, that’s all.” Her smile vanished. “Are you sure you’re all right? You haven’t seemed yourself lately. Are you having doubts about living up here? Do you want to stay in Ely?”
“No. That’s not it. I’m happy here with you. Actually, I’ve never been happier.”
“Well…what’s bothering you then?” Jesse reached down and took hold of her hand.
Abby stared wordlessly for a moment. “Do you ever think about what you’re giving up, being with me?”
“I don’t feel like I’m giving up anything. I have you and Toby. I’m happy living here and can’t think of anything else I could ever want or need.”
“Children, Jes, do you ever think about having children?”
“I’ve never considered it. Is that what’s wrong? Is that what you want?” Jesse asked, brows raised.
“Uh…no,” Abby said, hesitantly. “I was just wondering how you felt about it. That’s all. We’ve never really talked about you wanting children of your own.”
“Abs, my life is complete the way it is. I don’t want children. I guess I wasn’t born with those instincts. Please don’t think I’ll ever have regrets about that.”
“All right. I just wanted to make sure,” Abby said, her tone somber.
Jesse went on to reassure her. “Don’t worry about that. Ever. Things are perfect just the way they are.” She leaned down and kissed Abby’s forehead, only slightly convinced she had found the source of Abby’s irritability.
Chapter Three
Jesse rolled over, hand instinctively reaching out. Still half asleep, the cold, empty space in the bed surprised her, but did not immediately alarm her. Only as her waking brain recognized her surroundings did she realize what was missing. Abby.
She bolted upright. There was no sign of anyone besides Toby, who still slept soundly on a blanket in front of the fireplace. She pulled pants over her long underwear in a state of panic, barely getting them up before rushing outside.
Relief washed over her. A familiar silhouette sat outside on the porch.
Abby, lost in an attempt to bring order to the chaos in her mind, hadn’t heard the door open. She jumped when she felt Jesse’s hand on her shoulder.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jesse said. “Did you get sick again?”
She placed her hand over Jesse’s. “No. Just couldn’t sleep.”
“Are you sure you’re up to making this trip?” Jesse took a seat on the carved stump beside her.
She nodded. “I’m ready to get it over with.”
“Do you want some coffee?”
“No, thanks. I already had two cups of Aponi’s special tea. It really helps, but,” she leaned over and whispered, “it’s not very good.”
Jesse couldn’t help but smile, her tongue going dry at the memory of acrid native remedies. “Believe me, I know. I’m just glad it helps. She showed me how to make it. I tasted the plant she uses and it really is bitter. I had to spit it out.”
“I wanted to, but decided to give it a try. I haven’t felt this good in days.”
“Good. Now maybe you’ll be able to keep some food down. You hungry? I can heat up something. It will be our last hot meal for a few days.”
“We probably should.” Abby tilted her head toward the door. “Are they still sleeping?”
“Toby is, but I’m not sure about Aponi. She’s still in the loft.”
“I don’t want to wake ‘em. I’ll wait ‘til they get up and then I’ll whip us up something.”
Jesse stood. “I’m going to start getting ready.”
“Are
you going to cut your hair?” Abby asked.
“Yes.”
Abby got up, too. “I’ll do it.”
“I don’t have scissors. Have you ever cut hair with a knife?” she asked, placing her hand on the sheath hanging on her hip.
“No, but I’ll do my best.” She raised an eyebrow. “If I mess it up, I’ll just shave you bald.”
“You’re kidding…right?”
“Of course. Hand it here.”
Jesse cocked her head, unsure, but drew the blade and handed it to her. “Just a trim. And don’t cut your finger. The blade is sharp enough to shave a frog’s hair.”
Toby walked outside, yawning and rubbing his bleary eyes with the palms of his hands. “I could use one of th-those myself,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.
“You may want to wait and see how she does first,” Jesse said, chuckling as she looked up at him.
“Ha, ha. Very funny.” Abby tilted Jesse’s head back down. “Now hold still so I don’t cut off your ear.”
Jesse flinched slightly as Abby separated a wide lock of hair from the side of her head and severed it with a quick slice. “Toby,” she continued, chin resting on her chest, “you want us to bring you anything back?”
“I c-could use some clothes.”
“I already thought of that. Anything else?”
“Naw, don’t think so.”
Abby stepped back to admire her handiwork. While it was technically a trim—Jesse’s hair was considerably shorter—the only thing good about the uneven rat’s nest was the smiling face beneath it. Loose tufts and cowlicks stuck out from various parts of her head.
“Well. How’s it look?” Jesse asked.
Toby chuckled.
“Shush,” said Abby, getting back to work with the knife. “I’m not done yet.”
Having figured out the basics of cutting hair with a knife, Abby spent a few minutes getting Jesse into presentable condition. This time when she stepped back, her heart fluttered. The short-haired beauty in front of her looked much like the Jesse she first met and fell in love with.
Finished with Jesse’s hair, Abby grinned at Toby and patted the old stump chair with her palm. It was his turn.
“I’m going to heat us up some food and start getting ready,” Jesse said.
“This shouldn’t take long. We’ll be in shortly.”
As she cut, she noticed the scar running along the right side of Toby’s forehead. The violent wound demanded her attention. Trying not to look only seemed to make her more aware. Disturbing as it was from a distance, up close it was even more unsettling. The red and withered flesh was hideous in itself, but it was also a symbol of the evil their family had experienced. Although what she had gone through with Silas had been terrifying, she knew it was nothing compared to what Jesse and Toby had been through.
As ugly as it all was, it gave her a glimmer of hope. If they could overcome their tragic pasts, then somehow she would get through her current situation.
Jesse packed a few items in their saddlebags. Necessities only; they’d need plenty of room for the return trip. She did a quick tally of the money tin, but didn’t find nearly enough to get everything they needed.
She put the money in her pocket and reached for another of Frieda’s tins. The weight surprised her, as it always did, when she pulled it from the shelf. Inside, the gold Frieda had saved sparkled. Jesse selected the smallest chunk and replaced the lid. She reached to set it back on the shelf, but hesitated.
They needed to stock up for two years on the mountain. It might be smart to take two nuggets. She chose another piece, placed them both in her pocket, and returned the tin to the shelf. She hated to use the gold but hoped Frieda would understand. It wouldn’t be wasted on luxuries, only necessities.
After the four shared a morning meal and finalized some last-minute details, Toby and Jesse went to the paddock and saddled the horses. Aponi used the opportunity to plead with Abby one final time to tell Jesse the truth.
“You need to tell her, Abby,” she said. “Jesse may welcome child. She loves you.”
“I know I should tell her, I just…” Abby paused. She really didn’t know what to say or do.
Toby and Jesse came back with the horses, saving Abby from trying to finish the thought out loud. Aponi pleaded with her eyes. Abby looked away.
They hugged their goodbyes before Jesse and Abby mounted their horses. Toby and Aponi watched them fade into the woods, their final wave disappearing behind the green curtain of forest.
Low-hanging clouds covered the mountaintop, and a light wind, thick with the scent of pine, whistled along the slopes, rustling the trees. The horses descended, Buck leading the way along the familiar path, their pace steady. They moved in silence broken only by the snap of twigs beneath hooves.
Abby hadn’t been herself in days. Jesse could see the difference, but each time she asked, Abby reassured her everything was fine. Jesse decided not to pry. Abby would open up to her when she was ready.
During the entire trip down, Abby prayed silently: she prayed for guidance, she prayed she was doing the right thing, and most of all, she prayed Jesse would never learn what she was about to do. It wrenched her heart in every direction. She felt so twisted inside that at any given moment she didn’t know which way was up or which path led the right way.
Never had Abby given much thought to having children. She hadn’t even thought it possible after her abusive husband’s best efforts had failed. Now, being with child was the only thing she could think about.
On the third evening before they crossed the river, they bedded down, waiting on the moonlight to help guide them. Jesse tried to take advantage of the privacy. Abby hadn’t let her touch her since they’d bathed in the stream two weeks ago. It wasn’t from a lack of trying.
Spooning her from behind, Jesse brushed Abby’s hair aside, exposing her neck. She kissed the soft skin. “I’ve missed you. This,” she murmured, desperate to focus her attention on other areas. She felt Abby quiver against her body.
Abby, body covered with goose flesh, wanted nothing more than to make love with her. Raging hormones flooded her. She felt dizzy from her desire. Trying to resist her advances was physically and emotionally painful. She pulled Jesse’s wandering hand tightly around her chest. “Jes, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad.”
Jesse leaned up on an elbow and looked at her. “I’m not mad. I just can’t figure you out sometimes. Are you having doubts about us?”
Abby rolled over and placed her hand on Jesse’s cheek. “Not one. Being with you is the only thing I’m sure of.”
“Then what is it? I’ve missed being with you. I finally get you all to myself and you don’t want me touching you—”
Abby cut her off. “That’s not it. I love when you touch me. I just have a lot on my mind. This is all a big adjustment for me. That’s all. Trust me, once I take care of a few loose ends, I’ll be back to myself. Can you be patient with me, please?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not you, it’s me.” She rolled back over and snuggled into Jesse’s warm embrace. Soon it will be over, she thought, releasing a long, calming breath.
“Get some rest, Abs.”
“You too, Jes.”
Of course, neither one could relax. Although their bodies lay close, their troubled minds wandered in opposite directions. The chirping of crickets went unnoticed by both.
Jesse saw all the possible reasons why Abby could be so detached from her. Terrible scenarios flashed through her head, but the worst lingered like an unwanted guest. What if Abby doesn’t love me anymore?
Abby wanted nothing more than to break down and cry. She considered telling Jesse the truth, but fear once again choked the words from her. She placed a hand on her stomach, an almost-protective habit she had developed.
Then it happened, or so Abby believed. Maybe it was caused by fatigue, or a mind overworked with too ma
ny worries. Either way, Abby could have sworn she felt something inside of her move, the tiniest shift. A confusing mixture of panic and elation filled her.
God help me, she silently agonized. You can’t have both. It’s either Jes or this baby.
Abby prayed she was making the right choice.
They rode into town with darkness descending over them like the awkward silence that had loomed throughout the trip.
Abby leaned in her saddle and placed her hand on Jesse’s leg. “Good luck telling Edith. Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
Jesse took her hand and gave it a kiss. “Yes. I think it’s best if I tell her alone.”
“All right. You have a good night and I’ll see you in the morning,” Abby said before turning toward The Foxtail.
Jesse got Buck settled into a stall for the night and headed inside. She found Edith in the kitchen, setting the table for supper. She lingered in the doorway until Edith noticed her, the shock knocking cutlery from her hand.
“Oh my God! I have been worried sick about you. Where have you been? Did Abby find you? Is she all right?” The questions spewed from her mouth.
“We’re all fine, Edith. Really. Here’s your rifle. Thanks for loaning it to Abby.”
“Where is she?”
“At The Foxtail—”
“Abby said you might have been hurt. Said you got into a nasty fight.”
“I had a run in with someone from my past,” Jesse said, beginning the story she and Abby had come up with for this moment. “Words and blows were exchanged. When it was over, I knew my face was messed up. I didn’t want anyone to see me looking like that. I went home. I shouldn’t have made everyone worry. I’m sorry.”
“I’m just glad everyone’s all right.”
“Edith…why don’t you have a seat?” Jesse said as she pulled out a chair. “I have something to tell you.”
Abby dismounted, tied Titan to the hitching post in back of The Foxtail, and entered through the rear door.
“Abby, no one has seen you in weeks!” Jules said. “Where have you been?” She pulled her close, her face painted with a mix of worry and relief.