LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  1:49PM: ex-boyfriend said ‘meg i won’t even have to keep you away from me cause tom waits is on.’ i said ‘noooooooo.’ jogged to bed and burrowed under the covers. tom waits made horrible noises, then the DJ asked him about pirates. i said ‘has any rapper ever been like, ‘i’m rap’s scallion?” ex-boyfriend said ‘that’s good’ and went to make coffee.

  1:53PM: dressed in black leggings, black american apparel dress, black cardigan, two long gold necklaces. this is a ‘look’ i see mira and chelsea wearing. unsure if i can do this look. i like trying. i like ‘all black.’

  2:20PM: entered dining room with picnic table, where ex-boyfriend was sitting with two mugs. he said ‘well, look at you,’ narrating himself in tonally oblique way, like some kind of feigned act of appraisal. i snort-laughed and said ‘yeah,’ not knowing why. emotional music was playing. i asked what he’d do after we’d moved. he didn’t want to talk about it.

  i told him when i met him in 2009 and he was living with his girlfriend in this really nice apartment in brooklyn, i’d thought ‘whoa, that’s what life can be like? every day they just wake together in this place, and do these things, and talk to these people they like, and this is just normal?’ he said that even then he felt bad. he said ‘i remember like, drinking beers on the porch before work and feeling bad. i was just starting to be disillusioned or something, now i’m fully…whatever.’ i thought about him and me and how our lives have changed since we met. felt hotness and water behind my eyes. he picked up a long, white, rolled paper and said ‘look at this thing.’ i said ‘whoa, look at it,’ hearing my voice trying to sound okay. with a defeated expression, he said ‘i don’t know, maybe i’ll move to new york again.’ we were quiet for a few moments. i said ‘i’m going to do something potentially alienating right now,’ as i moved to sit beside him. i hugged him and said ‘i’m glad i at least got to know you for a little while.’ i don’t like that i said the alienating thing, i should’ve just. or. i don’t know. i don’t like that i did that, any of that.

  2:20PM: debated walking to library. i said we should drive because we need to buy cat food, because the cats ‘are depending on us.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘they have dry, look,’ pointing to uneaten dry and crusted-over wet food. i said ‘you know they’re not going to eat that.’

  driving to operation ava for cat food, i said ‘do you think either of us are going to find, like, true love?’ he said ‘i am.’ i said ‘do you think i am?’ he said ‘maybe with someone gay. in some kind of, like, alternative set-up.’ i said ‘what do you mean, like an actual gay person?’ he said ‘i don’t know. it’s going to be an alternative set-up.’ i said ‘i think i found it before.’ he said ‘oh, with that idiot?’ i said ‘no i think i had it with [person]. and maybe. like. there could be again. i don’t know.’ i felt bad saying all of this and like i was hating myself for saying it but was unable to stop. i said ‘so, i wonder what she’s going to be like: your person. okay. she’s going to have to read john o’hara, and know as many books as you know, and be really pretty but not wear make-up, have a steady job.’ he said ‘you’re being stupid right now.’ i said ‘i know, i’m sorry.’ a reggae station was on the radio the whole time. i parked next to kaplan’s deli and operation ava. i said ‘oh no, i can’t go in there, they know about the annie thing’ (gave annie, my other cat, to a shelter after taking her to the vet at operation ava).

  2:30PM: ex-boyfriend entered kaplan’s carrying blue plastic bag. i said ‘they didn’t have everything bagels so i got you a poppy one.’ he said ‘they didn’t have cat food so i got dog food.’ i said ‘are you serious’ and tried to look in the bag, which he kept jerking away. i said ‘you got…you really got…’ and he was smiling and said ‘yes’ and i said ‘we need to return—or, i mean. wait.’ he said ‘they were out of cat food. really. you honestly, really think they were out of cat food. over there. there was no cat food.’ i smiled and said ‘oh jeez’ or something but felt a little bad.

  3:30PM: parked on 15th street. ex-boyfriend said ‘look at the bud light eagles can, oh my god.’ i could barely see it was ‘eagles’-themed. he said ‘it looks so small, around the other things, oh my god.’ i loved the can and loved ex-boyfriend and that this was happening. i said ‘yeah, it’s like—the label is facing out, it’s showing us.’ he said ‘yeah. i can’t believe it’s there.’ it looked like it was a person on the street, lost, maybe selling something. i said ‘i want a picture,’ meaning just the can. ex-boyfriend jogged to pose by it. he gestured to the can, i took a picture without him gesturing. put picture on instagram. felt excited for other things like the can, that we could find. felt my brain gearing up in a certain way…to look for interesting things with a person…that i like to do, but know i can sometimes ‘go overboard’ and annoy people. i think it’s usually one of the first things people like and grow to hate about me, in romantic situations, because i’m like…always doing that, always wanting to do that…just say stuff…like ‘look at that thing, it’s like that thing is something else’ then invent ‘something else’ scenarios, ideally together, but. yeah this seems to annoy people eventually, always. people always want to stop doing that. it’s like they get the joke but i like the things that…it can stop being a joke of ‘it’s something else’ and evolve into even more ridiculous things…untapped potential for everything to become ridiculous scenarios, always…so. i can see myself being annoyed with a person who does it as relentlessly and sometimes insensitively, to like, other dynamics, as i do it. like if i can sense the person feels bad but i feel good i’ll still want to do it—sometimes because i think it can make them feel better, more often because i’m bored with them feeling bad.

  3:32PM: walked to ‘fresh grocer.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘entrance and exit. when you go to the exit you also exit, but when you go to the entrance you enter. enter.’ i laughed and said things. he said ‘this is where the energy things are’ and i rubbed my hands together fiendishly, knowing he doesn’t like energy drinks. i like to jokingly exaggerate things he doesn’t like. i saw ‘xyience xenergy drink: official energy drink of the UFC,’ which is my favorite, not only because its name is so ridiculous and it’s the official drink of the UFC, but it tastes really good. i selected one of each flavor (cran razz, blue pom, mango guava—most places usually just have two flavors but fresh grocer had all three, i was excited) like a madman. i laughed like a madman, i think, fake madman-laughed.

  said casual things about our surroundings while walking to the self-checkout line with the least people. ex-boyfriend said ‘a lot of people buying things today. this is the day they want the stuff.’ i said ‘yeah. remember when we were here with atcolv [what we call andrew colville]? and the cheese-its?’ he said ‘yeah. he seems to snack a lot.’ i said ‘yeah. i can see him snacking a lot. it’s what keeps him so tall.’ ex-boyfriend laughed. there was a big box of discounted books. i said ‘do you think there’s a john o’hara book in there?’ he said ‘maybe, probably. i wouldn’t want to date a girl who liked john o’hara. he’s like. it’s nasty to like that.’ i said ‘i thought that was the thing about me. or like, or one of them. that i never wanted to read john o’hara.’ he said ‘no, no’ and shook his head, then made a comedian-like face and said ‘that was definitely not it,’ referencing all of the other things ‘it’ was, i think, maybe seriously.

  i scanned the energy drinks on the self-scanner and put them in a bag. ex-boyfriend inserted coins into the machine before i could. i inserted a five dollar bill and the overhead music changed to, like, old timey vaudeville music, like ‘speakeasy’ music. i struggled with inserting the one dollar bill. i said ‘the music is perfect for what i’m doing.’ the machine printed my receipt and a nickel flew out into the coin return area. i made a groucho marx face and pointed at the coin dispenser and said ‘keep the change.’ ex-boyfriend ran to get the nickel, fueled by his (what i consider) neurotic want to not waste things.

  3:37PM: walking to temple university campus, out of nowhere, ex-boyfriend
said “forty going on sixty’ would be a much more interesting concept, to me.’ i smiled and said ‘yeah.’ passed a building, the entire back of which seemed missing. sheets in its windows were like, blowing in the wind. i said ‘that building is so good, i want a picture,’ and took one. ex-boyfriend said ‘yeah, like. jail is the only place where you’re not supposed to leave. you’re supposed to leave, like, city halls or libraries. everywhere wants you to leave. but not jail. it’s the only place where they won’t let you leave.’ i smiled, said something in agreement. felt good things about him, like, ‘shit i’m going to miss being around someone who thinks like this.’

  said things about people going to school at temple. a man was running. one of us said ‘yeah, better run to that place you’re going,’ and we said things like ‘yeah get there fast, guy, the faster you get there the better, you don’t want to be late for that thing you’re going to.’ there was some building, like, a dorm-like building. i said ‘temple commons, party in temple commons tonight, don’t forget your busch light,’ then paused and said ‘no one has ever said that, i’m the first one.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘oh, really?’ i sensed he sensed i was starting to do the thing were i get carried away with trying to find interesting things to say.

  3:40PM: entered a student center-like building to find ex-boyfriend’s bank. he said ‘do you think the bank will be open?’ not knowing or caring if it would, i said it would. he walked ahead. the only others in the building seemed much older than us, seated in scattered gatherings of chairs. almost took a picture of an extremely, cartoonishly old-looking man who i pointed to discreetly and said ‘albert einstein’ about, to ex-boyfriend as he withdrew money from an ATM. ex-boyfriend seemed mildly irritated. i thought ‘just be quiet for a while, don’t be the first to say something for a while, maybe show him you don’t need to be around him, it’ll get better,’ and walked to a glass window completely covered in a modern-looking decal about office supplies. i stared at a box that said ‘LAMIN’ above ‘ATION.’ thought about taking a picture. two people sat near the decal. i thought they’d see me taking the picture and. something. they seemed to be communicating with each other non-verbally, not noticing me. one of them stood and the other began gathering things. ex-boyfriend waved from the ATM, about 30 feet away. i walked to him. i said ‘it’s depressing in here.’

  3:41PM: walked through a set of library doors to an area where the ceiling seemed high, and looked like it could’ve contained some kind of security device, though i somehow knew it didn’t. saw a man in a suit. ex-boyfriend said ‘let’s go in the other way,’ and we walked out the doors. i said ‘yeah, seemed too official.’ walked to the other entrance. saw closed-looking ‘food station’ with interesting use of ellipsis.

  3:45PM: sat in wheel-y office chair among open-looking ‘quiet zone’ of cubicle-like fixtures that i said looked ‘better for computers.’ ex-boyfriend said he was going to work upstairs, where he went last time.

  4:50PM: minimized screen when i sensed ex-boyfriend approaching my computer station. he nodded like ‘whoa, okay, you crazy person’ and i smiled and tugged his arm and said ‘hi bingo.’ i didn’t let go of his arm and he spun me around in the chair. he kept looking like ‘you crazy person’ at me and i kept smiling. i said ‘what, do you want to read what i wrote?’ and made screen visible again. he shook his head ‘definitely no’ and backed away. felt aware of silence. i said ‘how long do you want to stay here?’ and he shrugged, now seemingly intentionally not saying words, and i kind of pulled his lower arm and said ‘i want to stay here a long time.’ he nodded slowly and walked away, making a face like he had just heard someone say ‘i’m going to burn my lottery winnings and jump off a cliff.’ i made little laughing nose-sounds as i watched him walk away. it feels like we’re both kidding all of the time, acting the parts of something. hard to discern when one of us is serious, unless we’re arguing or i’m crying.

  5:36PM: peed. i like using the same stall every time. it’s like ‘hello again, old friend.’

  6:18PM: feeling guilty for typing so much about what we’re doing.

  6:32PM: going to work on cover letter now.

  7:03PM: ex-boyfriend approached, saying something about library closing three minutes ago. he stood by me while i gathered my things, said ‘you can pee in fresh grocer, come on, let’s go,’ continued walking. i gathered my things and jogged to him, noticing people still seated at cubicles.

  he said he didn’t do much at library. i said ‘i’ve just been writing about everything since last night,’ aware of walking fast to match his pace. he said ‘good.’ we passed the temple commons building. he said ‘busch light’ and i said ‘busch light headquarters.’ sometimes he acts impatient like this. i wanted to be like ‘where are you going, what’s the urgency,’ and benignly negatively compared him to the running man we joked about earlier.

  8:00PM: near the fresh grocer sign were smaller signs for ‘deli,’ ‘produce,’ ‘frogro: sushi.’ i said “frogro,’ like how people say ‘rofo’ about royal farms.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘frogro…’ i said ‘rofo.’ he said “deli’ means…’ placing my hand on his shoulder, i said “deli’ means never having to say you’re sorry.’ he said ‘oh god,’ looking up and to the left, as if for an answer to ‘when will it stop.’ the automated doors opened and we walked inside. he said ‘would it be better if atcolv was around right now, to just. it would be another person? would that make me feel better?’ i said ‘i can go home, i don’t have to be here.’ he said ‘no, i’m sorry, we’re having a nice time, i’m sorry.’ i said ‘i don’t want to make you feel bad just by being here, it’s really no problem for me to go.’ he said ‘no honey, i’m sorry,’ pointing to an ambiguously restricted bathroom area.

  there was an increasingly bad feeling as we walked around the produce section, talking about what to buy for dinner. didn’t agree on much other than ‘i wish i never had to think about what to eat.’ i wanted to make food together or go to a restaurant, which he didn’t want, so then i mostly didn’t want to be in the grocery store. i said ‘i’ll just eat whatever’s left of my smoothie and buy fruit,’ sounding petulant. he said ‘there’s no point in buying more olive oil, i’m only going to live here for another week.’ we looked at bagels. he said he would just make rice and beans. i said ‘i want a bagel for later. no i don’t.’ he said ‘you want this, this egg bagel?’ i said ‘no that shit’s yellow, fuck that shit.’ felt increasingly bad, wandering produce aisles, watching him walk fast. i paused aimlessly in front of a melon display. watched ex-boyfriend select a green pepper, then walked to him to resume walking together. he said ‘i feel like i’m going to cry,’ smiling a little. ‘me too, i feel so bad,’ i said.

  in the car he said ‘i just had a bad day at the library. you had a good day.’ i said ‘yeah but i didn’t actually do anything like, important, that i said i’d do. what are the actual things that are making you feel bad right now?’ he expressed a vague sense of unrest and underlying futility about a lack of motivation to do anything creative, let alone life’s more practical daily demands, managed easily by others. he asked why i felt bad. i was surprised he asked, in a way that distracted me from answering the question.

  i said something like ‘worried about my future, sad about now, i don’t have anything to look forward to anymore.’ he said ‘i don’t even get the concept of ‘looking forward to’ anymore, like, what will happen? it’s just temporary comforting things until the inevitable thing.’ i said ‘yeah, that’s what i mean by ‘nothing to look forward to.”

  parked by our apartment. seemed hard to exit, to want to go inside. the car in front of us had a funny permanent-looking ‘for sale’ decal on the back window, like ‘for sale’ almost in cursive. i turned off the car. it was quiet. i said ‘we have to go inside now.’ he said ‘do we?’ i leaned over and hugged him. he said ‘a hug is just like, being outbid on ebay.’

  inside we seemed to feel worse and worse, saying things to each other that indicated vagu
ely, some kind of hopelessness. in the kitchen i hugged him from behind and said ‘now your back will be warm.’ he said ‘i’m being outbid on ebay.’

  i opened the fridge door. there’s a watermelon in there that’s been there for months, i think. seemingly months. it’s what has been smelling bad about the kitchen. earlier one of us had said we thought the watermelon was what’s been making the kitchen smell bad. i said ‘i want to throw it out the window.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘like where i threw up’ (before the library, he had shown me that he vomited macaroni and cheese out the bedroom window onto part of our roof—the apartment is such that…we have two floors, kind of. there is an area where you can vomit out the window and it will land on our roof).

  i said ‘no, like, right out here, throw it out this window.’ he said ‘we can’t do that.’ he said ‘should we take it to the park?’ i grinned and said ‘yeah.’ Somehow…we became committed to this. taking the watermelon somewhere. he said ‘here, put it in this shitty bag,’ and handed me an urban outfitters tote bag. he said ‘was that…did that come with like, a thirty dollar purchase or something?’ i kneeled by the fridge and said ‘no, fuck, i don’t know,’ breathing through my mouth to avoid the rotten smell. holding a whiskey bottle, he said ‘i’m bringing this, so we can have a toast, after we throw it. toast it after we throw it.’ he placed the whiskey in a plastic bag. i said ‘yeah, yeah, good idea.’ i stood and held the bag. he said ‘what park should we take it to?’ i felt a new kind of energy in the space between my eyes and his. i said ‘penn treaty?’ he said ‘yeah, penn treaty, good. i’m feeling better already.’ i said ‘me too.’