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by Megan Boyle

  4:49–5:21pm: mom called before I wanted to leave parked car. Told her about the interview and audition thing last night and today and Amahd and my credit card and other things. Felt hard to talk the same way it sometimes felt hard to talk with everyone today, only a little more stressful, more like when the times I felt ‘Ren & Stimpy’-like talking last night and on job interview. Like I wanted to race to the end of certain sentences before they started. Talking is hard. Hard when it’s not always Amahd. Imagined Amahd giving birth standing up in a hospital gown but…like I felt sympathy pains for him, or like it was kind of happening to me too.

  Stared at two raindrops during the conversation, thinking ‘if i can mentally will them to join together it means something good will happen to me.’

  There is a point where anything becomes exhausting or redundant. Think something is missing from my brain. I’m stupid kind of, like actually stupider than most people in some way. Has something to do with the long amount of time it takes me to translate thoughts into language, combined with not storing…phrases…something…I rely on things like ‘things’ or ‘something’ or inflection or gesturing or facial expressions, conversationally. Like. I trust that that’s what’s getting me understood, mostly. The overall look/sound, not just words.

  Brain feels caught between ‘awareness of intricate interpersonal things/sensitivity to environment/background less-immediate-feeling abstract worldview’ and ‘slow to process those things into language/bad short-term memory/forgetting what I’m saying if I’m saying words to another person for more than maybe 20 seconds non-stop.’ it’s okay when I’m alone. Short-term memory gets affected when other people are around, it’s like too much data…my RAM is not good.

  7:02–7:36PM: mom called. talked more extensively about job interview at callahead.

  8:51PM: phone keeps vibrating. irritating. noise sensitivity marathon.

  9:51PM: I’m still typing about today, probably not going to elaborate on 12:56-2:45pm.

  9:52–11:59PM: did not update.

  MAY 12, 2013

  12–2:00AM: looked at internet and felt ashamed of myself. chalky eyes. bad bad headache and no pain helper pill. cats asleep on bed. colin texted about a ‘welcome to the building dinner’ at his apartment later today. wearing a white, men’s size-large, old navy t-shirt that says ‘MONDAY NIGHT BEER RUN’ under a vague-looking football graphic. i found it on the ground near travis’ apartment after zachary and i finished moving the couch there. we were looking for a neon green tool bag. zachary was worried about losing the tools because they weren’t his. think i was responsible for the tool loss. i was in a good mood and not paying attention. then i saw the shirt.

  STATISTICS:

  • # hours slept since may 9: close to five

  • # mg adderall eaten since may 9: close to 100

  2AM–4:39PM: made and uploaded two videos of myself talking to youtube. want to…do…something else…shit. i don’t know.

  6:43PM: colin texted that food wouldn’t be ready for 25 minutes. fed kitties. looked in freezer, at two pie-like ikea desserts i had bought (and apparently bitten twice) on xanax. i could bring him chocolate bar or half a cucumber or a miller lite, there are other people there, oof.

  7–11PM: i was the fourth to arrive at colin’s ‘welcome to the building dinner.’ a freshman finance student and an ex-MTA worker in a wheelchair were the two other guests, both from the fourth floor. the freshman finance student had made the dinner, lemon chicken, in his apartment, and brought it downstairs. his self-proclaimed ‘fancy food interest’ was unconsciously snobby, but his unselfconsciously socially anxious affect made his interest in ‘fancy food’ seem not snobby at all. like, he clearly didn’t think he was better than anyone—we were causing him anxiety. the MTA man had brought a large bottle of wine. he said he and colin used to sit together on the boardwalk, before the hurricane. i said ‘the MTA is a union thing, right?’ he said it was. a few years ago on the job, he had experienced some kind of neuromuscular paralysis. he thought he had gotten it from driving the trains—something about the motion from the trains—he later discovered it wasn’t from that. the MTA man and colin smoked marlboros and used a clam shell ashtray. i said ‘have you guys seen the fishermen on the highway,’ and a long conversation about fish followed. the ‘fancy food’ student talked about ordering eel from somewhere overseas. he kept saying ‘they overnight it.’ people didn’t seem interested. i felt bad i wasn’t interested. colin and the MTA man knew about fish from growing up fishing. at some point i was talking about making smoothies in the morning. the MTA man said ‘i need to be healthier, my sister says i need to stop smoking.’ i said i would make him smoothies. at the end i got his phone number and apartment number. i like him. he said he just turned 50. i figured out my sister is almost 50. at one point he said something that sounded like ‘black flag’ and i said ‘black flag? like the punk band?’ the MTA man said ‘no’ and smiled like he knew what i was talking about. colin and ‘fancy food’ student were having a separate conversation. veterans. the government paid for their college. they said being in the army showed them ‘the worst case scenario.’ like when you think things are really bad, the army showed them ‘it can always get worse.’ we joked about that a little. i remember saying ‘now you know for sure that it can get worse’ and grinning and thinking i was being insensitive.

  MAY 13, 2013

  12AM–10:16PM: did not update.

  10:17PM: watching thunder vs. grizzlies. i have a lot of local programming channels, like over 15 i think. local access. spanish. watched something called ‘new york originals,’ where they talk to store owners in new york. this episode featured emlee umbrella company and a hobby shop. nice people. nice things. the owner of emlee umbrella company stressed that their umbrellas were ‘made for shade from the sun.’ that was good because i wasn’t sure at first, maybe they made rain ones, rain ones seem to have the market. his grandfather started the company in 1933 and he is an old man.

  pictured myself applying for a job at the factory…saying to the owner, something like ‘i saw your factory on ‘new york originals’ and i must say i fell in love, the mission behind…your years of service…quality product, [lie about being a seamstress via the umbrellas are the big beach umbrellas and made by hand], i want to make sunshade umbrellas.’ most of the jobs i’m thinking about doing are like that, like ‘i’m a person just like anyone, i can do stuff, i don’t need to show you a degree to show you i can do stuff just like any person. doing stuff with my hands.’ i would like a job like that. i feel underqualified for things like that and underqualified for ‘data entry’ or other things. definitely can’t be a teacher. do not recommend ‘taught by me.’ also no degree. no experience. experience laying down. if i don’t have something else by the end of the month i’ll apply for food service. also feel underqualified for that.

  11:45PM: i should learn spanish. i’ve wanted to learn spanish since 2006.

  MAY 14, 2013

  12:06AM: men’s wearhouse commercials still feature the ‘you’re gonna like the way you look, i guarantee it’ guy. memory of the men’s wearhouse at towson town center, trying to see who worked at men’s wearhouse, to see if i thought i could work there.

  12:10AM: drinking second beer. almost done. miller high life. finished mug of whiskey that had been on windowsill by bed, making it smell like whiskey since ‘apartment building dinner’ night.

  12:43AM: matthew donahoo tweeted he felt less lonely during the playoffs. @-ed back and forth during overtime.

  12:57AM: memory of driving on york rd. to apartment in baltimore, july 2009, after work then buying a red backpack at towson town center, texting with brandon gorrell. stopped at discount liquor store outlet.

  1:02AM: they should hire the oldest living NBA player to announce games. or just some 102 year-old man, almost incoherent, saying sometimes poignant nonsequiturs.

  9:26AM: woke maybe ten minutes ago to alvie. watching ‘repo games.’ the guy reposses
ses your car. last night i ate three bleaksedillas and fell asleep watching something i forget. spilled beer on mattress. feeling bad and like it’s too hard to do anything to feel better. the bad feeling is for no reason maybe. writing helps a little. no i’m annoyed. i don’t know. want to be asleep again.

  9:35AM: the man on ‘repo games’ just said ‘there is another superhero on an invisible plane and a lasso of truth so deductively it must be wonder woman.’ he said he had a 180 IQ. it’s his ex-wife’s car. teenage boys with no shirts came out of their house first. they live with…the ex-wife has a boyfriend and the ex-husband has a fiancee and they all live together. he said he reads a lot of sci-fi books.

  12:44PM: woke from nap. ‘repo games’ still on. dreamed i was yelling ‘it’s just harder for me to do some things’ at colin. he had found out i had lied about something on my apartment application. he was also upset that i wasn’t a christian.

  12:51PM: looked at phone even though computer was a few feet away. funny voicemail from rachel bell from last night. another number has been calling me every day saying ‘call us for your estimate on the roof remodeling.’ they always say to call a different number than the one that left the message.

  1:01PM: the ‘repo games’ premise rules. i’d be so happy if every time before something shitty happened to me i had the chance to be asked five unrelated trivia questions and if i got three out of five right the shitty thing wouldn’t happen. wonder whose idea this was. i like the repo men in the show. they got to take a cop’s car. they talk and look like pro-wrestlers. the people are always yelling and confused when the repo men show up.

  1:05PM: the repo man is flirting with a girl. she said ‘can you give me a ride to work?’ he said ‘what time does hooters open?’

  that reminds me, i dreamed a misogynistic joke the other night, keep forgetting to type it:

  i saw a table where two women were watching another woman read a jonathan franzen book aloud. i said ‘that’s the only way women know how to read.’

  1:10PM: IDEAS FOR THINGS TO DO TODAY:

  • take the ferry to wall street, go to library, look for jobs

  • see if mira wants to hang out

  • read on the beach

  • stay inside

  • laundry

  • eat adderall or xanax or vicodin or opana to motivate me do any of these things (even staying inside option…seems…like it requires something)

  • shower

  • respond to emails or write something that isn’t this

  3:03PM: answered ask.fm questions. life seems so stupid…my life…haha…the repo man needs to bust through my door right now

  oh my god if the repo man busted through with a camera crew

  ‘your life is about to be repossessed, you have not been making payments’

  ‘oh no, has it really been that long?’

  ‘yes m’am, but i am giving you the opportunity to reclaim it: just answer three out of five of these trivia questions correctly’

  at this point it always seems like a person walks out of the house to help the person getting questioned

  my cats would like, try to run out the door, at this point in my show

  do my cats think i’m also a cat

  5:15PM: watched maria’s ‘draw my life’ video. paypaled her $20. maria is the first ASMR person whose videos i watched. ASMR people have been uploading ‘draw my life’ videos. getting to watch a memoir comic/graphic novel. and they’re narrated and written by people i know, kind of. people i subscribe to on youtube. maybe this is the thing people feel when they say something about how i’m doing this. like ‘oh cool i get to know a person more.’ maybe. not saying this well.

  sun is coming out. made spinach/cucumber/banana/avocado/coconut water smoothie.

  7:47PM: laid with closed eyes. i didn’t do anything on the list of things i could do. oh shit no, i did, i did ‘stay inside, doing nothing.’ gave cats treats. turned on lights. watching knicks vs pacers. want to eat pizza or do something ‘bad’ to motivate myself to be ‘better’ tomorrow. wonder if credit card works yet.

  7:50PM: i did do something: looked at pictures of people i was friends with at depaul. i was friends with a lot of people in the acting school my first year, kind of accidentally/coincidentally i think, because i had auditioned for the acting school but didn’t get in. they all still seem to be friends. shit.

  8:41PM: answered ask.fm questions. swept floor. knicks losing. i like stoudemire. they did a voiceover about his eye surgery and about how his first game in months is in the second quarter of the playoffs and how he has to be playing really hard, showing him sitting between (guy he was talking to) and shumpert (staring into court, who they’d earlier said ‘there’s no physical reason for him to be sitting out right now, maybe his knee started acting up’)

  8:45PM: called pizza place. they close 10PM. going to try my card at an ATM, then if it works, order something. eating 1mg xanax before leaving apartment.

  8:49pm: walking to ATM. I’ve been inside since Friday. Forgot to eat Xanax.

  8:55pm: man watched me swipe. Didn’t see car where I thought I’d left it. Walking to ‘potential car area’ now, to get the scoop. Canvas the scene. That would really take the cake.

  8:57pm: I see it. Okay.

  9:02pm: trying to discern something boring about parking. Pizza will will arrive in 40 minutes. Maybe I will get beer. Okay.

  9:04pm: THINGS I HAVE PASSED:

  1. Small Rottweiler style dog and fluffy white dog ‘kissing’ each other in a yard.

  2. Older gender-neutral couple who I first thought had developmental disabilities when I saw them clutching each other after I got money from the ATM but now I just think that’s how they do things. Strong new York accents, both maybe 5’4”, short hair.

  3. Vanilla-scented girl I ignored due to her ‘extreme seeming to look at me.’

  4. Old woman with walking device.

  5. Old man sitting on the curb, smoking cigarette and sniffling. i was also sniffling, smoking e-cigarette. thought ‘solidarity’ at him vaguely/meekly/in the tone i’ve been thinking ‘go knicks.’

  9:25PM: bought 12-pack budweiser, sabra ‘supremely spicy’ hummus, vitacoco ‘decieves many into thinking it’s healthy’ coconut water. cashier with voluminous black hair in a hairnet said ‘you younger than you look’ and ‘don’t drink too much’ twice. it was like a big ass outer brain of hair. it looked ‘fly.’

  girl was entering the elevator as i was entering building. she made a face like ‘should i hold this’ and i jogged and she said ‘take your time.’ she asked me what floor and i said ‘two, please.’ she made a face like she thought something. i said ‘i know it’s just two floors and all, i’m just, [noise] tonight.’ she said ‘i’m on the second floor too.’ i asked her for how long. ‘a few months.’ i said i’d just moved in. her name is crystal. HERE IS THE BIG RESULT, THE ULTIMATE…OF EVERYTHING, OF CRYSTAL AND ME: we like the apartment building. we consider it ‘nice.’

  9:33PM: knicks lost. people on TV are milling around in desultory postgame haze. stoudemire sitting alone on a bench, holding a towel. something twinkled in left side of my peripheral vision. gchatted zachary. door buzzed.

  9:45PM: pizza ass. pizza man asked if i wanted change and i said no. $13 tip. i don’t know. they never come all the way up to your door.

  MAY 15, 2013

  1:15AM: fell asleep around 11PM. put on ‘the office’ and ate pieces of chocolate bar.

  4:42AM: woke again. now the news is on. cats fought and i stared at alvie like the crying indian in those commercials and said ‘noooo.’ ate 1mg xanax. missing zachary and philadelphia apartment. pictured waking there 4:40AM instead. we would’ve ordered shittier pizza and there wouldn’t be leftovers. maybe he’d be snoring and i’d go to the other room and turn on TV. in the morning i’d be on the couch and the wheelchair man with no legs at the corner store would be yelling ‘i’m on a highway to hell.’

  4:45–6AM: downloaded ‘secre
tary’ and fell asleep watching. rewound to where i had fallen asleep and fell asleep again. shitty ‘it’s morning again. the morning is gray’ feeling.

  1:12PM: woke around 30 minutes ago. answered ask.fm questions. someone said they thought drugs have been affecting my moods. annoyed at this person, not on drugs. ate 1mg xanax. enjoying leftover pizza slice ‘as much as i can,’ knowing it will feel shitty when it’s over. wish i had coffee. they should make an energy drink you can brew at home. dreamed something ‘high stakes’ like there were landmines or something everywhere.

  A PLAN YOU AT LEAST NEED TO DO PART OF TODAY:

  • go to petsmart for carpeted ‘kitty tower’ structure, cat food

  • maybe look for a table at goodwill

  • maybe go to the library or somewhere in NYC other than your beach ass island

  1:23PM: should i vomit the pizza and xanax and start over with adderall. hm. considering. answering two emails before anything.

  2:30PM: ate b-vitamin, zeolite, ‘brain/memory’ herbal tonic. smoked e-cigarette. not going to vomit. might go to hot yoga. the pizza feels bad. yearning for someone i don’t know. listening to song on sam pink’s blog on repeat, reminds me of some feeling i don’t know how to articulate, like something from childhood i can almost remember.

  2:56PM: drinking kale/cantaloupe smoothie.

  3:09PM: sitting on kitchen counter. wrote this for a long time the night of may 11:

  WAYS I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE: EASIEST/LEAST STRESSFUL (FAVORITE) TO HARDEST/MOST STRESSFUL (LEAST FAVORITE)

  • saying immediate thoughts/feelings, passive observations about surroundings

  • reviewing ‘what happened last time I saw you’

  • making jokes, riffing, ‘what if…’ scenarios

  • [if I talked to more kids maybe ‘talking to kids’ would go here]