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11:55pm: remembered i had left a bag of clothes and my guitar at dad’s apartment when i got to mom’s. drove to dad’s. the fake teeth security guard was there with a ‘cop buddy.’ i was on the phone with dad. the guard didn’t remember me maybe, motioned for me to stop so he could write down my license plate number. the cop said ‘you know, when you see a cop you have to at least pretend to not be on the phone.’ i sort of hung up. made a face and said ‘i know i know, i’m sorry.’ the cop said ‘he’s writing down your plates so i can give you a ticket.’ i said ‘really?’ he said ‘no, just pretend better next time.’ the security guard saluted me (for people just tuning in, he always salutes).
MAY 18, 2013
12:32am: dad helped me transfer clothes from the broken bag to two bags. we looked for a capo and a tuner. then we were standing by my car for a while. we seemed to be prolonging conversation intentionally, maybe. dad reminded me to get my oil checked.
dad always wants to show me how to check the oil. when i was little i liked watching him wipe the dipstick with the paper towel and put it back and take it out again and kind of turn it and say ‘looks about right.’ he also used to cut open vitamins. there would be a bunch of vitamins on a paper towel and he would dissect them with his pocket knife. he is always ready to help cut something open with the pocket knife.
i checked my oil and dad watched. i did it right. i put in a quart.
12:33am: fake teeth security guard saluted me and i saluted back. haven’t felt confident that my ‘salute’ would not look like a ‘heil hitler’ until tonight. he said ‘have a good night hon.’ dad calls him ‘captain [something].’ now i know a captain is almost the highest you can get the navy. now he is a security guard. this and the previous thing and to some degree all the stuff i’ve written about dad sound corny. it didn’t feel like it.
1:14AM: walked inside mom’s a few minutes ago. she’s been watching youtube videos of the international space station. she said ‘there’s gotta be long periods of nothing, i know there needs to be, before you feel like something makes sense, you know. before you feel like you fit somewhere. i know, it’s happened to me a lot. there are just these periods.’
5:41AM: snorted 40mg adderall. thought it’d work better since stomach is full.
6:27AM: it would maybe be bad to enlist today since i didn’t sleep and i have adderall eyes.
9:01AM: took a break from typing a few hours ago to figure out why i thought ‘may 16’ was important. found the number of an abortion clinic in gmail. looked at text messages. on may 16th i texted zachary ‘it’s the building attached to the bank’s apothecary…suite 202’
he was parking the car. the place was hard to find. the next text from him is five days later, about work.
i’m not trying to make a big deal about this. i am thinking a lot of clichés. it’s a cliché to get sentimental about ‘anniversaries.’ also hard to not think about this right now. reading old emails and chats and text messages, knowing how things turned out, the stuff we weren’t paying attention to seems so obvious. all the parts where he was trying to pretend he wasn’t getting more and more disappointed and i was trying to pretend everything was okay. getting drunk and arguing and apologizing the next day. i’m the worst. ‘the one who took the ship down.’ real sinker.
it’s childish or uninformed to think ‘one person is responsible for a relationship failing.’ i know it’s not just one person. blahballah.
10:15AM: TWO THINGS:
1. i hate it when the computer or the google says ‘look, it’s a new thing, this is how it works, click this box to make this window go away. i said click this box to make this go away. you need to click it. you can’t do anything until you click it. i need to know that you understand that i am doing something new for you, i am showing you my new thing i made just so you have an easier time with me, HM, do you like that, do you…can you at least show me you NOTICED my EFFORTS by CLICKING this SIMPLE, EASY-TO-CLICK BOX, TELLING ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE IMPROVED FOR YOU?!?!?!’ I’M NOT ASKING FOR YOU TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN, JUST NOTICE SOMETHING I DID FOR YOU, OKAY?’
2. would think perfect geometric shapes would grow the same way as plants, like why is there no ‘cube patch’ where families take pictures of themselves picking ‘cubes with cubic leaves’
(#2 is a little lofty)
10:47PM: mom has entered room twice this morning.
TWO MOM INTERCEPTIONS:
1. mom said ‘can i ask you a science question that i don’t think you’ll know the answer to and that probably doesn’t matter?’ i said ‘sure.’ she said ‘alright. well. so, with all of this sea salt, the sea salt has gone up in popularity. we’re all buying sea salt. and i used to buy morton salt, you know, because they said it had iodine in it, which is supposed to be good i guess. but does that mean…? with all of this non-iodized salt now, that we’re suddenly eating—or rather not eating—iodine. so what does that mean?’
2. mom said ‘do you know of a movie that came out this year, that’s about two people who just almost get to talk to each other? you see their lives, like how they would talk if they could? because they’re in parallel universes? but i think they can see each other though.’ i said ‘is it that one, ‘another earth?’ they actually see another earth in the sky, and the girl killed the guy’s family?’ mom said ‘no, no—no. but that’s what got me thinking of this one. i think because we’ve been talking about space too and i don’t know. well, so no, so in this one—i think it’s recent, this year, two-thousand thirteen—so you can almost see how the guy and the girl will get to meet and they’re so close to meeting, you get to see them—the guy is on this one end of the mountain and the girl is on the opposite end and their [motions] hands get to touch. does this sound familiar?’ i said ‘sort of.’ looked up the list of ‘parallel universe’ movies. keep picturing a movie poster that’s mostly blue, like swimming pool blue, surrounding a mermaid woman with blonde hair and outlines of ‘different earth spheres’ across her body and the movie is called like, ‘eu’ or something.
11:05AM: licked finger and inserted in nose, to probe for adderall crumbs. harvested ‘sweet taste.’ neurotic concern about ‘wasting’ close to 2mg that is now trapped in nose. i could bite close to 2mg from the last 20mg. 2/20ths of an adderall. to ease. to quell my stingy fiending mind. yuck.
TWO RESPONSES TO THINGS:
1. ‘marie cattoway’ posted a facebook status update saying: ‘Do any women actually enjoy getting oral…seems made up by men’
I ENJOY GETTING ORAL!!!!
orgasms caused by another person doing something to me:
98% oral sex
1.9% finger sex
0.1% penis vagina sex (think i’d remember it, if it’d happened, allowing for 0.1% not-remembering error)
it’s fun to say ‘penis vagina sex.’
vaginal penis sex…vagina penis…(just trying that out, honestly doesn’t matter which one comes first, both are equally funny to me) (‘vaginal penis’ is not funny to me but i haven’t really thought about it) (penis vagina)
2. read article about how it’s legal for women to be topless in public now, it’s discrimination if…what normally happens happens
that’s cool
imagine the person who ogles men’s chests the way breasts will be ogled before they look ‘normal’
you could make a case that it’s less socially appropriate for men to be bare-chested because their nipples would’ve grown into breasts if they had remained ‘XX’ chromosomes, like they’re freakishly underdeveloped
if you are a topless female ever i am going to ogle you hard because i bet you will look sexy and i like to look at boobs and sexy stuff!!!!!!
not kidding!!!!!!!!
11:52PM: refilled coffee. talked with mom about ‘why do insurance agents keep leaving me voicemails to follow-up on my online inquiries,’ ‘has the attorney called you about the accident settlement yet,’ ‘horoscopes’
12:49PM: going to us
e this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to tell the world i don’t care about craft beer, but i also don’t care about ‘anti-craft beer,’ like, ‘reclaiming shitty beer as cool american heritage beer,’ or any beer
also don’t care about wine
also don’t care about coffee
what are other things people care about…
i don’t care about macs vs. pcs
i generally don’t care about the quality of things
1:52PM: what else
2:01PM: i don’t care about lateness
2:03PM: i don’t care about being ‘female,’ that’s a big one people care about
2:24PM: walked to kitchen to recharge e-cigarette battery, thinking something like “umbilical’ and ‘unbiblical’ are similar. more could be said about this. ‘unbiblical cord.” the bagel mom offered me yesterday was still in the toaster. i said ‘they call it ‘smoke juice.” mom laughed like a heiress having a ‘marvelous time’ at a gala, then said ‘yeah.’ i said ‘smoke juice.’ she said ‘what are you saying?’ i said ‘the people—‘johnson creek,’ it’s called, i think—that make this [gestured with e-cigarette], they call the insides ‘smoke juice.” mom said ‘they call what?’ i said ‘the water, the liquid nicotine stuff. in here. i like it: ‘smoke juice.’ it sounds cool.’ mom laughed the same way and said ‘oh, that is cool.’
2:41PM: afraid to drive to NYC. want to keep partying with mom. planning to going to naval recruitment office monday.
5:12pm: heard movement in the kitchen after maybe ten minutes of silence, then mom’s voice, sounding both distracted and consoling, say ‘soon it’ll seem like nothing.’
5:23pm: re-toased bagel while mom put away groceries. Spread cream cheese and said ‘I know you’re embarrassed and anxious about me writing about you and you don’t want to read it yet but I just want you to know you have nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re my best friend.’ mom said ‘oh-ho-ho. Oh no. You’re my best friend too Meggie, since you came into my life.’ Felt heat behind my face and it was hard to stop looking at cream cheese. Gave mom big hug.
Mom took a box of toothpaste from a grocery bag and walked to me. She said ‘now, do you know how long it took me to find this? I figured out it has to say the color, it has to say ‘radiant white,’ it has to say it’s white. Because I bought this other kind and it was blue, there was all this blue gook everywhere, yuck. I know it doesn’t matter but I just think that’s not what whitening toothpaste is supposed to be! And then I made the mistake of buying this other kind that turned out to be ‘psychedelic orange.”
I said ‘was it orange flavor too?’
She said ‘yes, it was. It was really, really sick.’
She told dad about the astronaut video but she didn’t think he’d like it. I said ‘he definitely won’t like it if both of us told him about it.’
5:42pm: wandered around ‘looking for things,’ stalling drive. I said ‘I can’t find my water bottle lid, it’s black.’
Mom said ‘I’ll help you look for it, it’s black? A black lid?’
I said ‘yeah, definitely a black lid.’
Mom said ‘black lid, definitely, definitely a black lid’ in ‘rain man’ voice.
I said ‘yeah because it’s definitely a black lid.’
Searched different rooms at a similar pace, saying things in ‘rain man’ voice. She said ‘do you want these? I found them in the car and they are [funny voice] so not me,’ holding a pair of glasses that looked sort of like Zachary’s. I said ‘I’ll take them, sure. Were they grandma’s?’ she said ‘you know, they very well might’ve been. They very well might’ve been, because I don’t know how they ended up here. Your grandma used to like to steal other people’s glasses, at the end of her life.’
I said the black lid was probably at my apartment. Mom said something about a case of water bottles in the garage, then ‘don’t bring them up, I’ll have dad bring them up.’ Picked up case of 36 small water bottles and started walking up stairs. Mom said ‘oh honey you didn’t have to lift those things.’ I said ‘I know, it just seemed easier for me to do it.’
Mom said ‘what would I do without you’ in funny voice.
I said ‘you would be okay, you would just be dehydrated.’
She said ‘I wouldn’t pee.’
5:45–9:25PM: drove.
9:30pm: emailed Juliet that I’d be online in 30mins for Skype interview. Parked ten blocks south of apartment.
10:30PM: i like the walk from 108th st to 118th st. a lot of open windows, unnamed stores, hurricane-damaged buildings that look easier to forget than repair. passed a tattooed woman leaning out a window, looking somewhere i wouldn’t go, facing the same distance.
a crowd of kids were playing a running game on my street. i live at the end of a dead end street. funny. smiled at the kids and felt close to them in age. attempted eye contact. if they’d seen me they’d probably think ‘creepy adult.’
fed cats and cleaned their box and heated pizza slice and drank a beer and downloaded skype. juilet said she was grading papers and would be available whenever. going to sign in to skype.
MAY 18, 2013
1:20AM: have been talking with juiliet. interview portion was short. wish i had typed jokes. she told me about ‘cock docking’ and showed me pictures, then we showed each other pictures of vestigial tails and ex-boyfriends. i felt happy imagining her life.
drank three beers. forget how we ended up talking about bill clinton. i said we should bet on how old he’s going to be when he dies.
HOW OLD WILL BILL CLINTON BE WHEN HE DIES:
• megan: 92 (all-in).
• juliet: 87, 92, 93. definitely not 89, 90, 91, 98.
we didn’t discuss money but he is currently 66.
1:48AM: looked at clock.
2:11AM: fiev beers two pizzasloices
2:57AM: brushed teeth turned off all but rainbow lights has been 40 or something hours since i slept
3:13AM: UTI feeling taped cabinet doors shut to stop alvie from trying to open.
12:00PM: woke, ate chocolate thing, gray sky, going back to sleep.
3:19PM: woke from what felt like three-day long dream. featured sex. bunk beds. race track/locker room. ate more of the chocolate thing. it’s almost gone. shirley is kneading next to me, running her motor (purring) hard.
4:18PM: cleaned cats’ water device.
4:46PM: ate bonsai dwarf pizza. typing comments on tao’s flickr photostream via ‘it’s always nice to see someone has commented.’
5:00PM: do not foresee leaving apartment today.
7:03PM: commissioned tao to make a version of ‘fucked tuna’ art, did other internet things, fed cats, read ‘slapstick.’ thinking of today as ‘getting ready’ for navy tomorrow.
7:27PM: zachary texted ‘Is you in ny and have a set of hump’s keys with you’ i texted ‘Yeah/yeah.’ don’t want to drive or shower.
7:41PM: mom is visiting tuesday for two days. tomorrow i’ll go to the navy and get car inspected. then it’ll be tuesday and mom and i will go out on the town. good two days coming up.
9:24PM: ate an orange.
MAY 20, 2013
1:28AM: have been reading ‘slapstick.’
1:37AM: zachary, then a number i didn’t recognize called. called zachary back. he’s at a ramada inn in queens with stephen. at some point i said ‘you guys should just come here’ and he said ‘i wouldn’t do that.’ he put stephen on the phone. i said ‘mo rocca inn’ or ‘ramada mo rocca.’ stephen said they ate burger king and drank dom perignon with his parents. told him about finding the chartreuse on the street and he knew, zachary had forwarded him my email. i said i couldn’t open the bottle. he said he could open it. zachary was on the phone again. he said ‘so you got your macbook pro,’ then an address, then ‘that’s how it’s like in queens, it’s like [number] dash [something].’ typed addresses in google maps. he said ‘if it’s going to be more than twenty minutes i mean, don’t do it.’ directions loaded. i said ‘google
says thirty minutes,’ ‘and also my car is ten blocks away,’ ‘and also i’d like to shower before.’ he said ‘no you can shower after i do stuff to you.’ looked in mirror. pulled elastic ponytail holder and watched greasy hair fall to shoulders. thought ‘he likes it better ‘down.”
asked if he was drunk and he said ‘am i drunk? are you talking to me?’ he asked if i was on birth control and i said ‘yes’ and he said ‘well definitely come over.’ i said ‘i don’t want to do it with stephen in the room’ and he said ‘stephen needs to get ice.’ i said i would come.
1:42AM: put hairbrush back on sink. stood. didn’t know what i wanted to do. looked at things in bathroom. thought ‘i should refill it with a new toilet paper roll, for in the morning. i’ll want that.’
1:43AM: called zachary. asked if he’d had sex with anyone since the last time i saw him. he said he had, with two people. asked when. he said ‘like, i don’t know, six-to-twelve hours ago.’ i said ‘oh. okay, i don’t think i can have sex with you then, i don’t want to come over, i’m sorry.’ he said something i forget. we hung up.