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Page 51
2:16PM: mom called to say she was worried about potential employers googling me and seeing i’ve written about doing drugs, reporting me to police. i said ‘i’ve taken that into consideration.’ she said ‘i know when you’re feeling depressed it feels like nothing you do matters, but please just think—just remember that someday something is going to matter? i think?’ i said ‘okay. i know. thank you for saying that, i think i know. i might delete it. i go by ‘margaret’ on applications anyway so. also it’s like that thing, when women get raped but there’s no evidence, they can’t prosecute the guy? i could just say all of this is fiction.’ she said ‘yes, yes! can’t you say something—you could preface your liveblog with ‘this is the fictional crazy account of, i don’t know, a demonstration, of a fictional…’ i laughed a little. i said ‘i might say that.’
4:29PM: a number i don’t recognize texted ‘Hey meggie ive been thinkn bout u a lot and Jus want u 2 know how much i lov u and miss u. Crissy’
it’s my sister
cried like when amahd gave me the $20
wind is so hard outside
4:34PM: fed cats. ate b-vitamin, zeolite, ‘brain and memory herbal health tonic.’
i want to live in a mansion cruise ship where everyone is happy forever and no one has to do anything they don’t want ever, ever, ever forever
i just want the whole world to live there, i want anyone who has ever been in pain ever to live there, it’s where everything will be okay again
i want brad the cat and all the other homeless everyones
5:22PM: did two shots of whiskey. going to go all the way drunk.
5:44PM: do people talk about how it’s hard to do shots of whiskey?
ORDER OF EASINESS OF SHOTS
(EASIEST FIRST HARDEST LAST):
• ‘lemon drop’ or ‘red-headed slut’ or sugary mixed dealies
• whiskey
• vodka
• gin
• cognac?
• moonshine-like things
• tequila
• scotch
yuck, scotch
why would you do that
why have i ever done that
9:06PM: thought about moving my car. but. also i need to eat? MATTHEW DONAHOO AND NICHOLAS I SAW THAT YOU GUYS CALLED I’M GOING TO CALL AFTER I DECIDE WHAT FOOD TO PUT INTO ME AND GO GET IT AND [OH SHIT] MOVE MY CAR WAIT SHOULD I NOT MOVE MY CAR MAYBE I JUST WON’T MOVE IT UNTIL TOMORROW SINCE I KNOW IT HAS A TICKET I..ER..ER…ER……ERRRRRRR. kind of scared to listen to nicholas’ message like ‘oh no what if he hates me now oh no oh no.’ oh doh. i am a defectie anus. seamless nor grubhub doth delivereth to mine ass-eth. i am drunk as a dkink. sunk. skunk. let me readjust. isn’t there a rap song like ‘let me readjust…wait (one, two, three…) let me readjust.’ i forget. ikea delivering my bed and table tomorrow. so.
why do i have to worry about what to eat or ‘am i tired enough to sleep?’ can’t those decisions…i wish someone had made those decisions like how someone decided ‘it will start 10/15/1985, the body will be female’ or somehing.
REAL TALK PART TRES:
even when it’s like ‘shit my faculties are shutting down’ from tiredness i am thinking ‘DON’T DO THAT, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IT’LL BE LIKE YOU WILL HAVE DIED A LITTLE BIT’
because
um
nicholas is my old co-worker and he is an accountant now and i feel a big huge thing in my heart about him
it would be good to talk
i want to not be so isolated anrmore
do i want pizza or thia?
thai?
thai food? or pizza?
what is the thing i want?
9:15PM: fuck everyone who is every have been dumb to me or not treated me nice
you know who you is
closed pop-up ad for a nonspecific item with the text ‘your opinion counts’ over a stock image of a highway
SO NOW IT’S A PICTURE OF A HIGHWAY?
WITH?
‘YOUR OPINION COUNTS?’
ALL OF A SUDDEN!??!
ON THIS HARD-TO-VERIFY-IF-MENU-IS-REAL WEBSITE?!?!
OH
DO YOU KNOW…
THE WORLD NEEDS TO CHEKC UP ON ITSELF FOR A MINUTE BECAUSE…HOW IS THIS REALL..
HOW DID JEBADOH APATOW GET SO FAT
I MEAN JUDD APA…JESUS
THE SUPERBAD MAN
YOU KNOW
HE IS NOT FAT IN A NEGATIVE WAY
I’D ROLL ALL UP IN THAT
I’M JUST WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED
JESS? JESS BRIDGES? JEFF APABRIGE?
JUDD HENLEY
LAUGHING REALLY HARD
GOING TO KEEP GOING UNTIL I FIGURE IT OUT
HONESLTY NO CLUE WHAT THIS PERSON’S NAME IS ISTILL
JUDD APATOW: I KNOW THAT FOR CERTAIN. IT IS NOT HIM.
SETH ROGEN: SAME
JEFF BRIDGES: I KNOW IT IS NOT HIM
BEAU BRIDGES: THE BROTHER OF JEFF
MICHELLE PHEIFFER: IN A MOVIE WITH TOSE BROSE ABOUT PIANOS
‘BROSE’ LOL
LOOKS MORE CORRECT THAN ‘BROS’
OKAY
SETH ROGEN: NOT THE NAME
JUDD APATOW: NO
SETH MEYERS: ?!?!! HOW DID I JUST THINK THAT
SETH: IS IT SOMEONE NAMED ‘SETH?’
SETH BRIDHGES?
JOHN MCKINLEY?
THIS IS ACTUALLY SEEMING IMPOSSIBLE, TO FIGURE OUT THIS PERSON’S NAME, AND I KNOW YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO IT IS
JEBADOH
SOMETHING LIKE ‘JEBADOH BRIDGES-MEYERS’
I’M LAUGHING REALLY HARD
SETH ROGEN
FUKCKCKXJKLKJHFKDFJKHDFHJKDFKJHD
FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK
‘FUCK’ IN 72PT FONT
SETH BRIDGES
JEFF APATOW
HELP
WHO IS THIS MAN
9:39PM: I GAVE UP I LOOKED IT UP, IT’S JONAH HILL
LDIES AND GENTLEMENT, IT HAS BEEN HIM THE WHOLE TIME
WITHOUT FURTHER INTRODUCTION:
JONAH HILL
LOOK AT THAT MOTHERFUCKER
I WANT TO TAKE HIM TO IN-N-OUT BURGER
I WILL BE LIKE ‘BABY I REALIZE THIS MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD TIME IN YOUR LIFE FOR ANOTHER CHIN BUT BTU DO YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE? I COULD BE THAT FOR YOU, I WILL WRAP MYSELF AROUND YOUR NECK AND NEVER LEAVE’
HE SEEMS LIKEA GOOD PERSON
LOOK AT THAT FACE
REMEMBER HOW HE WAS A BOY ONCE? SO EASY TO REMEMBER, NOT EVEN KNOWING HE WAS, LOOKING AT THAT FACE
LOVE HIM
JONAH
IS HE…FROM…’SQUID AND THE QHALE’
NICKI MINAJ SHOULD DO AN ALBUM CALLED ‘DA SQUID N DA WHALE’
NO ONE WOULD SEE IT COMING
LENA DUNHAM/NICKI MINAJ DUET CALLED ‘NOAH BAUMBACH’
LIKE
EVERYONE WOULD LOVE IT IF THAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
I WANT TO BE JONAH HILL’S MINK STOLE
MINK STOLE
THAT’S RIGHT
I GOTTA…
THINGS WOULD NOT BE VERY DIFFERENT IF I HAD BEEN BORN WITH A PENIS
10:19PM: it went something like this:
me: hi, can i place an order for pick-up?
thai rock: oh yes, please hold on for one minute
me: okay, thank you
thai rock: what may i get for you?
me: um, can i get a tom kha soup? with chicken?
thai rock: tom kha soup, hem, tom yum?
me: oh no, kha? the tom kha soup?
thai rock: well, actually, maybe i interest you in tom yum? because i think we are light on coconut today.
me: oh! oh oh, yes, yeah, tom yum soup then. that’s fine.
thai rock: so the tom yum soup, two orders?
me: oh no just one, with the. and
thai rock: you want veggies tofu or chicken? shrimp?
me: the…uh. veggies and tofu.
thai rock: am i understanding two orders, or one?
me: oh just one, just one order
please, and
thai rock: and anything else?
me: yes please. may i have the pork dumplings?
thai rock: pork dumplings…
me: yes please. and pad thai? with
thai rock: pad thai with chicken, or tofu veggie, or shrimp, duck?
me: the. just tofu veggie also. pad thai tofu veggie.
thai rock: i see.
me: when should i come pick it up?
thai rock: oh, well, wait one second because actually i should’ve been writing this down, wait one second.
me: oh oh okay, okay, thank you.
thai rock: [shuffling] o-kay. so: let me start. what is your name?
me: megan?
thai rock: megan
me: m-e-g-a-n, yeah
thai rock: megan
me: that’s the one
thai rock: okay megan, now you are having the tom yum veggie…the pad thai veggie…
me: yes (felt myself like, quivering, like puppy heart quivering with joy)
thai rock: and what was the other thing?
me: a pork dumpling.
thai rock: ah yes, the pork dumpling.
me: yes. yes. and that’ll be it.
thai rock: will that be all?
me: yes, that’s all, thank you.
thai rock: well megan, i think…i think this’ll be ready in fifteen minutes. okay?
me: fifteen minutes. wonderful, yes. i’ll come pick it up.
thai rock: thank you megan.
me: thank you, see you soon.
when i pick it up he’s going to be santa claus.
heard a knock on door during phone call. hung up and saw texts from colin, asking if i could show an apartment to a couple tomorrow. applied jeans, perfume, and ‘technically slippers, but is anyone really paying attention?’ no longer felt drunk.
neared door with slowed and lightened steps, to be indistinguishable from background noise. didn’t want colin to hear me. turned key softly, feeling for the weight of the latches.
walked to car, delighting in hearing ‘nicholas voice’ on voicemail. at one point he said he knew i was in new york and ‘i guess you’re ignoring me’ like maybe he thought i wouldn’t be listening. he said ‘i don’t know what happened’ and there were a few seconds and he hung up. there were two tickets on my car. i called back said something a little embarrassing like ‘things are floating into the ethers,’ then ‘i want to hang out any time, i don’t do anything, i want to see you.’
drove to thai rock listening to ‘bamboo cactus’ by i, cactus on repeat, aware of hearing the same sounds the first time i heard the song. if i could remove the emotional context i would have more in common with myself the first time i heard it, and could maybe re-experience that moment from a new dual perspective. tao played it the car and i said ‘i like this’ and the lights looked magical. for a long time i was doing ‘serious bureaucratic intern detective work,’ trying to figure out the song’s name. this fall i figured it out. at a party at tao’s in december people were passing around a computer, selecting songs for a group playlist. i put on ‘bamboo cactus’ and said some thing about not knowing what it was for a long time. tao said ‘you could’ve just asked me,’ or something.
thai rock looked permanently closed but i could hear restaurant noises. a guy was smoking on a porch. i said ‘h-iii, do you know where i go for pick-up?’ he gestured like ‘hold on’ and opened the door. a woman holding a plastic bag said ‘hello, $28.’ and i handed her my credit card. she said ‘oh no we take cash only.’ i said ‘oh no, i’ll go to an ATM, i’m sorry.’ she said ‘no you come back tomorrow.’ i said ‘are you serious?’ my face felt big. she said ‘yeah, you come back tomorrow.’ i shook her hand and said ‘i will, i give you my word.’ she and the smoking man looked at me. we were all smiling a little.
parked on 115th st. mom called. i had to walk backwards so she could hear me over the wind. she said ‘oh honey, that’s so great, how are all these strangers giving you money?’ i said ‘i don’t know, i’m gonna get it someday.’ she said ‘what?’ i said ‘i’ll probably get it, i’ll get what’s coming to me.’ mom said ‘what?’ i said ‘nothing nothing, can i call you when i get home?’ she said ‘i can’t hear you, i think it’s too windy, why don’t you give me a call later?’ i yelled ‘okay i’ll call you later, i love you.’ she said ‘i love you too.’
a hulking gender-neutral presence in embroidered jeans stood with its back turned to me at the ATM. withdrew $60. the deli entrance was blocked by a man who seemed bored and totally capable of doing something with wet concrete that usually requires a team. the man behind the counter said ‘watch your step’ as i stepped over the concrete-fixer man, who didn’t look up. the counter man said ‘how are you’ unconvincingly and i mumbled ‘yeah.’ brought six-pack of blue moon to cash register.
the counter man said ‘you smell nice.’ i was like ‘wiggitywiggity’ but tried not to show it. i said ‘oh jeez, i’m surprised you can smell anything, it’s so windy.’ he said ‘i know, it’s real windy out.’ i said ‘have a nice night’ and he handed me change and said ‘you too.’ stepped over the concrete-fixer man and said ‘thank you’ meekly, as a placeholder phrase for ‘when you step over someone.’ he didn’t look up.
11:36PM: called mom when i got inside. she told me things about crissy. i was happy she called. part of the argument…the other night…i had said ‘it seems like you’re not interested because you don’t call.’ she said ‘i want to call, i think you don’t want me to.’ i said ‘i always say i want you to and you never call, you never believe me.’
MAY 26, 2013
1:37AM: called masha to re-enact dialogue from g.i. joe public service announcement. recorded video of us talking for a long time.
9:03AM: woke worried about sleeping through calls. missing social event of the century.
11:16AM: woke to phone. louis from ikea was downstairs, furniture wasn’t. he’ll be back around 1PM. he has a soft voice.
1:43PM: woke to phone, ‘kevin.’ he and and ‘mrs. kevin’ are going to get pizza before i show them the apartment upstairs. dressed in sloppy encore of last night’s outfit and put hair in bun.
2:03PM: kevin called from downstairs. jogged to catch open door from person exiting ahead, where i tripped and stopped fall by doing a dance move that ended with my limbs splayed starfish-like, propping open door.
shook hands with kevin. he said ‘this is my wife, tacokia’ as we walked inside. i said ‘oh taco what?’ and looked behind me. she said ‘tacokia’ with an accent. kevin said ‘just call her ‘taco.” i said ‘okay, taco, good, good.’ we stood and waited for the elevator. i asked how the pizza was. kevin said ‘we actually got a quesadilla, from that ‘chinese food/mexican food’ place, you know it?’ i said ‘i know it. quesadilla. nice.’
led them down hall, to apartment 6H, and followed them inside. i said ‘i almost moved into this one, this is the one i almost moved into.’ watched them walked around, opening doors. in the fridge were a six-pack of various beers, two king cobras, and a four loko. remembered the variety pack of beers in the cabinet, when i moved. anonymous beer gifter.
taco made an excited noise in the bathroom. kevin said ‘look at that, what is that, do your apartment come with this too?’ they were looking at a metal box with four sticks coming out the top. i said ‘whoa. no. i don’t have that.’ they were raving over the thing. i said ‘maybe you could use it as an ironing board.’ walked away to give them private bathroom time with the thing.
kevin asked taco if she liked the apartment. she said ‘so much space.’ i said things about the view. kevin kept asking taco what she thought and she kept saying ‘oh.’ i said ‘new kitchen.’ at some point they asked if i was a real estate agent like colin. i said ‘oh no, no. i’m just here today.’
i said ‘i could show you mine, mine’s a little smaller.’ they didn’t react. i wanted them to find a box with sticks coming out the top.
4:25PM: read ‘slapstick’ and ‘fr
owns need friends too.’ mom called and we talked a little. mom asked about the furniture arriving. she said ‘oh boy, it’s sooner than i thought it’d be! are you excited?’ i said ‘yeah, i don’t know, i’m looking forward to stepping out of a bed instead of rolling.’
a little after we hung up the furniture delivery person called to say he was downstairs. ‘knew ‘neither of them are louis, i know this isn’t louis’ and gave angry-seeming man $20. i said ‘memorial day, i’m surprised you guys are working now.’ the happier man said ‘yeah i wanna be at a party.’ they brought boxes upstairs. the angry man asked me to initial a paper. resentfully. big time. i asked where he lived. he said ‘around beach thirtieth, little further down than you.’ i said ‘is this the last thing you have to do, then you guys can, like, have fun?’ he said ‘yeah.’ the happier man brought up the last of the boxes. he said ‘you know you gotta call ikea to get them to see when the assembly guy is coming, right?’ we looked at each other like ‘we know things were supposed to happen another way.’ i said ‘oh sure, yes, i’ll call, thank you guys.’
4:43PM: louis called. interesting dynamic, these phone calls with louis. we sound slow and happy and surprised to hear each other’s voices. let him in. assembled table and chairs while he assembled bed. NPR was on and i felt sometimes…like i wanted to say ‘the opinions on this radio do not reflect the other person in this room.’
6:37PM: took cardboard down to trash room. took smaller trash to trash compactor room. an old lady was exiting the apartment next to the trash compactor room. it went like this:
lady: hello, are you just moving in?
me: oh no, i moved about a month ago. i’m just doing furniture things now. i’m megan [shakes hand in atypically cavalier motion she didn’t seem to notice/just ‘accepted’ my hand into hers. she had soft warm small hands]
lady: well i can’t believe i haven’t seen you, you must be very quiet!
me: oh yeah. it’s just me, me and my cats
lady: oh you have cats? i have to show you this, then! [opens door to a small mostly shaven white dog sitting on a carpet. it didn’t move but it looked at us]
me: oh my god, what kind is it?
lady: shitzu. i had to give her a haircut, you know
me: sure, summertime
me: you have a really pretty apartment