by Megan Boyle
lady: why thank you! i’m barbara, by the way
me: barbara. it’s nice to meet you
barbara: [points to cartoon of old lady in superwoman costume] look, it’s me, my grandson made it. does it look like me?
me: [squints] well, maybe the ‘superwoman’ part
barbara: oh-ho-ho [walks down hall] well, it was very nice to meet you
me: you too barbara
barbara
wonder if she’ll ever let me sit on her rug…motionlessly…
maybe we can work towards this
walked back to apartment. door was open to pleasantly domestic scene of louis, from ikea, assembling bed. asked if i could help. he said ‘nah, this, i mean it’s all complicated so i got it.’
6:54PM: this is going fast on the radio now, it’s a woman and a man going back and forth like this, typing everything i can discern:
‘excuse me the oxygen is failing’ ‘is there somebody else’ ‘i don’t care to talk about it’ ‘dr. harris’ ‘i need time to think i’ve told you that before’ ‘because you badger me’ ‘please don’t tell me over and over’ ‘alright i’m sorry’ ‘hand me a needle’ ‘needle’ ‘thread’ ‘thread’ ‘i don’t even know what i’m doing’ ‘i have this joke for you’ ‘knock knock’ ‘knock knock’ ‘who’s there’ ‘catgut’ ‘cat gut who?’ ‘stop trying to cheer me up’ ‘this is absolute blackmail’ ‘dr. harris you’re a doctor, a doctor’ ‘the oxygen is failing again’
stopped typing to laugh. ‘what the hell is this.’ louis said ‘what?’ i said ‘i wasn’t even paying attention and the radio just started being this.’ he said ‘oh no yeah, i know, it’s weird.’ i said ‘yeah, what is this?’ he said ‘i don’t know, it’s weird.’ now he is using a drill.
7:17PM: louis said ‘just so you know, this is a two-man job.’ i said ‘oh shit, i can help.’ he said ‘no no, that’s just why it’s taking so long, usually two guys.’ i said ‘so, the other guy…you usually…’ he said ‘yeah i usually got a helper.’ i said ‘but he just didn’t show up?’ he said ‘yeah he didn’t show up today.’ i said ‘shit.’ it was quiet. looked at bed frame and said ‘when i saw that thing in the store, it looked so complicated—i thought it’d come already put-together.’ he said ‘nah, i gotta put this together. it’s annoying.’ i said ‘your helper friend is, like, at a fun memorial day party.’ he said ‘yeah, and i’m here.’ i said ‘he sucks.’ he said ‘i know.’
have periodically…when i first saw louis i thought ‘i wonder if we’re going to have sex.’ he has kind eyes. kind intelligent ‘i’m not just cruising somewhere behind these’ eyes.
7:25PM: stepped over skeletal bed frame to get red bull and said ‘are you sure i can’t help, this seems annoying.’ louis said ‘nah.’ i said ‘so how does it work, how do they pay you?’ he said ‘well you pay for the assembly and furniture together, right?’ i said ‘yeah, at the store. er. i think so. there were two lines.’ picked up the receipt. he said ‘you see that seventy-nine dollars?’ i said ‘yeah.’ he said ‘well i get half of that,’ chuckling a little, like, mournfully. his voice is soft. i said ‘that’s all?’ he said ‘y-eah’ and looked at me slowly. i said ‘well at least you don’t have to split it with another guy.’ he said ‘what?’ i said ‘like, your helper. guy. at least you don’t have to split it again.’ he said ‘oh, y-eah.’ i said ‘they pay you by the hour though also, though, right?’ he said ‘nah.’ i said ‘what’ and made a face. he said ‘nah nothing by the hour.’ i said ‘i feel like that’s…not allowed, somehow.’ he made fists and said his fingers hurt from stretching rubber on the skeletal thing. i said ‘do you want like, a beer?’ he said ‘oh, no, thank you.’ i said ‘i have like, beer, a beer, hummus, and. cat food. i wish i could offer you something.’ he said ‘no, that’s fine.’
7:35PM: steve martin banjo music has been playing on radio. i said ‘do you want to listen to something else?’ louis said ‘nah i don’t care.’ i said ‘me neither.’
7:37PM: i said ‘this shit is killing me, i can’t take it,’ walking to radio. louis said ‘what?’ i turned off the radio. i said ‘the banjos.’ louis grinned and shook his head, making a noise like ‘tssssssh.’ like ‘there goes my silly girl again, turning off the banjos.’
he asked for a glass of water. i said ‘you want ice?’ he said ‘okay.’ heard fabric rustling and thought ‘oh shit, will there be another shirt or just.’ it was another shirt. louis said ‘sorry i had to take my shirt off, it was too hot.’ i said ‘you do what you gotta do.’
7:43PM: some things have been established: louis has been at ikea for two months, has lived in the bronx 20 years. we agree that there is crime in philly.
8:15PM: imagining saying something like ‘wanna help me break in the bed,’ leading to sex. realistically imagining sex. nudity. a new person. it would feel bad, i think.
8:32PM: louis is in rubber fastening hell. wonder if i’m going to say something about his white sox hat.
10:09PM: helped louis put the frame on bed. i said ‘that seemed hellish.’ he said ‘what?’ and looked at me with his soft slow smart louis eyes. i said ‘putting it all together, seemed hellish for you. i appreciate it.’ he said ‘nah.’ he said ‘i’ll help you put the mattress on?’ i said ‘that would be great, thank you.’ we did it. there was a moment of us looking at it like ‘we did it.’ he said ‘you wanna jump on the bed or something now?’ and smiled a little. i thought ‘this is your moment. this is when your 24-year-old self would’ve flirtatiously asked him to jump on the bed with you.’ i got on the bed doggie style and hopped and said ‘hooooo-hoohoo. it works!’ tried not to look at louis. then i did. he was smiling. i’m smiling. he asked to use the bathroom.
HERE COMES THE LOUIS BATHROOM FACT:
EXTREMELY OF INTEREST TO ME:
louis did not close the door all the way. he left the water on. i heard him peeing. thought ‘man and wife. it’s true, it really is true, what i’ve been thinking the whole time. he thinks it too. bathroom door open.’
when he came out he seemed sleepier. i said ‘do you have to do this tomorrow too?’ he thought a minute and said ‘hm. y-eah, tomorrow too.’ i said ‘early?’ he said ‘mm-hm. like eight a.m.,’ smiling a little. i initialed a paper. how can i describe louis better? his demeanor. the slow louis demeanor. ‘the louis way.’ slow-cooked louis. his face was so interesting. like, barely expressive but…expressing…i don’t know, he had scars i think, he was…who does he look like…so handsome. shit. kind of like lil b + wes bentley. wish he left his sweaty ass t-shirt here.
i tend to date skinny guys but i like me a big hulking hulk of a big man. like. oof. muscles. oof. louis could destroy me. love me a man big enough to destroy me. oof. oof.
louis said ‘you want me to take that cardboard?’ i said ‘no, i’ll put it in the basement.’ followed him to the door and said ‘here, i want to give you this’ and handed him $29. thought i had more. his face brightened.
the light in my lamp went out as i put the table in front of it. then i did dishes and cleaned countertops and fed cats.
then mom called. ‘jolly’ conversation. i told her about louis and jumping on the bed and she said ‘oh no!’ i said ‘no, he didn’t mean it like that, like jumping in bed with me. it was me. who thought that. my mind was in the gutter.’ she said ‘bad megan.’
she and dad decorated his new office today. there was an issue with carpeting, a woman tripped and fell near a lamp. mom and dad were trying to figure out where to put the lamp. mom said ‘don’t be afraid of the lamp, mike.’ she described dad straightening his back and looking at her curiously and saying ‘i’m not afraid of the lamp.’ she said ‘it was a ‘male’ thing, this fear of the lamp, i think.’ we talked for maybe 25 minutes. i said ‘i’m happy you’re calling me a lot, i’ll call you more too.’ she said ‘honey i really think—when i say something like ‘you should buy flowers for your table,’ don’t take that seriously. i think you can do whatever you want.�
� felt flummoxed. i said ‘i know, it’s okay, i don’t think…i forgot you said that, i think it’s nice that you said that. i was thinking about buying a plant.’ she said ‘i think that’s a great idea, aren’t there plants cats like to eat?’ i said ‘yeah, yeah, there are, i didn’t even think to do that. i just threw away cat grass that got old but i could grow it, for shirley. shirley likes cat grass.’ mom said ‘oh, shirley. i like picturing you with the kitties. will you send me pictures on the computer? i can’t do it on my phone for some reason.’ i said ‘i’ll send you pictures. the apartment looks like somewhere someone who ‘has it together’ would live now. it’s weird. i feel better now, having a bed. it’s stupid, but thank you a lot.’ mom said ‘no, i think that’s absolutely true. sleeping in a bed helps, it’s a wonder what sleeping in a bed does, i think.” she was going home to eat burger king she and dad bought, and watch a thing on HBO where michael douglas plays liberace and matt damon plays his ‘young male lover.’
drinking a beer on the bed currently.
MAY 27, 2013
12:37–3:[something]AM: talked with juliet on skype. there were technical difficulties at first, video-related. she asked ‘are you the most depressed you’ve ever felt’ and i said ‘yeah’ and laughed. eventually couldn’t see her at all, due to video issues on my end. she said ‘i’ll just be like this ghost’ and i said i’d probably feel more able/comfortable answering things like that. she said ‘if you’re uncomfortable talking about some things we can just keep it light, i don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.’ i said something about how i felt my face blushing but that i thought it was interesting to feel uncomfortable and i wanted to be asked uncomfortable questions. ate 1mg xanax. it’s easy/fun to riff with juliet. interested in her life and look forward to video interview time. i told her ‘you’re one of the only people i talk to’ and she said ‘why?’ and i said ‘because…you asked me, and…it’s easy,’ grinning like an idiot. she said ‘why don’t you talk to other people?’ she mentioned wanting to experiment with liveblogging for three days for the interview. encouraged her to do it right now and didn’t think she would, but she has been all night.
3:20AM: standing in pickles & pies. Unanticipated ‘after bar crowd’ is in a loud college-looking grouping in line in front of me. That poppy blue-grass-y song that goes ‘I will wait I will wait for you’ is playing. Girl in jean skirt is ‘jamming’ to it, performing her jamming to tall uninterested friend beside her. She said ‘you know how hard he’s playing right now?’
3:22AM: cashier with majestic orb of hairnetted black hair, who said ‘you younger than you look’ and ‘don’t drink too much’ twice to me the other day, is behind the sandwich counter.
Exchanged glances that felt like they meant ‘you’re not one of the bar people, good, I will help you soon’ and ‘I understand, take your time.’ Compassionate ass glances with majestic hair orb. Love the hair orb man. Watched him carry a large bag of frozen fries and dump them into a fryer, then get a pad of paper and walk to me without looking. Felt intimate. Understanding ‘now it is time to tell me your sandwich.’ Ordered ‘reuben on a roll with thousand island and mustard. And that’s all.’ he didn’t look up from paper.
Put cherries, mangoes, lime, ‘sugar-free ruggelah-like date product,’ apricots, six-pack amber woodchuck cider into metal carrier and stood by the sandwich counter. Watched ‘jean jacket jamming girl’ maybe argue with ‘tall uninterested friend’ in peripheral vision and tried to listen but it was too quiet and fast.
Paid for things. Cashier who I had previously identified as ‘does not like customers or anyone or working but likes showing everyone he hates everything’ seemed happy to see me. He is older. He said ‘you. Hi.’ I smiled and said ‘he-lloo’ sounding unintentionally child-like. He read the prices aloud as he entered them in the cash register machine. He picked up the ‘sugar-free ruggelah-like date product’ and said ‘eeh-uh. Hm.’ I said ‘I think it’s five dollars, five ninety-nine?’ he looked at me and continued handling the box. I said ‘I’ll get another one.’ he said ‘you get another one.’ brought one with an orange price sticker back. He said ‘ah, five ninety-nine’ and looked at me like ‘blackjack dealer who knows the person won that shit.’ Other people were approaching me on both sides and he was kind of ‘dealing’ with them as he rung me up. Octopus-like ability to wrangle three registers. As he was ‘dealing’ with someone I bagged my things. He had taken out another bag then saw that I did and made a face like ‘I’ve had enough of this. You are part of the ‘this’ that I have had enough of, but thank you.’ We told each other to have a good night.
4:15AM: made chia mixture (chia seeds mixed with water and raw honey in jar) for tomorrow. if you soak chia seeds they develop little jelly-like membranes. have some idea that this is good for me. ate 1mg xanax, drank two woodchucks, put chips on reuben and ate sitting at the table. watched an episode of ‘the office.’ brushed teeth and put on silky black and white short nightgown, thinking ‘you have a bed, now you can wear the nightgown.’ bought it when i moved in to first apartment in baltimore, thinking ‘you have an apartment, you should have a nightgown now.’
9:[something]AM: woke feeling UTI pain. ate two apricots.
11:11AM: woke from dream, the only image of which i remember is being in my apartment and seeing a 18”×10”×16” off-white shiny loaf of bread with 1mg xanax and a note taped to it, from my dad, that said ‘you could’ve asked.’
sitting on the toilet, to wait for water and azo standard to relieve UTI pain. started reading juliet’s liveblog. happy that ass is liveblogging.
read about amanda bynes throwing a bong out her window and wearing a wig and two fake nails and sweatpants to court. she is on violation of probation for driving with a suspended license. remembered a few days ago the DMV emailed me about my ‘using cell phone while driving’ ticket that said i needed to contact them because the officer entered my name wrong, and that…as a consequence, could be my license could be suspended. it has been suspended once before, in july 2010, for not paying a parking ticket.
left toilet and looked for azo standard. i am walking outside. i hate buying it. it says ‘FOR URINARY PAIN RELIEF’ on the front. the store brand also says this. one time at CVS the cashier ringing me up said ‘i hate that, i gotta drink more water.’ i said ‘oh shit, it happens to you too?’ though at the time i knew UTI pain was from sex, not dehydration. it happens with both. all my life. really bad in fourth grade. peed my pants. one time it went into my kidneys and i got sick. okay great yumyumyum UTI stuff.
pounded three large glasses of water. currently sitting in bed.
11:56AM: listening to folky’ spotify playlist juliet linked to. i like it.
SHIT I MUST ACCOMPLISH TODAY:
• repay thai rock
• answer backlog of ask.fm questions
• call lieutenant re navy
• call NYC traffic violations re ticket
• make ‘taipei’ facebook photo album
• see if they mail shit on holidays and mail masha’s shit
• dye hair
• buy fruit and coffee and salad related groceries
• hang out with nicholas at 10PM
12:42PM: no longer in UTI pain. i was just dehydrated. fucking. hell yeah.
12:47PM: luxuriating in bed smoking e-cigarette. i’m going to answer questions now and luxuriate a little more before completing to-do list.
3:48PM: drinking a woodchuck, to feel full without eating. nicholas and i are going to eat at wild ginger, then see prinzhorn dance school. i didn’t know prinzhorn dance school, listening to them now. near the end of phone call, nicholas said ‘could you not write about everything we say and do,’ laughing in ‘nicholas way.’ i said ‘oh no, i won’t, should i take down what i’ve written already?’ he said what was up already was fine but it would be distracting/anxiety provoking for him to be thinking i was going to write about tonight as it was happening. i said ‘no no no, i won’t think about
writing it down, like the past few times i’ve had fun i’ve thought ‘have fun, you don’t have to liveblog.’ i’ll just think of us as having fun tonight.’ nicholas said ‘okay good.’ grinning thinking ‘nicholas’ now. excited for nicholas. thai ass food. kind of i wish i could liveblog tonight. nicholas is one of the most interesting people i’ve talked to, ever, like, highly distinguishable voice and manner. oh no. feel i am writing too much already and he is reading this. IT’S OKAY NICHOLAS DON’T WORRY IT WILL BE OKAY I PROMISE, I THINK YOU ARE GREAT!!!!!!
5:34PM: took photobooth picture of myself at 5:30pm, when i was ‘wailing on my abs.’ i have since ceased wailing on abs. listened to ‘nookie’ by limp bizkit and thought ‘i actually really like this, i think…like if i had been a teenager when it came out i would’ve liked it…wait, i was a teenager when it came out.’ shirley is on my lap. she burped and it smelled so nasty and good. she is currently wailing her paws/‘making biscuits’ on my thighs. do you guys know about ‘making biscuits?’ that that’s what you call it when a cat kneads their paws? drinking another woodchuck.
5:40PM: fred durst says ‘she put my tender heart in a blender but still i surrendered.’ in ‘nookie.’ i think that’s a reference to the eve 6 song that’s like ‘wanna put my tender heart in a blender watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion.’ how has no one said this out loud yet? we all know it, right?
5:43PM: i like the lyrics to ‘nookie.’ i’m laughing. i like the lyrics. haha. i’ve heard it so many times but i haven’t paid attention to words until now. should i get into numetal now? who likes numetal…stage crew…drama club…hm.
5:50PM: the shower is maybe four feet away. i’m still sitting here like a chump (hey) like a chump (hey) like a chump (hey) like a chump (hey)
7:03pm: walked to 115th st. white sulfur-smelling liquid was frothing around sewer drains. people were in the street. almost every porch had a person on it. my car wasn’t there. passed more white liquid and a group of boys. a boy said ‘that smells like butt.’ passed man sorting through trash. car was not on 114th st either, less people on porches. it was on 113th st.