LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  7:58PM: meekly thought ‘no one from mexico is reading anymore,’ looking at statcounter

  meekly

  it’s always ‘meekly’ these days

  big bad boyle and the no-good meeklies

  felt a little better writing this

  looking at the lack of africa and asia

  i am failing africa and asia

  there used to be someone from alaska, i am failing them now too

  it smells like someone is baking pillsbury crescent rolls near me

  9:59PM: i’ve been re-reading shutupmom.diaryland.com. it starts with her in her mid-20’s i think, she works at a nursing home and types in all caps and makes funny/poignant observations and gets drunk and stays at home and goes out and watches cartoons and eats cereal and has a dog and friends and there are guys sometimes…she called isaac brock once somehow…she reminds me of ‘female isaac brock’…i’ve enjoyed re-reading her blog the same way i’ve enjoyed re-reading my favorite books, hope she never takes it down.

  11:59PM: have been planning to leave apartment to buy alcohol since around 8PM when i made the bed and put on shoes, now i am wearing shoes in bed. considered going up to 6H, where the anonymous beer move-in gifts are maybe still in fridge, to see if the door was still unlocked.

  saw that mira was tweeting at the same time as me and thought ‘we could be hanging out right now. we’re kind of hanging out.’

  MAY 30, 2013

  1:21AM: have been sitting in bed, typing captions to ‘taipei’ photo album. just posted to facebook.

  2:02AM: worried people will think it’s…somehow what i’m doing is negative…but i’m intending to just…do something funny/promotional/supportive…or that they wouldn’t think that but now me saying that will cause them to think that…worried about worrying, next level worrying. i wouldn’t think anyone would think it was negative if i did this in like 2009/before dating tao, i would be doing it for the same reasons then as now i think. though hard to say because a lot of the book is ‘about’ me and it’s one of my favorite things i’ve read, so it’s like, doubly impacting, which probably has something to do with me not doing this with other books. added links to tao’s blog post about it and the book’s page on amazon. why do people think about things differently if it’s related to a romantic thing. i do it too, i don’t know why. worried tao will think i’m doing it to solicit ‘good job pat pat’ or something, i don’t care about that. think i’m just experiencing vestigial worry related to dynamic in relationship/not related to ‘now.’ felt good to be able to type funny captions the way i did in album.

  2:10AM: ate 2mg xanax and birth control.

  2:17AM: pretty sure i’m always going to be thinking something like ‘how is it [whatever time it is].’

  2:19AM: phone call from number that texted ‘Heard your looking to buy some adderall, call back if interested’ 2:56AM may 28. thought ‘this is probably a cop.’ left them a voicemail the next afternoon saying i was interested. saw matthew donahoo had texted a picture and ‘Feel u re not wanting/being bored by seemingly everything’ earlier tonight. texted ‘Hell yeah’ and a picture. feel like a robot right now, averting photo album anxiety by reporting…phone shit…

  2:23AM: called number back. no answer. texted ‘Bro…’ not going to pay attention to this person anymore, they are either a cop or too difficult to communicate with.

  2:26AM: texted the person ‘I’m not interested’

  2:33AM: have been listening to ‘hotcha girls’ on repeat since maybe 10PM

  2:49AM: have been experimenting with inhaling e-cigarette through nose

  3:12AM: feel xanax things more maybe due to eating only cherries today this morning. going to…actively avert interest…watch a netflix something

  3:16AM: often think of the last bits of pee that drip out as ‘tassles’

  5:23AM: all i remember is eating another 1mg xanax, hummus tortilla, remaining bag of salt and vinegar chips and watching the beginning of ‘manhattan’ in bed.

  11:17AM: woke. shirley was on my chest. an ASMR video was playing. listened and half-slept half-dreamed.

  1:30PM: woke. looked at internet. people like the ‘taipei’ facebook album. drinking sugar-free red bull. feeling okay so far. okay-feeling day. presented with interesting things when waking. good.

  1:46PM: felt something fall out of my vagina and thought ‘please be blood.’ checked shorts. it was blood. definitely one of the top ten happiest times i’ve seen blood come out of me. inserted tampon and there was blood dripping down my finger and when i washed it off some of it splattered in the sink. thought it looked cool. thought ‘this looks too graphic maybe but fuck it i’ve been watching blood fall out of the part of me men want to stick their other part into since i was 12.’ that sounds confusing. i got my period when i was 12, had sex when i was 18. when i was 12 i knew they want to insert their penis back and forth into this thing until stuff comes out of them, though. what’s wrong with you guys.

  2:31PM: DMV is open until 6PM today HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA. EVERYTHING’S COMING UP MEGAN. DO PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT ‘EVERYTHING’S COMING UP MILLHOUSE?’

  AND FURTHERMORE, ‘EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES,’ WHICH THAT JOKE IS REFERENCING I THINK?

  3:02PM: made chard/cucumber/coconut water juice, chia mixture for later. did dishes. nauseous from chlorophyll overload. sometimes this happens. surprised it happened with chard, ‘a lesser green.’ tried juicing mustard greens once and it made me vomit. okay. hot vegetable talk is over.

  masha texted if i had gotten her package yet. i’m going to shower and get ready for DMV and check for package.

  3:45PM: i was pooping and peeing at the same time when i wrote this sentence teehehehehehehee.

  4:34PM: have been fucking around/pushing ‘last minute’ for DMV. mom is calling.

  5:15PM: got off the phone with mom. when i asked how she was she said ‘your mother is currently dealing with a fly, that is the one thing going on with me!’ i said ‘like a fly fly, a bug fly?’ she said ‘yes! it’s been in my apartment for two days now, two days. and yesterday i said to it, i gave it the option—i went to the balcony and opened the door and i gave it the option: you can either fly out now, or i’ll kill you. and it didn’t fly out! so i’ve been after this…thing! it’s just insane, it’s flying into mirrors and pictures and just…bumping into everything. it woke me up this morning on my face, i must’ve had some really bad breath.’ i said ‘it woke you up, oh no.’ she said ‘i know! so i’ve been getting rid of just everything i think it could be eating, i found an opened sesame oil container—from the sauce i make for the dumplings, you know—and i threw away my toothbrush. i’m thinking it could be living off the things in my toothbrush or, oh it’s so bad. i’m thinking it’s thinking my apartment is an ikea eatery, everything in my apartment! your mother and the fly, it’s the only thing i’ve got going [laughlaugh]!’ she said something about finding crumbs behind the toaster. we talked more about other things and i emptied all the old cat litter into a bag and started washing it in the shower. mom said ‘hold on a minute, i’m at the bank’ and i heard an automated voice. mom said something about burger king. i took the empty cat box to the shower to wash it and said ‘remember when we found the maggots? in the jeep?’ she said ‘oh no. oh no, what was that?’ i said ‘at…i think it was at brentwood drive, in the garage. the car smelled funny and we opened up the backseat and there were all the maggots and the mcdonald’s fries, oh no.’ the water from the faucet was kind of loud. i forget how we started talking about the next thing. mom said ‘what is that thing, miss canada? it’s not miss america, it’s…’ i said ‘miss universe?’ she said ‘yeah, miss universe canada? well, i don’t know, it was the new miss universe canada last night, and she won. but they found out today this other girl was actually the winner, and she was handling it very well, you know, philosophically, she was saying ‘at least i got to know what it felt like for a day.” i said ‘well. at least she got to know what it felt like for a day, though.’ m
om said ‘yeah, i guess so.’

  mom talked about how she’s decorating dad’s new offices from an outlet store the sells old hotel furniture across from ‘the worst trailer park in the world, with graffiti like in new york.’ i said i watched part of ‘manhattan’ last night. she said ‘i think that’s why i cried on the verrazano bridge, the opening scene of that, and something about brooklyn too, and knowing you had all the memories and then all the things about woody allen, that’s why i got emotional. i’m sorry i get a little silly when i’m emotional.’ i said ‘you don’t need to apologize for that at all.’ she said ‘you could just fall asleep to that music, george gershwin every night.’ i said ‘i don’t think i could fall asleep to that’ and she went ‘hohoho, no, that’s right.’

  earlier i had told her i was thinking about going to marie calloway’s reading and she asked if i was going. i said ‘you know? maybe. maybe i’ll go. because why not. because the other night i found a blender, did i tell you about that?’ she said ‘no, when was that?’ i said ‘with nicholas the other night, there were all all these. well it was really sticky, all these appliances. i was going to take a frying pan too but it was too sticky [mom was laughing at ‘sticky,’ whenever i’d say ‘sticky,’ remember ‘milking her for ‘sticky’ laughs’ by further describing how it was ‘greenish brownish’], but this blender! i mean it’s a pretty basic blender, it’s simple, like maybe from the 90’s maybe, but i like that, so. the other night i scrubbed it and i let soap and water soak in the glass part overnight and then this morning—well, i think the thing is really that i just can’t let it get too full. it works. i just can’t let it get too full or it leaks. but it’s a blender again, i have a blender again! it’s cuisinart. so i guess all of this that i’m trying to say is that, i did that this morning and so i got off to a good start. it felt like a good start, like i made green juice also [mom went ‘aw,’ like ‘honey i’m proud of you but i do not like green juice at all and i could easily go into a thing about how i think i should like green juice but i don’t right now’], like, i could do things. but now i think, around when you called i’m getting to this place of ‘it seems like i’m not going to do anything’ again.’ felt aware of talking for a long time. mom laughed and said ‘i know the feeling.’ i said ‘well, so i guess i decided since i didn’t do the laundry yesterday i at least have to do that today, since i think i’m not going to…there’s no way i’ll make it to the DMV but really i think i really just don’t want to.’ mom said ‘there is really this thing meggie, that i believe, that if something doesn’t feel right in the moment, there’s a reason behind that feeling and you shouldn’t do it.’ i said ‘yeah. yeah. i think i believe that too mostly. it’s just i think…it’s not that the things don’t feel right, i’m just not interested enough in the the things.’ she laughed and said ‘well, yes, there’s that too, there’s always that too.’ she said something about not wanting to take her car for an emissions inspection but she had to do it by june 7th. i was kneeling on the kitchen floor. i forget why. i said ‘we just have to keep doing stuff. there keeps being stuff we have to do.’ she said ‘yes, yes.’

  5:57PM: ate a caffeine pill. okay great. i don’t know what to do.

  6:08PM: i made a poll about what i should do tonight, encourage people to write in answers for ‘Other.’ i’ll do whatever gets the most votes. voting period will end at 7PM.

  6:28PM: going to shower now and prepare in case ‘go to reading’ wins.

  7:02PM: here are the results of the poll:

  • go to the reading (it starts at 7PM and it’s 6:04PM now, i haven’t showered and live 30+ mins away but am okay with showing up late, just information to consider) [RESULT: 17 VOTES]

  • do laundry [RESULT: 8 VOTES]

  • get drunk [RESULT: 8 VOTES]

  • read/watch movie/look at internet/watch TV [RESULT: 3 VOTES]

  • ‘knuckle down’ and write story/article for something i said i’d do [RESULT: 9 VOTES]

  • Look up chords for “Butterfly” by Weezer and then play it on guitar post video [SOMEONE ELSE WROTE THIS, RESULT: 3 VOTES]

  • 7pm is jeopardy [SOMEONE ELSE WROTE THIS, RESULT: 2 VOTES]

  • live tweet good/bad sex [SOMEONE ELSE WROTE THIS, RESULT: 2 VOTES]

  • Other [RESULT: 4 VOTES]

  MAY 31, 2013

  [DEPENDING ON WHAT PEOPLE VOTE ON THIS MIGHT BE LEFT BLANK]

  JUNE 1, 2013

  [DEPENDING ON WHAT PEOPLE VOTE ON THIS MIGHT BE LEFT BLANK]

  JUNE 2, 2013

  [DEPENDING ON WHAT PEOPLE VOTE ON THIS MIGHT BE LEFT BLANK]

  JUNE 3, 2013

  8:43am: said ‘listen: this doesn’t work anymore. I don’t eat solid foods. We’re fucked.’ in ‘main character gives up’ voice to attentive-looking cats. Have been up all night and want to sleep. Was not planning to write this. Caught some ‘talking to cats on Sunday morning’ hit action. Caught that shit to serve it up fresh to you like, eight hours from now, probably. I’m eating a xanax and going back to sleep. Stalling my update of the past three days.

  8:52am: Alvie being ‘insufferable’ with loudly thumping off of high surfaces and scratching in litter box. Sleep not happening.

  9:03am: cleaned Alvie poop after yelling ‘Alvie.’ sprayed ‘auracacia lavender harvest calming aromatherapy mist’ walking perimeter of room holding bottle with above-head/forward-thrusting arm. Cats looked confused and maybe hurt or afraid. Did bump of heroin.

  9:07am: it smells like generic soap from someone else’s shower. It’s nice. Jumped at text message noise and watched ‘Hey Meghan! I’m in a pinch…’ appear. It is from Jaime, probably about the play. Imagined myself typing ‘Wonder if I’m going to read it’ and smirked.

  9:24am: do the cats think MacBook is a cat also? It is silver and like them sort of.

  9:29am: opened window. Feels better in here. Like, perfect temperature outside. Shirley found a place to sit on the floor, went ‘MAAAAAA…?’ and now seems to be ‘ruminating.’ Person who hasn’t responded to my text probably thinks of me as having a ‘novelty factor.’ If they read this it means I have a little less ‘novelty factor’ to them than I thought, I am more ‘a person’ to them, but in this case I don’t know if I want them to think I’m a person, seems a little scary in this case. Feels comforting to be Christmas decoration-like to someone sometimes. Like ‘that looks nice, I’m in the holiday spirit now’ but for the rest of the year I’m in a box in the basement.

  9:39am: snorted remaining heroin I had left in baggie.

  10:19am: pictured camera showing Zachary’s gravestone: ‘this man had impeccable taste’ (his life as…that’s all he wants people to know, that’s the only thing he wants to hear…what he’s aiming for…), zooming out to show the city, state, country, earth, solar system, galaxy, universe, billions of years of space.

  10:51am: inserted ‘broken english’ dvd after concluding movie download would ‘take forever.’ felt interested in all three automatically playing previews and dreaded watching movie when main menu loop began to play. Pressed ‘play.’ snorted more heroin during opening scene—parker posey getting ready for a party alone in an expensive-seeming one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment (which, at the time I first saw the movie, some time in 2008, I identified as ‘affordable,’ ‘modest,’ ‘like a place I could someday live’)—and remembered finishing the second half of it with Tao, seeing it for the first time, on one of our MacBooks on my bed in my Baltimore apartment in 2011. I asked him what he thought about it and he paused and looked to the side and said ‘her despair seemed believable.’ abandoned movie to do ‘thing I forgot I wanted to do before I re-watched movie.’ have been re-reading ‘Taipei.’

  11:18AM: vomited. brushed teeth and started typing above update, which seems ‘obviously influenced’ by style of ‘taipei.’

  12:10PM: vomited again. have been alternating between making a ‘HOW SHOULD I UPDATE THIS’ poll, typing in this document, emails to jordan and tao. texted matthew donahoo pictures. />
  12:16PM: feel extremely nauseated and droopy, like can’t believe i’m able to type at this speed. heart feels faster and slower at the same time. like, louder. eyes are crossing. effort to keep eyes un-crossed currently. skin is itchy. also feels smooth. unsure if white noise thing i’m hearing from outside is the air conditioners in the building next to me or the ocean.