LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  ‘Put down that mouse. You can come see rare Mexican wolves.’ –billboard feat. picture of wolves that I just passed.

  1:15am: listening to mix-cd from 2004. Scream/sang along to bright eyes and q and not u. Was really into q and not u for a period. I like their drumming and how often every song changes. A lot of different sounding parts in each song. I was so young when I made this cd. 18 or 19. I am only ‘the older age you can be in a year’ from October 15-December 31. Every year. So I always seem a little younger. Have probably seen q and not u play more than any other band. Aloha or q and not u. I miss old me…little happy drug-free show-going shithead…with funny male friends…before I had sex with all my funny male friends and so I liked all of us more…‘I guess this is growing up’-blink182

  Now radiohead is playing who the hell was I Jesus. I like when he goes ‘ill laugh ubtil my head comes off’ and ‘this is really happening’ in this song, forget what song is called, remember like, waiting on those parts to come up…waiting to relish in those parts of the song, so I could sing along with ‘thom yorke’ eyes. Thom yorke should start a newspaper called ‘the Thom Yorker’ big bucks in that get on it googly eyes!

  1:27am: now ‘admit it’ by say anything is on. Did anyone else like say anything? Forgot I was into this stuff, my ‘can’t do it’ quoting friend and I used to drive around singing along to this stuff.

  Taking back Sunday holy shit

  Having emotional moment

  2:27am: a little lost. I don’t know what road this is, near Jamaica ave, which I know from Pizza Hut/taco bell das racist song.

  2:58am: walking to apartment have to pee badly.

  2:59–5:31PM: don’t remember what i did.

  nothing i want to do really.

  if anyone reading has thought ‘there is a crucial error she is missing, something would be better if she knew/did [whatever] differently’ and you think i’m not aware of the thing, please tell me. if you want to be anonymous you can ask say it on ask.fm. if you want. anything would be appreciated, any thoughts. that sounds…i’m not…miserable…not trying to be funny either…just stuck or something, i don’t know. michael scott.

  5:33–11:59PM: don’t remember most of this. think i started recording acapella cover of ‘take ecstasy with me’ by magnetic fields. ate an amount of oxycodone or xanax or both.

  AUGUST 15, 2013

  did not update.

  AUGUST 16, 2013

  5:35PM: have been watching slow accumulation of pigeons gather outside my window, perching in an ominous line on building across mine. seems like they’re about to watch a public execution.

  AUGUST 17, 2013

  9:36am: there was a ticket on my windshield. Was looking forward to getting a medium coffee coolatta with no whipped cream the whole walk to car. The coolatta was my main reason to leave bed. The promise of a coffee coolatta. Can smell the ocean. Thought ‘I’ll just walk a mile along the ocean, why don’t I ever do that’ on the way to dunkin donuts. In elevator to my building now. Exiting elevator. Getting the coolatta to prolong wakefulness/laying in bed to watch ‘the office’ and probably not wash the cat pee sheets is funny. I asked for $2 in change from the cashier at dunkin donuts. Encountered some inane mutual confusion. Ended up grinning and saying ‘laundry’ a few times at the end. Pretty sure cashier didn’t understand me.

  9:43am: the coolatta is making my stomach hurt. Third coolatta of my life. The other two were ‘mocha coffee coolattas.’ This one is a ‘coffee coffee coolatta.’ They were all mediums. I endorse the coffee coolatta product.

  10:27AM: have mostly been watching ‘the office’ the past two days. wanted to look at [omitted]’s okcupid profile this morning but seems like my account is suspended. zachary’s account was still signed in on firefox. found a number of annoying discrepancies between what [omitted] chooses to say on his profile and things i know to be true about him.

  10:52AM: gchatted with zachary about coolattas. forcing my coolatta interest on the innocent. sent him the link to [omitted]’s okcupid profile. we got into shittalky stuff, quoting the profile. i was laughing. without knowing who [omitted] was, zachary picked out stuff i thought was funny/interesting/like ‘what the hell is this’ about the profile. was surprised by um. his ability to see things. i’m not surprised by that actually, i know zachary sees stuff. observant sensitive intelligent person. the surprise was more in hearing another person notice the things i think i can ignore about people and like, privately conclude ‘no one else would notice this, i’m being too picky/overly sensitive, i should be grateful that anyone wants to get to know me’ about. have re-read our conversation maybe four times. felt ‘intense,’ all the times. considered including in liveblog but i’m already drawing more attention to [omitted] than i feel good about doing, by including this at all.

  11:09AM: zachary asked what his job was, which is part of the funny thing, why he wanted his name to be ‘omitted’ in this originally. i said the job. zachary said ‘lul’ twice. looked at profile pictures again and felt shitty. remorseful something. like ‘he isn’t a bad person’ and ‘[picture of him reading this on his phone and…].’ i don’t think he’d even want to read it though. the cheating thing just seemed like his way of indirectly breaking up. he could’ve said ‘i don’t want a relationship right now’ or ‘i don’t want a relationship with you after all’ but this way it like, ‘sealed the deal.’ like maybe some part of him knew cheating on me would be a way to get rid of me forever. there would be no break-up conversation. just…obvious. obvious action. i would be the one who would end it. he still got to have sex with this girl. i’m just the other girl who ended it. he didn’t even have to do any work to end it. the only work he had to do was to have sex and lie. he didn’t have to be involved in this at all. have imagined him thinking gradually, like, ‘i don’t like megan as much anymore, she eats lobster messily, she wants to talk about dreams, she seemed upset by [something vague about dreams or memory and tom mccarthy book he recommended that he couldn’t remember well], she’s too sensitive, she isn’t as ambitious as me, she doesn’t know people in ‘my industry,’ she does more drugs than me, she doesn’t know how to cook, she shares too much with the internet, she does not seem to like dogs as much as me, she’s always going to the library and ‘working on stuff’ but she never finishes and then i come home and oh great…just…there she is on the bed, she was more interesting when she was a character in a book, she says socially inappropriate things, she is kind of ‘intense’ with the crying and the reading and the things she read were a little ‘intense,’ she likes karaoke, we are at different points of our lives, she wants to talk about all of this, she can see i’m becoming less interested and i don’t want her to know,’ and wanting to end the whatever-it-was but he couldn’t think of a ‘safe way ‘out” and by cheating…it was like he could still be…like, ‘all the best, so sorry, i feel so bad about this, i never meant for this to happen, all the best, please drive safe’ but secretly he’s thinking ‘yessssssssss!!!!!!!’ partially think that due to. um. the night that it happened, he had sex with the other girl and didn’t tell me for a few hours and i had started sucking on his penis that had just been in this other girl yuck yuck yuiuck red glitter on his penis and he lied about using condoms (we had been drinking). i wasn’t as drunk as he was, but still. if zachary and i were arguing and drinking and i’d want to drive to maryland or something, he wouldn’t want to let me do that. he’d get very insistent. he’d be like ‘don’t do this, don’t drive drunk, it’s stupid and dangerous.’ but [omitted] seemed relieved when i left. he texted ‘so sorry, please drive safe’ or something like that. something bureaucratic. the ‘please drive safe’ seemed striking. like he had planned it. i don’t know. i know he didn’t plan it. er. i don’t know, he could’ve planned it, i don’t know. why did that strike me so much. ‘please drive safe.’ bureaucratic. i remember foreseeing this becoming an issue early-on, the bureaucratic thing. we were at a party with an ‘important person:’ a regular
person who seemed to be pretty blatantly behaving in a way like they thought they were ‘important,’ doing things that would probably upset their family, that they thought they could get away with doing, because of their ‘importance.’ [omitted] was like…really buying into it…like, celebrating this person’s acting in these ways. i understood why—the person is successful and could probably advance [omitted] in his whatever-he-does someday. i don’t know. i might be misjudging the person. but anyway—just. i don’t know. the way [omitted] was acting. it was like the world stopped for this ‘important’ person, who sometime after the departure of, he said he thought we would’ve had a regrettable threesome with, had my interactions with the person gone differently. i didn’t think that would happen, but i felt a distance, thinking ‘he thinks this could’ve happened.’ neurotic distance. when i told him i didn’t like how the ‘important’ person was acting, he reacted like this was unheard of and scandalous. it was like i had informed a devout baptist of the fact that books about satanism exist, as if satanism itself could shake the foundation of baptism–which means it’s equally or more powerful than baptism, which means some part of you knows the thing you’re so devout about is weak. a devout baptist who feels so threatened by topic of satanism that to them, a world that capable of holding multiple belief systems is a world largely abandoned by its creator, whose attention must now be fought for by his now-ignored chosen people, in addition to their already longstanding fight against the evils that somehow exist within his creation but are not of it, which threaten his flawed yet flawless design. cool thing to devote your life to, smart guy. cool criteria of ‘importance,’ cool guy. closed-minded. i didn’t like that. i started noticing other stuff like that…like, little niceties…disingenuous stuff…inconsistencies in his conduct i probably would’ve otherwise ignored. he’d bought his apartment something like a year ago, for example, and leaning against the wall were frames he still hadn’t found pictures to go in or gotten around to hanging. maybe this was due to the forgivable laziness of a busy life, or wanting his surroundings to look the way he wanted but not yet knowing what he wanted, but i don’t know. maybe it was a metaphor for the life of someone who could never commit to the things he found important, because deep down he knew the important things wouldn’t give him the time of day either. maybe they could, though. but not to someone who has already decided they can’t.

  11:57AM: ate 400mg choline, maybe 1g aniracetam, 200mg noopept. realize that acknowledging ‘i noticed this stuff about [omitted] that i didn’t like, and i noticed it early-on’ means my choice to continue being with him was similarly disingenuous as the things i’m describing about him that i didn’t like. here is how i have rationalized this: maybe i’m learning to trust my instincts more. i wasn’t being disingenuous by dating him, i liked him a lot, at the time. i also disliked stuff, just like with anyone i’ve ever dated. but then how do i know what to focus on in the future…should it be the ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’…it’ll be based on the situation, i guess. i’ll just know what to do then. i’m more informed now. maybe. probably not.

  12:13PM: started feeling nauseated and dizzy during last paragraph, like was thinking ‘maybe you should just lay down and close your eyes,’ which quickly turned into ‘maybe you should stand over the toilet.’ vomited a lot. think it was the coolatta. coolatta and nootropic blend of nasty. stomach started feeling queasy drinking the coolatta. when no more stuff came out i was just like, dry-heaving. did maybe four dry-heaves. then a little more stuff came out. ‘the very bottom stuff.’ it tasted different. more acrid than the humble coolatta beginnings.

  brushed teeth. blew nose in sink. nose has ‘that puke smell.’ comforted by my assumption that most people know ‘that puke smell.’ chest feels tight. as i was brushing teeth i thought ‘you are becoming an insane ranting dislikable person. if you post the rant about [omitted] you are further alienating yourself from [end thought]. insane dislikable ranter. you don’t even update the liveblog regularly, people know they can’t count on you. slowly chasing away all people with your insane dislikable rants about how you’re insane and dislikable. counting this. if you write this down, that ‘counts’ as part of a rant i think, furthering your…the bad thing that you are…’

  i’m more awake now, no longer dizzy. unsure if i’m poisoning myself with the nootropics. coolattas are maybe more poisonous than drugs.

  3:35PM: still gchatting with zachary. i’m having fun. emailed him a picture of alvie pooping and looking at me. email subject was ‘alvie taking a tip from his ol pal holong’ (holong is adam’s cat, he stares at you when he poops), email body was ‘it’s briney bitch.’

  5:43pm: walking back from sushi place. Have been gchatting with Zachary this whole time. Here’s what happened on the way out of apartment:

  • saw bike in hall, considered taking a picture for Zachary

  • opened door to stairway. Said ‘hi how are you’ to man doing stuff to a box on the wall. I said ‘fios?’ He said ‘time warner.’ We decided something pleasant about each other, it seemed. He started walking down stairs just far away enough to be ‘too far to hold the door for,’ but close enough that it also would’ve seemed appropriate to hold. Thought ‘don’t hold any doors for him, you decided holding doors is stupid, remember? Stick to your guns. You’ll never see him again. Except when you come back inside [too late all doors already closed]’

  • thought ‘you really are an anomaly, Boyle, walking around with the coconut oil on your hair and the neon orange shorts.’

  • picked up sushi

  • could tell I was staggering a little as I entered station wine & liquors. Selected large bottle of white zinfandel from fridge. Cashier who always acts suspicious of me predictably asked to see my ID. Handed him 10% off coupon. He said ‘alright.’ When I grabbed the bag he handed me he said ‘you got my finger.’ I didn’t understand. He said ‘my finger, you can’t take my finger.’ I let go of the bag and laughed and apologized. Still didn’t feel his finger. Exited saying ‘I’ll use that coupon next time’

  5:55pm: took picture of bike in hall and emailed Zachary.

  6:44PM: just ended gchat with zachary. what a charming funny person i got to know. still get to know. great. ‘still.’ haha. when i type in the liveblog as if it were my best friend or me or a diary or something, that’s how talking to him felt. so much love in my big stupid heart for that guy.

  6:51–11:59PM: ate sushi. continued gchat with zachary. laughed a lot. drank a bottle of wine. tweeted picture of cat pee stains. the pee shape resembles australia. i sleep on the pee-free side, on a yoga mat. recorded video of myself screaming to a desaparacidos song in my closet.

  AUGUST 18, 2013

  6:52AM: woke in a strange position from vivid dream that felt two or three days long, about a tsunami. couldn’t remember where i was for a long time. left leg is numb. looked at the internet.

  8:00AM: woke with a feeling that something had been watching me sleep, or i had been taken to a parallel universe and maybe not delivered back to the one where i belong. something about the wall is scary. i don’t want to face the window because it looks too bright, but having my back to the wall feels vulnerable. reminds of the scary face i saw out my window when i was little, and am sometimes afraid i’ll see again. the face is kind of like the dumpster man from ‘mulholland drive.’ just pictured the face and it had a body. this is the first time it’s had a body. definitely the same face. it’s like a hulking body in robes, too tall to be a person. couldn’t shake feeling of…just…that something had been implanted in me in my sleep, which is why my thigh was numb, and the scary man had been involved in this.

  1:35PM: woke from another vivid dream. felt less scared. emailed mira. we’re meeting at the bareburger on 3rd ave at 8:30PM. going to get a freaking coolatta.

  2:14pm: bought medium coffee for a man standing outside dunkin donuts. His name is roi. We shook hands and he said ‘r-o-i, roi.’ I said ‘m-e-g-a-n, Megan’ a few times. He said ‘okay.�
� I said ‘okay’ and let go of his hand.

  8:03pm: walking to car. Sam will be at Bareburger too. Ate 800mg phenethylamine, 1.2g aniracetam, 4.5mg hydergine. Feel like I’m about to vomit and I’m being watched and my execution is soon. Eerie. Feels like my dream last night, the same amount of vividness.

  8:11pm: second vivid dream involved photo session by train tracks, double-date with Michael Scott. Billy Joel was talking about the song ‘big shot.’ We were standing by a table with no chairs, waiting for something.

  8:14pm: large area of back left thigh has been numb since waking. Left forearm keeps twitching.

  8:15–11:59PM: got lost. stopped at a CVS for directions, then walked across the street to a deli where i saw something that looked like a payphone and was, gutted. asked the cashier if he knew where i could find a payphone. a man handed his phone to me and i thanked him. didn’t know how to work phone. called mira to say i’d be 20 minutes late. parked on 35th ave. saw mira and sam sitting outside at a table with a centerpiece of onion rings, a beer pitcher, and glasses. sat beside mira and ordered ‘chicken pickle’ sandwich.

  after dinner we bought three bags of cocaine, $40 each, and $20 of xanax. i had eaten 2mg xanax before dinner. my nose was congested. there was a somewhat laborsome process of…laughing right now, why was this so hard…seemed like it took forever for sam and i to find the bathroom. why didn’t we all just go at bareburger? sam went somewhere and mira and i went to walgreen’s so i could buy nose spray. then i had to pee. sam said i could pee at a pizza place. mira texted her drug dealer while i was in the bathroom. when i walked out sam and mira were…i forget where. they knew my phone wasn’t working so they wanted to wait for me. sam bought beer. remember mira saying ‘you bought beer?’ and sam saying ‘yeah, i thought we’d have beer.’