by J. L. Beck
“Okay,” I say, already regretting that I let myself be talked into this.
Cole introduces everybody and as we sit down, I try to smile and not show my lack of interest in them. It's not in me to be this hateful, to not want to get to know someone when I meet them. But I don’t have it in me to pretend.
I order a few pieces of chocolate cake to go as soon as the waitress comes by, hoping to just get out of here as fast as possible.
A bad feeling sinks into my stomach, and to make matters worse, Cole lays his arm on the back of the bench behind me, making my skin crawl.
It feels too much like he has an arm around me, and I don't like it. I can feel his body heat close to my shoulders and unlike when Remington touches me, I don’t enjoy this. My body is screaming that this is wrong.
I’m completely zoned out of their conversation and when I finally come back to reality, I realize that all three of them are laughing. Even though I have no idea what we are talking about, I chime in laughing too.
I try not to meet their eyes and give away how fake my laughter is, so instead I look out the window. My breath hitches when I see someone walking away from the diner.
I don't see his face, but I don’t have to, to know that it’s him. Maybe he was meeting them here? I don’t think too much into it. I can’t allow myself to dwell on thoughts of him without becoming consumed.
“Chocolate cake to go?” The waitress comes out of nowhere, setting a bag on the table in front of me.
“Thank you.” I get up from my seat and grab the bag.
“Sorry to rush out but my friend is probably waiting at the door for me…well, for the chocolate cakes,” I joke. All I can think about is escaping this diner, and Cole and his friends.
“No worries, Jules. Maybe we can hang out sometime?” Cole says, there’s far too much hope in his voice.
I bite the inside of my cheek. No. “Sure, maybe…I’ll see you around. Bye guys.” I give them one last smile before walking out of the diner and back to my place. The walk back to the house doesn’t take long, and I actually enjoy the fresh air. It helps clear my head, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe, like really breathe. When I finally reach the house, I almost frown, wishing the walk could last forever. I’m not even in the door and Cally is all but ripping the bag out of my hand.
“Bridget, cake!” Cally yells down the hall. I smile…the first genuine smile today as she sits down on the couch and starts gobbling down the cake like she hasn't eaten in years. By the time Bridget and I sit down and get our pieces out, she’s already halfway done with hers.
“How was your day?” Bridget asks me in between bites. I tell her about the whole Remington thing that took place last night. I prefer not to keep secrets, and since Remington’s hate for me is known campus-wide, it’s not like I’m not telling them something they couldn’t find out via the gossip circles.
I open my mouth to ask her how her day was just as a knock on the door, interrupts me.
“I’ll get it,” Bridges says, already on her feet and walking to the front door. With her hand on the knob, she turns to look at me before opening it. “If it’s him, I’ll send him away unless you want him to come in?”
“I don't want to see or talk to him,” I tell her, and she nods before opening the door. I watch her face as she looks at the person behind the door. I see nothing but surprise on her features and I wonder who the hell is on the other side of that door.
“Oh, hey…”
“Hey, is Jules here?” I hear a familiar male voice, but it’s not Remington’s. I put the slice of cake down on the table beside me and get up from the couch. I know that voice, and the man it belongs to, and I won’t believe he’s really on the other side of that door until I see him in person.
Bridget gives me a confused look, and I know she doesn’t understand if she should slam the door in his face or open it and let him in.
“Let him in,” I tell her while I’m already halfway to the door. She swings the door open all the way and Sebastian walks in with a huge smile pulling at his lips when he sees me heading straight for him.
“Hey, little sis.” He grins, stepping closer, holding his arms out to me. I close the distance between us with one more step and throw my arms around his middle. Just like Remington, Sebastian towers over me. He engulfs me in one of his famous bear hugs and for a few moments, I forget that any of my troubles exist.
Unlike Remmy, Sebastian hasn’t changed much, he’s still the same brown-haired, cheesy grinned boy I remember and if he wasn’t buried in work all the time, I would have asked him to hang out with me already. He presses a kiss to the top of my head before releasing me.
His hands grab my shoulders, and he studies me, his hazel eyes roaming over every inch of my body as if he is looking for some invisible injury. I stare up at him, the resemblance between him and Remington is almost identical, so close they could almost be twins.
“You look terrible.” He frowns. “What did he do? Tell me now, so I know how hard to punch him in his ugly mug.”
I sigh. “I see you Miller boys haven’t changed when it comes to settling your arguments. Still using your fists to settle everything?”
Sebastian grins at me. “There are other ways to settle arguments?”
I can’t help but smile. “Come on in, sit down, and have some cake.” I usher him inside and close the door giving him no chance to escape. This is exactly what I needed right now, even more so after all the bullshit with Remington.
“Okay, you had me at cake.” He snickers and follows me to the couch where Bridget and Cally are eyeing us curiously.
“Oh, gosh. I’m so sorry…this is Sebastian, Remington's older brother,” I explain. “He just started working here, at the dean's office. Seb, these are my roommates Cally and Bridget.”
He gives them a small wave. “I’m the better brother.” He winks, and Cally coughs, while Bridget rolls her eyes.
“Not hard to be the better brother,” Cally says between bites. “No offense but your brother is a major dick.”
“None taken, but in his defense, he’s a little lost. A little conversation with my fist should straighten him out.”
They both look at him like they don’t believe him, and I don’t blame them, because honestly, I don’t really believe him. Remmy is too far gone for his brothers or father to bring him back.
“It was nice to meet you Sebastian, but I have loads of homework to do, so I’ll take my cake and leave you and Jules to catch up,” Bridget says before getting up and making her way to the bedroom.
“So you came here to tell me you’re going to beat up Remmy?” I grin.
“No, I came here to check up on you, which I’ve been meaning to do since you got here but I’ve literally been working ten hours every day. Also, I came here to let you know that you are coming to family dinner on Sunday.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s not like it used to be. Remmy hates me, and I do mean literally hates me. I don’t want to ruin your family dinner.”
He gives me a deadpan expression. “Dad wants to see you. He’s been asking about you all week and you know if you don’t show up, he’ll come here himself and get you.”
I chew on my lip. It’s not like he’s lying. Papa Miller will absolutely come here and get me.
“Come on, it’s family dinner,” Sebastian coos.
“Exactly, family dinner…” I say out loud even though I didn't mean to.
“Don’t even, Jules. You know you’ll always be a part of our family. It’s not our fault Remington is a dick. Dad loves you, I love you, we all do, and you know it.” His words are bittersweet, and I know he doesn’t know how much I need to hear them right now.
But he talks of a time in the past, a time when we were like family and I wish more than anything that I could go back to that. I just don’t see how we can, not with all the scar tissue, with all the hate pulsing between Remington and I.<
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Sebastian's phone starts to ring then, and he rolls his eyes as soon as he hears the ring tone. “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” He pulls his phone from his dress slacks and looks at the screen, his frown deepening. “It’s fucking work.”
He gets up, shaking his head, anger filling his features. “I’m sorry, Jules, I have to go. I’ll pick you up at six Sunday night, so please be ready, otherwise I’ll send Dad instead,” he orders, pointing a finger at me.
He gives me a quick hug and walks out the door a moment later. Only when he is gone, do I realize Cally’s still sitting quietly on the couch next to me. She’s curled up in a blanket, licking her fork.
“So is he single?” She wiggles her eyebrows, and I shake my head, a laugh emitting from my throat.
“Do not even think about it.” I give her a warning look.
“Aw come on, Jules, he’s cute.”
“Cally…”
She pushes off the couch, her now empty cake container in hand. “Okay, okay. But he’s seriously cute.”
“He can be cute, and still be left alone. You don’t want to get mixed up with those boys.” I sag into the couch, trying to think of how I’m going to get out of Sunday dinner with him. Remington will kill me if he finds out that I’m going to be there.
“Of course I want to get mixed up in boys...I just won’t get mixed up in that one.” She snickers and walks out of the living room.
What the hell am I going to do?
The last thing I want to do is see Remington...but I can’t let my fear of seeing him stop me from seeing his brothers, from seeing his father. I want to be happy, even if Remington doesn’t want me to be and I guess that answers my question.
I’m going to do what Jules wants…
I’m going to make myself happy.
9
Remington
I feel like a fucking idiot sitting on the couch waiting for Cole and Thomas to come home so I can ask them what the fuck I saw back at the diner earlier. I know rationally I have no right to be mad at Cole. He’s done nothing wrong. She isn’t with me now, and he has no idea about the history we share, but that doesn’t stop the jealousy from spreading through my chest like a lethal venom.
When the door finally opens and the guys walk in laughing and smiling, I have the urge to jump up and yell at them, what for…I have no idea. I’m acting so irrational it’s not even fucking funny.
“Hey, Rem,” Thomas greets me, and I give him a head nod.
“Hey,” I reply. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from asking them right away what the hell was going on. I don’t want to seem like I’m overly curious, or anything, because it’s not like me to want any more than a one time fuck.
A lot of the women I’ve fucked have also fucked all my roommates. It’s not unlike us to share, what is, is for me to act jealous. And since I know what that would look and sound like, I hold my tongue. I wait until they get some beer out of the fridge and settle down onto the couch.
Seems like a good amount of time has passed now.
“I saw you at the diner. I was walking by, but I didn’t want to interrupt your little…whatever that was,” I say, keeping my voice flat and uninterested when in reality I’m so fucking interested I want to scream from the rooftops.
“We were just on a little double date, no biggy,” Cole says nonchalantly. I grip my beer bottle so tightly I think it might break in my hand. What the fuck? I don’t understand why it’s bothering me so much. Actually I do, but I’m not ready to admit it to myself.
Allen and Kia walk through the door not long after, tossing their backpacks by the door doing the same thing that Cole and Thomas did when they walked in. They each grab a beer from the fridge before settling down onto one of the couches.
“How is everyone’s bet going?” Cole asks.
“Well, my chick is immune to bad boy charm.” Thomas frowns.
“Mine hissed at me the last time I tried to talk to her.” Alan chuckles. “I’m sure when I get her into bed though she’ll be nothing but a purring little kitten.”
“Way to turn a bad into a good.” Kia fist bumps Alan across the living room table and they both break out into laughter.
“Mine’s being a bitch. Having a hard time getting her to drop her panties,” Cole shakes his head in frustration. “I’m pretty sure she is interested in someone else.”
I roll my neck, the tension is thick inside my body. I haven’t had sex in days, and my emotions are spiraling out of control, that has to explain why I’m filled with this…this jealous rage.
“How is yours, Rem? I bet you already bagged her, didn’t you?” Thomas questions, with a grin on his face.
“Damn fucking straight I did,” I grin, and they all hoot, and holler. I don’t tell them that I didn’t actually fuck Jules, they don’t have to know that. All they have to believe is what I tell them.
“Well, where’s the proof?” Alan asks, taking a sip of his beer. The thought of them hearing Jules’ soft whimpers makes me sick to my stomach. I grit my teeth and shove my pathetic feelings to the side. Jules didn’t care when she broke my heart, when she shattered it into a million fucking pieces. She didn’t care when she went on a date with Cole… or when I tried to fucking talk to her. She doesn’t care about me, or anything that I have to say.
She’s the bet, nothing else, nothing more.
“As if I wouldn’t get proof…”
I pull out my phone and go through the voice recordings. I find what I’m looking for right away, but my finger hovers over the screen for a few seconds. There is a distinct sick feeling floating around in my stomach even before I hit play. That sick feeling is accompanied by a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that I’m about to make a horrible mistake. No. Think of your broken heart. Of how badly she hurt you. How much you loved her….and how she didn’t stay.
I shove that feeling down and bury it under a truckload of anger. I concentrate on that feeling, letting it fester, and eat away at all the good inside me, and nothing else, and that’s when I hit play on the recording.
We hear my voice first.
“Should I fuck your pussy or your ass?...Maybe I’ll fuck both. Tell everyone you were a whore that begged me to take both of your holes.”
“Remington.” Jules’ voice comes from the speaker for the first time and the guys start cheering a little. I feel that sick feeling eating through the anger, through the pain.
“You fucking asshole, why didn’t you tell us you already hit it?” Allen whispers while everyone else is still listening.
“Mmm, your pussy is already wet. You like this, don’t you? I bet you aren’t even a virgin. I bet you’ve slept with tons of fuckers just like me. Slept your way through life.”
“No,” Jules says, her voice tiny, weak and the guys cheer again, their grins something I previously would’ve enjoyed but now I can’t see the fun in any of this.
“I knew she was a fucking virgin…” Thomas snickers.
“Fuck…you’re so tight.” I hiss out and Jules’ quiet moans come through next.
I place a hand to my stomach, afraid I might vomit all over the fucking floor. Suddenly I’ve had enough. I can’t listen to this anymore and I definitely can’t sit here while the guys listen anymore.
Turning the audio off, I rush from the couch and into the bathroom. I slam the door closed behind me, and barely have a moment before the vomit starts coming. My heart pounds inside my chest as I grip onto the toilet, the sickness pouring out of me. Shivers rack my body, and it feels like I’m actually sick.
Jules will never know what I’ve done, but it doesn’t make it any better, it doesn’t change that I took that one single moment between us and turned it around, shared it, just to win a stupid fucking bet and all because I was angry, jealous.
Her words from earlier play on repeat inside my head, “You know what, Remington, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re beyond saving. The person I used to know, the man that ne
ver would’ve taken from me, or hurt me, no longer lives inside of you, and that’s sad, so fucking sad.”
Tears sting my eyes...she’s right, she’s so fucking right and I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to let go of the pain. I thought doing this would make me feel better, maybe even free me from the pain completely. I thought I would be happier knowing that I hurt her, but instead I feel only more pain…I feel like a piece of shit, like I’ve harmed an innocent individual.
I shake my head, there is no going back now. She is right. I’m fucking doomed. Way past saving. She has no idea how fucking sad my life has become, how lost I am without her. I’ve lost my one single reason to breathe, and now I’m suffocating, slowly losing the best parts of me.
“You okay, Rem?” I hear someone at the door and wipe at my face with the back of my hand. I can’t answer the door like this. I can’t let them know how weak I am for this girl.
“Oh, uhhh yeah.” I try to keep the pain out of my voice. “I had some Mexican earlier. Pretty sure it’s running through me,” I lie, knowing I can’t go out there right now. I can’t face them or let them see me this way.
“Okay, man, just making sure.” After what seems like forever, I flush the toilet, wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom.
I grab my phone off the couch and walk into my room. I sink down onto the mattress and stare at the ceiling, wallowing in my pain, wondering how I got to where I am? How I let things get to this point?
The guys and I walk into the house down the street, the party is already in full swing with the island in the kitchen as a makeshift bar and the living room as a dance floor. Thankfully the party isn't at our place tonight. I'm not sure I could handle it if it was.
It's been torture since I shared the audio with the guys. Days have passed, but the sick feeling clings to my bones, my insides like the plague. What I did was wrong...it was wrong with any other girl, but it was really fucking wrong where Jules was considered.
Some loud rap song starts to beat through the shit speakers, vibrating right through me, making the slight throbbing I already have behind my eyes worse.