Real Men Knit

by Kwana Jackson

  She shifted her feet and bit at her bottom lip. Jesse felt a pull tighten in his groin.

  “Well,” she started. “I’m going to head up. Make something to eat. Are you hungry?”

  Jesse shook his head. “I’m good for now. You go on up. I’m going to do a little more around here, but I’ll be up soon.”

  He saw Kerry hesitate but still felt relief when she didn’t question him further but headed upstairs. She had sent that text. Maybe she’d changed her mind? He let out a breath and leaned against the kitchen doorjamb. Like a silly kid, he looked up the stairs and wondered how long it would be before she finished eating and headed to bed herself. Just that thought gave him the same pull once again. Shit. He turned, flipped off the kitchen light and picked up his knitting, and then took the side stairs that led to the loft.

  Up here in the shadowed light looking down on the shop and the street beyond, there was still a buzz of summer-in-the-city evening activity; everything looked almost peaceful. It was almost as if he could pretend the last few weeks hadn’t happened and his life was still his own. Normal. And he was still him. Loved.

  He watched as a young couple passed, and the woman, who seemed to be in her early twenties, paused, pulling her guy’s arm, making him stop to look at the display of yarns still in the window. He could faintly see her expression, alight as she pointed to the little ice-cream cone display. She said something to her man, then he rubbed at her belly and laughed. Jesse smiled. From up here his life almost seemed calm, with the sounds of the street beyond, the cars, the people passing full of hope and possibilities. But could he ever be what they needed?

  Jesse turned and flipped on the old record player, and the clear but still haunting voice of Marvin Gaye rang out. He sat down and began to knit. The hat he’d started last night was nearly done. He was just decreasing now; soon he’d close. Jesse let out a long breath, then quickly sucked it back in when he saw orange toes come up beside him.

  Orange toes, brown ankles, shapely calves and the most delicious-looking thighs made Jesse suddenly ravenous.

  Kerry had changed into gym shorts and a T-shirt, and the whole thing had a sexy effect on her body. She was both sporty innocent and over-the-top hot in a way that had him thinking maybe he wouldn’t be getting up from his current position anytime soon.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought you were coming up?” There was a question at the end of her comment though no question was posed. She shifted, and he was entranced by the subtle movements of her body. Jesse forced his eyes up. “But you didn’t, so I came to check on you,” Kerry finally said. She looked from him to the record player, then back at him again. “You turned on music and everything, and didn’t even invite me to the party. No fair!”

  “I wouldn’t quite call it a party.”

  Kerry looked through the shelf and the collection of LPs, chose one and picked up the needle and changed the record. Al Green’s voice now came through. The soul singer was vibrant and full of energy, talking about how he was tired of being alone. True that, Jesse thought as Kerry shook her hips and swung her braids, instantly mesmerizing him. “Now it’s a party,” she said.

  Jesse turned away from her, looking back down at his knitting. Kerry paused, seemingly hesitant at first before sitting down beside him, her body flush against his. He felt his heart start to race as he swallowed down on a lump in his throat. Maybe it was better when she was up and dancing. Subtly he tried to inch away, but playfully she scooted closer. “You’re not getting away from me that easy, Jesse Strong,” she said. “Besides, I told you I wanted to talk—did you think I’d forgotten?”

  He sighed. “I hoped you had.”

  She smiled. “You hoped wrong. You know me better than that. Now spill it. What was all that about a loan?”

  He looked down but she shifted and reached out, her hand gentle but still firm as she turned his face toward hers. “I asked you that since I’m here and giving of my time—I think I deserve an answer.”

  He stared at her. Hard. “That’s just it. You’re giving enough. You don’t need this weight too.”

  She glared at him. “Are you actively trying to piss me off?”

  He raised a brow. “I could say the same about you.”

  She made a move as if to get up and he panicked, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back down. When she frowned at him, he put both hands up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you like that. But please don’t go. Could you just sit here with me a little longer?”

  She sighed and looked at him, her eyes going soft and round. But she didn’t speak; she only leaned back and sat next to him once more.

  He started to knit again. “Yes, there’s a loan.” His voice was hoarser than normal so he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it.” Dammit. It still didn’t sound quite right even to his own ears.

  She stayed silent. But he felt her tense next to him.

  “We—well, Damian just found out about it, so I don’t know how the OKGs know. It would seem that Mama Joy took out a home equity loan to keep the shop afloat and used the house as collateral.”

  He heard her suck in a breath. “Oh no! I’m so sorry. I wish she’d have told me. I could have helped her cut corners with inventory, and I’d have stopped taking a salary and gotten another job.”

  Jesse looked at her. “See, that right there is why I didn’t tell you. And probably why she didn’t. You don’t always have to sacrifice yourself for others, Kerry. Just like you’re doing now. Though I—I mean we need you so much, we know what it’s doing to you, and it’s not fair.”

  She groaned. “Shit on that, Jes, nothing in life is fair. If it was, she would still be here, we’d be in the black and none of us would have gone through any of the things we’ve gone through in this life. Hell, if life was fair, we’d have never met. Screw fair!”

  She put her head back and let out a low, ragged breath before shocking him and leaning her head on his shoulder. “It’s going to work out. It has to. Downward spirals can’t last forever.”

  Jesse afforded himself a half smile and continued to knit. “No, maybe they can’t.”

  She shifted then. Shimmied a bit and turned, reaching for something on the shelf above them, he guessed. Hopefully she was satisfied now that they’d had the conversation about the loan. Jesse let out his own sigh of relief but then gripped his needles almost to the point of breaking them when he looked her way. She was twisted around and contorted in the most provocative way. She let out a frustrated groan as she arched her back, showing off the cutest round behind, before she finally sat down again with a grin and a skein of yarn. Jesse felt like he might burst.

  “I love this yarn,” she said. “I think it would make a cute hat and gloves, don’t you?”

  He could only nod as she scooted closer to him still and pulled out the yarn and began to slowly wind it around her left pointer and middle fingers to make her own yarn ball.

  “You know we can just put that on the yarn winder and be done in less than five minutes,” Jesse said, his voice probably coming out harsher than the subject of winding yarn warranted.

  Kerry shrugged. “Yeah, but what else are we doing right now? You’re finishing off your hat, we’ve got nice music. I might as well wind this ball.”

  Jesse let out a breath. Might as well. There were worse and better ways he could be spending his night. But right now he couldn’t think of anywhere else he wanted to be. Or anything else he wanted to do. But she shifted once more to get more comfortable on the floor and against the wardrobe, and her hip and thigh rubbed against his, and in that moment the words stopped in the middle of his throat. He leaned his head back and, once again, his fingers began the methodical work of going in and out of the loops certainly, yarn creating stitches that decreased one by one, closing the hole on the top of his little striped hat. Not that, Jes. Don’t
think of that.

  This was a new scene for them. Kerry and him. Over the years, they had been up in this little nook, seated in this position, more times than he could count, only the roles were usually reversed. He was the one coming over to bother Kerry while she was quietly knitting away. He looked over at her. She seemed so content as she did the simple act of just circling the yarn around her fingers over and over again. He watched as she drew her fingers out of the center and her little yarn ball got bigger and bigger, bit by bit.

  She had beautiful hands. He’d always thought so. A rich brown, they were practically unlined and always looked so soft to him, almost delicate the way her long fingers tapered to neat oval-shaped nails. She made a habit of styling her nails in the simplest way. Usually the polish was either clear or pale pink. Sometimes she’d even step out in a lilac. When she was feeling bold, she would go with bright and multicolored nails, but it was always some version of something soft and her nails always stayed understated, never too long—definitely never long enough to get in the way of her knitting.

  As if sensing he was looking at her, she turned to him, her face nearer to his than he had expected, or maybe he got closer to her. He thought she might move back, but no, she just smiled. “What’s got you so interested over here?”

  He shook his head. “What?” he asked. “I, um, was just thinking about something.” Then he nudged his head at her yarn ball. “You’re really fast at that, huh?” Fast at that? How is that any sort of conversation?

  Kerry’s brows drew together and she shrugged. “I guess. It’s just something to do. Better than sitting here in silence doing nothing.”

  Doing nothing? What was that about? What could she be hinting at? “It wasn’t like I was doing nothing,” Jesse said, holding up his now completed hat.

  Kerry’s smile was huge and bright. She took the hat from his hands and held it up to the light as if she was holding some sort of winning trophy instead of a small knitted cap. “It’s so cute,” she exclaimed.

  She was so cute. Too damn cute.

  Jesse reached out and wrapped his hand around the hat, closing it into a fist. “It’s okay. It’s just a hat; it’s not that big a deal. Nothing to get all excited about.”

  She stared at him. Challenging him with her eyes. Or maybe he was just searching. Hoping for a challenge or, better yet, an invitation.

  Then he caught it. The moment her lips pulsed, opened slightly and closed again. She wanted to say something. Had that look like she wanted to say it badly. But she didn’t; he saw the moment when she shut down and retreated. She leaned back farther against the wall. Jesse looked at her and she swallowed. “You know I hope you didn’t take what Sister Purnell and the rest of her crew were saying today to heart,” she suddenly said. She swallowed again. This time her hip wasn’t touching his. No, there was now about a half-inch gap between the two of them.

  That half inch might as well have been three feet, or maybe a mile, the way it felt in the moment. He cleared his throat. Best to be nonchalant right now. “Of course I didn’t—why would I? It’s not like they weren’t saying anything I didn’t already know.”

  She whirled on him. “What do you mean something you didn’t already know?”

  “What are you getting all riled up for?” Jeez, that was unexpected. “I’m just talking about the fact that they are right and it’s best that you move on from here as quickly as possible. Get on with your life. Everybody knows that. There are better things for you out in the world than this place. More opportunities, better jobs, better people, better men.” The final word hung in the air and hung so long that he had to turn back away from her and look forward again.

  “I’m so fucking tired of this.”

  Jesse turned back to her. He was shocked. Kerry wasn’t one to curse, or to show her emotions so clearly either. He stared at her. Her head was back and she was breathing heavily, chest rising and falling as if there was a beast about to pop out at any moment. She turned his way and pierced him with her sharp gaze. “I’m sick of everyone thinking they know what’s good for me. Of thinking they even know me, for that matter. I thought I made it clear before that I’d be making the decisions when it came to my life and when, where and who I move on to. I don’t need my mother, the women of the neighborhood or even you and your brothers telling me what’s good for me, Jesse Strong. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a grown-assed woman. Now, if the problem is me being here, and you truly don’t want me here, just say so. I do have other places I can go.”

  She started to get up, forgetting the yarn ball that was still coiled in her lap. With her movement, the ball rolled and started to unravel as it headed for the stairs. She and Jesse both dived for it in unison, the words for the moment forgotten, all eyes on the yarn. Jesse made it first, grabbing the ball as he flipped over and held it up, grinning at her. “Got it!”

  But she was coming toward him; down and over him she went. Her body over his. Soft and lush with a sweet oomph! She hit him hard and he went instantly just as hard. Her glasses went askew, and he laughed as she reached up and righted them. “This is not the first time you’ve knocked me down up here, you know.”

  “Yeah, but this time it wasn’t my fault.”

  She nodded. “True. I’ll give you that one, but only partly.” She reached up and tweaked his nose. “If you hadn’t pissed me off, I wouldn’t have dropped my yarn in the first place.” He nipped at her finger.

  “That’s on you, miss. I didn’t do anything wrong. Blame the Old Knitting Gang.”

  She looked up at him more seriously now, and he realized that they were actually having this conversation with him on his back and her on top of him. “I blame you,” she said, “for actually taking their words to heart and echoing them back to me.”

  He swallowed, feeling himself getting even harder now that he realized the extent of their predicament. “Maybe we should have this conversation . . . sitting up.”

  “Maybe I’m fine right where I am.”

  He looked up at the ceiling, then back at her. She was over him, her face, her lips, her everything impossibly close.

  “Are you talking about fine staying in this house, or fine where you are right now, this moment?”

  Kerry smiled. That damned sunshine smile, the one that never failed to open his heart and make his brain all muddled. Sure, he knew it was nighttime, but there was a part of him you couldn’t convince it was ten past dawn. Surely the sun was rising, and the day was clear. “Right now, maybe I’m talking about all of it,” she said as she leaned down and brushed her lips against his.

  Jesse felt his heart slam against the wall of his chest as everything in him and every part of him seemed to move forward at once to meet her. She kissed him with eager, unexpected abandon that set everything ablaze, pressing her lips to his, at first cool then suddenly warm. When she ran her tongue lightly across the crease of his lips, he opened his mouth readily and tasted her sweetness for the first time, just about weeping with the pleasure of it. His lips tingled in time with his dick and he pulled her in tighter toward him. She moaned, the sound a low hum of satisfaction like she’d been wanting it for just as long as he had. The realization of that and the ramifications of it stilled him. Jesse froze, pulling back slightly.

  Breathing hard, he pushed back on her shoulders, tilting her up from his chest with slight pressure. The action brought her top half up, but her bottom half unfortunately pressed dangerously tighter to his own. Dammit, that wasn’t what he was going for. She grinned, not for a moment looking like their Kerry Girl but instead like the Kerry he’d dreamed of many nights over but never dared to mention.

  “We need to stop,” Jesse said. “We both know with my track record how this will end.”

  She smiled at him and wiggled once again. “Of course we do,” she said, then leaned in and ran her tongue across his lips once again. She licked up to his jawline, then kissed
and kissed and kissed again until she reached his earlobe. “It’s a good thing I won’t be staying here long enough to ruin you completely.” Then she nipped at his ear and came back to his lips and kissed him long and hard enough to curl his toes in his sneakers. His fucking toes! There was music. Strings, a guitar, horns. Wait. That was the record. Jesse stilled. Dammit, the record had stopped already. Shit, this was all Kerry.

  All thought escaped Jesse as he grabbed at Kerry and flipped her over. The yarn ball that was between the two of them slipped out and now rolled down the steps for real as he kissed her lips, her neck and headed down toward her breasts. She brought one leg up and wrapped it around his. He moaned and she purred. God, she truly was a dream. The most amazing dream. Of his life. He kissed her deeper. Maybe that was it. This was a dream. He was still asleep and any moment he’d wake up and the day would begin, life would be mundane, and he’d just have to deal with it.

  Oh well, he’d deal with that when he had to. Right now, he was going to enjoy this terrific fucking dream. He kissed Kerry harder and enjoyed the velvety stroke of her tongue along with the silky feel of her thighs, and that’s when he heard it.

  “Yo! Jes! Kerry! Either of you down there?” Kerry stilled below him. Her eyes wide, she clamped a hand over her mouth, fighting to hold back on her laugh.

  Shit, Lucas! In the name of Saint Phantom Anti-Cockblocker, go the fuck away.

  Jesse silently cursed his brother. As a matter of fact, he cursed all his brothers. Why did those bastards have the world’s worst timing? He looked down at Kerry and could tell she was now thinking extra hard. She was about to say something, but he put a finger to her lips.

  “Yeah, we’re here in the loft. Just finishing cleaning up. We’ll be right there!” he yelled. Then he let out a breath.