Live Without You

by Sarah Grace Grzy

  Ezra handed her her drink and they stepped back outside. She thanked him with a smile and took a sip, grateful to have something warm to drink. She nearly choked on the first sip of the hot, bitter brew. She managed to swallow before coughing, her eyes watering. Her tongue was convinced it had just tasted sludge.

  Ezra took the cup back from her as she caught her breath and looked concerned. “Too hot? I’m sorry.” His voice was remorseful.

  Piper shook her head and winced. “What did you order?”

  “A simple hot cocoa! I promise.” He muttered something about fancy coffee shops as he squinted at the markings on the side of the cup. “Oh. Oops. I gave you my coffee. This one must be yours.” He held up the other cup with a sheepish grin. “Sorry.”

  Piper chuckled at the look on his face. Then couldn’t help laughing. He joined in and they laughed so hard she collapsed onto a nearby bench, leaning forward and clutching her stomach. They finally recovered themselves and Ezra handed her the correct cup this time. She gave him a wary glance before checking the contents herself, which set him off again.

  It felt so right. Laughing. Drinking hot cocoa. With Ezra. It almost scared her how natural it felt.

  They finally set off down the path again, sipping their respective drinks in a peaceful silence. Finally, Ezra spoke. “Piper, I have something to say to you,” he said in a rush.

  She grinned up at him. He was just shy of a head taller than her. “Those sound like fighting words, Ezra Bryant.”

  He chuckled, but sounded nervous. “They’re not. I . . .” He stopped walking, looking down at his feet before meeting her gaze. “I like spending time with you, Piper.”

  Her breath caught and she didn’t quite know what to say. She bit her lip. “I . . . like spending time with you too . . .” Where on earth was this heading?

  Ezra continued walking, his gaze focused on the distant Cascade Mountains. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and praying, of course, and talking to my dad. And . . . I was wondering . . . if you would be interested in . . . pursuing a different sort of relationship with me. A . . . courtship, of sorts.”

  Whoa. He was asking . . . Piper’s heart rate picked up and her palms grew sweaty against the sides of the styrofoam cup she held. Ezra must have noted the alarm spreading across her face because he held up a hand and quickly continued. “I’m making a muddle of this . . . argh.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I like you, Piper. You’re smart, wise, funny, tenderhearted. I’ve seen you searching after God voraciously these past several weeks. Your dedication to your work and to learning more about your faith inspires me. I want to see if . . . if we could be something more . . .”

  Piper didn’t even know what to think at first. But as he talked, an apprehension welled up in her that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. The thought of such a committed relationship . . . it terrified her.

  “Ez . . . I don’t . . . I . . . I need—” She stumbled over her words, growing increasingly agitated as she tried to articulate . . . what, she didn’t know.

  Ezra instantly stepped into caregiver mode, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder and shushing her. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything right now. Just think on it, okay?”

  “I’m sorry . . . I . . .” She felt shaken. She needed to think. To be alone.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay. You don't have to be sorry for anything.”

  She nodded. “I should . . . get home now.” She said, not meeting his eyes. She’d probably break down if she saw his face. She felt bad for leaving him this way, but . . . she just couldn’t.

  He nodded gently. “We'll talk later. Drive safe.”

  Piper turned and walked back across the park to her car.

  The fear had come back. And she hated herself for letting it.

  Ezra watched Piper as she trudged back along the path, feeling like he’d failed somehow yet again. Maybe it was too soon. But he thought the timing was right. He couldn’t forget the look of alarm that had spread across her face as he spoke. And he hated that he had caused it.

  “God, what did I do wrong?” His groan scattered a few birds on the ground a few yards away. Piper’s car pulled away from the curb and he turned and set off at a jog through the park.

  Ezra finally reached the edge of the park and pulled out his phone, winded from his run. He pressed the speed dial.

  “Dad, how many times did Mom say no before she said yes?”

  His father’s answer was prompt, needing no preamble or explanation. “Six.”

  Ezra sighed and a light, sympathetic chuckle came through the line. “Hang in there—just give her some space.”

  He sighed again.

  P iper curled up on the couch, frustrated with herself and the world. It’d been two days since Ezra had asked her and she’d run away like Finley when the phone rang.

  “God, why? Why do I feel this way?” she asked aloud.

  Finley poked her head out from under the chair where she’d been napping, clearly confusing Piper’s prayer with the call for food. Piper ignored her.

  The word came softly like a gently spoken whisper. Trust.

  That was the problem. She hadn’t realized until now how much she’d come to trust Ezra . . . and it scared her. By trusting him, she gave him ways to hurt her. It was why she’d decided love wasn’t worth the risk. He could leave. He could die. And she’d been there, done that.

  It hurt. Too much.

  If you knew your brother would die, would you have chosen to not have a brother at all?

  The thought came out of nowhere and struck her like a physical blow. Would she have? She searched her heart and the answer she found there was emphatic.

  No.

  Love was worth the risk. She thought about how grieved God must have been by her anger and accusations. Yet He still chose to love her anyway. True love endured. It overcame fear. She scrambled for her Bible, turning to First John. “Perfect love casts out fear.” Would she give it up to avoid the potential pain?

  No.

  “God?” she whispered.

  His answer soothed her soul and brought instant peace to her mind.

  She reached for her phone. It rang and rang. And rang . . . Finally going to voicemail. She huffed and hung up, waiting a few seconds before trying again. And again.

  The shrill ringing startled him from his thoughts and the head of lettuce he’d been chopping for his dinner rolled to the floor. Ezra growled and picked it up before reaching for his phone. He jabbed the answer button. “Hello?” He winced. His voice sounded terse and short, making his greeting almost menacing.

  “First John 4:18, Ez.” It was Piper’s voice, sounding breathless.

  “I’m sorry?” He rubbed his forehead, confused.

  “First John 4:18,” she repeated. “Do you know it?”

  He wasn’t sure she’d ever sounded this excited. He was going to take that as a good sign. “Um . . . refresh my memory.”

  “‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear,’” she recited. “I’m not going to lie, you terrified me, Ezra Bryant.” He tensed as she continued. “But do you know what God asked me?”

  She seemed to be waiting for an answer. “No. What?”

  “He asked if I had the choice to not know, not love Paul, would I have taken it? Even if I knew he was going to leave me?” Her voice choked and his heart clenched. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. . . .

  “Would you have taken that choice with your mother?” she asked.

  Ouch. He didn't have to think about it. “No,” he said softly. Because while those days were the most tortuous days he’d ever experienced, he wouldn’t trade a single moment with his mother for anything else in the world.

  “No. I’ve now learned to treasure and embrace those memories of days spent with my big brother instead of shoving them away and locking them in a box. It hurts, Ezra. And I’m not going to say it won’t be hard trusting God in this. People leave, Ez. It’s what my life�
�s been full of and what I’m most scared of. From my parents’ abuse, to Paul’s death, even to you and your dad moving across the country. Although I didn’t realize how much that hurt until recently.” Her voice was soft, but then grew in intensity, showing again her adorable sassy side that reminded him so much of his mother. “But you know what? I’ve decided I don’t want to hide away in a little house in Nowheresville, Washington, trusting no one and being alone till the day I die. So—” She paused and he gulped, pretty sure now he knew where she was going with this.

  “So?”

  “So, yeah, I’ll be your girlfriend!” she squealed.

  He let out a whoop, pumping his fist in the air. Then she was laughing too.

  “You’re a pretty amazing lady, Piper.”

  He could hear the smile in her voice. “Yeah? Well, I think you’re pretty amazing too, Ezra.”

  “So . . .” He coughed. “How about dinner? I know I’m not going to be able to sleep this afternoon. I’ll just have to drink several cups of coffee when I get to work.”

  She chuckled. “Why do I not believe that doesn’t already happen on a regular basis?”

  P iper strolled along the rutted pathway through the park, her hand tucked securely in Ezra’s arm, autumn leaves crunching beneath their feet. There had been silence between them for the last several minutes, but it was the peaceful kind, a comfortableness existing between them that felt as natural as breathing. She looked back on where she’d been eight months ago and marveled at all God had worked in both their lives.

  Eight months ago had found her alone in a strange place, confused, lonely, angry at the world and God, and recovering from a gunshot wound to her shoulder. Now, she felt at home in the little town of Arlington and she’d finally learned to put her trust in God and her fears behind her—although that was still an everyday process. And she had a friend . . . one she hoped to marry one day.

  She snuck a glance up at him. Dark brown hair was unruly and long, dancing in the breeze. Similarly colored stubble lined his square jaw with a five-o’clock shadow and in his eyes was the compassion and kindness that made him so good at his job. She respected him—this man who threw his all into everything he did, taking more thought for those around him than for himself. And she’d grown to love him—the man who had been there for her, watching out for her, holding her while she cried, and quoting scripture to her over the phone in the night when nightmares tormented her and fear threatened to take her heart in its icy grip again. He silently loved, laying down his life for her, always pointing her back to God first, both of them knowing that their relationship was a trio, not a duo.

  “Piper . . .”

  “Hm?” She looked up at him again. He heaved a deep breath and she frowned. “What is it? Is something wrong?”

  “No, no, sorry. I . . .” He looked around as if expecting someone else to be there. She followed his gaze but he grabbed her arms and swung her back around to face him. “I’ve been doing some thinking.”

  She chuckled. “When are you not, Ez? Your brain’s always swirling. Makes me dizzy.”

  He grinned down at her. She could live with seeing that look on his face every day for the rest of her life. “Well, I think you’ll like what I’ve been thinking about this time.” He fished in his back pocket as if searching for his wallet.

  “Don’t tell me you lost your wallet . . . again.” He’d lost his wallet a few weeks ago, but lucky for him, Tyler had found it on a sidewalk outside a home where they’d responded to a call.

  “Nope, still there.” He grinned again, looking almost . . . giddy. Something was up. Ezra Bryant didn’t do giddy.

  He suddenly looked off into the left middle-distance. “What is that?” he asked.

  She looked, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. “I don’t know what you’re talking . . . about.” She looked back at him and her sentence faltered. He’d dropped to a knee in front of her. She lowered a brow and took a step back. “Ez . . . ?”

  He took a breath as if his life depended on it, then let it out, a serious look now on his face. “Piper Marie Redding, we’ve known each other for a long time.”

  She put a hand over her mouth and took another step back. He wasn’t . . .

  “These last several months of getting to know you more, I’ve decided that I don’t want to have to live without you. We’ve both strived to seek God first in our relationship and I feel like He’s calling us to the next step.” He sucked in another breath and she clenched both her hands over her mouth, tears slowly streaming down her face.

  “I love you, Piper, with all that’s in me, and would be honored to call you my wife. Will you marry me?” He held up a simple gold band with a modestly sized diamond in the middle, circled by tiny amethysts. She didn’t know what to say . . . she was still too shocked. She always thought she’d see it coming, but he’d completely surprised her.

  “Piper,” he groaned. “This isn’t helping my ego!”

  A giggle burst forth. “Yes! A thousand yeses!”

  “One will cut it.” He grinned, standing up. She threw her arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around her, spinning in a slow circle. She pulled back and looked up into his face, meeting his green eyes that sparkled with unshed tears.

  “I love you, Ezra Bryant.”

  He cupped her face in his gentle hands and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Not as much as I love you,” he whispered. Taking her left hand, he slid the ring onto her fourth finger. It fit perfectly. Maybe that was why Miss Cecile had taken a sudden interested in her jewelry collection just last week.

  He held up her hand and turned around. “Smile for the camera!”

  “Wha—?” Tyler and Mr. Bryant had appeared from the trees, grinning and giving them thumbs-up as Tyler snapped pictures left and right.

  Piper just laughed and shook her head. Hugs and congratulations were exchanged all around. Tyler, when finally finished snapping pictures, gave her a bro hug and a fist bump. And Mr. Bryant gave her a tight, gentle hug, then pulled back and cupped her chin in his giant hand. “Welcome to the family, Piper.” She smiled her thanks through glistening tears and he dropped a kiss on her hair before stepping away to give Ezra a fatherly hug and congratulations.

  Laughter filled the park, and she knew she was the happiest woman in the world.

  If such a thing were possible, Ezra would think he was floating on air. God was in His heaven, and Piper Redding, the love of his life, had agreed to be his wife. All was right with the world.

  After his proposal, a few close friends from church joined them at the park for a celebration. He glanced over at Piper. She’d been chatting happily since they’d left ten minutes ago—a sure sign she was excited. At the rate of her words per minute currently, she was beyond excited. And that thrilled him. She’d already experienced more pain and heartache in her short twenty-seven years than most people older than his thirty years had.

  He tuned back in to what Piper was saying, loving the sound of her voice and her giggle. She’d gone from saying how surprised she’d been and how happy she was to have all their close friends there, and now had stopped to take a breath and examine her ring for possibly the tenth time.

  “It’s so beyond perfect, Ez! I can’t even tell you.”

  He smiled through the windshield as he spun the wheel and turned onto the four-lane divided highway leading out of town. “I’m glad. Miss Cecile, and even my dad provided their expert opinions.”

  She sent him a mock glare and said accusingly, “You sent Miss Cecile snooping!”

  Ezra laughed heartily. She was quick. “I did not. Not really. She was just interested in seeing your jewelry box.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “It’s called snooping, Bryant.”

  He laughed again and she joined in. There was quiet after that except for the muted sounds of the vehicle. Piper reached over and put her hand on top of his resting on the gear shift, squeezing lightly. “I love you, Ezra Bryant.”

 
; He opened his mouth to reply, but a large, dark shadow suddenly appeared to the left in his peripheral vision. Gripping the wheel, he swerved before a fierce jolt shook him and rattled his body head to toe. He had one thought as fiery pain exploded and the world flashed white before he spiraled uncontrollably into a dark void.

  Piper.

  P iper blinked slowly and pulled herself out of the blackness. Her mind registered cool air blowing across her face, tainted with the acrid scent of burnt rubber. Something dripped down her face and she saw a splotch of red. Blood. Again. She fought the nausea rising.

  A soothing voice spoke to her right. “It’s okay, ma’am, you’re all right. Just hold still. Can you tell me your name?”

  “P-Piper. Piper Redding.” She turned her head towards the voice and saw a fireman cutting her loose from the car. Car. The accident. Ezra! Her brain kicked into gear all at once and panic clawed up her throat, making it hard to breathe. “Ezra! Ezra, where is he?”

  “Just stay calm, ma’am,” the fireman answered in that irritatingly soothing voice. “Was he the driver?”

  “Yes, yes, where is he? Is he all right?” Hysteria rose in her voice and she didn’t try to hide it.

  No. This couldn’t be happening. Not after all she’d been through.

  “He’s okay for now; we pulled him out before you, and they are loading him in the ambulance right now.” For now. What did that mean? If he died . . . she wasn’t sure she could take one more thing. God, where are You? You said You’d be here . . . but I don’t feel You right now. “Now, please hold still. You could be injured.” His voice now held a note of dismay as she tried to push past him and get out of the car. She ignored his protests and slipped out of the car, but was confronted with a paramedic and a gurney.

  “I’m fine, I’m not hurt. Really, I’m fine. Please just let me go to him!” She wasn’t above begging.

  The paramedic spoke up this time. “You’re bleeding.” She gestured to Piper’s cheek. “Just let me check you over real quick, then we’ll take you to the hospital to check on him.” Over the woman’s shoulder, Piper saw other paramedics loading a stretcher into an ambulance with Ezra’s still, blood-covered form on it. With a cry, she sprang past the paramedic and fireman, running towards the ambulance, one thought consuming her mind.