Nothing that I’ve helped Paige face so far had prepared me to see her break down after her cousins had left. I knew she’d been struggling to keep her composure during the trip to the hairdressers, which is why I’d hovered in the background. The moment they’d left, everything changed and she completely broke down in my arms. She cried about all her fears of not getting better, about never getting married and having children, about not seeing her family again. I had no idea anyone could hold so much inside of them, the way Paige had. I wanted to take all of her worries away, instead all I could do was hold her until she fell asleep. I won’t be leaving her tonight, but for now, I need a few minutes to get myself back in control.
My mother worries too, but about me, that maybe I’ve taken on more than I can handle with how sick Paige is. I know she wants me to go home, but I can’t. I want them to understand that I’m exactly where I need to be, which is by Paige’s side. I love her. She caught my eye way back when and no one else has since, and never will. Paige is it for me, and one day I’m going to tell her. I actually tell her all the time. I show her in the way I care for her. I’m not sure she realizes, or maybe she does and is too scared to acknowledge it. I know she gets embarrassed with how much she relies on me, but I ignore that. No matter where she’d gone to rest and get stronger, I’d be with her.
When I look at Paige, I see a beautiful and courageous woman who hasn’t given up on life. She’s changed and so have I, in ways I never imagined, but deep down I’m still the same guy who fell in love with Paige McKenzie two years ago. Her cousin would probably kill me if he became aware of the dreams I’ve had about her over those years—not all involved much clothing. In fact, the majority of them hadn’t.
Resting my head back against the door, I let my tears dry up and think about what she’s been through, knowing that today had taken its toll. It had to happen at some point. I’m just glad she wasn’t alone when it happened.
The hair loss only bothers me because I know how much it bothers Paige, otherwise I wouldn’t give a shit about it. She’s a beautiful woman whether she’s sick or not, which is why I’d fallen hard for her the moment I’d met her. Of course, her cousin, Dylan, who also happens to be my best friend, warned me away from her. He’d heard the rumors about me being a bit of a playboy with the ladies. It was all damn lies, spread by one girl who’d wanted more than what I offered.
The truth is I’m a damn saint, which is more than Dylan can say. Of course, I’d fooled around before meeting Paige, but as for doing the deed—not happened. Not that anyone would believe that, but there you have it.
I’m saving myself for Paige McKenzie.
52
Paige
5 months later
I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder when or if I’ll ever be the woman I was before I’d gotten sick. I’ve put some of the weight back on and my hair has started growing back silkier than it ever was, so I am happy about that and Seth certainly likes it. I hate seeing the large scar on my stomach where they’d operated to save my life, it’s a constant reminder that I will never have the family I’ve always wanted. I’ll never experience childbirth, or what it’s like to have a small voice say, ‘Mommy,’ and it makes me sad.
Inhaling and slowly exhaling, I move away from the mirror and slip the blue dress over my head, letting it fall softly down my body. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m alive, and so far, all of my blood work and scans have come back clear. I’d finished the intense chemo four months ago, much to my relief, and since then I’ve tried to get myself on the road to becoming healthy again. It isn’t easy, there are so many days when I struggle to get out of bed, but I do it anyway. I have Seth to thank for everything, and I’m not sure how to tell him just how much I appreciate everything he has done for me. He’s been with me every step of the way and now I’m on the recovery side of my illness, I’m afraid he’s going to leave and go back to the life he’d had before me.
Each day, I pray it isn’t our last together, but I know one day it will be. His parents won’t let him continue to be here with me, and I’ll have to go home to Lexington when that happens. I can’t blame them really and need to thank them for the time they’ve already allowed.
I really don’t want to be apart from Seth because over the six months we’ve been together, I’ve grown used to him, and I love seeing his face in the mornings. He has always been there for me, even when I was so sick that I couldn’t move. Not once has he left me, even when I know how upset he got at the illness eating away at me.
He’s my rock and I’m scared to death of him leaving me.
I love him.
That isn’t a new revelation, I was already halfway to being in love with him before I’d gotten sick, but afterwards, and seeing how much he cared for me, I fell the rest of the way. I’m just not sure what to do about it. I mean we’re still living together, but I don’t have the experience with boys to know how to move forward. I don’t know how to tell him that I want to be with him. Not because he’s familiar but because he’s inside of me and I don’t ever want him to leave.
Instead of looking away when he spots me looking at him, I hold his gaze, until he’s the one to look away or move away. When he passes me something, I always graze his hand with mine, and he acts like he doesn’t feel anything, as though he’s embarrassed. Maybe he’s no longer as interested as he was. Perhaps he’s had enough of me. I actually don’t know what to think anymore, which is why I’m nervous about meeting his family this evening.
They’ve decided to visit their beach house and their son and I’m wondering how long it will take for them to have him back in Boston. I have a feeling that they resent me for the decisions Seth has made because of me. There’s nothing I can do about that, it was his decision to make, and I’d wanted him with me, even though I’d struggled to accept him seeing me as sick as I was.
His mother has a sharp tongue from what I remember, and his sister is a carbon copy of their mother. His father is a snob and looks down his nose at everyone, including his own son. So tonight is going to be so much fun that I’m tempted to pretend I’m sick just to avoid them. That wouldn’t work though because the moment I’d mention to Seth that I was feeling unwell, he’d have me at the hospital.
Smoothing the blue dress over my growing curves, I leave the sanctuary of my bedroom.
I’ve decided that Seth’s family are not very nice people, at all. It’s so easy to see that his sister, Amanda, is the favorite, she’s been groomed to be a spoilt ‘brat’ and socialite. The way his father talks to him is as though he thinks Seth is an idiot. The embarrassing son. The more I listen to these people converse the more irritated I get. I want to pack everything up, grab Seth, and bring him to Lexington, where I know my family will welcome us both with open arms instead of disdain.
My hands tremble when I notice his mothers eyes are focused on me. She gives me such a deep look that I’m not sure what she wants or what she’s thinking. Right now, I wish Seth was sitting beside me instead of opposite, next to his sister. I feel like I’m under the microscope again, which is making my stomach unsteady.
“Paige dear,” her eyes are dark and narrowed so I know I’m not going to like what she has to say, as she continues, “I thought now that we’re here it would be a good time for you to head home to wherever it is you come from.”
Unable to hide the shock at her rudeness, a gasp escapes my mouth and silence settles over everyone. They’re waiting for my reply. Even Seth, He doesn’t say anything in my defense. I’m not sure what I expected. That’s not quite true, I thought he’d interfere for me with his family, but I don’t think that’s about to happen. Sadness hits me in the chest and if I stay much longer they’re going to see my tears.
“I’ve been thinking the same.” I force a smile for his mother. “I’ll head home tomorrow.” I shove my chair back. “Now if you’ll excuse me.” I finally turn my gaze to Seth and see the anger on his face, so I continue while holding his gaze,
“I need to go and pack.” Making my way across the patio on unsteady legs, I glance back over my shoulder. “Make sure you have the room cleaned professionally. You wouldn’t want to catch anything.”
Moving quickly, the tears slowly run down my face and when I’m finally behind the safety of the locked bedroom door, I give them free reign. I drop face down on the bed and curling into a large fluffy pillow, I cry. I can’t believe Seth didn’t say something. He has no trouble arguing with his parents over the telephone. I feel completely abandoned, I thought at one time he’d wanted me as much as I do him. That was obviously a misplaced assumption on my part.
Placing my feet to the floor, I wipe my tears with my sleep top before I slip onto the balcony, sitting in the dark of the night so no one can see me. During the height of my sickness, Seth would carry me out here and place me on the sun lounger, so I could sleep with a fresh breeze over my skin. I’d loved that.
Hearing voices below, I catch my breath before realizing how stupid I’m being. They can’t hear me breathing.
“You didn’t need to be so brutal,” Seth accuses. “God, that was awful.”
“What did you want me to say?” His mother scoffs. “Should I have told her the truth, that you’ve had enough of being her carer and wanted her to leave, but you didn’t know how to tell her.”
“That isn’t true.”
“I’m your mother and I know these things. You want your life back, and now you have it so stop complaining.”
I don’t hear anymore because I’m back in the bedroom packing my belongings into the large wheeled case I’d initially moved with. If he wants me gone then I’m gone. Not in the morning but as soon as I’m packed and find my ID. By the time I’m fully packed, the case is too heavy and there is no way I’m going to be getting it downstairs without help.
Damnit!
At least everything is packed, and I have my own things at home, so what the hell. Grabbing my backpack, I shove my kindle and cell inside, and quickly leave the room before I have time to really think about it. My cell is dead so I’m going to have to use the house phone to call a cab, which I’d rather not, but there is no way I’m able to walk into town for a cab. I don’t have the strength or energy like I used to.
Hoping like hell that there’s no one still downstairs, I move slowly, hoping my weakening legs don’t give out on me just yet.
“Paige?” Seth says, coming out of the lounge.
I look behind him to see his parents and sister now moving to stand behind him.
Inhaling, I ignore Seth altogether. “My cell is dead, so I was wondering if I can use the house phone to make a couple of quick calls?”
“Of course,” his mother Susan replies, a slight frown marring her breath.
Nodding, I turn toward the one phone in the hallway and call a cab, then I call home. If I had the strength to sort a commercial flight out, then I would. But I don’t have any strength left and I want my family more than anything.
“Dad?” My voice quivers when my father, Ramon, answers.
“Paige, what’s wrong?” I hear father, Noah, in the background, demanding to know what’s going on, and he gets hushed.
“Can you send the plane for me? I don’t—”
“Noah will call the pilot right now. You know where to go honey?”
“Yes,” I whisper, so close to tears.
“Go now and we’ll be on the plane waiting for you, and honey, we love you.”
“I love you both.” Hanging up the phone, I turn and notice I still have an audience.
“Your family have their own plane?” His mother asks.
“Yes.” I finally turn my eyes to Seth as I’m edging toward the door. “Thank you for everything, but all you ever had to say is that you’d had enough, and my family would have gladly stepped in. You know that.”
Turning away, it isn’t until I’m in the cab with the door closed that Seth appears, calling my name. I lock the door and indicate for the driver to put his foot down.
He wants me gone so I’m going.
53
Seth
What have I done?
I’m an asshole and I don’t know if I can do anything about it now. I broke any trust that she had in me. I showed her how much of a spineless idiot I am by letting her go, letting my mom talk to her like that. It killed me. My gut has burned for the week she’s been gone, and I think I’m ready to explode with anger.
I did what I thought was right, no matter how much I’d wanted her to stay. I wish I’d talked to her instead of allowing my mother to get to her. I should have protected her, but I knew if I did, that I wouldn’t have allowed her to leave. I’d have begged her to stay.
My relationship with her is probably forever over, and just when I felt she was finally seeing me in a different light. But what Paige hadn’t realized, and unfortunately, I had, was that she’d needed to go home to her fathers. She needed her family to help in her recovery. She needed that, and I wish to hell I’d been honest with her instead of letting everything play out the way it had. I’d needed to make sure she went without any argument because I know myself, and I wouldn’t have been able to let her go if she’d wanted to stay.
After she left, my family had left two days later, so I’ve been left to wallow in self pity and a hell of a lot of guilt. Not only that, but I’m constantly wondering how long I can wait before I follow her to Lexington and beg for forgiveness. It would serve me right if she slammed the door in my face.
Sighing, I notice the tide has moved closer to where I’m sitting, telling me I’ve been out here far too long. My eyes focus on the soft waves lapping at the shore, only to pull back leaving seaweed and other debris behind before sweeping forward once more, pushing them closer toward me.
Hearing a throat being cleared, my attention moves to the man standing close behind me. I recognize my friend Dylan’s voice but the sun setting in the distance, blinds me from seeing anything more than a silhouette.
Dropping to the sand, he stares out to the horizon, his arms wrapped around his knees. “I came here because I was mad as hell,” Dylan snaps, not entirely happy, “but you look just as bad as Paige does.”
I let silence settle over us before I can’t resist asking, “How is Paige? Is she eating? Sleeping? Getting some exercise?”
Dylan laughs, shaking his head. “Why did you let her think you’d had enough of caring for her? She’s under the impression that you only helped her because of your friendship with me. You pushed her away.”
I swallow hard, not answering.
“I haven’t seen her smile once since she’s arrived home. She forces food into her mouth because she knows she has to, to get better. She takes short walks with one of us everyday, and we push her a little bit further every other day. Apart from her sadness because of you, she’s doing well.” Dylan runs his hands through his hair. “You’re like a brother to me, Seth. It’s been you and me since we were placed in the same dorm room, but right now, I don’t know what to do with you.”
I grunt in response.
“You’ve had the hots for Paige since you met her, so there is no way she became an inconvenience to you—her words in case you were wondering.”
Wearily, I turn my gaze on my best friend. “I’m not tired of her Dylan. That would never happen.” I Sigh. “Ramon and Noah love her and have been worried about her spending all of her time with me. Paige wouldn’t head home. They wanted her home. My parents wanted their beach house back and me back to doing something with my life. I had Paige who I knew wanted to stay with me, but what the hell can I offer her back in Boston? I share a small three-bedroom apartment with you and Jaxon. There isn’t room to have Paige living with me. After everything she’s been through, she needs wide open spaces. She has panic attacks when we’re in the city.” I pause. “The last time we went, I got her to wear an eye mask, so she wouldn’t see the traffic, the buildings. It helped, but there is no way she is capable of living in a city right now.”
I look back out to the ocean. “It killed me letting her think I wanted her gone, but it’s the only way I could think of to force her to leave. I’ve become her security blanket in a way. I know her, and she wouldn’t have left unless I forced her to.”
Dylan curses under his breath. “So, you let her think you’re an asshole instead of giving her the choice.” I sense Dylan glaring at me. “That’s it, isn’t it? You didn’t want to give her the choice because you were afraid of what she’d choose?” He laughs. “You’re an idiot. With how moody she is I can pretty much guarantee that she’d have chosen to go back to Boston with you.”
“Well, I screwed up big time and I’m sure she hates me now.” I drop my head between my knees trying to catch my breath. “I love her Dylan and now I feel as though part of myself is missing. It was rough being the only one she depended on during her treatment and recovery, but we made it through. I love her.”
Dylan stays silent for less than a minute when he snaps his fingers. “You’re not going back to Boston yet.”
“I’m not?”
“No. You’re coming to Lexington with me.” He grins when I glance his way. “My uncles will welcome you there. You are going to stay right under Paige’s nose so that she has no choice but to see you every day. And you,” he points, “are going to find a way to make her forgive you for being a jackass because it’s really going to suck if you don’t get back together.”
“We were never together in the first place.”
Dylan rolls his eyes. “Maybe not officially, but unofficially my family had you both married.” He smirks. “So this is only going to go one way. I can’t have my cousin and best friend not speaking.”
McKenzie Cousins Box Set 2 Page 22