Shadows of a Dream

by Nicole Disney

  “Huh?”

  “Do you doubt that I am fucking crazy enough to come over here and kill you if you fuck with me again?”

  “Naw, man, I got you.”

  I hear a key slide into the lock in the front door. I take the gun from my waist again and point it at Ice. The doorknob turns. I don’t know why I’m not more afraid, but I’m really not. The door swings open. Metal Mouth walks through. He stiffens when he takes in the display before him.

  “Yo, man, what a grmm mash err?”

  “I was just having a chat with Ice, but I think we’re done now.” I look to Ice.

  “Yeah,” he says. “We straight.”

  “Your gun will be in the mailbox. You can come get it after I’m gone.” They both just stare at me. What can they say? I get up and walk past Metal Mouth. I watch for any sign he might try to grab me, but he doesn’t move. I reach in and close the door behind me, leaving Ice bloody on the floor and Metal Mouth stupefied in the entry.

  I walk straight down the driveway and put the gun in the mailbox like I promised, like honoring that will prove I mean what I say, and therefore make Ice think twice about retaliation. My heart rate skyrockets when I think about how real that possibility is, Ice coming after me. It starts to sink in how insane what I just did is, for so many reasons. I can hardly bear to even think about Jaselle I’m so furious and disgusted, yet here I am courting death in her name.

  My mission is complete, but I still can’t stomach going back to her. I can’t deny she broke something. It’s not the same, and I’m not sure it ever can be, or should be. She tore me in two, and the discarded piece feels like a lost limb. There’s no bringing it back. It’s just dead. What’s left is the same as ever. I still love her as much as ever, but there’s less of me.

  None of that adds up to regret. Ice earned his punishment, and I need him to go away if Jaselle is going to have any hope of getting clean. I guess I have to hope I was convincing enough he doesn’t try to kill me, or that it’s just not worth it to him to step into the ring with me again.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  The first time I met Jayden he put gum in my hair. Now he’s rubbing two quarters together between his fingers, trying to remember how to talk to me. I stare at his guitar in the corner wishing I could hear that heartache sound again.

  “Do I even want to know why there’s blood all over your hands?” he asks.

  “Probably not.”

  The thing about friends you’ve known since you were in the sticking gum in someone you like’s hair phase is that they have to let you in, even when they’re mad at you, even when you’re covered in someone else’s blood.

  “What are you doing here, Rainn?”

  “I, uhh…” I struggle. What am I doing here? “I guess I just don’t want to be around her right now,” I say. “I’m coming up for air.” I wish it had been Jayden who told me to do that instead of Benny so he would feel the impact.

  “What’d she do to you this time? She hit you again? That why you’re covered in blood? You get in a fight?” His stare is so cold. I feel like I’m fishing around trying to find him and pull him to the surface again. It feels exactly the way I feel with Jaselle most the time. I know you’re in there. Come back. Be you again.

  “Jayden, I know this may be too much to ask, but can you be nice to me? I really need you to be nice right now.” I fight the tremor in my voice. I don’t want to cry my way out of this. I know that’s not fair. “You can be mean again after this if you want, but can you just be nice for a little bit? I need you.”

  He stares me down for a long time. I’m determined I won’t be the one to break the silence. I’ve asked a question. I’ll wait until he answers. Finally, he takes a deep sigh, and like it’s the most painful thing he’s ever done he opens his arms.

  I hesitate for a second. I’m not sure if I want this this way after all. But who am I kidding, yeah, I do. I get out of my chair and sit next to him on the couch, filling up the space in his arms he’s offered. He wraps his arms around me, soft at first, like he’d really rather not touch me, but soon it’s back to his strong Jayden hug. He takes a deep breath and holds me, and I start crying.

  I wish I was crying for him. I wish I was crying because of what I’ve done to our friendship, about what I’ve done to Alex and Shiloh and Benny. I’m sure he thinks that is why I’m crying. I’m sure he thinks this is a plea for forgiveness, missing the band I have yet to even ask about. And in a way, it is. In a way, I’m crying for him. I’m crying that I hurt him. I’m crying that I know I won’t stop. I’m crying in relief that he still loves me. I’m crying in dread that he still loves me.

  But if I’m being honest, I’m also crying for me. I’m crying for Jaselle. I’m crying for what she’s done to me, at the images that are on loop in my brain. I’m crying about Ice. I’m crying that life went this way, that I don’t know how to break free of this net I’m tangled in.

  “What did she do?” he asks again.

  “I don’t really want to talk about Jaselle.”

  “Are you guys still together?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Whose blood is this?” he asks.

  “No one important.”

  He scoffs. “So you don’t want to talk about Jaselle, and you don’t want to talk about whose blood you’re covered in. What should we talk about?”

  “Who says we need to talk?”

  He sighs and squeezes me harder like he understands. I just want to sit here. I just want the quiet. He ends it too soon. Why can no one just shut up? For five minutes?

  “Rainn?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  His hand slides under my chin, and he pulls me up to face him. His lips land softly on mine. He just barely touches me and pulls away. His stare gets intense. I instinctively break it, but the second I do his hand moves to my cheek, much more demanding, and he kisses me again. I pull back. His mouth is hot, chasing mine, determined he’ll overcome my decision, but I put my hand on his chest and push him back. It’s just as easy as I always thought it would be, stopping him.

  “Why do you do this to us?” he asks. “Why do you resist it? We’re supposed to be together.”

  “Jayden, I am going to say this one time, and I want you to really listen to me. I am gay.”

  “I’m so much better for you than she is. You know I’d take care of you. I would never hurt you, Rainn.”

  “Of course you didn’t listen.”

  “You’re not gay,” he says. “If you’re gay why do I feel this way?”

  “I said I’m gay, not you’re gay.”

  “But I can feel that you love me too. I can feel it. We don’t have a friendship, Rainn, we have a relationship minus the sex.”

  “I could not disagree with you more. What we have is the definition of a friendship.”

  “You’re not understanding what I’m trying to say.”

  “No, I understand.” I know this will hurt him, which is the last thing I want to do right now, but this conversation is overdue. “You’re saying we have the chemistry of a relationship and that we have romantic feelings for each other, we just haven’t acted on them.”

  He doesn’t say anything.

  “It’s not true, Jay. I do love you. I love the shit out of you, and I will always care what happens to you, but we are close friends, nothing more. We used to pick up girls together, for God’s sake. Does that sound like a date-type activity to you?”

  “I wanted to take you home,” he says.

  “You looked just fine with your skanks.”

  “And that bothered you. You were jealous. Does that sound like a friend-type emotion to you?”

  “I was jealous because I wanted your time, not your dick. I wanted to write songs with you and play music.”

  “Wow, that’s sure changed.”

  I look at the ground. “I’m sorry, Jay.”

  “You remember Isaiah?”

/>   I roll my eyes. Why does this name keep getting thrown in my face? I swear to God, you have sex with a guy and everyone assumes you liked it. “Of course, I remember.”

  “You remember that night he fucked you up and I came and got you?”

  “Yes.”

  “What happened that night? What’d he do?”

  “I told you. He beat the shit out of me,” I say.

  “Why?”

  “He was wasted and thought I was cheating on him.”

  “And?” Jayden presses.

  “And when we started fighting about it I wouldn’t back down. I called him some names. He slapped me. I hit him back. It escalated. Jayden, you know all of this already. What is your point?”

  “He didn’t beat the shit out of you because he thought you cheated. He beat the shit out of you because you mouthed off. That’s what you told me. You fought back, and his women weren’t supposed to do that so he beat you until you couldn’t fight back.”

  “Yeah, I was there.”

  He sighs. “My point is that I know guys have done some shitty things to you, Rainn. I know why you don’t like guys. I know your dad wasn’t there for you because he killed himself. I know you were raped. I know Isaiah treated you like his slave. But I don’t want to be that guy. I’ve never been that guy. I’m the guy who picks you off the bathroom floor and fixes you up. I’m the guy who takes care of you. I’m the guy who’s always there.”

  “I know you’re that guy. But you’re still a guy. And if you think the reason I don’t like men is because they’ve done shitty things to me then by that logic I should just be asexual, because women have done some bullshit to me too.”

  “Why are you with Jaselle? I want to know.” His eyes flare with anger.

  “You already know. I love her.”

  “But she treats you like shit. I don’t know what she did, but I know she did something. You don’t have to tell me what it was, but please don’t insult my intelligence by saying you guys are fine.”

  “We’re not, but I still love her.”

  “She’s killing you both!” he yells.

  “You don’t abandon someone because they have a problem.”

  “You aren’t helping her by being there. You’re just watching her die. And I’m watching you die watching her die.”

  “I’m not leaving her to deal with this alone. She won’t make it.”

  “You can’t save her!” he screams.

  “I can!”

  “It’s too late, Rainn!”

  Flashing lights seize my brain. I choke on fumes and Jayden’s voice. My lungs are bleeding. “Just like Michael, right?”

  “Don’t you dare compare them!”

  “Why not? I could have saved him, and I will save Jaselle. Don’t fucking tell me I can’t. Last time you said that someone died.”

  “Last time I said that someone was already dead. How could you have saved him?”

  I’m stuck in my head. Blue. Red. Blue. Yellow. Clear!

  “How could you have saved him, Rainn? You were going to raise him from the dead?”

  “No. Before that.”

  “How?”

  “Shut up, Jayden. Shut up!”

  “You’re acting insane. There’s nothing you could have done. It was just the way the cards were dealt. There was—”

  “I could have kept him away from you!”

  He recoils. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

  “Jayden, I’m sorry.”

  “Get out.”

  “I shouldn’t have said it. I—”

  “Get out!”

  “You know what? Fuck it. It’s true. You were the one who taught him how to do it. You were the one who gave him the idea. ‘Try it, Michael, it feels so good. You’ll love it.’” I start crying. I know I’m losing Jay forever, but I’ve had this on my chest way too long.

  “That’s what you think of me?” he says.

  “It’s not an opinion, Jayden, it’s a fact. You sprayed the paint in the bag. You put that butane in his hand. You taught him that and it killed him! And you know what? It’s my fault. I saw you doing it and I knew it was wrong and dangerous and I let you do it anyway. I accept that, okay? I know it’s my fault, but look in the mirror. It’s yours too. My little brother is dead, Jayden! So fucking shoot me if I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

  Chapter Twenty-five

  “My tongue hurts,” Michael says.

  I hear the sound of his voice but not the words. I’m too focused on Jim Morrison’s voice seeping through the speakers. It’s like overhearing an intimate moment happening in the apartment next door.

  “Rainn.” Michael throws a pen at me. I look up. “I said my tongue hurts.” What a strange complaint.

  “You want a Popsicle?”

  He shakes his head. “Forget it. Let’s just go.”

  We grab our skateboards and go to meet Jayden and Shiloh at the bridge. We get there before they do and just sit by the water. It’s a pretty small stream, but ducks float by sometimes. It’s big enough for a bridge, I guess, although the bridge is old and probably isn’t safe anymore. Whatever it was built for is long gone now, so we’re the only ones who ever come over here. It’s quiet and peaceful, and perfect for songwriting. It’s also perfect for anything you don’t want to be caught doing since no one will find you.

  Jayden and Shiloh arrive, Jayden with his guitar slung over his shoulder, Shiloh with his bass. Michael has his drumsticks. He sets up some rocks to hit with them, testing the sounds they make and choosing a couple of his favorites. We mess around playing music for hours. Most of it is complete garbage, but it’s fun.

  Jayden breaks out some beer and a bottle of butane you would use to refill lighters. “Here, everyone have a whiff of this.” He holds out the yellow bottle for me. I pour some out on a rag and inhale it, as is expected. I feel it burning the inside of my esophagus. Another breath in and it’s pulled into my lungs. I choke, cough, but clean air doesn’t ease the feeling.

  “One more,” Jayden recommends. I take another, and he’s right. You take a little of the chemical in and it hurts. It chokes you. It makes your eyes water. Take a little more and you’re too high to notice. I pass it to Shiloh and fall to my back. My muscles won’t do anything. I’m outside myself. I don’t think I can come back if I want to.

  The thing about huffing is that it’s fun for a few seconds, a few minutes, no not a few hours, not even one hour. It fades, and you end up doing it again, and again. So we ride it out, drink some beer for a while, sing for a while, then start over. It’s about two in the morning when we throw our last empty beer bottles at the bridge wall and watch them shatter. Why do we destroy the things we love, littering our favorite little piece of nature with broken glass?

  I wrap my arm around Michael’s neck and pretend to be drunk enough to need his support. He laughs and does it right back. “Rainn?” he says.

  “Yeah?”

  “My tongue still hurts. Why does my tongue hurt?”

  “You been licking too much pussy?” Jayden asks. I’m irritated at the interruption. Michael’s question had been practically whispered to me and obviously wasn’t intended to be a joke. I smack Jayden’s chest and wish he would go away.

  “Don’t worry, Michael, big sis can give you some advice on that,” he says. I flip him off and shoot him a look I hope conveys that I sincerely want him to burst into flames right now. Jayden holds up his hands innocently and goes to terrorize Shiloh.

  “I don’t know why your tongue hurts, man. Is it bad?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. It’s just weird, I guess. Your tongue never hurts, does it?”

  “No.”

  “Hey. You ever miss Dad?” he asks.

  “Uh, no.” The question throws me off. “Why would I? I never met the guy.”

  “Yeah, you did. He held you when you were a baby and stuff.”

  I laugh. “I’m not sure that counts.”

  “More than I got.”

 
; Dad killed himself while mom was still pregnant with Michael. I was two.

  “What do you think is worse?” Michael asks. “Having your dad not even care about meeting you or having him meet you and still not care enough to want to know you?”

  “I think it’s about the same,” I say and rustle his hair.

  “I love you, Rainn.” His words slur together just the slightest bit. I smile and figure he’s pretty messed up. He holds his mutilated lighter up to his nose and sniffs. I start to tell him I love him too, but his head slips out from under my arm as his knees buckle and he hits the ground. Jayden and Shiloh think he tripped or something and are laughing, but I know something is wrong right away.

  I kneel down and turn him over on his back. His eyes are closed. His breaths are labored and irregular. “Michael?” I shake him. He wheezes pitifully. I can tell his attempts to breathe are absolutely useless, like a fish trying to breathe air. “Michael!” My scream stops Jayden and Shiloh’s laughing and they run over.

  I put my head on his chest and listen. I can’t hear his heartbeat or a lack of one over his fruitless breaths. “Call someone!” I yell. The wheezing stops, a slow exhale and silence. “Michael!” There are chemicals in my throat, burning their way through, acid chewing through my organs. I can’t breathe. I hear Jayden, frantic on the phone.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong! He just fell down and he’s not breathing. I think he’s fucking dying, man! Get up here!”

  My pulse is pounding in my ear. I open Michael’s mouth and breathe into it. I try to remember that fucking health class I took, but the only visual I get is of Sasha Walter’s cleavage. All I did that entire course was flirt with her. Fuck, Rainn, think.

  I try to listen to his heart again to decide if I should do chest compressions or not. Compressions? Is that right? Focus. Jayden is panicking too.

  “I don’t know, we’re not on a road! We’re by a bridge, sort of.”

  Five chest compressions, two breaths. Wait, is it five? Or Fifteen? Shit, I can’t fucking remember.

  “I don’t know what it’s called! We drove here on Willow Street and then walked a mile or something.”