Shadows of a Dream

by Nicole Disney

  “Five thousand,” Ice says. My breath stops in my chest. How did she get so far in debt? I busted my ass to get her what she needed. I guess she was always asking for more money, but beyond what I could find in the streets, I didn’t want to hear it. There were plenty of times she asked and I couldn’t provide, and when she didn’t press I certainly didn’t. It went away. That’s what I wanted, right?

  All the different times are pouring into my mind now. She’d go out, and she’d come back feeling better. And I thought…what? What did I think? That she got some from friends? That she stole things and sold them? Traded them? That she just waited it out until I could give her some money again? Who am I kidding? And when they cut her off? When they wouldn’t front her any more, that’s when she sold herself to Ice?

  “Five thousand dollars?” I repeat.

  “Five thousand,” Ice says.

  “I need time,” I whisper.

  “Time’s up, baby girl,” Short Shit says.

  “I need some time. I’ll find it. I’ll figure it out.” I’m already searching my brain for how to do this. Beg Benny and the guys? They hate her. They won’t do it. Lie to them? Steal? Sell myself? Throw myself before my mother? Nothing is too absurd to consider with Jaselle looking down a barrel.

  “Oh, look at her think,” Short Shit says. “I think we got some free blowjobs comin’, fellas.”

  “I’m sure there’s something we can figure out,” I say, sick to my stomach. “I need time. Tell me what I have to do to get you guys to give me time.”

  “Rainn, no,” Jaselle says.

  “Time’s up,” Ice says.

  “Tell me what you want!” I scream.

  “She’s had her warning,” Ice says.

  “What?”

  “There’s nothing you can do. She’s had her warning,” Ice says quietly. “It’s too late.” I see him pistol whipping Jaselle, demanding the money. I see her black eye. I feel her shaking by the door, thinking they’d come. Ice cocks the gun. I jump in front of Jaselle, putting myself between her and the gun, and I push Ice’s arm away.

  “Wait!” I scream and start crying, knowing I have nothing to offer them. I have nothing. I am nothing.

  “You got to get out of the way,” Ice says.

  “No, fuck you. You can give me time. I know you can.”

  “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Rainn,” Jaselle says. I turn and look at her. She looks so calm. “Rainn, move,” she says. I go and kneel in front of her and kiss her.

  “No.”

  “This isn’t your fault. I’m so sorry, Rainn,” she says. “I love you.”

  I can tell that was meant to be her good-bye “I love you.” I refuse to participate in that. “I’m not moving.”

  “Then we’ll just shoot you both, stupid,” Short Shit says. It was supposed to be a threat, but if they end up shooting Jaselle in front of me tonight I do want to go with her. What will I have if she’s gone? Who will I be if I fail to protect the person I love most again? If my everything dies in my arms again. It can’t happen. No. An idea finally clicks.

  “I want to talk to Derek.”

  “Mann, nawboddy talks uh Derk,” Metal Mouth says.

  “He wants his money, right?”

  “’Course he does,” Ice says.

  “I imagine he wants his money more than he wants a body.”

  “Yeah, but you ain’t got it,” Short Shit says.

  “I can get it. I know how to get it.”

  “I told you you’re out of time.”

  “Get him on the phone,” I say. “You’re not going to be allowed to make this decision. I need him on the phone.”

  “Man, you trying to get my ass kicked? I can’t go calling Derek over nothing ’cause some chick is in love. That’s why he sends us to do this shit, okay? He doesn’t want to hear the nonsense. Everybody says they’ll figure it out. No one does,” Ice says.

  “It’s not nonsense. You get him on the phone, and I swear to you I will make this interesting enough you won’t get in trouble.”

  I can see Ice debating it out in his head. I know Derek wants his money. I know he wants it bad. I know Ice probably already got in trouble for letting Jaselle get so far into debt. He should have cut her off a long time ago. He’d rather have the money than a body too.

  “Get him on the phone,” I say. “Please.” That word tastes so bad. How many times will I have to beg these assholes? “Please!”

  “All right, man. But I swear to God if you’re trying to set me up I’ll kill you both.”

  “You’re still the one with the gun.”

  He reaches in his pocket and pulls out his phone.

  “Man, what are you doing?” Short Shit complains.

  “Derek,” Ice says into the phone. “I’m at the house—” He’s interrupted. “No, everything is fine. We got her here. But there’s a chick here says she has an interesting offer for you.” My heart pounds while I wait to see if Derek will even be interested enough to talk to me. “No, man, I said everything is fine. I can blow her away any time you want. She just—”

  Ice nods and hands me the phone. I put the phone to my ear, and like Derek knows the second I can hear him he says, “This better be good.”

  “I have an antique Baldwin grand piano.”

  He starts laughing. “You think it’ll look good next to my stripper pole?”

  “It’s worth eight grand, minimum. You give me a week to sell it, and you can have it all.”

  He pauses for a second. “You’re going to overpay me?”

  “Yes. I’m going to overpay you for the time you’ve already waited and for the week I’ll need to sell it.”

  “That’s a pretty good offer. Almost makes me think you’re up to something.”

  “The piano is here. You can have your boys look at it if you want.”

  “I’m sure the piano is there, but even if my boys did know a goddamn thing about pricing antique pianos it wouldn’t mean you’re planning on selling it. How do I know you aren’t going to run?”

  “Isn’t that what you do, sir? Track down people who rip you off and kill them?”

  “It’s what I’m doing right now, as a matter of fact,” he says.

  “Then with all due respect, I don’t know what you’re worried about. Either I do what I say and you come out of this with a lot more money, or you come kill us and it all works out the same.”

  “Give the phone back to Gerard.” I figure that’s Ice’s real name and hand the phone back, making an internal note to laugh about that when this is over.

  “Yes, sir,” Ice says and clicks the flip phone shut. “Let’s go.”

  Noah looks stunned. I smile and take a deep breath.

  “What the fuck, dude?” Short Shit screams.

  “I said let’s go,” Ice says.

  “Ah, man, you are such a pussy. You shouldn’t have even called him. Let’s at least have some fun with them first.” He starts walking toward me. Out of nowhere, Ice’s fist connects and sends Short Shit to the ground. He looks at me deliberately, like he’s trying to tell me something. That he really is sorry, maybe? That’s he’s not such a bad guy? Do guys like Ice have those kinds of awakenings?

  He writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. “Call me when you have the money.” He turns around. “Get up,” he says to Short Shit, and they leave. Jaselle, Noah, and I all stay exactly where we are, like we’re frozen here until we hear the door close. Then we take a collective breath. Jaselle gets out of the chair and comes over to me. She wipes tears away from her eyes. “I’m sorry.” I just wrap my arms around her and kiss her head.

  “It’s just a piano. And then we’re done with them.”

  I look at Noah. I’m waiting for him to go off, but he doesn’t. “You okay?” he asks us both. We nod.

  “You?” I ask.

  He examines his bloody knuckles and shrugs. “Yeah, pretty much.”

  I smile. “Savage.”

  Cha
pter Twenty-seven

  It’s not just a piano. It’s the most beautiful piano ever made. It is my soul mate. It is my companion. It is the only thing that knows my every secret. It is my doorway to the past. It is my window to the future. It is the language of angels. It is worth $9,459 to a guy named Travis who owns a restoration shop. Thinking about Travis “restoring” my piano makes me want to eat battery acid for breakfast.

  But Jaselle is safe. That’s what matters. And she still hasn’t used. I think she knows she can’t now, not after what just happened. So even though I cry when I watch Travis take the piano, I really am happy. Even though I have to see Ice one more time to give him the money, I know this is over.

  I figure I should make the most of the positive energy that’s going around, so I take a walk down to the Cuff Link. My stomach twists as I stare at the building. Do I have what it takes to show my face here and convince this man to give the band I’m not even an official member of anymore another chance? He doesn’t need to know they kicked me out. When I set this right, they’ll take me back. They’ll remember who I am. I can be her again. I take a deep breath and open the door.

  “Hello,” Jimmy says from behind the bar. “I’m Jimmy.”

  “I know who you are, Jimmy. We’ve spoken several times.”

  His eyes roll up in his head while he tries to remember me. “Water?”

  I smile. It’s so good to be recognized. “That’s right.”

  “Brad, water girl is here,” Jimmy says.

  “Who?” Brad calls from the back.

  Jimmy turns back to me. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I don’t know your real name.”

  “Rainn.” I half consider giving a fake name. I don’t know how mad Brad is I wasn’t at the Chapel on the fifteenth.

  “It’s Rainn,” Jimmy says.

  Brad comes out in a huff. “You got some nerve,” he says.

  “Hear me out.”

  “Standing me up after the way you begged me to come see you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not going to lie to you; I didn’t think you were coming.”

  “Did we or did we not make an appointment?”

  “Yes, we did.”

  “Here’s the thing, Rainn, even if you are as good as you say you are, I can’t have unreliable people working for me. I need a band in here when they’re scheduled. I make posters and shit. I advertise on the radio. I can’t tell everyone to come and see the Suicidal Angels and then not provide the Suicidal Angels. You get what I’m saying?”

  I’m just impressed he remembers my band’s name. “Yes, I get you, Brad.”

  “So, what are you doing here, then? You know I can’t possibly hire you now, right?”

  “Brad, come on, you have to be kidding. How many times did you stand me up?” I ask.

  “I’m a busy man.”

  “Then don’t make appointments you can’t keep.”

  “I was trying to do you a favor, kid. I was trying to work you in. Shit happens.” Brad turns to Jimmy and asks for a shot.

  “Exactly. Shit happens. You’ve told me that at least ten times. You stood me up and you kept saying ‘shit happens, shit happens.’ Well, shit happened to me, Brad. I need another chance.”

  “Shit happens to managers, not to musicians.”

  “No, shit happens every week to managers and once to musicians. Come on, Brad, you know I’m good. I know you know I’m good. Just come down and see us. Any night of the week, you name it. It doesn’t have to be a weekend. I know Saturdays are hard for you.”

  “Saturdays are a real bitch,” Brad says.

  “Yeah, so come down during the week, whenever you can.”

  “I’ll be there tonight.”

  “What?”

  “Or do you have shit that needs to happen tonight?”

  “No! No, tonight is good. Zero shit happening. I’ll see you tonight, Brad.” I jump on him and kiss his cheek before he can stop me, then run out the door. I call Jaselle from a pay phone.

  “He’s coming to see us tonight!”

  “That’s great, baby.”

  “So, I have to go get my band back, and then I pretty much have to go set up. Can you come down?” What if it isn’t as easy as just getting them back? What if they have another singer? I don’t let myself dwell on it.

  “I don’t know, babe. I’m not really feeling well.” I can hear that in her voice the second I calm down enough to listen.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  She’s been sick off and on ever since she’s been clean. Mostly exhaustion, headaches, and depression. Her body is still trying to recover. I always get super nervous when she’s going through bad spurts of it. I know it breaks people all the time. “Are you sure? The guys can probably set up. I can come home for a little while at least.” That’s a dangerous idea. If I go home and she gets into a bad episode, it will be almost impossible to leave, but I’ll have to. I can’t miss this again. But I can’t let her relapse either, not now.

  “Rainn, I’m not going to use. I promise. I want you to go have fun and don’t worry about me. I’m just going to bed.”

  It’s exactly what I need to hear. I soak in the relief. Things are different, finally. “Okay, but if it gets bad call me at the bar, okay? Or call Noah. Just, call someone.”

  “Okay.”

  “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, Rainn.”

  The walk to the guys’ apartment feels longer than usual. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not used to walking so much anymore or if it’s because I’m excited to tell them about Brad, and terrified to show my face. Finally, the right thing to do comes to me. If they have another singer already and they don’t want me back, then the new Suicidal Angels, the one without Rainn, will still perform tonight for Brad. I owe them that whether I get to be part of it or not. I’ll be closer to earning back friends at least, if not my band. That’s what matters.

  Shiloh answers the door. The edges of his mouth twitch when he sees me. “Hey,” I say. It’s a little hard not to smile. Even if he hates me I can’t wait to see him happy.

  “Hey.”

  “Can I come in?”

  He turns around and walks away. I guess that means yes. I come in and lock the door. Alex is lying on the couch upside down twirling a drumstick. Shiloh and Jayden were playing video games, but it’s paused from Shiloh answering the door. Alex tilts his head a little to look at me. It almost looks like he’s interested in what I’m doing here, almost.

  “Can I talk to you guys for a minute?” No one answers. “Come on, please?”

  “Talk,” Jayden says.

  “Okay. Could you sit together or something? At least turn off the game?”

  Jayden turns off the entire TV and spins around so he’s looking at me. Shiloh turns around too but looks like he’s only doing it because Jayden did. Alex lets his feet flop down on the couch so now he’s sideways instead of upside down. It’s an improvement, I guess.

  “I know I fucked up, guys,” I say.

  “Yeah, you really did,” Alex blurts.

  “I know I hurt your feelings.”

  “Hella bad, dude,” Alex says.

  “I know it probably seems like I don’t give a shit.”

  “That’s exactly what it seems like.”

  “Dude, shut up for a minute,” Shiloh says to Alex.

  “I just want you guys to know that I really love you. I guess our friendship is just so solid I knew you would always be there, and maybe I took advantage of that. I didn’t realize how much of an ass I was being until it was way too late.”

  “You haven’t been yourself. I mean, you never, ever used to blow off band practice,” Shiloh says.

  “I know. And I just want to let you guys know how proud I am of you for throwing me out of the band.”

  They all blink at me vacantly. “Proud of us?” Alex finally says.

  “Yeah. I’m proud of you for stepping up when I wasn’t there f
or you. I’m glad you care enough about the band not to let it fail, to protect it, even from me. I know it sounds weird, but once I thought about it for a while it made me realize you guys are in this as much as I was. I know this is your dream too, not just mine, and I’m so sorry I blew an opportunity for you.”

  Alex is obviously melting. He was always the quickest to forgive. I search Shiloh’s face. It’s lost the marble texture it had when he opened the door. I can’t bring myself to look at Jayden. We have so much more to settle than this.

  “You know,” Alex says. “To be fair, you did get us the opportunity to begin with. We’re pretty massive screwups too. We put it all on you for so long. I just didn’t know what you did for us until you weren’t there doing it anymore, you know?”

  “I love you guys,” I say. “I know you’ll probably never trust me like you did, but I want to try to make up for it. Brad is going to be at the Chapel tonight to see the Suicidal Angels.” A twinge of dread that that doesn’t include me anymore flutters through me, but they miss it in their bewilderment.

  “Are you being real right now?” Alex asks.

  All I can do is smile and nod. Alex and Shiloh start running around the room picking up everything they’ll need, too excited for their own good. Alex kisses me on the cheek and hugs me. It’s driving me nuts that no one will give me a hint as to whether or not they have a singer, but I remind myself the hug is enough. They’re back in my life. Jayden is still on the couch, so I go sit next to him.

  “How did you get Brad?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Ask and you shall receive.”

  “It took a year of asking last time.”

  “I guess I asked better this time,” I say. He stays quiet. I can see he wants to say something, but he can’t seem to get it out. I just keep hearing my own voice echoing, that awful fight. Can we get past this? Will Jayden and I ever be okay? Can he forget the kiss? Can he forget the way I pulled back? Can he see me and not see her attached to me and all the things he hates? Can he get past what I said? Can he forgive me for telling him he put my brother in the ground? His friend? Why do I always forget how close they were? Is it easier for me to think I’m the only one who feels it? “I’m sorry, Jay. I shouldn’t have said it.”