by Krane, Kasey
19
Carmen
I opened my eyes slowly and found Judge, face turned towards me, asleep. As I stared at him, blond stubble on his chin, long gorgeous eyelashes splayed out, I realized the truth: I was falling in love with him all over again.
Despite my intelligent pronouncements yesterday to Jules about how I shouldn’t fall in love with Judge, goddammit, my heart must not have been paying attention. Last night, making love to Judge…it was just like high school.
Fuck, it was better than high school. In my more adult moments, I had always told myself that I had romanticized what had happened between us in that one special year together. I’d always thought that I was simply remembering it as this wonderful, amazing time together because I had been innocent. Naïve. Just a girl.
But last night…last night proved that it could be even more wonderful. Even more amazing. The magic was there between Judge and I. It was undeniable, and apparently not even 13 years could kill it.
No doubt I was being stupid. The problems between us were just as real now as they were all those years ago. But at least I was happily stupid. For once, I wasn’t going to contemplate the future. I wasn’t going to let it worry me. I was just going to be.
And I was going to let that be enough.
I reached out and gently stroked his jaw. He’s so goddamn handsome. Does he have any idea how handsome he is? Because it was hard for me to tear my eyes away from him. He was mesmerizing, not only because of his good looks but because my mind was constantly seeking out the changes in him. How had he aged? Tiny wrinkles around the eyes. More prominent cheekbones.
And sure as hell more muscle.
I slowly stroked my way down his chest; letting my fingers explore him, reacquaint themselves with his bod—
“Good morning,” Judge said quietly.
“Oh!” I yelped, my eyes darting back up to his. He grinned at me and I blushed.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Judge asked, interrupting my wandering thoughts. Delicious thoughts. He reached out and stroked my temple, bJudgeing my hair away from my face. “I don’t know how advisable it is to get shit-ass drunk with a head injury,” he said, worried.
“Well, I can say that last night was a hell of a lot of fun, and I actually don’t feel too bad this morning,” I said, surprised to find that was true. “I should feel worse than this, truly I should, but I’m not going to complain.” He ran his fingers past my mouth and I turned my head to nip at his fingertips as they passed.
His dark blue eyes darkened with desire, and I grinned sexily at him. “More fun than the drinking, though,” I breathed, “was the fucking. Even as drunk as I was, I remember that part in great detail.” He smiled back at me, his eyes full of a promise I couldn’t wait for him to deliver on.
“Well, I think that we ought to recreate the memory, just in case you forgot part of it. I’d hate for you to have forgotten something important.” He ran his hand down my arm and over my hip, cupping my ass cheek in his hand.
“That would be awful,” I agreed. I sucked in my breath as he slid his hand over my hip and down to my pussy.
We made slow, fuck-amazing love that promised to spoil me forever on sex with any other man. Because surely, truly, there was no way that another man could make me feel like this. No other man ever had.
As I flipped him over onto his back and straddled his stomach, staring down at him, I grinned. “I was daydreaming about having you in a science lab, which sounds weird, I know, but the part,” I slid my hand behind me, finding his cock, hard and ready and warm, “that I really liked in that daydream was where you had on a blindfold, and I had you,” I slid my hand down and around his balls, gently rolling them around my palm, “totally under my control.”
His breath was shuddering then, and his eyes took on this unfocused look of pure lust. “I—I…” he fought for control… “I’ll have to find a blindfold then,” he finally got out.
“Yes, that’d be nice.” And I slid back and impaled myself on his cock and rode him, my strong thigh muscles allowing me to take him on an endless ride of passion and fucking and—
I arched my back and cried out, and he joined me and the orgasm rolled over us as one, as I snuggled down against his chest, panting together, and hearts beating hard.
Finally, I propped my chin up on my fingers and looked at him, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. “Good morning,” I whispered, and he grinned back.
“Yeah, I’d say so.” We laughed and finally, Turbo, who’d been asleep through it all, came up alongside the bed, wagging his tail and licking me up my arm.
“Turbo wants to know why no one has wished him a good morning yet,” Judge said, laughing.
“Poor Turbo,” I said, laughing, and petted him. Turbo whined with happiness and sat down, cuddled up against the bed, eyes closed, blissfully content to be there and be loved.
I knew just how he felt.
“So since we don’t have any leads in the Sangre case,” Judge said quietly, “I was thinking we could do some hiking today. You spent the day inside yesterday, so I figured you’d want a day outdoors.”
“Oh, that’d be great!” I said excitedly. “I’d love to work off some of that alcohol I downed yesterday. Jules can drink a person under the table.”
Judge muttered something about, “or over the coffee table,” and I smacked him on the chest. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” I said, and then rolled off him and headed to the bathroom, leaving Judge on the bed to admire my naked ass as I moved. I knew he was - I could feel his eyes on me everywhere I went - but I didn’t mind. I began ruffling through the bag of clothes my dad had brought over the day before as Jules and I had been working our way through the first bottle of wine - thank God it wasn’t during the second bottle of wine - when I accidentally-on-purpose dropped a pair of undies to the floor and slowly bent over to pick them up, making sure to aim my ass right at Judge. At his sudden intake of breath, I smiled to myself.
There was nothing quite as fun as teasing the hell out of Judge, I decided.
After we showered - separately, much to my disappointment - and Judge had braided my hair and put on a new bandage, they got ready to walk out the door. Judge grabbed a hiking backpack of his, complete with a water bladder and plenty of room for food, and filled up the water bladder. I pulled on my old tennis shoes and a baseball cap to keep the sun out of my eyes, and then we were off. We left Turbo behind, whining pathetically, and headed to the garage.
“We’re going to be gone most of the day,” Judge called out to the Dead Legion on duty. “Why don’t two of you take the day off and leave just one here to make sure we don’t have a sneak attack from the Sangre? It doesn’t make much sense to have three guys guarding an empty house. I’ll text you when we’re heading back.”
The three men began good-naturedly arguing about who should have the day off, and I closed my eyes and tucked my head against Judge’s back as we pulled out of the driveway. He’d left his cut behind, saying that it was difficult to climb in the mountains with it on, so I was snuggling directly against him, only a thin t-shirt between my cheek and his back. It was amazing to feel the play of his muscles under my cheekbone. I wrapped my arms a little tighter around him and smiled.
It was going to be a wonderful day.
20
Judge
With lunch from La Casita in my backpack along with snacks and water, I handed it to Carmen who loaded it up onto her back and then snuggled up behind me on the bike. We headed out of town, and up into the mountains.
As we rode, I grinned to myself. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Carmen’s face when she saw our destination. Bishop and I had found it years ago and had sworn each other to secrecy on the spot. Judge had never shown it to anyone else.
Until today.
We wound our way up the mountain, Carmen’s curves pressed against me as we rode. She felt so fucking good. I had loved riding since the moment I bought my first Harley - a �
��94 Sportster 600 - but I had always done it alone. Just like remodeling the house, riding with Carmen was even better than riding alone.
Everything was better with Carmen.
As we reached an outlook point on the road, I pulled over and parked the bike. We swung off, Carmen leaving the backpack behind, and walked to the edge, where a solid fence made of local rock kept people from going any further. We stood together, my arms wrapped around her, as we looked over the Deming valley below.
I loved it. I knew that to some people, it was brown and dusty and ugly, but I knew the moods of the Sonoran Desert. So green, it hurt your eyes after a monsoon rain. Dark rain clouds on the horizon, boiling with rain and lightning. Early morning as the sun rose over the desert, promising a new start to the world below.
After a while, Carmen turned in my arms and grinned up at me. “Well, handsome, if you’re going to feed me some of this food in the backpack, we should probably get to a place where we can eat it.”
“So practical!” I said, laughing, and then kissed her. Because I could and oh God, it felt so good to kiss her whenever I wanted.
We headed back to the bike, but I grabbed the backpack and said, “Let’s hike from here. I have something I want to show you.”
She looked at me, surprised, but said, “Sure! I’ll follow you.”
We crossed the street and began climbing the hill, following a seemingly insignificant dirt path. I could hear Carmen’s breathing behind me, and stopped to let her suck on the Camelback tube to keep hydrated. It was a hell of a vertical climb, and it was hot. The last thing I wanted was for her to get sick.
Finally, we rounded a corner and the vista opened up.
“Oh. My. God,” Carmen breathed. I grinned at her, happy that she loved it as much as I’d hoped she would.
“I…I had no idea this existed!” she said, shock and excitement clearly stamped all over her face.
It was an oasis, a small piece of paradise, hidden up in the mountains. Green trees and shrubs surrounded the small body of water, and birds were calling out from the tree tops to each other. There was a spring off to the side where water bubbled and spilled out into the lake. After the brown of the desert, it was shocking to see, like we’d been transported to another world without warning.
She grinned up at me. “Oh, thank you, Judge! This is so gorgeous!” She flung her arms around my neck and hugged me. We stood for a minute, content in the shade of the trees, a cool breeze softly caressing us, her head against my chest.
It just felt…perfect. Like it always did with Carmen in my arms.
We pulled out the food and then, digging my hand around, I pulled out a light fleece blanket that I had shoved in there before we had left the house. “I thought we could sit on this while we eat - keeps the sand eating to a minimum.”
“There goes my diet,” Carmen grumbled playfully and I laughed. Which, if I thought about it, was all I seemed to do around her. She made me genuinely happy. It was a state of being I’d forgotten existed, until she came back.
We ate our way through the burritos and chips and salsa, throwing a chip to a particularly inquisitive bird that picked it up and flew away, chattering as it went. It was incredibly liberating to be this relaxed. To have nothing on my to-do list except feed Carmen and hike and fuck and to do whatever I wanted to do, really.
I should thank the Sangre for the vacation, right before I killed them, of course.
As happy and carefree as I felt, though, I knew that it was time. I had to tell Carmen how I felt; lay it all out on the line. Let her shoot me down, or let us truly be together. But I couldn’t continue to live with the thought that she was going to leave any day now and never come back.
I had to try.
She was lying on her back, the sunlight filtering through the trees, her hand trailing lazily in the water. Her eyes were closed and she was humming a happy tune. She was the very embodiment of contentment.
Here goes nothing.
“Hey Carmen,” I said and then my fucking voice cracked like a teenager and I had to clear my throat and start again and now she was staring at me, puzzled about my behavior. I hadn’t been this nervous since I had tried to ask Molly Harper out to a dance in 9th grade. As I recalled, she’d told me no, she already had a date.
I was rather terrified that talking to Carmen would lead to a similar result.
I swallowed, and tried again.
“I need to talk - will you just listen?”
She nodded hesitantly, her gorgeous aquamarine eyes showing her confusion, but she held her tongue. She rolled onto her side and gave me her full attention.
Carmen always was a good listener.
“All through school, the Miller’s were my life. In most ways, Mary Miller is more of a mother to me than my own mom could ever dream to be. Same with James, before he…passed away in that motorcycle accident.”
I remembered that day after high school, out on the road with the Dead Legion. I had been at the back of the pack and had only barely managed to swerve out of the way and not hit James and Mary when James’s tire blew. Two of the other members did hit them, and it was awful and Bishop was upfront and had kept riding and hadn’t even realized what had happened and I had gunned it to the front of the pack to tell him and the look on Bishop’s face when he saw his dad…
It was the same look I had on my face, I was sure. Because James Miller was my father in everything but blood and that day almost killed me too.
“Anyway,” I said, clearing my throat again, “at our high school graduation, I couldn’t leave James. Or the Dead Legion. I couldn’t leave my family behind.
“But Carmen,” I said, staring into her eyes, unblinking, as serious as I had ever been in my whole life, and I could only pray that she knew how goddamn much this conversation meant to me, “the last 13 years taught me that I can’t live without you, either. I don’t want to pressure you, but I need you to know that life is not worth living without you.”
I glanced away, gathering up my courage, and then said the words of my heart, even if they killed me to be spoken. “If you want me to, I’ll sell the house and my bike, and I’ll follow you wherever you go. Anywhere in the world, I’ll be there. If you want to climb K2 before breakfast every morning, I’ll carry your pack.
“Just…don’t make me tell Turbo that you’re not here to stay. I think he’d chew the leg off my favorite chair in retribution. I will do anything to make you happy, and if that means leaving Deming and the Dead Legion and Bishop and Mary, I’ll do it.”
It would kill me, but I meant it. Living without Carmen…it was unthinkable. I couldn’t go back to an empty house and a dog who whined at the door, always wondering where his Carmen went to and an empty bitch seat on my bike and a toilet seat that would stay any damn place I put it.
I sat there and she didn’t talk. She fucking didn’t say a word and the silence went on and on, and she was staring off into the distance, and I had no idea what she was thinking and it was killing me. Just fucking killing me. I was tempted to lean over and shake her shoulders but I didn’t dare. I let the silence linger as she thought.
“I’ve been running all my life,” she finally said simply, breaking the interminable silence. “Did you know I begged my dad to send me to boarding school? After that awful Cruddy Carmen summer,” she quirked the corner of her lips. I smiled back but my stomach was in knots and I wondered if Carmen had some sort of fast forward button on her because I wanted to know, “I didn’t want to go back to Harris Elementary. I hated Deming. I hated you.” She shook her head slightly, smiling, and said, “My nine-year-old self is very upset with me right now, you know. She’d never believe that I’d ended up dating you.” She grinned at me then, her eyes sparkling in the sunlight, a brilliant color that defied description.
“Anyway, my dad never really knew how to be a dad. When my mom divorced him and moved to wherever the hell she ended up, he had this little girl and I had, you know, hormones, and I think I was just too
girly for him. Instead of telling me to buck up and that that the nickname would eventually die off, he sent me to boarding school. He let me run away. Just like my mother had run away. And I think he was happy to do it because it was his ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card as a parent. The school could raise me, and he wouldn’t have to.
“But I’ve been running away ever since. Do you know how many schools I’ve taught at in nine years? Seven. I loved Santa Maria’s, and of course my Maggie, but I’d already been there a year. I was starting to feel the itch, the need to go. If the kidnapping hadn’t happened this summer, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have been there by fall anyway.”
I watched her carefully, trying to figure out where this was going. I loved hearing her talk, as always, but that fast-forward button would be damn handy about now.
“Seeing your house and what you did with the old Miller place…seeing Turbo and how happy he is after all these years…seeing your relationship with Bishop…
“Judge, I didn’t know what I was missing. These are all things I never even let myself want. I couldn’t grow up and settle down. Hell, I got it from both of my parents - look at my dad. That second marriage that ended halfway through our senior year? He never even tried again. He’s got commitment-phobia so bad, I’m surprised he even tried a second time, and hadn’t just given up after my mom left. And why the hell my mom and dad got married in the first place is beyond me.”
Carmen shook her head, bemused, and I broke out in a cold sweat. This was not going the way I wanted it to. In fact, he’d say that her comments were downright terrifying.
“But, the last 13 years also taught me something: I don’t want to be without you.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and reached out to her face, stroking her cheek, and she turned towards me, kissing the palm of my hand, before she looked back at me.
“I can teach in Deming. I’m pretty sure Harris Elementary is still there, and I imagine that a teacher who is completely fluent in Spanish and English would be in high demand. And then, we can travel during the summers - it’s a great way to escape the heat anyway.