Break You

by Jennifer Snyder

  I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back, tipping my head to the sky. I wanted to scream at her, to shout that she was blowing this all out of proportion, but knew nothing of that nature would make this better or make her believe me anymore. So I attempted to contain myself.

  “I do want to be with you, I promise you this,” I said in a low and controlled voice. “Granted, this isn’t the way I thought having a kid would happen for me, but it is what it is. I’ve accepted that and I’m not stringing you along. Okay? I’m not.” I pulled my sunglasses off so she could look directly in my eyes and stepped closer to pull her into me, but she shifted out of the way.

  “It is what it is, huh?” she muttered. “Great way to view it, Jason. Tell Marla I said hi.” She opened her car door and slipped inside. Before I had time to think, she’d already backed out of her parking space and was driving away.

  So much for fixing shit, all I’d managed to do was make it worse. Fuck my life.

  * * * *

  The crickets sang a song that mingled with the emotions resting in my soul. I tipped the ice-cold beer I held back and closed my eyes to listen. Blaire had avoided all my text messages and let all of my phone calls go directly to voicemail since she’d driven away and left me standing in the parking lot earlier. I’d finished out my shift, grabbed a burger from Burger Buns, a six pack from the gas station, and headed to Gramps’ house to sit on the dock over the lake and watch the sun go down.

  Surrounded by darkness, I polished off the remainder of my third beer and set it to the side. Leaning back against my palms, I felt the rugged, warm wood of the dock against them and wondered if the water would still be warm enough to swim in. I was still dressed in my swim trunks from work. It had been forever since I’d taken a dip in the lake. Maybe it was something I needed, something that would clear my head enough so I could figure out what exactly I should do to smooth things over with Blaire this time.

  I stood and slid off my sandals. Stepping to the edge of the dock, I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to dive in. My phone rang and I bolted for it, praying it was Blaire. It was.

  “Hey, listen, I’m really sorry,” I rattled off as soon as I answered.

  “Jason?” a voice on the other end said. It wasn’t Blaire. It was Paige.

  “Paige?” I asked, even though I already knew who it was. She let out a deep, shaky breath and I instantly knew something was wrong. “What are you doing calling me from Blaire’s phone?”

  “Because Blaire’s in the hospital,” she said.

  The dock beneath me spun. My entire world shifted on its axis as my heart roared to life in my ears. Pinpricks of panic stabbed my brain as a string of horrible thoughts trampled through my mind. “What happened? Is she okay?”

  “She’s going to be okay, but…Jason…” Paige trailed off. My heart dropped to my stomach and dizziness overtook me, causing my knees to weaken. “I think you should come down here.”

  I swallowed hard. “Is the baby okay?” My voice was barely above a whisper, but I knew she heard me because I heard her inhale sharply at my question. “Paige, please tell me the baby is okay.”

  “Jason, you really just need to come down here and speak with the doctors and Blaire. I don’t think this is something you should hear over the phone.” Her voice was thick with emotion and that was all the confirmation I needed to know that something had gone horribly wrong.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I pinched the bridge of my nose to fight off the tears I felt burning there. “Please tell Blaire for me.”

  “Okay.”

  The telltale beep sounded in my ear, letting me know Paige had hung up, and I crumpled to the wooden dock beneath me. An ache spliced through my chest as I released a deep breath in an effort to calm my speeding heart and racing mind.

  My child—whose heartbeat I’d only managed to hear once—was gone. I knew this. The truth of it soured my stomach. Gathering myself, I scooped up the keys I’d tossed to the side and slipped on my sandals.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  BLAIRE

  I wiped my nose with the crumpled tissue I’d been holding, and felt more tears spring from my eyes. How could this happen to me? Why? I wasn’t horribly out of shape. I ate fairly healthy. I didn’t smoke cigarettes. I didn’t use drugs. I didn’t even drink alcohol after finding out I was pregnant. Why? Why had I lost my baby? My chest grew tight as that question pounded through my mind.

  The door to my room creaked open, but I didn’t turn to see who’d walked through. All I wanted right now was to be left alone.

  “I called Jason,” Paige said. Even though her voice was soft and smooth, hearing his name made my tears flow faster. “He said he’d be here as soon as he can. I hope you don’t mind that I called him. I know you two were having a little spat, but I think he should be here for this.”

  I didn’t answer her. Realistically I knew she was right and that he should be here for this—it was his child, too—but I didn’t want him here. I didn’t care to see him at all.

  “Do you want me to get you anything while we wait for the nurses to discharge you?” Paige asked. I could tell from her voice she’d moved closer to me, but I didn’t turn to look at her. I couldn’t stand to see the sympathy in her eyes right now.

  We lapsed into silence. It buzzed through my ears and allowed my mind to wander to the same heartbreaking questions over and over again. Paige never spoke, she just stood behind me. I could feel her presence suffocating me even though she didn’t mean to. The door to the room opened again and I prayed it was the nurse with my papers. I was more than ready to go home.

  “I got here as fast as I could,” Jason breathed heavily. “They wouldn’t tell me much at the desk. What happened?”

  My heart stalled at the sound of his voice. I rolled to my side, putting up a wall between Jason and me. The tears spilled from my eyes and trickled off my nose onto the white sheets beneath me. Shoes scuffling across the tiled floor met with my ears and then a large hand slid across my back. A sob escaped me at the touch. I rubbed the heel of my palm against the center of my chest and squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to keep any more from escaping. All I wanted was for everyone to leave me be, to sink into the mattress of the bed and disappear.

  “Blaire?” His voice was so thick with emotion it made my tears flow faster. He obviously knew what had happened, so why did he need to hear me say it? “Tell me. Please.”

  “I’ll be out here if you need anything, Blaire,” Paige said. I heard the door creak open and then close softly behind her.

  The room was too quiet. My heartbeat was too loud. Jason’s touch was too comforting.

  “Talk to me, Blaire.” There was a pleading tone etched within his words and it tore at me from all angles. He shifted and then I felt the weight of him on the bed behind me. His face nuzzled against my neck as he lay down. His arm slid across my waist and he interlocked his fingers with mine. “Please tell me something.”

  I broke.

  My sobs ripped through the center of my chest, where I’d struggled so hard to suppress them. I squeezed his fingers in mine and brought my other hand to my face. The tears continued to flow relentlessly. Jason sniffled in my ear and I knew he was tearing up too. His hand squeezed mine tighter and I felt the ache in my chest grow as I thought of the words I needed to say.

  “It’s gone,” I finally managed. “Our baby is gone. I lost it.”

  Another round of sobs racked through my body and I felt my heart shatter and my soul rip to shreds right then. I’d slowly been getting used to the fact I was pregnant, that Jason and I were going to raise a child together, and then it had been ripped from me before I could truly enjoy everything about it. What was wrong with me? This wasn’t something I should be going through. A woman was supposed to bear children. What had happened to take that right as a woman away from me?

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jason whispered against my ear. His hand came up and brushed the damp hair away
from my face. “What happened? Are you all right? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with you, is there?”

  Everything stopped.

  …there’s nothing wrong with you, is there? The words floated through my mind once more.

  “Of course there’s something wrong with me. This isn’t the natural process. This isn’t something that is supposed to happen, Jason.” The words flew from my lips before I knew I was going to say them.

  He leaned up on his elbow and stared down at me. I could feel his eyes, but I never met them. “That’s not what I meant. I just wanted to know if you were okay. Do you have to stay here overnight? Are you in pain?”

  “I’m not in much pain now and I can leave when they bring me my papers,” I snapped. “You don’t have to stay. Paige can take me home.”

  There was a long moment of silence. I could feel Jason’s muscles tense and he released my hand.

  “I don’t have to stay? What the fuck does that mean?” he spat. “I want to stay. You just miscarried our baby. Of course I’m staying with you right now. Paige can leave. I’ll give you a ride home.”

  I looked at him then. His blue eyes were dark and wild looking. He hadn’t been crying, but it was clear to see he’d been on the verge of it. What did that say about us, about how we each viewed this baby? I was a complete wreck…and he couldn’t even shed a single tear.

  “No. You can leave. I’ll go home with Paige,” I said. My voice was flat, emotionless. My limbs were weak and heavy. I was exhausted. “I just want to be alone tonight.”

  Jason sat all the way up in bed, his back to me. I watched as he ran his fingers through his hair and inhaled deeply. He was still dressed in his swim trunks from earlier and a white ribbed tank top. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

  I sat up with a wince and leaned back against my palms. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I just want to be alone tonight.”

  He glared at me from over his shoulder. “No.” His jaw grew tight. “I’m not leaving you.”

  The stench of beer on his breath filled my nose suddenly and I lost it. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t smelled it before. “Where have you been? Have you been partying with Matt and Marla all night?” My blood boiled. If that was where he’d been while I’d been having a miscarriage I never wanted to see him again.

  “At my Gramps’ house, thinking about our fight from earlier.”

  “Were you drinking?”

  He nodded and ran his hands through his hair again. “Yeah.”

  “Alone?”

  His eyes met mine and I knew he understood what I was really asking—whether Marla was there with him. “Yes, I was alone, Blaire.”

  I cut my eyes to the wrinkles in the white sheet I sat on, hating I’d just asked that question. “Please just go. You don’t want to be around me right now—I don’t even want to be around me.”

  His hand moved to rest on my knee. “But I do, I want to help you through this. We’re a couple, this is what couples do. They help each other through the tough times.”

  A tear slid down my cheek. “But we aren’t, we aren’t a couple. You only wanted to be with me because I was pregnant with your kid…”

  “No.” He shook his head. “That’s not true and you know it.”

  “It is,” I said. I met his stare and said what I knew would make him walk away so I could be alone like I wanted tonight. “Now that the baby is gone you’re off the hook. You don’t have to pretend with me anymore and you’re free to do whatever you want. Leave.”

  His brows drew together. “Is that what you really think, how you view this? That I’m off the hook now?”

  I nodded, but didn’t drop his stare. “It is. So just go.”

  He eyes remained locked with mine while he chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment. Then he stood and walked to the door. “Fine.” He stepped out without another word.

  I crumbled back against the bed and cried. Paige let herself back into the room and came to sit on the edge of my bed. Her hand was cool and gentle as it rubbed against my back to soothe me.

  A nurse came in with my papers and some instructions on things to look for over the next ten days. I heard her, but couldn’t focus on her words.

  All I could do was cry.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  JASON

  She told me to leave. She thought everything between us had been nothing but pretend. How the fuck could she think that? I pulled at my hair as I paced in the parking lot. A knot formed in my stomach and the tears that had threatened to burst from my eyes in the room finally fell free. Everything came crashing down on me at once and I fell apart right there in the parking lot.

  When I finally managed to pull myself together, I cranked my Jeep and headed home.

  The lights were off when I pulled into the driveway. Mom was home, but she was sleeping. Wiping the snot from my nose with the back of my hand, I killed the engine and headed inside. My legs had a Jell-O-like quality to them as I walked to the door and down the hall to my bedroom. Flopping on the rickety twin from my childhood, I bawled my eyes out until I fell asleep.

  * * * *

  The Cross Meadows sign was glaring at me in a mocking way. A cool breeze blew through the trees, causing leaves to fall and dance across the parking lot. I crammed my hands in the front pockets of my shorts. Fall was coming. The signs of it approaching were everywhere.

  I hung my head and chewed the inside of my cheek while I waited a few more minutes. I knew Blaire was inside, waiting on me to leave, but I’d decided that I wasn’t going to leave today until she talked to me. It was going on week four since I had walked out the door to her hospital room, and I’d beaten myself up about that moment ever since. I should have stayed. I should have known staying was the only way to prove to her that everything she’d said had been wrong. Instead I’d been an idiot and left, and she hadn’t returned my calls, replied to my texts, or responded to my Facebook messages since.

  She’d cut herself from my life and all I wanted was her back.

  The automatic doors to the front of the building slid open, but it wasn’t Blaire that came out, it was some short girl with wiry red hair dressed in scrubs. Her face was pinched and her strides were powerful and precise. She was a woman on a mission, and she looked pissed off as hell.

  “Blaire doesn’t want to see you. She’s made that clear,” she snapped and I fought the urge to smile. “If you don’t remove yourself from the property so she can get into her car and leave without you interfering, I’m afraid we will have to call the police to have you escorted off.”

  I leaned back against the trunk of Blaire’s car a little more. “Is that what she said?”

  “Yes,” the woman muttered. “You’ve been warned.” She spun on her heel and started back toward the doors.

  Jesus, was this for real? Blaire had sent some man-hating She-Ra out to tell me to leave or she was calling the cops? I pulled out my phone and sent Blaire a text.

  No need to call the cops. I’m leaving.

  Peeling myself off her car, I sauntered back to my Jeep. I’d be back tomorrow, after work—just like every other day this week—because I was nothing if not persistent. There had been this yearning in me to learn what the doctors had said in regards to why she’d lost our baby, but my reason for wanting to talk with her went deeper than that… I wanted to be with her again.

  I missed her. I missed us.

  My phone chimed in my pocket. When I pulled it out and glanced at the screen my heart skipped a beat. It was Blaire.

  Just leave me alone, Jason. Everything happened the way it did for a reason. We weren’t meant to be together. I can accept that, why can’t you? ~ Blaire

  My eyes skimmed across the screen, rereading her words. They were wrong on so many levels.

  I don’t buy that at all. Not even for a second. Bad things happen, Blaire, simple as that. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

  I cranked my Jeep and reversed out of my parking space. As I drove past th
e automatic double doors to the building, I caught a glimpse of Blaire standing on the other side of them. Her face was expressionless as she watched me drive away.

  She looked just as broken as I felt inside.

  When I pulled into the driveway behind my mom’s car, I cut the engine and sat there. I checked my phone to make sure Blaire hadn’t responded back and I just didn’t hear it, but she hadn’t. Slipping it into my pocket, I grabbed my keys and climbed out. Mom met me at the door. She opened it and I walked in past her.

  “How did it go? Did you get to talk to Blaire at all this time?” she asked.

  I didn’t look at her; I already knew the look that would be reflected on her face. It was one I’d seen on more than one occasion since I told her what had happened—hope—and I couldn’t stomach the sight of it right now.

  “Not really.” I opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. “I watched for her the entire visit with Gramps and never saw her.”

  I was sure the nurses she worked with had some sort of secret code for me being in the vicinity so she would stay away, because too much time had passed for us not to run into each other there.

  “But?” There was that sense of hopefulness. It had made its way into her voice now.

  It had killed Mom when I told her the news about the baby. Later, when I thought on it more, I understood why. It was like the universe was dead set on bringing all these wonderful things into our lives and then ripping them away just when we were happy and content.

  I popped the top on my soda. “There really is no but… One of the girls she works with came out and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave, so I left.”