Fighting For Life

by Kylie Alyssa Forte

  I really shouldn’t have been complaining, though. I mean, it was my fault . . . all of it. Aiden’s broken heart and anger were my fault, my broken heart and despair were my fault, Briana’s broken heart and anger were my fault, that whole family’s broken heart and shattered existence were my fault.

  Jeremy Clark’s death was my fault. The fact that I owed twenty-five thousand dollars to a drug lord was fault, plus, so many other things were all my fault.

  I was frozen because my whole life was messed up and along the way, I managed to mess up their lives as well, plus, they were the only family that I knew of that I messed with.

  Like Aiden said, there was no telling how many other people I screwed over or killed. There was no telling how many other people I’ve broken.

  At that point, I wished that I would have just succeeded at killing myself when I was fifteen, then none of the other stuff would have happened.

  Aiden, Bri, and everyone else who I ever came into contact with could have been happy, any other person that I hurt with the drugs would have been okay, and I wouldn’t be hurting so much.

  I should have died. It wasn’t brave of me to get up and continue on . . . it was selfish.

  That night after I left Aiden was terrible. I was stuck in a constant panic attack after I left. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t stop crying. The only thing that I could do was think about Aiden and his whole family.

  I sat there and thought of all of them. The family that I personally tore apart, then proceeded to pretend I was a part of. I was so stupid; I knew that there was no way that I could ever be a part of a family. I didn’t deserve one.

  The panic attack didn’t subside all night long. It was well into the morning when it finally let up. I just sat there and was hurting. The panic attack left me in tatters, and I was in so much pain afterwards. I was hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally.

  Pure and torturous pain was all that I felt.

  I sat there and just wished that I were numb. My chest was aching so badly, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  As soon as I left that house, I felt like I couldn’t catch an actual breath. I was just . . . broken.

  I deserved it. It was all that was going through my head. Over and over again, I deserved it.

  They didn’t understand, I didn’t have a choice! I just needed them to listen! I just needed to explain!

  Aiden’s voice entered my mind, “Explain what?!”

  He was right. There was no adequate explanation for it. There was no excuse for my actions. No matter what had happened to me, I shouldn’t have turned to drug dealing. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and yet I continued it anyways.

  All I cared about was myself. Never once had I stopped to think about anybody else that I was hurting.

  I should have never entered Aiden’s life. I should have let Demetri kill me, then, I would have never known this hurt . . . this pain.

  There was a giant hole in my chest that just made it hard to breathe. I should have never fallen in love with him, or let him fall in love with me. It was a lie.

  But was that actually true? If I could do it all over again, would I? Would I deny myself the love that I found with him and his family?

  Was it all really a lie?

  It wasn’t a lie. I loved him more than life itself. However, I wasn’t sure if I would redo it if I had the chance or not. I mean, I had found a happiness that I never thought I’d find with anyone ever, but they were hurting. They were hurting because of me, so really, I’d give up anything to bring Jeremy back to end their suffering. It didn’t matter what it would cost me.

  I continued sitting there, letting my mind assault me over every single bad thing that I had ever done. It all led up to that very moment. I was so hurt and sad that I didn’t even realize that the sun came up and hours passed by.

  By the time I came out of my head and panic, it was already late in the morning, and I was late for school.

  School. My heart ached at the thought of seeing Aiden. His broken expression from before was burned into my mind. I was the cause of it, and that made me want to throw up. I had never meant for everything to happen the way it had, and I would have given up my whole life to go back and fix my mistakes, but that was not how life worked . . . You don’t get redos.

  I completely messed up everything.

  I needed to fix it! But I couldn’t. Nothing could bring Aiden’s dad back. Nothing would make any of it okay. There was not an explanation, not an apology, not tears . . . nothing.

  I got up from the bench and walked to school. I didn’t know what I was going to do or say to Aiden and Briana, but I needed to do something. I needed to make it better. I knew that it was impossible, but I had to try.

  I got to school late and signed myself in. It was almost eleven. I only had an hour until I was going to see Aiden. I needed to figure out what to do or say. I needed to figure out how to not lose him.

  I sat through my classes impatiently. I was completely terrified at how Aiden was going to react when he saw me. I didn’t know if I could handle seeing his broken face again.

  Finally, the bell rang, signaling the beginning of lunch. I walked slowly to the cafeteria. My impatience seemed ridiculous at that moment. At that moment, I wanted to do anything except walk into that room and face the people that I broke.

  I shook off my fear and walked into the cafeteria. I had to be brave. My eyes immediately locked with Aiden’s across the room.

  Pain. Excruciating pain—that was what I felt when I saw the shattered expression on his face. The expression that I was responsible for.

  Aiden stared at me for a few seconds, only to walk out of the doors on the other end of the cafeteria.

  I immediately followed him out into the hallways. I needed to try and make him understand! He at least deserved to know why I did what I did. He had to know the reason why his father died.

  He walked quickly down a side hallway, then turned down another.

  “Aiden! Stop! Please . . .” I called, trailing him. “Please, please stop,” I said brokenly when we reached the end of the deserted hallway.

  He had two options to get away from me—he either had to turn around and go back the way he came, or he could go through the door on his left, up the stairwell. I just needed him to stop and listen.

  After several moments, he finally turned to me. When he did, my heart was shattered. He had tears rolling down his cheeks, and in his eyes, I could see how deeply wounded and broken he was because of me.

  My eyes immediately started watering, and my breath became shallow.

  I did this . . . I did this!

  “What?! What do you want Aubry? To see me like this? To see how fucked up you made me?! Well here it is, Aub, here it is!” he said as his voice broke at the last sentence.

  My instinct was immediately to go and comfort him. When I took steps forward, he immediately recoiled, and my stomach clenched. I completely messed up.

  “Aiden . . .” My voice was barely above a whisper. I closed my eyes tightly and wished that this was just a dream. Surprise, it wasn’t. “Aiden, I-I am so sorry. I-I never meant for any of this to happen. I love y—” I was saying when he cut me off.

  “Don’t you dare say those words to me!” he bellowed loudly, making me cringe. “Don’t you dare say that you love me! Someone who loves me would never have done what you did,” he said in angry calmness. His eyes were filled with anger, and I hated that the anger was directed at me.

  “I . . . just listen to me Aiden! Let me explain to you what happened. Why I was out there. . . . why I was selling,” I pleaded with him. I just wanted him to understand.

  “Why? Why does it matter? Either way, my father is dead, my sister is scarred, and I am broken.” He pointed behind me as Bri and Brandon stood there silently.

  I hadn’t even realized that they were standing there. Bri had a sad but furious look on her face, while Brandon was standing protectively behind he
r looking at me with a sad look. Everything was just . . . sad.

  “So, why does it matter why?! Don’t you get it Aubry? It’s over. All of this bullshit that you masqueraded around with is done! If you really loved us, then you would just leave us alone! You wouldn’t try to explain. You wouldn’t corner me in a hallway. You would do as I say and leave us alone!” he said while breathing hard and wiping more tears off of his face angrily.

  I was taken aback, but ultimately, he was right. I just needed to leave them alone. I needed to let them be and let them live their lives without me.

  I bowed my head in defeat and nodded.

  “Okay,” I whispered solemnly. “Okay . . .” I repeated even quieter.

  “Good,” he practically growled while walking to Bri and Brandon behind me. I watched as he walked away, letting my tears fall freely.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “I know,” I heard Aiden say quietly as he spared me one last look.

  He put his arm around Briana’s shoulders, comforting her crying frame and walked away. He walked away from me and out of my life. I watched as my whole heart walked away from me. Sobs escaped my mouth loudly, and I collapsed to the floor. He was gone.

  I was unaware of the person that bent down to my level until he brushed my hair off of my forehead softly. I looked up to him immediately.

  Brandon. His sad face was before me and unshed tears were in his eyes.

  “Just give them time,” he whispered and kissed the top of my head softly. With that, he got up and walked away from me as well.

  I let out more sobs. I thought I was going to drown in a puddle of my own tears with the amount that I had cried. I sat there, collapsed in a heap on the floor for a long time. Before the bell rang, I finally convinced myself to get up, so students wouldn’t come to trample me.

  I moved into the restroom and locked myself inside one of the stalls. It was there that I let myself cry hysterically for the rest of the day until the final bell rang. It was there that I realized how badly that I had screwed up. I ruined everything.

  ***

  Aiden

  The moment that I opened my eyes, I just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. I wanted to pretend that nothing was going on. However, the emptiness beside my bed reminded me painfully of the reality in my life . . . the emptiness in my heart.

  The sun shined into the room brightly, making me close my eyes tightly. Fuck.

  I groaned and looked around the room silently. It was a complete disaster. Everything was thrown around and broken. It looked like a tornado barreled through last night.

  Aubry. She was a storm that came in and completely messed up my life. She destroyed everything around me. However, the beauty standing in the eye, in the middle of it all, made it all worth it. She was worth it.

  I shook those thoughts out of my head as I let my hangover kick in full force. At least the hangover made my head hurt too much to think about her. At least I had something else to focus on.

  “Aiden if you don’t get up in the next five minutes, I’m going to come in there and make you wish that you had gotten up at five in the morning!” my mother yelled through the door threateningly.

  “I’m up Mom!” I said harshly as I threw open the door hastily.

  “Good. Now get dressed,” she said, looking at me with concern.

  I took a quick shower and got ready for school. I avoided any shirt that she touched. I tried not to think about her, but even my hangover wasn’t strong enough to block her face out of my mind. She was everywhere!

  I smelled her in my body wash. I saw her on my bed, laying there looking gorgeous. I could still taste her lips from our passionate makeout sessions, I could still feel her arms wrapped around me tightly with her face buried in chest, I could even almost hear the sound of her giggling at something small. She was everywhere, and it was making me want to throw up.

  I practically ran out of my room and into the kitchen. My mom made breakfast, but my stomach churned violently at the smell.

  I got way too hammered last night. I could barely remember Brandon getting me home and into bed. I just remembered her. I kept thinking about her. Her long brown hair, her beautiful eyes, her . . . no . . . That was enough. It was all ridiculous. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore . . . her nothing.

  I munched on a piece of dry toast as I examined my busted-up knuckles. I had beaten two guys at the Underground in a couple of pick up matches. I beat them into a pulp. I was hitting them as hard as I could. One of them even had to even be carried out on a stretcher. I was just so angry.

  After breakfast, we all got into my truck and headed off to school. We were all pretty silent, which was weird, especially for Brandon.

  “Do you think she’ll be there?” Briana finally spoke while wiping a tear from her cheek.

  “I don’t know, I don’t know,” I said softly.

  “Maybe y’all should give her a chance. Let her explain herself,” Brandon said thoughtfully.

  “What do I care why? The point is, she did it. She sold illegal drugs to him, and now he’s dead!” I said angrily to Brandon.

  “Okay, damn. It was just a fucking suggestion, asshole!” he said, holding his hands up in surrender.

  We made it to school. Bri was still crying as I parked. I sighed softly and reached back to hold her hand. She met my eyes, and I felt tears come to my eyes as well.

  “I miss her,” she whispered.

  “Me too,” I answered in a soft tone.

  “But I also can’t stand her! I want to hate her! B-But I can’t. I just, can’t!” she said sadly.

  “Me too,” I said again with a squeeze to her hand. “Come on, let’s get to class. Maybe this hellhole will distract us.”

  ***

  School was dragging by with no sign of Aubry. Granted, I hardly ever saw her outside of lunch. Still, there was no sign of her.

  As lunch came around, I was not looking forward to it. I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t even know if I truly could. I just felt so many emotions when I saw her sweet face. It all made my head spin.

  I walked into the cafeteria and there were no signs of her. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when I thought that she hadn’t went to school that day. It gave me more time to work on my anger.

  I spoke too soon.

  She stood there in the doorway as she looked at me. It was as if I had seen a ghost as we stared at each other. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  I needed to, though.

  I broke free of her captivating stare and rushed out of the cafeteria. She was hot on my heels, making me want to run, but I still didn’t. I just speedwalked. I could hear her calling out to me from behind.

  I soon came to a dead-end.

  “Please, please, stop!” she said in a sad tone.

  I clutched my eyes shut as tears fell down my cheeks quickly. I could go up the stairwell, but I was sure that she would simply follow me. What did she want? To mess with me some more? I was already so messed up; messed up because of her.

  I hastily turned to her, silently taking her in. As we stared at each other, her eyes immediately filled with tears. The sight only made my heart break into even more pieces, but I didn’t want to be sad! I wanted to be angry!

  So, that was what I focused on, my anger.

  “What?! What do you want Aubry? To see me like this? To see how fucked to you made me?!? Well here it is Aub, here it is!” I said angrily to the girl in front of me as I tried not to cry.

  She took a few steps forward, her hands reaching out to me. I immediately stepped back at her advancement. I couldn’t let her touch me. I had a feeling that I would forgive her immediately if she did. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let what she did be okay.

  “Aiden . . .” she whispered softly. “Aiden, I-I am so sorry. I-I never meant for any of this to happen. I love y—”

  “Don’t you dare say those words to me!” I cut her off quickly.

&nb
sp; How dare she try to claim that she loved me? She didn’t love me!

  She shied away from me because of my loud and angry voice. My chest clenched painfully at the sight. That was what I needed though . . . distance.

  “I . . . just . . . listen to me Aiden! Let me explain to you what happened. Why I was out there, why I was selling,” she practically begged. Brandon’s words from earlier echoed at the back of my mind.

  “Why? Why does it matter? Either way, my father is dead, my sister is scarred, and I am broken,” I said, not understanding how an explanation could make anything better.

  Bri’s expression from behind Aubry made my whole body buzz with anger. She had already been so hurt. Aubry being there pleading with us was only hurting her, hurting us, my whole family even more. She needed to leave us alone.

  “So, why does it matter why?!? Don’t you get it Aubry? It’s over. All of this bullshit that you masqueraded around with is done! If you really loved us, then you would just leave us alone! You wouldn’t try to explain. You wouldn’t corner me in a hallway. You would do as I say and leave us alone!” I said with pent-up aggression.

  If she just left us alone, maybe, we could all heal. Hastily, I wiped away more tears, but more fell down in its wake. I needed to heal . . . away from her.

  There I was, crying over Aubry, the girl who ruined our lives. However, all I really wanted to do was go forth and hug her. I wanted to let her try to fix what had been broken.

  That was the issue though, it couldn’t be fixed.

  She hung her head low and nodded.

  “Okay,” she whispered brokenly. “Okay . . .”

  “Good,” I said through clenched teeth as I held myself back from touching her. I wanted to touch her.

  I walked past her and engulfed my sister in a hug. I couldn’t do anything but watch helplessly as Aubry’s tears fell down her face. Her shirt, the same shirt that she had on yesterday was being soaked in them. I tried to choke back my own tears at the scene, but a few stray ones fell out of my eyes. I loved her so much, but everything was broken.