by Voss, Deja
“I want to tell him,” I say. “I think I should tell him today.”
“Okay,” she says, rolling over to hug me. “I think that’s a great idea.”
He must have heard the alarm, although I swear the kid knows the second I snap my eyes open in the morning. He stands outside the doorway in his pajamas, smiling from ear to ear, like today’s going to be the best day of his life. That’s how he looks every day. I might be a badass biker, but this kid melts my heart.
“Uncle Hank, Aunt Stacy! Are you awake? Can I come in?”
“Get in here, bud,” I say, patting the bed. “Did you sleep good?”
He squirms his way in between us, his little head peeking up over the top of the covers.
“Are you going to the shop today?” he asks.
“Yup. I gotta make some money so I can afford to keep feeding you.”
“Darn,” he says. “I want to ride the lawnmower with you.” I have to laugh at this kid. He’s obsessed with anything with wheels, but the only thing we’ll let him near at this point is his tricycle and the riding mower. He even has a helmet he wears when he sits on my lap while I mow the grass.
“We just mowed two days ago,” I laugh. “Plus, you’re going shopping today.”
“Boring,” he says, making a fart noise as he gives us two thumbs down.
“Hey!” Azalea teases. “It’ll be fun. Maybe if you’re good we can swing by and pick up this guy after work and go mini golfing.”
“Boring,” I say, making a fart noise as Jesse starts to giggle like a maniac.
“Well, I feel outnumbered here,” she laughs. “You two are impossible.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something, Jesse,” I say to him, my heart pounding. I have faced a lot of insanity in my day, I’ve seen a lot of really terrible things, and I’ve never been as scared as I am right this minute.
“You’re not going to send me back where I came from are you?” he asks. “I promise I won’t be mean to Aunt Stacy anymore. We can go mini golfing.”
“I don’t think you’re being mean, sweetie. We would never send you away.” She hugs him until he squeals, and my heart breaks that this kid lives in a constant worry that we’re going to give him back to his mother.
“I actually want to talk to you about something, bud,” I say. “Do you remember when you first came here and we had to put a q-tip in your cheek?”
“Yeah,” he says, shrugging.
I take a deep breath. I don’t know how to say it. I know he’s just a kid, and I know no matter what I say, he’ll probably be confused, but I want to do this right.
“Well, we took a little bit of your DNA when we did that.”
His eyes grow wide. “Am I going to die?”
“No,” I say, running my hand through his golden mohawk, laughing nervously. “We took some of mine that day too. It was a test to see if you and I have the same DNA.”
He looks so confused. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the right way to do this.
“I’m not your uncle, Jesse. I know this is going to be really confusing for you…”
“You’re my real dad, aren’t you?” he asks innocently. We both look at him in shock.
“Yeah, yeah I am,” I say, hugging him close, trying to hold back the emotions welling up inside me.
“I knew it,” he said. “I heard my mom and the mean man talking about it. He thought it was funny. He said I was a little mini Goob.”
I had never thought to put two and two together, but it all makes perfect sense. This mean man had to be my father. Moses Boden, former president of the Mountain Misfits, first member in history to be excommunicated. We have a long twisted history, but when he disappeared from this mountain that day years ago, I had put our relationship far behind me. Nobody had seen or heard from him since, we all assumed he left town, but if Delaney had access to my emergency contacts on my rehab papers, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one of them.
“Well you are a little mini Goob, but that’s not such a bad thing. Can you tell me where this mean man lives?”
He shrugs.
“Is it far away?”
“I don’t know!” he shouts, kicking the blankets off the bed and jumping to his feet. “You’re not going to make me go back there! I will go live in the forest. I’ll go live with Aunt Esther.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Jesse,” Azalea says to him. “Your dad just wants to know so that he can keep you safe from the mean man.”
“Are you my real mom?” he asks her, his eyes squinted, like he’s about to question every single thing about his existence. It’s cute in a way; he looks like a little old man.
“No,” she says. “Now come here.” She pulls him into her lap and looks him in the eyes. “I’m not your real mom, but that doesn’t matter. What I am is the luckiest person in the world because somebody gave me the best kid I could ever imagine. You don’t have to call me mom if you don’t want to. You can call me Aunt Stacy, or Stacy, or even Azalea if you want. All you need to know is that I love you very much and I will take care of you for the rest of your life if you’ll let me.”
I’m speechless. This is heavy stuff, even for my grown-ass self. He just wraps his arms around her neck and hugs her and she gives him a big kiss on the face.
“Do you have any other questions?” I ask.
“Can we have pancakes for breakfast?”
I laugh and pick him up and throw him over my shoulder, kissing my beautiful bride-to-be on the lips, so thankful for everything she does for us. Thoughts of my father still linger in my mind, but I need to talk to the guys in the club before I go making any wild assumptions. Fortunately, I’ll be spending the day at the shop with Tank. I haven’t heard hide nor hair from Delaney in months, so who knows, maybe the two of them left the country together. Maybe they killed each other. I couldn’t care less either way. My little family here is perfect, it’s complete, and now we’re going to eat pancakes and have a perfectly normal and happy day.
After breakfast, she sends him into his room to get dressed for the day, and I head back into our bedroom, get showered, and get ready for work. She stands in front of the sink, fixing her make-up, putting cream under her eyes to try and make up for the lack of sleep last night.
“Who do you think this mean man is?” she asks. “Do you think it’s your dad?”
“Now why would you say something like that?” She doesn’t know much about my dad, except we don’t have a relationship anymore.
“That day I went to the mall. He called the cell phone and said he saw your truck. I don’t know, it struck me as weird.”
My blood runs cold through my veins. He IS nearby. And now he knows about her. He knows about my son. I would take on the entire Debaser crew over my father any day. That man is twisted, and he has the advantage. He’s had months to calculate a plan to hurt me.
“Why didn’t you tell me that?” I shout, punching my fist into the wall. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
“Hank,” she shouts, “Jesus, I thought I did. It was a chaotic day. It kind of slipped my mind.”
“Fuck,” I mutter, sprinting for the bedroom, throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as she just stands there watching with her mouth hanging open in shock.
“WHAT!” she shouts, as tears start to run down her face.
“Don’t go anywhere today. Don’t call anyone. Don’t open the door unless it’s me or Gavin or Brooks. Do you understand?”
“Hank, you’re being crazy! You’re being paranoid.”
“Daddy, can I come to work with you today?” a little voice peeps in the doorway. He’s got a backpack on and his sneakers are sloppily tied to the best of his ability.
“Listen,” I say to her, “I love you very much, but things are going to get a little tough until I get this shit figured out. Please just trust me.”
I hate the look that she’s giving me right now. It’s the classic ‘old lady concerned’ face. That face that says ‘I
love you but I hate the things you do.’ I never want to see this look again. Hopefully we can put this to rest so I don’t have to.
“Sorry, bud,” I say to Jesse. “I have to go to a meeting that’s going to be very long and very boring.”
“I have snacks,” he says, pulling a bag of goldfish crackers out of his backpack.
I kiss him on the head, hugging him tight, like it’s going to be the last time I see him.
You’re just being paranoid, I remind myself. Except now that I have two very important people to protect, my paranoia is diligence.
“I’ll be home as soon as possible. You guys hang out here today. I’ll take tomorrow off and we can all go shopping together.”
She kisses me goodbye, and I stand outside the door, waiting to hear it lock behind me. I pick up my phone and call my brother Gavin. “I think we have a problem,” I say as soon as he picks up. “Dad’s back.”
***
I don’t like leaving the two of them up there alone, but she’s a smart girl. She knows how to keep the door locked and she knows how to shoot a pistol. He hasn’t made a move yet, and he’s had months, so there’s no reason for me to believe that today is going to be any different than the last ninety.
Even though it’s ninety degrees and I’m wearing my leather cut, I can still feel the goosebumps on my arms as I drive down to the shop. The rest of the guys should be heading here shortly, but I don’t know how much work I’m going to be able to get done with all this shit on my mind.
I pull into the parking lot and instantly feel enraged. That beat-up station wagon that was parked in my driveway all those months ago is sitting out front. Delaney is the last person I want to deal with today, but I try and keep my shit together. Maybe she has some answers that I’m so desperately craving.
I walk into the garage and she’s just sitting there on a folding chair while Tank tinkers away on an engine like it’s no big thing. She looks like hell, worse than the last time I saw her, open sores on her face and her wrists so skeletal that I’m afraid if she stands up all her bones will probably shatter.
You don’t owe her pity, I remind myself. I don’t owe her anything at all.
“What is she doing here?” I ask Tank.
Ever the polite guy, he motions me over and whispers, “I don’t know. She’s fucking insane. She just stopped screaming a second ago. I’m scared to go near her. Is that baby mamma?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “And I think she’s been running around with Moses.”
“Fuck me,” he says. “That’s all you, Goob.” He pats me on the back and gets back to pretending like he’s doing whatever he’s doing, even though I can feel his eyes on me as I cross the garage.
“Delaney, what are you doing here?” I ask.
“Where’s my son?” She instantly bursts into tears, sobbing so hard she sounds like she’s going to throw up. I don’t know if she’s playing me or if she’s just literally lost her mind. In the life of an addict, both options are equally likely.
“If you wanted to see him, you should’ve come to the house where you dumped him three months ago. You know that. Why are you at my work. Why do you even know where I work?”
She just keeps crying and crying while she dry heaves. I don’t know if she thinks I’m here to comfort her, but I’m not.
“Cut the shit, Delaney. I know you’ve been seeing my dad. I know you’re not here because you suddenly turned your life around and want to be the mother that Jesse deserves. What the fuck do you want? Money? At this point, I’ll give you everything I got if it means you’ll leave us alone.”
“You left our son with that monster,” she screams. “My baby. You left him with her.”
Now I’m getting pissed. She has no right to tell me who I can and can’t leave Jesse with, and she definitely can’t come in here calling my old lady a monster, especially when that “monster” has taken better care of her child in three months than she has in his entire lifetime.
“Get out of here, Delaney. And tell my dad to fuck off, too. You guys have no business here. I’ll take you to court in a heartbeat if I have to.”
“It’s probably too late for that. She’s FBI, you know. She’s probably going to have our son in protective custody before you get home today. You’re never going to see him again.”
“The fuck are you talking about, Delaney? You must really be on some good shit,” I stutter. She doesn’t even know Azalea. She’s only even seen her the day she dumped Jesse off. All she knows is that she’s some random chick that I called my fiancée.
“Ask around,” she bellows. “Her old man was an informant. Infiltrated the Debasers. She was too. Her father killed him, but she got away. Why do you think she’s here? Why do you think she’s hiding? Any decent woman would’ve stood by their family. Now she’s here to fuck your life up, too.”
She has to be kidding. How does she even know this stuff? I know my father probably has his fingers in whatever business he can get his hands on, but she’s from Kentucky. This is all too strange.
“Azalea Phoenix,” she yells. “Look her up. Old man was a Mark Holland, undercover informant for over ten years. Her brother got off on a self-defense charge after he shot him, but I’m sure there’s more to the story than that.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, clenching my hand into a fist. I’d never hit a woman, but I definitely feel the need to break something welling up inside of me. “Stay the fuck away from my family. And tell my dad to do the same.”
I grab her by the arm and drag her out the door, opening her car door for her and putting her inside. I walk back into the garage and sit down on a stool, holding my head in my hands.
“Fuck me,” I mumble.
“You think she knows what she’s talking about?” Tank asks.
Azalea’s never lied to me before, at least, not that I know of. She has, however, withheld the truth from me. Knowing my father’s love of digging up dirt on people so that he has leverage over them, even if Delaney isn’t 100 percent spot on, there’s probably at least a trace of truth in what she’s saying.
What if she really is trying to get my kid taken away from me? What if I go home and they’re not there? I have done my best to shield her from club business, but she’s not some sort of clueless helpless old lady.
“I gotta go get Jesse,” I say. “Tell Gavin and the guys to reach out to our allies, see if they have heard anything from Moses. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Don’t do anything stupid,” he says to me, his face stern. “Look at who we’re dealing with here: a junkie, and the man who wanted you to stay a junkie so he could control your life. Stacy or Azalea or whatever the fuck her name is now, she’s been nothing but good to you, brother. Least you can do is hear her side of the story.”
I nod. He’s right. I’m going to hear her out. Hell, I want this to all be a miscommunication. I love this woman more than I love myself, but if she’s going to do anything to mess with my son, then she’s just as bad as Delaney. It’s going to be a long drive home.
Fifteen Years Ago:
I don’t know if it’s night or day anymore. All I know is that I need my medicine all the time or I get really sick. Sometimes it makes me so dizzy I can’t walk, but if I don’t have it, I throw up and my head feels like I got hit with a hammer. It’s worse than when Uncle Larry beats me or burns me with cigarettes.
I don’t remember the last time I left the apartment. I know it stinks in here. I think we had a pet cat for a little while but I don’t know where it went. Maybe I just imagined it. I imagine a lot of stuff now. At least that’s what everybody tells me.
I know I don’t like when Uncle Larry gets out the video camera. The stuff he makes me do makes me feel weird. It’s the only way I can earn my medicine, though. It doesn’t matter anyway. My mom says we’re all going to die soon. She’s probably right. She’s my mom and I know she wouldn’t lie to me. She’s the only person who loves me in this world. Ever
ybody else has disappeared.
I gave up on Gavin trying to come get me. He probably forgot about me. I don’t think I can remember him in my head anymore. I know he has black hair and he is so strong he can pick me up and throw me in the air, but that’s all. Even when I look at the picture I have of me and him on his bike, it looks like a stranger to me. My mom says the pictures I send Esther that I draw are ugly and that’s why she doesn’t send me letters back. I would keep trying but my crayons are so little now I can’t even draw a dot.
I must be getting sick again because I’m starting to see a flashing light coming from the doorway. Larry is just talking away while he films and my mom is crawling around and crying while I sit here in this chair.
I see the dark figure in the doorway and I want to scream for joy, but he has his finger pressed to his lips. Even if I am just imagining things, I’m just happy I didn’t forget what my big brother looks like.
I hear the gun go off, but I don’t even move. I’m scared that if I do, I will wake up from my dream and Gavin will be gone. He’s hugging me. I can feel him. Everything is moving in slow motion and I don’t want to let him go but he tells me to go into my room and pack my stuff. I try to walk but my legs are so wiggly.
“Hurry up, bud,” he tells me. “Wanna go for a ride?”
Maybe I died and I get to go to heaven. I don’t think I ever did anything bad enough to go to hell. Sometimes I said the words that I wasn’t supposed to say, but I try to be a good guy. My big brother is going to take me on a bike ride. This is the best day of my life.
“Why are you crying?” I ask him as he comes to help me finish packing. “It’s ok. Mom’s not sick all the time. If she gets her medicine, she’s ok.”
“Let’s just leave this stuff here, bud,” he tells me. “I’m sure Mom can mail it to you.”
I don’t have many things, but I need to grab my favorite things. My backpack with the motorcycles on it and my picture of me and Gavin on his bike. And, of course, my helmet.
Mom’s crying more than she normally is while I kiss her goodbye and tell her I love her, and Gavin makes me stand outside while he talks to her. I hear lots of yelling and lots of words I’m not supposed to say.