The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

  So they remained friends. He, perhaps a little too protective of her—she, sweet and attentive to him. Both of them fulfilled in their own way.

  Working in the bakery was not easy. Eva got to work before dawn because all the baking had to be done before the customers began arriving. During the winter, the heat from the ovens was pleasant but in the summer it was unbearable. However, Eva didn’t mind. When she had first started living in the world as a Gentile woman, she was constantly nervous about making a mistake or saying the wrong thing and being discovered. But as time passed, she began to relax, and living as Eva became natural for her. Sometimes, Eva and Gretchen would meet after work and have a light dinner at a small café. Once in a while, on their days off, they walked around the Berlin Zoo. Sometimes, when they were at home in the afternoon, they would quietly discuss how much they missed Eli over a cup of tea.

  “I’ve never truly been in love,” Eva said. “I know how much losing Eli has hurt you, and I wonder if it’s all been worth it.”

  “Sometimes I ask myself if I wish I had never known true love, if I wish I had never met Eli. But you know what? The answer is always no. Although this is all very painful, I am still grateful that I had Eli in my life. Love is so beautiful, so precious. Even if it was only for a short time.”

  When Eva was alone at night she prayed, giving thanks to God for Gretchen. She prayed for God to watch over Eli too. Then before she finished praying, she would say, “Hashem, I know that somewhere my bashert is searching for me as I am for him. Please, I beg you to watch over him and keep him safe. And if it be your will, please bring him to me.”

  One afternoon, Eva got off work early and went back to the Jewish sector of town to see if she could find out any information on her parents. She knew it was unwise, and she was putting Gretchen in danger as well as herself. But she had to know. There were no Jews left in the neighborhood. No one recognized her, and she recognized no one. It was as if the little town where she had once lived had never been. It was as if her family, along with all their friends and neighbors, had vanished into thin air.

  That night, when Eva confessed to Gretchen that she’d gone back to look for her family, Gretchen was angry.

  “You’ve put us in danger,” Gretchen said, her voice angry. “I know you miss your family, but we never know who is watching. You can’t go around asking questions about Jews. It makes you look suspicious.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. After all, you are always so worried about your father, I thought you would understand my need to find out what happened to my family.”

  “A mistake like that could cost us our lives. Not just you but me too. Do you understand me?”

  Eva felt guilty, but she was also hurt and angry. “Yes. I understand,” she said.

  The following day, when Eva returned home from work, she went outside to the back of the building. She knelt down and began picking weeds out of the vegetable garden, working on it for nearly an hour. How can I blame Gretchen? Of course, she’s right. I should never have been so selfish as to put her safety in jeopardy. What if I had been caught and questioned; what would have happened? Sweat beaded at her brow, and ran down the back of Eva's dress. So many people know I am living here with Gretchen. This could have started an investigation into my life. And then the Nazis might have found out the truth about my papers. Eva trembled. There is no doubt that if they did, they would have taken us both away. And who knows what would have happened. After all, she doesn’t need to take care of me. If she wanted to, she could throw me out. But she isn’t like that. She has never once made me feel unwanted. In fact, Gretchen treats me like a sister. I owe her an apology.

  Later she found Gretchen scrubbing clothes on a washboard. “Here, let me help you,” Eva said, taking out a second washboard and filling it with soapy water. Then she sat down on the floor beside Gretchen and began washing a blouse that had been in the pile of dirty laundry. After several uncomfortable moments of silence with only the squish, squish of the clothing being squeezed dry, Eva said, “Gretchen, I am sorry. I was wrong. I was just worried about my family. I should never have done what I did. Please forgive me.”

  “I understand. I would probably have done the same thing if I were in your position,” Gretchen said, looking up from the washboard, her eyes meeting Eva’s. “These are very hard times for all of us.”

  “I won’t do it again.”

  “Thank you. Believe me, I realize what you must be going through. I have no idea where my father is, either. And every day I think about Eli.”

  “Oh, Gretchen. So do I. I pray for him. I am so sorry for being so thoughtless. I don’t know what else to say.” Eva felt the tears sting the backs of her eyes.

  Gretchen put her arms around Eva and hugged her. “Sometimes there is nothing to say,” she whispered.

  Never again did Eva venture to the Jewish sector of town. But thoughts of her family were always on her mind.

  CHAPTER 22

  Eli wandered the forests without much human contact. His hair and his beard grew long, and sometimes he felt like Moses wandering through the desert waiting for a sign from God. His empty belly left him weak and tired. He did not know how to hunt or fish. He asked God to show him the way, as he was a man of learning not of physical work. Eli tried to survive by eating roots and wild mushrooms. But soon his thirst overpowered him and forced him to lie down. The grass was cool beneath him. In his mind's eye he thought he saw Gretchen walk up to him.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked. “You should be at home safe in Berlin. Are you and Rebecca all right?”

  “We are fine, Eli,” she said. “But you are not. You are dying.”

  “I know.” He smiled sadly. “I don’t mind dying. It’s never seeing you again, that I mind.”

  She touched his face with a cool, wet cloth. His eyes opened, but it was not Gretchen he saw. It was a young Gypsy girl.

  “Who are you? Am I dead?”

  “You’re not dead.” She laughed. “My name is Nadia. Who are you?”

  “My name is . . .” He hesitated.

  “You are hiding in the forest. You must be a Jew.”

  He tried to get up and get away, but he was too weak.

  “It’s all right. I am Roma. We have just set up camp only a little ways from here. We won’t be staying long. But I’ll take you there.”

  “Yes, I’m a Jew.”

  “I know. Come, we have Jews living among us. You will meet my husband, Christian. We are part of the resistance. But right now, you don’t need to worry about all of this. What you need is food and water, and we can give you that. Can you stand up and lean on me?”

  “I think so,” he said.

  Eli stayed with the Gypsy camp for several months. But when they were invaded by the Germans, everyone scattered. When he returned to look for his newly found friends, they were gone.

  CHAPTER 23

  Autumn, Ravensbrück

  The entire staff at Ravensbrück was buzzing with excitement and concern. They were expecting a visit from Reichsführer Himmler, and they wanted to please him. The guards worked the prisoners extra hard, commanding them to clean every inch of the camp. There was no tolerance for what they considered to be laziness, and they beat the women inmates mercilessly. The guards’ quarters, which housed fourteen guards, were scrubbed from top to bottom, including the toilets, bathrooms, and kitchens. Everywhere that Hilde went that week, she saw someone in a gray-striped uniform working. They were on their hands and knees scrubbing the floors. They were washing down the walls and sanitizing the toilets. Sometimes the sight of them gave Hilde feelings of anxiety. She didn’t trust them. How could they not hate the guards? The guards were vicious to them. She found it unnerving that the staff allowed the prisoners to cook for them. Had she been a prisoner, she knew, she would have poisoned the guards. And just that very thought made her anxious. After she finished her shift each day, she wanted to be as far away from the inmates as possible. But this week, w
ith the reichsführer's upcoming visit, there was no place to go even for an hour where she could escape seeing them.

  Himmler arrived with an entourage. He was impressive, smiling at the staff who were lined up for his arrival. He asked some of the guards how they liked their jobs. Everyone he spoke to offered him enthusiastic responses. Then he walked by Ilsa and stopped.

  “Who is this lovely girl?” he asked.

  “My name is Ilsa Guhr.”

  “Aren’t you a pretty picture?” He smiled. Then Hilde saw him whisper something in Ilsa’s ear. She nodded, and he moved on through the line. That night, Hilde saw the reichsführer disappear into Ilsa’s room and she thought, She is so beautiful that even the reichsführer is caught in her wicked spell.

  The first time Hilde saw Ilsa she was instantly jealous of her. Hilde had always felt that way around pretty girls. To make matters worse, there was something about Ilsa that instantly reminded Hilde of Thea. Even though Ilsa was short and Thea had been tall, they both had that same stunning type of beauty. It was the kind of striking looks that Hilde had always envied. The kind of beauty that left handsome men breathless. But now, as Hilde was getting to know her better, she was finding that she really did like her. Ilsa could be very charming, and she had the ability to make Hilde comfortable and accepted. Not just accepted but really a part of things. When Ilsa spoke to Hilde, she had a way of making Hilde feel like an insider, like she was one of the pretty girls.

  Since Hilde had begun working at Ravensbrück, she’d seen plenty of transfers coming into the camp. Now it was overcrowded and dirty. The hospital was always filled with dying prisoners, many of which were the rabbits who smelled like pus and decay from the wounds left by the doctor’s experiments. Wounds that never healed.

  Hilde hated her job at the hospital. The smells of the infected wounds and the cries of pain sickened her. She begged Ilsa to help her find work elsewhere. And because the camp was crowded, Ilsa was finally able to have Hilde moved to the beauty salon.

  As time passed, Hilde came to know that Ilsa was as strange as she had originally thought. She could be kind and generous, but she could turn on Hilde in an instant. Still, there was no doubt that Ilsa was a good friend to have. Certainly, she would be better off to have her as a friend than an enemy. So Hilde often swallowed her pride and bent over backward to keep the friendship at all costs.

  When Axel came to the camp to visit Hilde, she was afraid that he would detect something strange and unnatural about her friendship with Ilsa. It wasn’t that she really cared what Axel thought of her, but she was truly ashamed of the things Ilsa sometimes demanded of her. Axel, however, was oblivious to anything out of the ordinary. Before Axel arrived, Hilde had been worried that Ilsa’s mean and crazy side might come out when she was introduced to Axel. Then Hilde would be forced to explain why she kept the friendship with her and what the friendship entailed. But Ilsa surprised Hilde by pretending to be a perfect lady when she met Axel, looking pretty in her gray wool suit with her pin-curled hair.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Ilsa said, with a voice that was a little overly sweet and alluring.

  Is she trying to seduce Axel? Hilde thought. Why would she ever want a man like him? He’s unattractive. He certainly doesn’t have a rank as high as most of the men she’s dated. Maybe she just wants me to think she is trying to seduce him. She probably thinks I am in love with him and that would hurt my feelings. Typical Ilsa, she loves to cut me when she can. But not this time because I am not in love with him. I’ll marry him, but he is certainly not the man of my dreams.

  “The pleasure is mine,” Axel said. “I am so glad that my fiancée has made friends here at Ravensbrück.”

  “Hilde is such a lovely girl. And wouldn’t you know it, she and I have become the best of friends. Now, haven’t we, Hilde?” Ilsa smiled a strange and threatening smile. No one but Hilde could see the malice behind that smile. Hilde knew that at any moment Ilsa could blurt out embarrassing information about her, if she chose to. It made her nervous. And although Ilsa never said a word that was out of line, Hilde could see that Ilsa enjoyed watching her squirm.

  “Yes, the best of friends,” Hilde stammered.

  “So, Axel, you have traveled quite a distance to be here with Hilde. Let me leave the two of you lovebirds alone. Yes, Butterball? Would you like that?”

  Hilde hated that obnoxious nickname even more now that Axel had arrived, but all she said was, “That would be very nice of you, Ilsa.”

  Axel was thrilled to be alone with his fiancée. Hilde was the love of his life, and he had exciting news to share with her. As soon as Ilsa was gone, he put his arm around Hilde’s shoulder and pulled her close to him.

  “They are planning to build a men’s camp close to Ravensbrück. I’ve already requested a transfer. As soon as the camp is open, I will move here and we can be married,” Axel said, smiling broadly.

  “I would like that,” Hilde said. To her surprise she was glad he was coming there. Not that she missed him or wanted to be with him. Hilde was planning to use Axel as an excuse to stop participating in the night games with Ilsa. It would be worth putting up with Axel’s constant devotion if it meant she could get out of the mess she was in with Ilsa.

  “Like it? All you can say is you’d like it?”

  “I am truly happy, Axel. This is good news. Very good. Now we can get on with our lives together,” Hilde said, trying to sound more loving.

  She wanted to feel affection toward him, but when she looked at him there was just no magic. Perhaps, she thought, it was because she had never really gotten over Hann.

  When Hilde thought about Hann she felt a strong longing that filled her with despair. She remembered the first time she had seen him. It was when she was just a girl, in the Bund Deutche maidels. His good looks had bowled her over. He had such an effect on her that even now, so many years later, she could still imagine his smile and his bright eyes, or hear his soft voice. Hann was everything Hilde had ever wanted in a man. However, no matter how hard she tried to make him see that they belonged together, he had never cared for her. In her heart she was still certain that he was her one true love. Even now, so many years later, she thought of him at least once a day and considered how different her life might have been had he loved her too.

  “So we will start a family right away?” Axel asked, bringing her back to the present.

  “Yes, I would like that,” Hilde said, thinking that she would like to be at home raising a child even though she’d never really craved motherhood. It would certainly be better than working at this camp exposed to disease and foul odors every day and bending over backward to Ilsa’s strong and undeniable will.

  “So you would like that as well! I think we should get married in Berlin. Maybe we can even have a honeymoon; take a little bit of time off.”

  “Berlin would be nice. My best friend, Gretchen, lives there; she could come to our wedding,” Hilde said eagerly.

  “We could invite your friend, Ilsa. She would come, I’m sure. She seems so devoted to you.”

  Hilde’s head snapped at the mention of Ilsa’s name. “I doubt she will be able to get away from work.”

  “Should we try and make other arrangements? Don’t you think Ilsa would be hurt if she were not able to attend. She is such a good friend to you. Perhaps we could get married nearer to Ravensbrück. Would you like that?”

  “It’s not necessary, really.” Hilde shuddered. “Let’s just plan to have a nice civil ceremony in Berlin. I’ll call Gretchen and invite her tomorrow.”

  “Whatever you would like, my love.”

  CHAPTER 24

  The guards were in high spirits when the reichsführer returned two months later. He greeted them warmly as if they were his family. This time he smiled directly at Hilde. She felt her face glow with pride when he asked her name. Hilde hadn’t expected to be in awe of him the way that she was. He was not a handsome man, but he had an air of confidence that the women guards were
all responding to.

  Ilsa admitted to Hilde that she had slept with the reichsführer when he had last visited. “I know he is attracted to me. But I am sure you have heard that his mistress, Bunny, lives very close to the camp, so when he comes to Ravensbrück he always goes to visit her. I’ve seen her pictures. She’s nothing special. I would make a more suitable mistress, don’t you think? Now, I just have to find a way to convince him.” Ilsa winked.

  “I’m sure you’ll find a way,” Hilde said, trying to keep the envy from her voice.

  “You really think I can steal his attention from Bunny? You are so sweet, my little butterball. I hope he will find me irresistible.”

  “Of course he will. Everyone does. Don’t they?” Hilde said.

  “They do.” Ilsa kissed Hilde’s cheek. “You are such a good girl. You’re my very best friend, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I am,” Hilde said cautiously. She could never trust Ilsa, who had a way of making Hilde feel on top of the world one minute, and in the next minute could tear her to pieces.

  Immediately after she finished work and the evening roll call was done, Hilde went to the main office and telephoned Gretchen to tell her about the wedding. As Hilde predicted, Gretchen was happy for her and couldn’t wait to see her. “Of course I will attend your wedding!” Gretchen said.

  Just talking with Gretchen made Hilde wish she could go back to life before Ravensbrück, before she’d met Ilsa. Things were easier to understand then. Back then Hilde had always been the person who was in control. It was she who learned the secrets of others to use as blackmail when necessary. But now Ilsa had beaten her at her own game. And although sometimes she was in awe of Ilsa’s beauty, her important friends, and her confidence, she was also afraid of her.