The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

  “I want to go home,” Moishe said, but Lila ignored him. She gathered all the blankets, clothes, and food out of the back seat. Then she led Moishe into the woods.

  Once they were hidden by the forest, Lila stood still for a moment and surveyed the situation. She took a deep breath.

  “I’m scared,” Moishe said.

  “There is nothing to fear, sweet boy,” Lila answered and wished she could believe it. She picked him up and hugged him tightly.

  The woods were dense and frightening, like the horrible forests of a fairy tale. But there was no time for fear of imaginary monsters. Lila had to save her son from real live monsters. The kind who wore beautifully tailored uniforms and black, shiny boots. She set Moishe back down on his feet. Then picking up the supplies with one hand and taking his hand with other, she led him deeper into the forest.

  “This is a scary place. I want to go home, Mama,” Moishe said.

  “It’s all right. We are going on an adventure. It will be one, yes? In fact we are going to play a game. You will have a new name. Your new name will be Anatol Bankowski. I will have a new name too. My name will be Felicia Bankowski. We will never use our old names again. It will be fun.” She squeezed his hand gently. “You are with me, so there is nothing to fear. And you know what? We have some food, so we can have a picnic later.”

  “I’m hungry now.”

  “I know you are. But let’s wait to eat. We have to try to make this food last as long as we can.”

  “Mama?”

  “Yes, my sweetheart.”

  “Where is Daddy?”

  Until now, Lila had forced herself not to think about Ben. “He had to stay behind for a while,” she said.

  “Will he be coming to see us soon?”

  “Yes, soon.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “I don’t think tomorrow. But soon.”

  “But when?”

  “I don’t know, Moishe. Please stop asking questions,” she said, sounding curter than she’d wanted to.

  They walked for a while and then Moishe said, “I’m cold and my feet hurt.”

  “All right, why don’t we lie down and try to get some rest. I’ll put my coat over you. It’s not really that cold outside.”

  The little boy curled up into his mother’s lap and put his thumb in his mouth. She sang quietly to him. Within a half hour, his breathing slowed down and he’d fallen into a deep, restful sleep. How wonderful it is to be a child, to be able to sleep in the woods because he trusts in the words of his mother. I envy him, she thought. The hard ground hurt Lila’s back, but she dared not move least she wake Moishe. Instead, she held him in her arms and prayed silently.

  “Dear God, please watch over Ben. He’s alone now and not nearly as strong as he thinks he is. But, most of all, please watch over my little Moishe. Keep my son and me in the palm of your hand, as we find our way through these dark, desolate woods. I need you, dear God, now more than I ever have before in my entire life. Please walk with us. I know I have made many mistakes. I’ve broken your commandments many times. But . . . please forgive me . . . I beg you . . . somehow, someway, bring my family back together again.”

  CHAPTER 26

  February 1942, Ravensbrück

  Hilde and Axel’s wedding was not fancy. It was a civil wedding. Gretchen was present, and that made Hilde happy. But she was disappointed because there was no fancy wedding dress or lovely flowers. It was just a very practical, quick ceremony. After they were married, Hilde and Axel returned to Ravensbrück. Ilsa was cold and distant toward Hilde because she had not been able to take the time off from work. Hilde had been relieved that Ilsa was not at the wedding and even happier that Ilsa and Gretchen had not met. I’ve always believed that Gretchen had a good opinion of me. She knew me when we were just young girls. And I’ve always been careful to hide things from her that I thought she wouldn’t approve of. I’ve always made sure she saw me in a good light. If Gretchen and Ilsa had a chance to talk, who knows what abominations Ilsa might tell her. I can just imagine the terrible secrets Ilsa might reveal to Gretchen about Ravensbrück. And I would be so ashamed.

  By the middle of June 1941, the men’s camp had been built. It was located right near Ravensbrück and was open and running. Axel and Hilde moved together into a small house, right in the Furstenberg Lake District, not far from where Ravensbrück was located. They both worked at their respective jobs during the day and returned home in the evening. Hilde cooked and kept the house as was expected of a good German wife. And within three months, she was pregnant. When she announced her pregnancy at work, all the female guards and the commanding SS officers cheered for her. After all, this was what was expected of a good German couple. Everyone, except Ilsa, who glared at Hilde after she’d made the announcement then walked out of the room. They drank all night to the health and welfare of the baby. Meanwhile, less than two hundred feet away, the prisoners were starving, sick, and dying.

  By February, Hilde was in her fifth month. The cold bothered her and so did the filth and smells at the camp. She vomited often but she planned to work until the baby was born. Then she would quit and leave Ravensbrück forever.

  One night Hilde awoke to find blood in her underpants. She was panicked as she tugged at Axel’s arm.

  “Axel, I am bleeding. I am afraid I might be having a miscarriage.”

  He got up and without washing his face or brushing his teeth, he drove her to the nearby hospital.

  At 2:45 in the morning Hilde had a miscarriage.

  “The job is too much for her. She is overworked. She needs to rest,” the doctor declared.

  After that, Axel insisted that she quit. There was no protest from Hilde. She was glad to leave her job. She’d had enough of the filthy, disease-ridden camp. And she was glad not to have to work with Ilsa and endure the uncertainty of Ilsa’s ever-changing moods.

  During the day, while Axel was at work, Hilde played records by Wagner on the Victrola that had been given to the couple as a wedding gift by one of Axel’s superior officers. She knew it had belonged to a Jewish family who had been taken away to a camp, somewhere. But she didn’t care. It was a good record player. Hilde loved waking up in the morning and preparing breakfast for herself and Axel. Then he would get dressed in the uniform she’d cleaned and pressed for him. He would kiss her gently on the lips, and she would hand him the lunch she’d prepared for him. Once he’d left for work, she would choose a record and play it while she cleaned her house and then baked bread for the evening. This was the happiest Hilde had ever been. She couldn’t say that she was in love with Axel, but during this peaceful time, she had come to enjoy his company, and after working at Ravensbrück she thoroughly appreciated her new lifestyle. And two months later Hilde was pregnant again.

  Hilde’s relationship with her own mother had hurt her deeply and left her scarred. In fact, until the day she felt the tiny life move inside her body, she had secretly questioned whether she even wanted to be a mother. Sometimes she thought that a child would save her, would rescue her from the pain of her past. And other times, she felt that a child would be too needy, sucking all of her energy. However, once she felt movement within her, she knew that having a baby would fulfill her in ways she’d never thought possible. Each day, as her belly grew larger, she found that she cared more and more for her unborn child. She found herself talking to the tiny life that was growing inside her. Sometimes she would sing lullabies and rub her belly softly. No one has ever loved me completely. Axel says he does, but I don’t believe him. But you, my little one, you are everything I have needed all my life. You will be born, and you will love me as my mother never did, and I will love you.

  Axel painted the baby’s room with a nice coat of clean, white paint. Hilde knitted a bright yellow blanket and made drapes for the window out of a pretty cotton fabric that was white with a pattern of large yellow sunflowers. Then Axel put in a request to his superiors for a crib. Not long after, he received one. It was a beautifu
l, white oak crib that rocked and had a canopy. Hilde knew that this lovely piece of baby furniture had been taken from arrested Jews, but she ignored that fact. Instead, she walked through the little nursery in her home, enjoying the beauty she’d created.

  Hilde thoroughly enjoyed her days. She spent hours looking at baby clothes and brushing her hair. Because she was pregnant, the food supply from the party for her and Axel was even more generous, so she spent hours preparing lavish dinners. Sometimes she took long, lazy naps in the golden sun of the afternoon. At first she loved the naps. But then she began having nightmares. Sometimes in her dreams she was fighting with her mother, who would turn into a monster that would slay her. Other times Hilde would dream that she was a prisoner in Ravensbrück, and Ilsa was playing her vicious night games with Hilde as her victim. Hilde would awaken clammy with sweat, her heart racing. A bad dream could leave her feeling frightened for the entire day. Hilde was exhausted but afraid to sleep, afraid of the recurring nightmares. She was haunted and sometimes she wished she could discuss her fears with Axel. But she never felt close enough to anyone, not Axel or even Gretchen, to allow them to know her deepest and innermost thoughts.

  As the months passed and the pregnancy progressed, Hilde grew more fatigued as she avoided sleep whenever possible. Dark purple circles formed around her eyes, and she began to find eating difficult. She had trouble swallowing her food and sometimes she choked. So she stopped eating and began losing weight rapidly. On her face, she’d developed an angry, red rash that itched most of the time. Then her already thin hair began falling out in clumps.

  Axel noticed that Hilde was having a hard time with her pregnancy, and he wanted desperately to help. “Why don’t you and I take a little vacation. I’m sure I can get the time off. I can probably get the whole thing paid for by the party. I can request a holiday in Munich. We’ve both served our fatherland working in the camps. And we’ve never had a honeymoon.”

  “I don’t feel well enough, and the weather is too cold,” Hilde said.

  “Darling, you must take better care of yourself. I don’t know what to do to make you happy. Please, you must tell me? Perhaps you would like to go home and see your friend, Gretchen? You could spend a little time with her. It might do you good to get away.”

  “Gretchen? Yes, I might really like to see Gretchen. But not until the weather is better.”

  “How about if you plan to go and see her in April, to celebrate our führer’s birthday? You could go to Berlin in April and spend some time with her. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you stayed with her.”

  “I could do that. But what about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll stay here and continue to work. Then I’ll see you when you return. And perhaps in the early summer, after the baby is born, we can go away on a trip together. You and me and our child. Would you like that?”

  “Yes, I believe I would.”

  “Then consider it done, my love.” He smiled at her. “Now, please, you must eat something. You are getting far too thin.”

  “Yes, I will try to eat,” Hilde said. She considered how much weight she’d lost, and she thought about Ilsa for a moment. I don’t suppose you can call me Butterball now, you lousy bitch.

  CHAPTER 27

  Berlin

  Gretchen had recently gotten a phone in her apartment in case of emergencies. The only calls that came through were calls from the bakery for Eva or calls from the factory for Gretchen.

  When the phone rang early one Saturday morning, Gretchen picked it up.

  “Gretchen?” Hilde’s voice came through the receiver.

  “Yes, it’s Gretchen. Hilde, hello! How are you?”

  “I’m doing all right. I’m pregnant, again.”

  “Oh, how wonderful, Hilde!”

  “I’ve quit my job. I stay at home now.”

  “Like a regular hausfrau!” Gretchen said affectionately.

  “Yes, I suppose I am.”

  “Well, good for you, my friend. I’m glad that you and Axel are doing well. I am sorry you have been ill though. Is it just morning sickness?”

  “I am nauseated all the time and have some trouble sleeping. But that’s not why I called. I called because I think it would be good for me to get away and come to Berlin for a visit. And I would love to see you. There is nothing I would love more than spending a couple of weeks with my best friend.”

  “Oh?” Gretchen said, caught off guard. What am I going to do? How can I let her stay here, with Eva? What if we slip up and say the wrong thing?

  “You don’t sound pleased.”

  “That’s not true. Of course I am happy. I would love to see you. When are you coming?” Gretchen said hastily.

  “I’d like to come in April to celebrate the führer’s birthday with you. Can I stay with you?”

  Gretchen hesitated. How could she say no? As far as Hilde knew, she was a single woman living alone. Hilde had not even met Eva. Gretchen’s mind was racing. She would tell Hilde the same story she told everyone about Eva. That would probably not be a problem. “Gretchen, are you there?” Hilde asked, and Gretchen realized she’d been silent for too long.

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I’m here. I don’t think I’ve had a chance to tell you that my cousin Eva has been staying here with me. She came to the city from the countryside, to find work in Berlin.”

  “You never mentioned her. I didn’t even know you had a cousin.”

  “I know. I didn’t even know of her existence until recently. Well, that’s not entirely true. My father had mentioned her a few times, but I never thought much of it. She is on my mother’s side of the family.”

  “She must be staying in your father’s old room?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s all right. I can sleep on the living room sofa.”

  “Yes . . . the sofa. But wouldn’t you be uncomfortable, being pregnant ?”

  “Gretchen, do you not want me to come?”

  “No, no, it’s not that, Hilde. I am just so surprised and excited that you are coming,” Gretchen said, trying to hide the worry in her voice. “We’ll find a way to make you comfortable. Don’t worry about a thing. I am looking forward to seeing you.”

  “I can’t wait to see you too!”

  After Gretchen hung up the phone, she sunk into the living room chair. It was dusk, and Eva would be home from work soon. Gretchen would tell her what happened, and they would discuss Hilde’s upcoming visit.

  CHAPTER 28

  March, the Forest in Poland

  Lila Rabinowitz held her son’s head on her lap as she sat propped up against a tree in the forest. Moishe was hungry again. He was always hungry. It seemed that every hour of every day she was consumed with finding food. She’d already worked for a farmer picking potatoes in exchange for food. She’d stolen food when she was able to and during the harsh winter she’d taken her son and hidden in barns and cellars to escape the cold.

  Sometimes, out of the blue, and for no apparent reason, Moishe would ask about his father. “Where is Daddy” he would say. “Is Daddy coming here to meet us soon?”

  She had no answers, so she would try to distract him by singing a song or telling him a story. Most times it worked. But she wondered if this horrible war would ever end and if she or Moishe would ever see his father again.

  At night, Moishe was frightened by the shadows in the forest or by the sounds of wild animals. She was afraid too, but she could never let her son see fear. To help him sleep, Lila would softly sing lullabies. She tried to stay awake as much as possible, in case of danger, but sometimes exhaustion overtook her, and she drifted off into a deep and dreamless slumber. They’d somehow survived the treacherous winter by stealing food from farms at night and sleeping between dusk and dawn in barns or cellars that they found unlocked. Then she would awaken Moishe, and the two of them would steal away before sunrise, to be sure they were not discovered by the owners whose land they had trespassed upon. Once, when they were in a barn,
Lila saw a pile of horse blankets on a wooden box. Inside the box she found moldy hay and a bit and bridle. She took all the blankets she had, those that she’d stolen from Werner’s car and the horse blankets. Then she wrapped them around Moishe to keep him warm. There were a couple of times during the harsh winter months when she had been outside, and it seemed so cold that they might freeze to death. Perhaps these blankets would be of help in the future. It was still cold outside but not nearly as frigid as it had been the previous months, and she was relieved that the winter was almost over. So if they could not find an open barn or cellar, they could at least use the blankets to sleep in the forest.

  There were so many ways that death could claim them, and the bitter cold of winter was only one of them. Starvation was always peeking its ugly head around every tree and shrub. When she could find a farm, she would pick a few pieces of fruit or a bunch of vegetables during the night, feeling like a thief, sneaking away in the darkness, careful not to get caught. Many times there was no farm in sight. But they still had to eat to survive, so Lila would try to find wild mushrooms or berries. She did not know which wild plants were safe to eat. She made sure they were not poison by eating them herself first. Once she was sure they were safe, she would give them to Moishe. Every time she had to eat an unusual plant, she said a quick prayer that she would not die. She prayed not so much for her own life but for God to let her live to take care of her son. The very thought of her dying and leaving Moishe alone in the woods made her tremble. Once she’d eaten a mushroom and became sick and vomited. But at least the mild poison acted instantly before she allowed Moishe to eat it.

  Wild animals posed a threat too. Lila shuddered as she held her little boy in her arms during the night when she heard the howl of wolves nearby or the hooting of a tawny owl. Once, when she was an eight-year-old child, she’d seen a tawny owl. It was a story that had been branded in her memory.