Fortune and Glory

by Janet Evanovich

  I cruised past the Margo, turned at the corner, and drove to Stiller Street. I did a silent groan when I got there. Trotter’s van was parked at the curb. While I really wanted to be all jazz hands and high-fives about breaking balls, the thought of a drunk Trotter and his elephant syringe was making it hard to get fully motivated.

  “I say we need to fortify ourselves before we knock on Trotter’s door,” Lula said. “I guess I’m up for doing some shit, but if we want it to be epic I need a breakfast sandwich. Something with cheese and sausage. Or maybe egg and bacon. Or maybe I could get one of each and combine them and make a super sandwich.”

  “We wouldn’t want the shit we do to not be epic,” I said.

  “Hell no. Ordinary shit is just shit.”

  “And if we’re lucky, when we get back the van will be gone?”

  “I guess that would be a possibility,” Lula said. “It would be in God’s hands.”

  I drove past Trotter’s house and after a couple of blocks, I glanced at Lula. “Do you know where we’re going to find your sandwich?”

  “No,” she said. “Does it matter?”

  I turned toward the center of town, stopped for a light, and Charlie Shine and the gray Range Rover drove by on the cross street.

  “Did you see that?” Lula yelled. “It was him.”

  By the time I could make a turn there were two cars between me and Shine.

  “He’s up ahead, going into the drive-thru lane at Dreamy Creamery,” Lula said. “You can catch him at the drive-thru.”

  “What the heck is Dreamy Creamery?”

  “Ice cream. And they got ice cream cakes, too. And shakes. And inside it’s like an old-fashioned soda fountain.”

  I circled around to the front of Dreamy Creamery and idled at the end of the drive-thru.

  “Here’s the plan,” I said. “As soon as he moves forward, the car behind him is going to move up to the window. Then Shine will have the building on one side, a two-foot curb on the other side, the guy behind him, and me in front of him.”

  “He got a sundae,” Lula said. “I saw the girl hand it to him. It’s ginormous. It’s not even noon yet and he got a big-ass sundae. You got to respect a man for that.”

  “Here he comes,” I said, pulling into the drive-thru lane and stopping where the building began.

  “Now!” I said to Lula. “We got him.”

  Lula and I jumped out and ran at Shine. Lula was waving her gun and yelling like a crazy woman. I had cuffs and pepper spray.

  There was a moment where surprise registered on Shine’s face, and then he hunkered down over the wheel and gunned the engine.

  “Holy crap,” Lula said. “He’s gonna ram you. He’s going for ramming speed.”

  I dove over the curb, Lula flattened herself against the wall of the building, and Shine roared past us. He crashed into my CR-V and pushed it out of the exit lane and into the parking lot. He paused for three seconds, and then he took off down the road. A black Mercedes sports car appeared out of nowhere and followed Shine.

  “What the heck!” I said. “Sonofabitch!”

  “No kidding,” Lula said. “He’s got a problem with that old Range Rover. The air bag didn’t inflate. I bet nobody paid attention to a recall notice.”

  “He wrecked my car.”

  “Yeah, we didn’t see that one coming. Do you think that was Gabriela following him?”

  “Yes!”

  “She gets around,” Lula said. “Do you think she’s after our bounty money?”

  “Worse,” I said. “I think she’s after our fortune and glory.”

  Customers were wandering out of Dreamy Creamery to see the wreck and take selfies.

  “You should do something,” Lula said. “Get a tow truck out here or phone Uber. I need to use the restroom.”

  “You aren’t going to use the restroom. You’re going in to get ice cream.”

  “Yes, but before I do that, I might wash my hands.”

  Rangeman control room called. Undoubtedly notified of the wreck by one of the many sensors surreptitiously placed on my car.

  “Your front sensor is reporting a malfunction,” he said.

  “Long story short, my car has a crumpled front end.”

  “Can you drive it?”

  “No. The hood is smashed up against the windshield.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Okay is relative for me.”

  “Do you need assistance?”

  “Assistance would be wonderful.”

  I retrieved my purse from my car and went inside to get ice cream. A fire truck arrived, followed by a cop car. Lula and I took our ice cream outside and said hello to the guys. The fire truck left, and the cop went inside to get ice cream.

  A black Rangeman SUV rolled in and Tank got out.

  “I’ll take it from here,” he said. “Wayne will drive you home… or wherever.”

  Lula went back to the office, and I went to my parents’ house to borrow a car.

  “Look who’s here,” Grandma said. “Miss Celebrity! You’re all over the internet. YouTube and everything. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing.”

  “Why me?” my mother asked. “Mary Jo Krazinski’s daughter works in the bank. A teller. My daughter jumps out of hooker hotel windows.”

  “I didn’t jump,” I said.

  “Of course you jumped,” Grandma said. “It was a beauty. You came out of that window like you were shot from a cannon. Some bystander got it all. Lula backed out after you. I don’t like to speak bad about anyone, but it wasn’t a pretty sight. It was like Winnie the Pooh getting stuck in the rabbit hole, if Winnie the Pooh was wearing a red thong.”

  “I thought I dropped,” I said to Grandma.

  “Nope,” she said. “You jumped.”

  She pulled the video up on her cell phone.

  “This is horrible,” I said. “My hair is a mess, and I look fat.”

  “It’s these T-shirts you wear,” Grandma said. “They’re all washed out and they don’t give you any shape. You need some pretty clothes.”

  “I can’t afford to buy clothes. I have to buy a new car.”

  “You can buy whatever you want when we find the treasure,” Grandma said.

  My mother brought bread and deli ham and provolone cheese to the little kitchen table. I set my messenger bag on the counter and got mustard and mayo from the fridge.

  “I’m not moving as fast as I’d like on the treasure hunt,” I said. “Every time I get a lead, it ends in disaster.”

  “I got a good lead at the grocery this morning,” Grandma said. “I was in line next to Dottie Clark and she was talking about her son the fireman and how he got called out to the Lucky Lucy Café last night. Seems that it suddenly filled up with smoke and dust and that the smoke set off the fire alarm. She said it was odd that it happened right after you blew up the Margo.”

  “I didn’t blow up the Margo,” I said. “Lou Salgusta blew up the Margo.”

  My mother sucked in air. “Lou Salgusta was there?” She made the sign of the cross. “He’s a maniac. He burns his initials onto people’s private places. And then he kills them.”

  Grandma went to the fridge to get pickles. “Maybe he died in the blast. Did they bring in any cadaver dogs?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t heard anything about a search and recovery effort.”

  Grandma brought bread-and-butter pickles to the table and added them to her sandwich. “I know the boys’ secret escape tunnel ran to the Margo. So maybe the tunnel also went from the Margo to Lucky Lucy. They’re only a couple blocks apart.”

  I paused with my sandwich halfway to my mouth. “You know about the tunnel?”

  “Jimmy told me about it. He said no one used it much anymore and it needed some repair, but it was still an important part of the La-Z-Boy club. I figured it just went between the Mole Hole and the Margo, but maybe it goes to lots of other places. And maybe one of those other places has the safe with the treasure. So
, if we can’t figure out the clues, I say we investigate the tunnels. We should just go down there and follow all the different tunnels to see where they end up.”

  My mother looked like she was trying to decide between vodka or Xanax. I understood her dilemma. Her thankless job was to be the voice of reason and maturity in a family of oddballs. My father keeps his head down and wills himself to be invisible, occasionally barking for more hot gravy at the dinner table. My sister Valerie is married to a very sweet man who seems to be incompetent at everything other than keeping her pregnant. And then there’s me and Grandma with Superhero Derangement Syndrome.

  “I’m told the tunnels are in bad shape,” I said to Grandma. “I don’t think we should go in them, but I can get Ranger to map them out for us.”

  The part about Ranger was a fib. I didn’t feel comfortable asking Ranger to map the tunnels. I put it out there because I didn’t want to push my mother off the ledge.

  “I guess that would be okay,” Grandma said.

  I finished my sandwich, ate three chocolate chip cookies, and stood to leave. “I’d like to borrow the Buick,” I said.

  The Buick is a ’53 baby blue and white Roadmaster monster that was left to Grandma when her brother passed. It sits unused in the garage because Grandma has a lead foot and lost her license, but can’t bring herself to sell the car.

  “Where’s your CR-V?” my mother asked.

  “I had a fender bender,” I said. “No big deal, but I’d like to use Big Blue while my car gets fixed.”

  “Sure, you can borrow it,” Grandma said. “And you can drop me at the hair salon. I’m getting my nails done. I’m thinking about going midnight blue.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The hair salon was a block from the bail bonds office. I dropped Grandma off and checked in with Connie. Lula was absent. Potts was present. He jumped up off the couch when he saw me.

  “Thank goodness you’re safe,” he said. “I don’t know how I missed you. I spent the whole night in front of your door. And then when it was almost lunchtime and you weren’t answering when I knocked and yelled, the super came to see what was wrong. So, he went in to make sure you weren’t dead, and that’s when I found out you weren’t there. How did you get past me?”

  “You were asleep,” I said. “I stepped over you.”

  “From now on I’m not going to sleep,” he said. “Never.”

  “If you didn’t come soon, I was going to lock him in the storeroom,” Connie said. “He won’t leave. And he hums.”

  “Anything new?” I asked Connie.

  “Angie Mackie told my mom that she saw Lou Salgusta come out of Carlotta’s Bakery yesterday afternoon. She said he was carrying a flamethrower and limping. And Lula just cracked a tooth. She was trying to open a beer bottle with her teeth. She’s at the dentist.”

  “Why was she trying to open it with her teeth?”

  “We had pizza delivered for lunch, and Lula found a couple beers in the fridge, but we couldn’t find the opener. She said she saw a guy open a beer bottle with his teeth once. I bet her a dollar she couldn’t do it. And she cracked her tooth.”

  “Did she get the bottle open?” I asked.

  “Not with her teeth. She popped it open with a screwdriver.” Connie handed me a computer printout. “This is the latest on Charlie Shine. He’s using his credit card at restaurants and grocery stores. He’s staying away from places where he would be recognized. Not shopping at Giovichinni’s. He’s moving around but he never seems to go out of the greater Trenton area. At least not with his Charlie Shine ID. There are gaps between credit card expenditures, so it’s possible he’s using a bogus ID as well.”

  “Thanks,” I said to Connie. “I’ll take the printout. Maybe I can see a pattern. Grandma’s at the hair salon. I’m going to see if she needs a ride home.”

  “Take the hummer with you.”

  Potts followed me out and stopped when he saw the Buick.

  “This is your car?” he said. “I mean, you’re really driving this Buick? It’s a classic. I’ve never seen one of these in person.”

  I hated the Buick. I only borrowed it when I had no other choice. It was a bulbous sow, lumbering down the street, grunting and wheezing. I felt like Betty Rubble when I was behind the wheel, wrestling the beast around corners.

  I opened the back door for him, and he sprawled across the seat.

  “Wow,” he said. “This is huge. It’s like a bedroom back here.”

  I drove a block, parked in front of the hair salon, and called Grandma. No answer. I left Potts in the car and I went into the salon. It wasn’t big. Dottie and Irene Hurley had their own styling stations and they also did nails. They were younger than Grandma, but not by much.

  “Edna left with Ruth Kuleski,” Dottie said. “She got a quick nail color change, and Ruth drove her somewhere. Edna said she was going on an adventure. And Ruth said she was going to have lunch with her daughter.”

  “An adventure?” I asked.

  “That’s what Edna said. Off to find a treasure.”

  Crap!

  I ran out of the salon and took off for the Mole Hole. I forgot about Potts in the backseat. I crossed over the railroad tracks and he started humming.

  Double crap.

  “Where are we going?” he asked.

  “The Mole Hole. I need to check on something.”

  I pulled into the lot and skidded to a stop. “Stay here,” I told Potts. “I’ll be right out.”

  I marched into the bar and stood for a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the dim light. Two girls were working the poles and the bar was packed with lunchtimers. I approached one of the bartenders and asked if an older woman had come into the bar.

  “There’s an older couple in the booth to the right and a single woman is halfway around the bar.”

  I scanned the bar and spotted Grandma. She was eating a burger and watching the stripper directly in front of her.

  “One more question,” I said to the bartender. “Have you seen Charlie Shine today?”

  “No one sees Charlie Shine,” he said.

  “How about Lou?”

  “Salgusta? Never heard of him.”

  “Anyone in the back room?”

  “Some furniture movers. It’s getting redecorated.”

  I walked around the bar to Grandma. All the stools were taken so I sidled up next to her.

  “Looks like a good burger,” I said.

  “It’s excellent,” she said. “And this young lady on the pole is amazing. She can do an upside-down and a split. And she can do a full squat to get money stuffed into her G-string. I wish I could do that. My knees aren’t what they used to be. What are you doing here? Did you come for lunch?”

  “No. I’m here because I thought you might be here.”

  “I came to investigate the tunnels, but I thought I’d have a burger first. The Mole Hole makes the best burger in town.”

  “Finish your burger while I peek into the back room. We can’t access the tunnel if the room is occupied.”

  I walked around the bar and opened the door to the back room. The La-Z-Boy recliners were gone and had been replaced by five leather club chairs. There was a thick cream-colored rug on the floor and a new big-screen TV on the wall. The rickety card table had been replaced by an elaborate dark wood poker table and six poker table chairs on casters.

  Two men in T-shirts and jeans were arranging side tables by three of the club chairs. Two forty-something chunky men in suits were leaning against the far wall, arms crossed over their chests, eyes focused on me.

  “This is a private party,” one of the suits said. “This isn’t a public room.”

  “I’m looking for Charlie and Lou,” I said. “Have you seen them?”

  “Maybe,” he said. “Who are you?”

  “Stephanie Plum.”

  He smiled and looked over at the other suit. “This is our lucky day, Ed. Just when we’re wondering how we’re going to snatch Stephanie Plum, s
he brings herself to us.”

  “Yeah, lucky us,” Ed said. “Unlucky her.”

  The door pushed open behind me, and Grandma stepped in. “I thought I’d give it a peek, too,” she said.

  “Well, what have we got here?” Ed asked.

  “I’m Edna,” Grandma said. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Ed. And this is Chick.”

  The other suit nodded and smiled at Grandma.

  “This is a very nice room you have back here. I like the decorating,” Grandma said. “Although, I’m guessing Benny will miss his La-Z-Boy.”

  “I’m thinking we have Stephanie Plum’s granny here,” Ed said.

  “Yeah, we hit the jackpot,” Chick said. “It would be good if you two ladies would move away from the door.”

  “Actually, we’re going to be heading out,” I said. “Nice meeting you.”

  Both of the suits pulled guns and the two guys in jeans moved to the back of the room. I heard Grandma take in a sharp breath, and I wrapped my hand around her wrist and gave it a fast squeeze.

  “Step away from the door,” Ed said. “There’s people who want to talk to you and Granny.”

  My heart was running at double time, beating so hard I had blurred vision. Bad enough I had stumbled into this—now I had Grandma in their crosshairs.

  “Who wants to talk to us?” I asked.

  “People,” Ed said. “You got a hearing problem?”

  “That’s rude,” Grandma said. “The La-Z-Boys would never talk to a lady like that.”

  I was calculating the distance between Grandma and me and the open door and the time it would take the gorilla in a suit to pull the trigger. Probably he wouldn’t kill us because people wouldn’t like that. On the other hand, people might think I was expendable. Grandma had the key to the treasure. I was most likely just a pain in the ass. So, they might be willing to kill me and run down Grandma. I was about to turn and drag Grandma through the door when Potts burst in.

  “Here you are,” he said. “I got worried when you didn’t come right out. So, I came to see if you were okay.”

  Potts spotted the two goons in suits and his eyes got wide. “Oh b-b-boy,” he said.

  “What the heck,” Ed said.