I jolted at the high-pitched shriek from Levi and automatically reached for him, mumbling, “He’s hungry.”
“I know,” Beau responded just as softly, a hint of offense weaving through the two small words. “I’ve got it.” He moved past my awaiting hands, keeping Levi close to his chest with the older kids trailing close behind.
And I stood frozen in my grief.
At the paralyzing unfamiliarity and coldness that stretched between us for the first time in our lives. It felt wrong, so wrong. But I was helpless to stop it when the thought of him, let alone the sight of him, had me spiraling down a dark hole of everything he’d done.
Every way he’d betrayed me.
My eyelids slipped shut when the kids’ laughter rang free behind me, mixing with Beau’s low, gravelly voice as he spoke to them and fixed snacks. As he and Levi babbled nonsense to each other, and whatever our youngest did had one of those rare, rough laughs scraping up Beau’s throat.
Unable to stand there any longer without falling into that precious time that I missed and craved—or, worse, falling into my husband’s arms—I forced myself to walk away. Hurrying through the house until I ended up in the supply closet again. Staring vacantly at towels and linens and supplies until they blurred from view.
My shoulders jerked when Beau was suddenly there. Gently gripping at my wrist to move my hand away from my mouth.
“I wasn’t biting it.”
“I know,” he murmured as he stepped into my line of sight. “Savannah—”
“I can’t,” I said before he could continue, head shaking furiously. “I can’t do this in front of the kids.”
His stare shifted to the doorway and lingered when he said, “They’re playing. Levi’s in his sit-and-play.”
I wondered for only a second how long I’d been in there if the kids were all playing but shook off the thought and took a step back until I was pressed to the shelving. “I won’t do this in front of the kids, Beau. Not while they’re here.”
“Savannah, we have to talk—”
“I said no,” I cried out.
The muscle in his jaw feathered before he gave a harsh nod and left the closet, leaving a trail of his anguish and fear. Mixed with my grief and betrayal, it felt lethal.
* * *
The book in my lap was unopened, but I didn’t care.
I wasn’t sure if I’d even grabbed the book I’d recently been reading, I’d just reached out and grabbed a book on my way to sit in one of the living room chairs that evening. Waiting, waiting, waiting for when Beau would come downstairs.
For when he would leave.
My soul was screaming for him to stay. To make this hellish nightmare go away. But my heart needed him to leave because if this day had shown me anything, it was that I wasn’t ready.
He’d played with the kids for hours, and when Quinn had begun crying at the thought of him not being there for another dinner, he’d assured her he would be there.
And I’d nearly crumpled.
Wondering what kind of mom I was to put her children through that. I’d been so consumed by my own pain that I’d neglected their own confusion and hurt.
I’d choked back tears all through making dinner and hadn’t been able to eat once we were sitting, my stomach in knots from being pulled in so many directions. My body trembling from the overwhelming emotions I’d been drowning under for so long.
When I’d dropped a plate I was washing afterward, Beau had gently eased me aside and told me to go sit down, that he had it.
“Don’t touch me and don’t tell me what to do,” I’d quietly seethed, picking the pieces of the plate out of the sink.
He hadn’t responded or said a word to me since.
But he’d been there.
Tall and commanding and somber. Looking better than any man should in his signature Converse and dark jeans with his white tee stretched perfectly over his muscled build. Drawing me closer while my mind screamed to turn away. Making my soul sing and my chest wrench open. Stealing my heart repeatedly just to crush it.
I’d never been so conflicted or tormented. My entire being was so utterly exhausted after the hours near him. And I was sure if I would’ve had to watch him interact with our kids for another five minutes, I would’ve forgotten why I’d told him to leave in the first place.
The man was dangerous to my heart. He always had been.
I stilled when his steps sounded on the stairs, mentally counting each one so I knew where he was. But instead of turning for the front door, he turned toward me.
A trembling breath broke free when he entered the living room, my eyes focusing on the unopened book as he came closer and closer.
“They’re all in bed.”
I nodded when he stepped in front of me, squeezing my eyes tight when I had the strongest urge to look up at him. “Thank you.”
“Thank you for letting me see them,” he said, sounding like I’d given him the greatest gift in the world.
“I shouldn’t have kept you from them like that.” My head shook subtly as I lost the fight and looked into his eyes. Studying the emotions there and the sleepless nights defined beneath them and the way his black hair was all kinds of messed up from running his hands through it. “You can do this—what you did today. You know, come after work and stay until they go to bed. If you want.”
“If I want?” His tongue darted out to wet his lips as a huff left him. “Where else would I want to be? It’s killing me not being here with them every day—not being with you. We need to talk about what happened.”
“No, we don’t. I said not when the kids are here.”
“Then when?” he demanded. When my head only continued moving in rapid shakes, he rocked back a step, his fingers curling into fists before he flexed them and drove them through his hair. And then he was crouching down in front of me, hands on the arms of the chair. “You won’t talk to me when they’re home, but that’s the only time I can be here. How the hell are we—”
“I’m not ready, Beau,” I cried softly. “I can barely navigate my thoughts, let alone get through a day. I’m not ready.”
“Together,” he said, rough and firm. “We get through things together. Remember?”
“Not this,” I breathed, my soul crying out as our combined agony surged through the room. “Please go.”
Beau stood, body slightly swaying as he looked at me with open fear. “Savannah . . .”
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
His chest pitched, pain and regret twisting his features as he gestured to me before gesturing in the direction he’d just come from. “Yeah.” His head hung and one of his hands came up to grip at his chest. “I—fuck.” He started away, steps slow and staggered before they stopped altogether at the edge of the living room. “Every last breath.”
And then he was gone.
As soon as the front door shut, I broke. A sob ripping from deep within the hollow of my chest as I crumpled in on myself. Body shuddering. Heart shattering. Soul grieving in a way I wasn’t sure I’d ever come back from.
“What?”
I grabbed Madi’s hand and hurried her farther away from the boys, hushing her as I did.
Her eyes were round, her face lit up with surprise and excitement for new dirty deets. “When did this happen?” she whisper-yelled.
“It hasn’t.”
“But y’all are ready,” she said meaningfully. “When did that happen?”
“Well, why do you think I’m tellin’ you?”
She glanced behind her, a mixture of a snort and a giggle leaving her as she grasped my hand even tighter and danced forward with me like we weren’t already being suspicious. Like we weren’t talking about the two Dixon boys behind us.
Hunter and Madison were officially done with middle school and would be joining Beau and me at the high school next year, and I couldn’t wait to have my best friend at school with me again. But to celebrate the last day of this school year, we’d m
et up at the diner for milkshakes and fries the same as we had the last couple of years.
And I’d just told her what I’d been dying to tell her for days: I was ready.
You know . . . to go there with Beau.
Come end of summer, Beau and I were gonna be connected in an even deeper way, and I would no longer be a virgin.
Oh. My. God.
She stopped mid-pirouette and pulled me to a jarring halt with her. “Wait, have you told Beau?”
My mouth parted but nothing came out for a moment. “I mean, he knows. I didn’t tell him, tell him. But he knows because we, you know, do stuff, and it’s going that direction.”
She smacked at my arm. “You told me before telling Beau?”
“Shh!” I skipped forward, dragging her with me, and jumped onto a storefront bench. Hurrying across it and leaping off in a grand jeté that was nowhere near as good as Madison’s.
“Gorgeous,” she said when she linked her arm through mine.
I bumped her hip. “Liar.”
“It was!”
I just rolled my eyes, knowing we would go back and forth on this all day.
We’d both been dancing since we could walk and taking lessons since we were three. I’d met her the week we moved to Amber when my mom had taken me to check out the tiny studio in town.
But while I was good at ballet, it wasn’t my strength like it was Madison’s. Probably because everything we danced to in ballet kinda made me wanna fall asleep, and I craved music that I felt in my bones. The kind of music that made me move.
Hip-hop, on the other hand? That’s where I thrived.
But taking classes with Madison was only one of the reasons we were so close. The other had everything to do with the boys trailing behind us.
“So, when are you gonna tell him? Because you have to actually tell him . . . right?” she asked, sounding a little unsure. “I’m telling Hunter.”
I shoved her away before pulling her super close, a gasp ripping through me as the conversation turned around to her. “You’re what?”
Shock and confusion covered her face before it fell dramatically. “No! Not that—not yet.” Her cheeks blazed red as a soft laugh left her. “Oh my word, we haven’t even—” She glanced over her shoulder before dipping her head closer to me, her voice dropping to a whisper. “He hasn’t even touched my that. You know this. He just touched my these”—she subtly gestured to her boobs—“for the first time, like, a month ago!”
“You said you were telling him. I thought—”
“I meant when I’m ready, I’m gonna tell him.” She lifted her hands to her cheeks. “Oh my gosh, I feel like I’m gonna pass out.”
My head tilted back as a laugh tumbled free, and then I was linking our arms again and continuing on the trek toward the Dixons’ house and mine.
“Well, I don’t know how to tell him,” I said, finally answering. “It feels weird, trying to think of a way to say to him, ‘Hey, I want to have sex.’” The last was said so softly, it almost got lost in the late spring breeze. “Like, I just want it to happen and be perfect and beautiful.”
When Madi didn’t respond, I glanced over to find her looking at me like she was trying so hard not to laugh.
“Don’t make fun of me, you brat!”
The laugh broke free. So hard and loud, she immediately began wheezing. Head slowly shaking as she tried to speak and catch her breath. By the time she finally did, tears were slipping out of the corners of her eyes.
“I’m sorry, friend, it’s just the thought of anything Beau and beautiful is funny.” Another sharp laugh left her when I smacked her shoulder. “Maybe brutal.”
“You’re so hateful,” I chastised as I turned to face Beau and Hunter while walking backward.
Beau was watching me, taking in my every move in that intense way that always made my heart race and my stomach dance. His signature tight-white-shirt-and-jeans combo making him look like something right out of the fifties and doing crazy things to me. The hint of a smirk on his gorgeous face telling me he most definitely knew we were talking about them.
“You know he’s different with me,” I said softly.
“I know, I know,” Madison admitted. “But since you’re the only one who sees that side of him, it is funny for the rest of us—even someone like me who sees teeny, tiny glimpses of your private moments—to think of Beau Dixon being beautiful.”
“His heart’s beautiful,” I confessed.
She exhaled slowly before shrugging. “If you say it is, then it is.” A worried noise left her when she turned to face the boys just as Beau shoved Hunter a few feet away.
But Beau’s powerful stare never left me, and Hunter’s laugh crossed the distance between us.
“He’s fine,” I murmured and tried to ignore Madison’s silence that seemed to shout what she was clearly thinking.
This time.
A bomb set to explode—that’s how everyone else saw Beau, including his parents and especially mine. They just didn’t understand him. They didn’t see underneath all the anger to the pain and frustration he held for that anger.
Then again . . . it wasn’t exactly their faults. He didn’t let anyone in except me.
But I saw him differently. I saw how he struggled to control what he felt controlled him. Saw how much it wrecked him when he hurt the people he cared about.
Beau’s anger was big. So big. But so were the rest of his emotions.
The way he cared. The way he hurt. The way he loved and cherished me. All so intense in that Beau way . . . he just hid those amazing parts of himself from the rest of the world.
I stopped walking when Hunter started jogging our way, never slowing down when he wrapped Madison up in his arms, her laugh trailing behind them just as Beau reached me.
Pulling me close and resting his forehead on mine as he slowly walked me backward. One hand pressed firmly to the small of my back, the other around my cheek and teasing my hair as his mouth brushed across mine.
“What were y’all talking about?”
My lips twisted into a coy smirk before pressing against his again. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
A rumble sounded deep in his chest before he effortlessly turned me so I was facing forward and tucked against his side.
“Why’d you push Hunter?”
Beau glanced down at me, his deep, deep dimples flashing a rare hello to match his even rarer smile. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
My lips parted on a huff because that was so not fair, but he wouldn’t get me to talk that easily. I could fight my curiosity.
“Nope,” I lied, popping the p and earning a rough, whispered laugh from him.
“So, what do you wanna do this summer?”
You.
I felt my cheeks and neck get hot at the thought and hurried to look at the road slowly passing beneath our feet.
“You have cheer camp and dance,” he said softly when I didn’t answer. “I’ll be in the orchard a lot. But we have nights.”
Oh my God, am I sweating?
I’m definitely sweating.
“And the party out by our lake in a couple nights.” He cleared his throat. “And you’re still not talking . . .”
“Yes, I am.”
He pulled us to a stop and made sure I wasn’t standing on the road before looking around us, running a hand nervously through his jet-black hair. “Savannah, I asked what you wanted to do this summer about five minutes ago.”
“No, you—” I glanced behind us, surprised to see we were nowhere near where I remembered us just being.
How long had I been freaking out over Beau figuring out my super-embarrassing thoughts?
His dark blue eyes studied me when I faced him again, looking worried and curious. “If you want to do something else, you just gotta say it, Savannah.”
“I wanna be with you this summer,” I said quickly, the words falling from my lips like I was confessing something bad.
Beau nodded and to
ok a step to the side to continue home.
“I’m ready. I want it. With you—us,” I rambled. “I wanna do that. Be with you—sex. I want sex.”
That was as awkward as I thought it’d be!
Beau had come to a stop as soon as the word sex left me, his head whipping back around to look at me and eyes wider than I’d ever seen them.
For long seconds or maybe minutes or hours, he just stood there staring at me.
“That’s what Madison and I were talking about. That’s why I wasn’t talking just now . . . because that’s what I want. I just didn’t know how to tell you, and I didn’t really wanna tell you because I wanted it to happen like in the movies, you know? Where they don’t have to say anything, it just hap—”
He stopped me with his mouth to mine. The kiss was firm until I melted against him, and then he was teasing my lips with his tongue and slipping it inside my mouth when I opened for him.
Soft.
Inviting.
Easy.
“Got it, angel.”
And then he was pulling back from me and walking away, leaving me in a daze in a way only Beau Dixon and his lips could.
“Wait,” I said, snapping out of it and hurrying after him. “That’s it? You aren’t gonna say anything? You don’t have any thoughts like maybe I’m crazy or you want that too or-or-or anything?”
“We’re not talking about it.”
My feet became one with the road beneath me.
My heart sank and humiliation rushed through me for the half-second that he left me hanging there.
“We’re not talking about it because you want it to happen like in the movies. No saying anything, just letting it happen when it’s meant to,” he said in that soft, rough tone. Glancing over his shoulder and studying me with that fierce, adoring passion that had a way of knocking me off my feet. “And that’s exactly what I’m gonna give you.”
I was sure if I could’ve moved, I would’ve run up and kissed him. But I was too stunned as I tried to process the way he’d let me know he wanted it too. He wanted that with me.
Beau reached out for me, the corner of his mouth lifting in that way he had of smirking. The tilt of his lips so subtle, and yet it changed his expression so completely. Did the most amazing things to my heart and body.
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