Awaken, Shadows of a Forgotten Past

by Marcia Maidana

  The simple word “Lady” coming from his lips, sent a shock through my body. I felt my arms and legs loosen as if I had been badly shaken. I inhaled deeply, attempting to manage the strange feelings. Why did that name feel so familiar?

  “Are you all right?” His eyes turned from the horse to me.

  “Yes. Just wondering why you haven’t named this one,” I lied, keeping my face composed.

  “I tried, but couldn’t come up with the right one. Perhaps you’d like to give him a name.”

  “Me? Are you sure? I’m not very good with names.”

  “I have a hard time believing that when you bear the perfect name.” His voice was soft, but his British accent was strong, revealing a trace of nervousness.

  “Thank you.” I was flattered by the compliment, but at the same time wondered what he really meant by ‘the perfect name.’

  “So, what is his name going to be?”

  “Let me think.” Nothing came to mind at first, but as I observed the strength and presence that the animal possessed, soon I had it. “General.” The word, general, came out of my lips naturally, as if I had said it a million times before. It might have something to do with the fact that I felt relieved to have thought of a name so quickly, and because the uneasiness that had come over me earlier was now gone.

  “Why?” he asked more to himself than to me. “Why General?”

  “He is strong and imposing. He looks like a general.”

  “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that. But if you like the name, then it’s official. General it is.”

  “It doesn’t have to be General if you don’t like it.”

  “I know that.” His voice was sure—the name would stay.

  “Should we ride then?”

  Watching Mr. Sterling’s trained hands as he fastened the saddles on the horses, I wondered how many times he had done it before. I marveled at his tenderness towards the animals as he carefully led them out of the stables.

  He recited a few obvious safety rules, as if I were a child. I answered with, “Yes, I will remember that” or “Yes, I know” or “Sure, I’ll do that.”

  Before I knew what had happened, Mr. Sterling grabbed my waist and sat me up sideways on Lady. “Don’t worry, she is docile,” he assured, checking the reins one final time. “She should be easy to ride.”

  I looked down to pat Lady’s soft neck and said, “I’m not worried. I’ll be all right.” My gaze found its way back to Mr. Sterling. He turned to his horse, and his long legs made the act of mounting General look effortless.

  With Mr. Sterling leading the way, we rode quietly through the trees. The already gray day seemed to turn several shades darker amid the forest. It didn’t take long for me to lose all sense of direction—everything around us looked very much the same.

  Occasionally, Mr. Sterling would point to a tree or some wild flower and tell me its name. But there wasn’t much opportunity to carry on with a normal conversation, which was what I really wanted. This was the perfect chance—away from the house, away from people—to get to know him.

  I wanted to suggest stopping for a while. The trick was to not sound too anxious, but I couldn’t arrange the correct words in my mind. On we went, my heart precipitating with every passing minute, urging me not to waste this opportunity—yet I remained silent.

  When Mr. Sterling said, “We’ll rest a little farther ahead,” I inhaled deeply, encouraging my heart to slow down.

  We soon exited the trees to find a small meadow covered with wild grass and flowers—the perfect spot to rest the horses and to spend time together.

  “Wait—I’ll help you,” he instructed, swiftly dismounting General. After securing the horses’ reins to a tree, he walked around Lady to help me dismount. Mr. Sterling extended his arms out to me, his hands on my ribs; I reached down for his wide shoulders. I landed so close to him that I could feel his pounding heart. I didn’t dare to look up; he hesitated for a moment before removing his hands from my waist.

  He walked into the meadow and lay flat on his back in the grass. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I sat next to him, wondering what he was feeling—thinking about.

  A long silent moment went by.

  Noticing his peaceful countenance, I asked, “Mr. Sterling, are you asleep?”

  “I know I’m old, but when you call me Mr. Sterling, it makes me feel ancient.” He opened one eye to inspect my reaction. “You can call me by my first name.”

  “Alexander?”

  “No!” I was startled at his quick reaction. Surely Alexander was his name. I had read it many times on his documents. “My mother would call me Alexander.” He laughed. “You can call me Alex.” He turned on his side to look at me.

  “All right, I’ll call you Alex.”

  “What shall I call you?” His eyes were intense. I looked away, hoping that the heat in my face was not apparent.

  “Miss Contini,” I joked, and was rewarded when he laughed again. For a moment, I could see the young Alex of my dreams, the Alex whose face hadn’t been etched with sorrow and whose eyes weren’t shadowed and troubled. “Florence is fine.”

  “Florence,” he repeated. My name on his lips was a strange sound. “Tell me about you—your childhood.”

  “You’ll be bored if I did.” I meant what I said. My growing up years contained very little excitement. “Growing up in a religious school with a nun substituting for a mother wasn’t very exciting at all, but I have no right to complain. I did get a good education. That’s about it.”

  He smiled. “No, that couldn’t be it.”

  “Seriously, you’ll be bored.”

  “Try me.”

  I contemplated the expression on his face, and I saw his determination to know more about me. I didn’t see a way out of it—if I wanted to spend some time with him, I would have to be willing to share my history. Besides, I hoped that if I opened up first, he would follow suit.

  “Very well then—what would you like to know?”

  “Everything.”

  “Everything…hmm.” I considered what everything meant, and for the first time since meeting him, I realized how little of the world I knew. Here I was with a man more than double my age. He had been a successful general in the British Army, had had a family, and had accumulated countless experiences in many areas of life in which I had not. Compared to him, yes, I was a child. I stole a glance at him, reminding myself that he was also the most handsome man I had ever seen. I had never thought about men the way I thought about him. Was this the sudden fever of love that devastated reason? I couldn’t say, for I had never felt it before, only read about it in books.

  The frankness in the silent conversation that I carried with myself took me aback. I was finally coming to terms with what was happening to me, yet not sure how to handle it.

  When Alex spoke again, I realized that I must have been quiet for too long. “Start from the beginning. You were abandoned at the monastery, but there must be something more you know.” His words came out so naturally that I wondered if he had rehearsed them before.

  I made a conscious effort to shift from my emotional side to the logical one as I started to disclose my story. “All I know is that it was summer, nineteen years ago, when on her morning walk Granny heard a cry coming from one of the gardens.”

  “Summer…” Alex repeated, thoughtfully.

  “Granny followed the cry and found me wrapped in a small blanket. She said that as soon as she picked me up from the ground, I stopped crying, and she loved me ever since.”

  “How old were you?”

  “Days, weeks, I really don’t know with certainty.”

  He pointed to my wrist. “You said that your bracelet was left with you, right?”

  “Yes, it was. Granny thought that ‘Florence Contini’ was my mother’s name. To keep a link with the past, in case my parents came back for me, she named me likewise.”

  Alex shook his head and furrowed his brow. I didn’t understand why, but it
seemed to me that my story didn’t make sense to him, as if he didn’t believe it. But, why wouldn’t he? It was the truth, my truth.

  “Tell me, Florence, did anybody ever come asking for you?”

  “No,” I answered, softly.

  “I’m sorry…that’s hard to believe.”

  “It’s quite all right. I’m not the only one to go through this. Children, especially babies, are abandoned on a regular basis nowadays.”

  “That’s true, but in your case, it’s unbelievable…I mean—who could abandon you?” His eyes swept over me, and this time I was sure he was looking at me as a woman, not a child. I felt my cheeks ignite in fire, and I was grateful when he spoke again, diverting the attention from me. “Sister Dolores raised you as hers, then?”

  “She did. She is a great woman and mentor. She ran the school masterfully and always tried to be fair and not spoil me—”

  Alex interrupted. “I think she failed in that.”

  His good humor surprised me, and made me feel joyful. “Yes, I guess she did. I always got away with things.”

  “Things like what?” he asked, mischievously.

  I couldn’t believe how curious he was. I racked my memory for something to share that wasn’t embarrassing. “Well, like letting me escape from the girls’ dormitory to have my own space.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “The dormitories were too crowded. I did enjoy the girls’ company, but a little personal space is always good. Besides, it wasn’t fun when the girls left for holidays or weekends and I was left alone to stare at their empty beds.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “It was a long process to convince Granny to let me have the room which houses the spiral staircase of the East Tower.”

  “You sleep there?” He seemed shocked.

  Swiftly reading the expression of disbelief on his face of my misfortune, I clarified my situation. “It’s not a dungeon! It’s a large room, surrounded by windows and a balcony. I love it because it is bright, peaceful, and I like to see the sunrise from the tower. It’s beautiful.”

  Alex nodded in agreement. “Now that you described it, yes, it does sound wonderful. Much different than I’d imagined.”

  “Now, the girls’ dormitories on the other hand did feel like a prison cell, with rows of beds on both sides of the long rooms and a wide hall in the middle.”

  “You made a smart move, then. The monastery sounds interesting.”

  “You should visit sometime. I’d love to show you around.”

  “Maybe someday.” His answer was a definite never and we both knew it. Stopping me from pursuing the subject any further, he asked, “What about your classes?”

  “What about them?”

  “Did you like your classes? Did you have female teachers? Nuns?”

  Talking about me was already growing tiresome. I wanted to know about him, but I did answer his questions. “Umm, I liked most of them. Yes, they were all nuns. Occasionally we had some ornery sisters, but nothing too scary—and once we had a monk teach history for a couple of years.”

  “A monk?”

  “Yes, from a church in Montrose.” I leaned back, letting my elbows touch the grass. “He possessed a fascinating ability to teach and relate stories. The girls loved him.”

  “And you?”

  I liked his question. Was he jealous? Why would he be? But just in case, I wouldn’t disclose how old and unattractive the monk was, not to mention how weird. “He was all right…”

  “Just all right?”

  “Yes, not more, not less—just all right.”

  Alex turned back onto his back and stretched his arms over his head on the grass. From the corner of my eye, I admired his physique—he was all lean, sculpted strength and grace.

  “History lessons—how nice,” he whispered, still caught up in the monk subject. If he only knew what I thought about him, all his jealousy, if I allowed myself to call it that, would instantly dissipate.

  “He is albino,” I revealed. “And he had the most transparent, light blue eyes, I’ve ever seen.”

  “I see.”

  “You know, sometimes, I feel a wistful longing for those days.”

  “Are you referring to the school or the monk?” His voice was colorless but a smile crossed his eyes.

  I almost said, ‘the school of course’ but my answer got mixed up and came out very differently. “Both,” I teased.

  “I thought that much,” he teased back.

  “When all is said and done, it’s sad that Higher Grounds closed its doors. At times, the monastery feels like a tomb—silent and still.”

  “Don’t say that—you are young and full of life, and Sister Dolores is still there for you.” His tone was a bit harsh; something that I said didn’t set well with him.

  “I know. All my friends graduated when I did and they would’ve moved on anyway. I have to move on too. I guess that eventually I will. Although, I had hoped to be a teacher there someday,” I confessed. “Or perhaps, I had hoped that one day my own children would attend my school. But it’s not possible anymore.”

  “It could reopen in the future. The economy can’t stay like this forever,” he said, bringing his body to sit straight up. I did the same.

  “One can only hope. It would be wonderful if it did reopen.”

  Alex moved a little closer, reducing my ability to think. He looked up at the sky as the meadow grew darker. Gray, low clouds were swiftly rolling in. I studied his eyes, and the strong impression that I had known him for a very long time came upon me once more.

  “Have you dated much?” His eyes were still focused on the clouds.

  “What?” I stammered, totally taken aback.

  “Have you ever been courted by a man?” he persisted, his voice clear and calm. I wondered if all the talk about my teacher the monk had influenced his question.

  “Enough of me!” I protested, feeling extremely awkward. “It’s your turn.” I could not respond to that question. Growing up under Granny’s watchful eye, I had no real opportunity for dating, and the thought of admitting that to Alex made me feel like a naive schoolgirl. Even though that was basically true, I had my pride.

  “Are you purposely avoiding my question, Miss Contini?” His voice was a whisper now. His hand under my chin, he softly turned my face towards him.

  “Yes, I am. What about you?” My voice made it clear that I didn’t intend to budge. I had shared enough about me. It was his turn.

  Alex’s gaze became lost in the distance as a soft breeze started to pick up. “There is a storm coming. We should head back.” Abruptly, he jumped to his feet. But I wanted answers, and this might be my only chance to obtain them.

  Shaking the grass off my clothes, I stood beside him. “Are you purposely avoiding my question, Mr. Sterling?”

  “We should head back,” he repeated.

  “Why won’t you tell me? I want to know.”

  “I can’t—you wouldn’t understand.” His soft tone made me furious. Why did he play games with me?

  “What makes you think that? What can be so terrible?” The subject of his past seemed to raise an impenetrable wall between us—a wall which I had carefully avoided but not any longer.

  Ignoring me, he headed towards the horses.

  “We need to go or we’ll be caught in the storm.”

  “I’m not going until you tell me! What are you hiding from me? Tell me!”

  Alex walked closer to General. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back from the horse. “It would only hurt you. Cause you grief. Please, Florence, let’s go.” A shadow of pain spread in his eyes.

  The wind picked up and raindrops started to fall upon us—his hair flopped across his forehead—the young soldier from my dreams stood in front of me. I shook my head, averting my eyes from him.

  “Hurt me? Cause me pain?” I said in disbelief. “It couldn’t cause me any more pain than it’s causing you. Do you think I can’t see it? Do you really bel
ieve that I’m that blind?” What had gotten into me? I felt like another person, speaking as if I had a rightful claim on him.

  “Florence, please stop! If you only knew—you would run away. My past would haunt you just like it haunts me. I would lose you again.” He groaned, holding his head in his hands.

  “What are you talking about? Lose me again? What do you mean?” His words were incomprehensible to me; as always, my attempt to get answers had only created more questions. The rain started to pick up. Lightning illuminated the sky. Lady and General rocked back and forth nervously.

  “You wouldn’t understand!” Alex yelled. The inflection in his voice suggested that I was too young to understand, too incapable. “You are so obstinate! Why is this happening to me?” He made a fist and punched a tree trunk. I had pushed him to his limits, and the consequences slapped me in the face.

  Alex hit the tree again.

  I screamed over the loud booms of thunder. “Stop, please stop!” On his face, I could clearly read a depth of suffering that shocked me. One more time he crushed his fist on the tree. “Stop it!” I wanted to cry, but controlled myself. Making my voice as stern as I could manage, I tried one more time. “Alex, stop it!”

  His chest heaving, he tromped towards Lady, carefully avoiding my frightened gaze. Rigid as a stone he held the animal’s reins, waiting for me to mount. “I’m sorry,” I said, feeling terribly guilty at the sight of his bleeding hand. Reaching for my waist, he said nothing. His tense fingers dug into my skin. Once I was seated on Lady, Alex mounted General and led us back through the trees.

  We hadn’t gone too far when the rain started to come down in pounding sheets. The trees swung back and forth in the wind, hindering our march and making the horses restless.

  “It’s too dangerous to ride—the horses are too scared—get off!” Alex ordered, dismounting General. I didn’t have to be told again. Alex walked on; I slid off Lady and tried to keep up with him.

  A boom of thunder resounded in the air, making Lady pull strongly against her reins. “It’s okay, girl, you’re fine,” I reassured her.

  “Hold her reins tight—don’t let her feel your fear or she’ll run away. Stay close to me.”