Awaken, Shadows of a Forgotten Past

by Marcia Maidana

  “‘Wasn’t it the best bell you’ve ever heard? I can’t imagine why it’s not being used,’ she blurted out once she recovered her breath.”

  Alex laughed wholeheartedly. “She truly is one of a kind.”

  “After that visit, I thought she wouldn’t be allowed to come to the monastery ever again, but as you know, I was wrong.” I frowned.

  “Was she punished for her foolishness?”

  “I really don’t know. I doubt it. She seems to always get her way, either by commanding or annoying you.”

  Alex laughed again. “All of the things that you have lived through that I have no idea of.”

  Yes, all of those things…and I could say the same about you. All of the places, people, and experiences I wish I knew about—but I won’t ask.

  I had accepted him this way and had promised to wait. Yet, I hadn’t forgotten my recent question and that was something he could answer. “Enough of Sister Callahan—you haven’t answered my question yet.”

  “What? About Mrs. White?”

  He hasn’t forgotten. “Yes, how did she take the news?”

  “Normal.”

  “Normal?” When it came to Mrs. White, I wasn’t sure what normal meant. Was it that she took it well or did it upset her beyond words?

  “Don’t worry about Mrs. White. She wants the best for me, and you are the best for me.” His uncompromising answer was a sign that she was livid with the idea.

  How can I not worry about her? I wished I could understand her dislike for me. I wished that my presence wouldn’t cause friction between Alex and her.

  I sat down on a wooden bench, or what was left of one, under a cluster of Elm trees. Alex followed and sat beside me, his arm stretching across my shoulders. “Are you sure I’m the best for you?”

  “Do you think that I would be here if I thought otherwise?” His deep blue eyes filled with light as he looked into the clear sky. “And speaking of being here, we have an unfinished discussion—”

  “We do?”

  “You’re questioning me, but you are the one who hasn’t committed to a wedding date yet.” His eyes turned from the sky to me and I felt my face turn red. “Next week?”

  “No, not next week!” I giggled.

  “Seriously, why not?”

  “We should do it properly, and the proper way takes time,” I explained. He groaned in discontent. I had never seen him so eager.

  “Very well, how long do I have to wait then?”

  “More than a week,” I taunted.

  “I won’t settle for anything over a month.” Abruptly, he enveloped me in his arms and kissed me slowly, softly, bringing all my defenses down.

  “You know, it is not fair what you do to me,” I managed to say, liberating my lips from his just in time to see a smile of contentment on his face. “A month it is.”

  “Florence, you make me the happiest man alive.”

  I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes, I felt safe in his arms. “Let’s have the ceremony here at the monastery.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  “Alex, I will make you completely happy.”

  “You already do.”

  “I want to give you a family.” I felt his body go rigid at my words. I had rushed to express my feelings—how childish of me not to have thought about his emotions first. My statement had obviously reminded him of his deceased wife and child.

  Would the shadows of his past ever allow us to become one?

  I ambled across the circular drive towards the entrance of the house. Oak’s Place felt unusually silent today. There was no breeze, no birds singing, just stillness in the air.

  Perhaps, the absence of motion made my senses sharper for I knew with certainty that I was being watched. I didn’t have to see her; her cold gaze chilled my entire body.

  Somewhere in the house, like a lion under thick cover deciding the best way to devour its prey, she awaited my arrival.

  My office wasn’t any more lively than the grounds had been. I placed my jacket on a chair and my handbag on top of the desk. I was pulling the curtains apart to let the daylight in the room when the serenity that had been my only companion was removed by Mrs. White’s appearance.

  “Good morning, Miss Contini,” she said curtly.

  “Good morning, Mrs. White.” I remained by the window, cautious.

  “I wasn’t expecting you to be punctual today…if you came at all.”

  “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t I come to work?” Her statement confused me; I was always on time or early.

  “Some people might assume that they have special privileges once they are engaged to be married to their employer.” She stepped closer to the desk, and planted herself by a chair, resting her hands on its back.

  I said nothing.

  “And even more so if the employer is not around,” she said.

  “Mr. Sterling is not home?”

  “You didn’t know? I thought you’d know his whereabouts better than I.”

  “Obviously, that’s not the case.”

  Her lips produced a mockery of a self-satisfied smile. “He left first thing in the morning for New York City.”

  “New York City…” I repeated in disbelief.

  In response to my fallen semblance she tactfully said, “No need to fret Miss Contini. It is a day trip. You’ll see him tomorrow. He wanted to buy something or other for his wedding—a bit too rushed in my opinion.” Her tone, thick with dislike, made sure that I noticed the emphasis she had placed on the word ‘his’. Surely, she would not say ‘your’ or ‘yours’ or anything that might reflect a connection between Alex and me.

  “I see. I’m happy you are well informed.” The discussion was uncomfortable to say the least. I wasn’t sure how to manage it.

  “I am and if there were any doubts, the ring removed them all.” She pointed to the engagement ring on my finger. “I would recognize that ring anywhere.”

  My eyes flickered from her to my ring. Her words had implied a deeper meaning than what I heard. The ring had an important history attached to it. “It’s beautiful.” I raised my hand in front of me appreciating it. Its center stone and outer diamonds shone brightly as the sunrays hit it through the window’s glass. “It’s old, an antique perhaps?” I taunted, doing my best to sound uninterested. I was well aware that I would have to knock her senseless before she revealed anything from his past. At least she had never been willing to do so.

  “It traveled from France to London a long time ago.” Mrs. White said nothing to appease my curiosity. It was mind-boggling to me how calculating she was.

  “Well, it is perfect.” I smiled proudly, conscious that my acting would only infuriate her. That was exactly what I wanted. I was fed up with her meddling, and I wouldn’t fall for her provocations. Why did I have to be careful or render her any explanations? After all, I was now Alex’s fiancée and she was an employee, an old trusted employee, but an employee nonetheless. I deserved a little respect. Mrs. White was right on that much; I did assume that I deserved special privileges, including respect.

  Poison flourished in her gaze. “Miss Contini, I came into your office with the single purpose of making one thing absolutely clear.” Her fingers tightened around the fabric of the chair.

  “I’m listening.” I took a couple of steps towards her, making the point that I was not afraid of her or anything she had to say.

  “I don’t agree with you and Mr. Sterling’s mingling, relationship, engagement, whatever you’d like to call it. There is something not healthy about it. I promise you it will only bring suffering and regret. I strongly suggest you reconsider your decision.”

  “Thank you for your sincerity, Mrs. White. In all frankness, you don’t have to agree with our engagement. Mr. Sterling is old enough and more than able to decide for himself.”

  My reply was deadly to her ego. Her eyes were barely a slit as she spoke, “He is but—”

  I interrupted her. “Our minds are made up.
There is no going back now.”

  Her eyes avoided mine. She took a step towards the door and when I thought she would leave, she faced me once more. Her demeanor had radically switched. She had collected herself and in a way, it was frightening; she changed her temperament effortlessly, efficiently, like turning over a coin to see its other side. She was in total control of herself and when she spoke again, her voice was devoid of all anger.

  “If you won’t acknowledge anything I say, at least acknowledge the fact that I am older than you and know and have seen things that you are completely oblivious to. It is from that perspective that I counsel you to end your engagement to Mr. Sterling.

  “Sure, he is handsome, rich, and very persuasive, but believe me, there are things that weigh heavily against all of that. Things that are better left unknown. You are playing with fire, Miss Contini, and you will be burned.”

  “You are right—I do ignore many things, but if you are so concerned about it, and they are so relevant, why don’t you enlighten me?”

  “If only I could…” She shook her head in disappointment, and without another word left the room. I stared at her until she was out of sight. I hated myself for letting her words find purchase in my mind.

  It had been a week full of ups and downs. It seemed like life was forever trying to balance out the happy moments with distressing ones, for immediately Alex’s health took a turn for the worse, and he returned to his old habit of retreating behind his bedroom door.

  I had spent all Saturday waiting for Alex. He had promised to visit today but it was late in the afternoon and he hadn’t called.

  To help pass time Granny had sent me downtown to Fr. Thompson’s to deliver boxes full of old books.

  Fr. Thompson was gardening out back when I pulled up to the side of the little parish. I wasted no time to retrieve one of the boxes from the back seat. His excellent hearing let him know he had visitors and he ran to greet me. I wondered how he managed to be efficient in doing yard work dressed in his usual black soutane.

  “It must be itchy and hot,” I murmured to myself.

  “Dear Florence, it is so good of you to come and bring me the books.” He extended his arms out taking the box from mine. “Come in, come in.”

  We skirted the side of the building and entered into his receiving area through a small door at the back. An old table accompanied by four chairs, two on each side furnished the small room.

  He invited me to sit but I declined.

  “There are two more boxes in the car,” I told him. I wanted to be polite but I was anxious to return to the monastery. I didn’t want to miss Alex’s visit or call.

  “Wonderful, look at this, it is a treasure.” Fr. Thompson didn’t notice my impatience. He pulled out a book from the box and examined its delicate pages. “I owe Sister Dolores greatly,” he reflected.

  “She sends her best wishes and said that you are welcome to keep the books as long as you need them.”

  “Make sure to give her my thanks—this is marvelous.”

  One by one, he extracted the books out of the box. The last volume was extremely old and it caught my curiosity. “What is that one about? I don’t recall seeing it before.”

  “You might not have. All of these are from the archives at the monastery.” His words gave me the chills. The archives were located in the secluded part of the monastery—the partial basement where not many were allowed. I had never had the inclination to spend time inside its walls. Once, Granny had taken me there to find a mass booklet but I hardly remembered it as a pleasant experience. Having no windows, it was dark and smelled like a combination of dust and humidity. It felt like an ancient prison cell. “I’m doing a little research on life after death. This particular one was written by the church in the 1400s.”

  “Seriously? That’s a long time ago.”

  “Yes, young lady, a long time ago. But the funny thing is that I’m convinced that they knew more then, than we know now about certain things.”

  I frowned not understanding him. “How can that be?”

  “I believe that people have grown more skeptical as time and enlightenment took its course. Skeptical of things that they can’t wrap their minds around or scientifically explain.”

  “That’s interesting.” I leaned forward and opened a book. It was written in Latin, and I put it back down. I hardly remembered any of the Latin I had learned in school. “I hope you enjoy them. I had better get back to Granny. Where would you like the rest of the boxes?”

  “Just a second, I’ll come with you to get them,” Fr. Thompson said. His eyes were fixed on whatever he was reading, and I doubted his inquisitiveness would leave the page any time soon. Suddenly, he started to read aloud, “The souls that are connected by an eternal love live forever, with no beginning nor end.”

  I felt a strong connection to the words he had just read, and a horripilation of dread tingled down my spine. The room’s temperature must have dropped ten degrees; my body turned extremely cold in a matter of seconds.

  Instinctively, I walked out the door and headed straight to the car. I unloaded the boxes onto the curb and left quickly.

  It was on my return to the monastery that I saw Jim, the wrong man, anxiously wanting to speak to me. I parked the car in the old barn and took a moment to decide on how to proceed. With Jim, it was tricky. I never knew if being friendly or hostile would suit him better. It all depended on his mood.

  I opted to be friendly, aware that if he pushed me, my attitude would change rather quickly.

  “Howdy!” Jim said, his tone lively.

  “Hello, Jim, how are you?”

  “I could be better.” He pursed his lips. “Let’s walk.”

  He offered his arm and I took it. We walked to the south garden where the sun was the brightest. Jim leaned a shoulder against a tree, and I stood close by where the sun still reached me.

  “Jim, I’m sorry about what happened last Sunday. I don’t want to lose your friendship.”

  “I heard the news,” informed Jim, sharply.

  “And what do you think?” I asked carefully.

  “I won’t tell you what I truly think because you’ll hate me forever if I do.”

  I didn’t like where this was going. I was at a loss for words already.

  “Florence, I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time.” Jim took a step closer; his hand lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. “You already know that.”

  I brushed his hand off. I wasn’t shocked by what he said. Now that he had said it out loud, I understood I had known it for a while. What bothered me was that his confession created a fracture in our friendship. “Jim, we have been good friends for many years now. Let’s keep it that way.”

  “No, Florence, it’s because of that friendship that I know we can be really happy together.” He was going to be stubborn.

  I sighed. “No, we can’t be happy together, at least not in the way you are thinking.” I paused, gathering enough courage to be completely honest with him. Our friendship deserved that much. “Jim, I don’t love you that way.”

  “How can you say that? How can you not love me as a man? We have been through so much together. We know each other better than anyone else does. We have fun together, we are meant to be together.”

  His exasperation started to rub off on me. “Listen, James, if a marriage is going to work, it must be built on real love.” It hurt me to be so blunt, but there couldn’t be any doubts about my feelings for him.

  “I do feel that love for you. Why can’t you understand it?” His voice was escalating.

  “Why can’t you understand that love must be mutual?” Unconsciously my voice matched his volume.

  “Florence, listen, we have a full life ahead of us. We can have as many children as you want and be really happy together.”

  “Enough, Jim. Please, try to understand that I don’t reciprocate your feelings. It’s nothing against you. Love just comes or it doesn’t.”

&nbs
p; “No, Florence, you try to understand. You aren’t thinking straight since you started working at that house.”

  “Don’t insult me!”

  “Florence, do you know what you want? Let me tell you, because you don’t seem to know. You want a father for your future children, not a grandfather!” He was unjustly angry. I wanted to slap him on the face to bring him back to reality.

  “You are wrong. I know exactly what I want. I’m very capable of choosing for myself.”

  When I attempted to leave, he intercepted me and grabbed both of my arms with a strong grip. He shook me slightly. “What do you see in him that I don’t have?”

  “This has nothing to do with him. Jim, I don’t, I can’t, and I will never love you how you want me to.” He let go of me and held his head in frustration.

  “Do you think I’m stupid?” Jim hissed. “This has everything to do with him! I wish I had never shown you that ad.”

  “Leave Mr. Sterling out of this.”

  Jim exploded, “For goodness’ sake, Florence! What are you doing? Wasting your life away? He is too old for you.”

  “Jim, you don’t even know him. Please, try to be reasonable,” I pleaded.

  “I don’t need to know him to get the point—he is worth a lot of money!” The rage in his tone penetrated my heart like fiery darts. “You look at him and see a mansion, a shiny car, financial security…and what else?”

  “Jim, stop!”

  “No, I’m not going to stop, I know what you think!”

  “No, you don’t!”

  “You look at me and what do you see? Nothing! Just a poor man. All I have to my name is a broken bike and a meager salary that is barely enough to get by. Of course, you prefer him!”

  “I can’t believe you’re saying that! You are being ridiculous.”

  “What else do you want me to say? You can fool yourself all you want, but ten years down the road, you’ll regret your decision. Money won’t buy youth and all that comes with it.”

  “What if I don’t regret it? What if I’m happy with him?”

  “You won’t be. You don’t know what you’re doing. Florence, give me a chance. I can make you truly happy.”