Match Me Perfect

by Jessica Ames

  “Anytime, darling. I’m just sorry everyone was so nosey.” I am grateful we didn’t run into Mace or Loretta. That is the one saving grace of today.

  “Don’t be.”

  “I wish I was driving you back.”

  She sighs. “You’ll miss the ferry. Besides, I’m perfectly capable of getting myself home.”

  “I know you are. You’re the most capable woman I’ve ever met. I just wish I was going with you.”

  Mostly, I’m antsy about leaving her because something is definitely going on with her. She barely meets my eyes and she’s been kind of quiet today. The uncertainty is killing me.

  “Are we okay?” I blurt and she finally raises her gaze.

  Before she can answer, Charlie yells my name. Fuck. I could throttle him. Shitty timing.

  I hand her the keys to the rental car. “You know where you need to leave it at the station to get picked up?”

  She nods. “Bye, Cal.”

  I cup her face and I kiss her as if this is the last kiss I’m ever going to have and I’m starting to think it might be. That she kisses me back is the only thing that stops me from freaking out completely.

  She pulls away and I hate that she does. I want to bundle her up and stick her back on the ferry. It takes everything I have to step away.

  “Bye, sweetheart.”

  And the finality in my words makes my stomach churn.

  46

  Sadie

  By the time I get back to London, I’m a wreck. I can barely think straight. I want Callum, I like him—I’m pretty sure I love him—but we can never be.

  There are so many obstacles in our way—first and foremost the distance. It kills me to say it but that distance is a killer and I don’t know that one of us moving is the right thing. I love London. My friends are here, my family. My sister is about to have a baby. I don’t want to live a hundred miles away from her. And Cal… it’s clear he loves the island. Fishing is in his blood—he told me that the first time we spoke. How can I push him to live in a concrete jungle when he loves the island? I can’t.

  So we have a stalemate. And that is a problem. A big one. I don’t know how or if we can fix it.

  I do call him when I get home, but our conversation is short and clipped. I hate that it is.

  I barely sleep that night and when I wake the next morning my eyes are gritty and achy. I spend a little too long in the shower, my mind on Callum, which means I’m running late. I have to run to get the Tube and I’m in a flap by the time I get off at my stop. Being late isn’t the end of the world, and likely no one will notice or care, but I’m the kind of person who cannot deal with being tardy. I usually turn up fifteen minutes early for everything so knowing I’m going to be late puts me in a funk.

  I’m practically sprinting across the pedestrianised walkway that leads to the office building when I see him. He’s standing just to the side of the main entrance, wearing a dark blue pinstripe suit I helped him pick six months before he left me high and dry in that fucking wedding venue. My jaw clenches as my steps falter. I don’t have time for him and I don’t owe him my time either but to get into the building I have to walk past Richard, and from the way he pushes off the wall and starts towards me I don’t think I’m getting through the doors without talking to him.

  Great.

  “I’m late,” I mutter as I try to round my ex.

  He doesn’t stop me from moving past him physically, but he does step into my path which brings me up short. I tug my bag up my shoulder and glare at him.

  “Do you mind?”

  “We need to talk, Sades.”

  The urge to laugh is overwhelming. “I think that time has long passed.”

  And it has. Maybe in the aftermath of him breaking off the wedding I could have brought myself to have a conversation with him—maybe. I could have perhaps kept from wrapping my hands around his neck long enough to hear his side of it.

  But now, this long after the fact? No. I don’t care what he has to say. There’s nothing he can say.

  “I’m going to be late,” I mutter and try to step past him. He grabs my arm, stopping me and I round, hissing at him, “Take your fucking hands off me!”

  He releases me instantly and holds up his hands. “Sorry. I just… I need to talk to you. Please, hear me out.”

  I’m certain I’m shooting fire out of my eyes. “What could you possibly have to say to me?”

  He lets out a breath and brushes his hair out of his face. It’s a gesture I used to find attractive. Now, it’s a gesture that annoys me.

  “I know I hurt you—”

  I snort.

  “—but you have to know that wasn’t my intention.” He continues as if I didn’t make a sound.

  “Okay, great, now can I get to work?”

  “Are you dating that Neanderthal who accosted me at the gala?”

  I roll my eyes. “You accosted me, Richard.”

  “Hardly. I’m not sure that man is the right fit for you.”

  “And you are?”

  “Sades—”

  “Don’t ‘Sades’ me. You lost the right to call me that.”

  He clucks his tongue, his patience clearly starting to fray.

  “Look, darling, I’m only here out of respect for you.” I scoff at that. “I didn’t want you to hear about it second hand.”

  “I don’t care about anything you have to tell me.”

  I start to walk towards the building. “I’m getting married.”

  It feels like a hammer hits my chest and I stumble before coming to a stop. My back to him, I try to collect myself and work through my turmoiling emotions. I shouldn’t care. I don’t… right?

  I turn back to him, steeling myself. “I have no idea why you’re telling me this.”

  “I didn’t want you to find out from someone else—”

  “You’re making an awful lot of assumptions about the fact I give a crap about your love life. I don’t.”

  “Sadie—”

  “No, Richard,” I hiss. “You don’t get to come to my place of work, ambush me, and tell me you’re getting married. I honestly could not give two shits if you’re getting married. You’re not even an afterthought in my day. I don’t sit home all day pining about you. Christ, are you really that arrogant? Besides, you’re not the only one who has moved on.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “It means I’ve moved on. Which is precisely what you should do.”

  “I have—”

  “Coming to tell your ex that you’re getting married does not sound like someone who has moved on!”

  And it doesn’t. Is he here with malicious intent? I don’t know. The Richard I used to know wouldn’t do something cruel, at least I didn’t think so, but then I never really knew him at all. If I had, I would have known he was having a serious case of cold feet. But this… it makes no sense. I have no idea what he has to gain by being here, telling me this—other than to prove a point that he’s moved on. But since he was the one who ended it, I don’t understand why he’s here.

  “I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”

  That is so not why he’s here. He doesn’t give a shit about hurting my feelings—he certainly didn’t when he ended our relationship less than ten minutes before we were set to take our vows.

  “Well, thank you for that consideration. It’s more than you gave me when we were together, but it’s completely irrelevant because truthfully, I could not care less if you’re marrying your entire office. You’re absolutely none of my business.”

  “Sades… I know you don’t believe me but I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you and I know I handled it badly but I didn’t want to give you those vows if I wasn’t a hundred percent.”

  I draw my lips together and give him a tight smile. “Well, thank you for that. I really appreciated it because you saved me from months of misery. Now, if that’s all you wanted to tell me then I need to get into work. I’m already late.”
/>   He looks like he wants to say more but he just tucks his hands into his pockets. “That’s it.”

  “Right,” I mutter. “Bye, Richard.”

  I turn on my heel and stride into the building, studiously ignoring everyone in the foyer as I head for the lifts. I stab at the call button and get into the lift when it arrives. The ride up to my floor takes an age, even though it’s only a matter of minutes. I watch the numbers above the doors climb, itching to get out of the metal box that suddenly feels small and like it’s closing in on me. I tap my fingertips against my lips as heat swamps my body, and it’s not a pleasant heat. I feel like I’m boiling from the inside out. I can’t do this. I can’t get myself into this situation again. Why I thought I could, I have no idea. Richard… destroyed me. For months after I was a wreck. How can I let Callum have even a fraction of that power over me? How can I let another man in to hurt me again? I can’t.

  And really, this thing with Callum… where the hell is it going? He lives miles from me. On an island. Our lives are not even remotely compatible. He’s never going to move to London; the guy was overwhelmed by the city the entire visit. And I can’t live on an island with a population smaller than the payroll of Greenwood’s. It’s batshit to think this can work. It can’t. We’re flogging a dead horse here. No, I need to stop this and I need to stop it now, before one of us really does get hurt—before I get hurt. As much as I like Callum, I can’t have him and I can’t go there. Because as much as I want to believe I can have a good relationship again it’s just not possible. I can’t let my guard down.

  And it’s not just me; Callum is just as damaged by his own past. We’re a beautiful disaster just waiting to implode and I’m tired of being damaged by love.

  But can I really give him up? Can I really be that selfless and walk away?

  I’m not sure.

  47

  Callum

  My instincts are right; I’m certain Sadie is cooling off and I have no clue why. Maybe I scared her by talking about moving but it had to be discussed at some point.

  On the surface everything seems okay; we keep texting and we speak on the phone but she’s not acting the way she should be and when I try to arrange for us to meet up the next weekend she blows me off—a huge red flag that something is wrong.

  I don’t know how to fix this from the island either and it’s far too easy for her to ignore my communication with the distance. My mind is in overdrive as I try to get to grips with what’s happening. I can’t. I don’t want to lose her and I don’t know how to stop her pulling away.

  In the evening once I get back from fishing, I call her. I expect her to ignore my call but she doesn’t. She doesn’t sound overly thrilled to hear from me though; another red flag.

  “Hey, how was your day?”

  “Busy,” is her reply. Fuck.

  I’m about to ask her what the hell is going on when she speaks again, “I’m sorry, Callum. I can’t do this anymore.”

  My heart sinks. “Okay. Why?”

  “The distance. It’s never going to work.”

  “Sweetheart, I already told you if you want to stay in London we’ll live there.”

  She goes silent. “I’m not going to demand you uproot your entire life to fit into mine. It wouldn’t be fair. And I don’t know that I can move from my family.”

  “So, what are you saying?”

  There’s a long pause. “I don’t see this going anywhere.”

  Pain lances through my chest. “Sade—”

  “I just… I’m not going to ask you to change everything about you and I don’t think I can live on that island either. That leaves us nowhere.”

  “Can we talk about this in person?”

  “What would be the point, Cal?”

  “Look, don’t say this is done. Not yet. Take a few days, a week—whatever you need. Think it over. After that, if you want to end things I’ll walk away.”

  There’s silence then she sighs. “I’ll take the time because I respect you and I owe you that but I don’t see it changing. We just have too big an obstacle in our way.”

  I let out a relieved sigh. She’s not giving up, but I have no clue how to keep hold of her either. And the truth is no matter how much I want this if she doesn’t, I can’t make her want it.

  I barely sleep that night and the next morning I’m clinging by my fingertips onto my sanity as I help the boys get the boat loaded up ready for a day out at sea. Today is a big day: cod season is about to start and if we’re lucky we’ll find a big school and bring back a big haul. Frankly, I’m not sure I give a fuck about the fish or the money, but I know the others need this win so I put my game face on and try to keep my focus.

  The weather is terrible today. There’s a heavy crosswind that is making the sea choppy and by the time we’re a couple of hundred miles from shore I’m starting to think it was a bad idea coming out here today. The weather forecast never mentioned jack shit about a storm front, but we’re definitely in one. Sometimes the weather can change on a penny and that’s what seems to have happened here. I’m nervous about how bad it is, especially considering my guys on the deck are getting hammered by the wind, waves and rain.

  I make a decision to turn around and head for shore. I’m not willing to risk our lives for a pay-out. I know the lads will be annoyed but I don’t care. I’m the captain; this is my call.

  Another wave crashes over the bow of the Scarlet Rose and her entire front end disappears into the murkiness of the water. The momentum throws me forward onto the control panel and I have to grab on to keep my footing.

  Jesus, this storm is picking up. We need to sail out of it and head back towards the coastline and the calmer waters. This whole run has been one disaster after another. I can’t wait to get my feet back on dry land.

  I can’t wait to get home.

  Her face drifts into my mind for a moment and my chest aches. We need to talk, to sort things out and I just hope she’s going to let me talk to her. I don’t like how we left things.

  My thoughts are cut short. I’m thrown across the cabin as the boat suddenly lurches to one side. My body slams into one of the panels and fire goes through my ribs and pain explodes through my head.

  “Cal!” Hands are on me suddenly, steadying me, trying to help me. Alex’s worried face swims into my blurred vision as I try to focus. He’s soaked to the skin, his raincoat dripping, his hair too. “Can you stand?”

  I swallow painfully and nod, even though I don’t think I can. “Where’s Mace? Tanner?” My voice sounds ravaged.

  “They’re on deck still,” he tells me as he drags me to my feet.

  I can’t stop the groan that escapes my mouth. Jesus, that hurt.

  Alex reaches behind him and grabs a pile of paper towels which he presses against my head. “Hold this.”

  “The boat—”

  “Will be fine. Let’s just stop you bleeding first.”

  The boat won’t be fine. We’re being pounded by the waves which is dangerous as hell. God knows how far off course we are now and fuck knows how long we’ve been drifting for. The thought of drifting in open water makes my stomach fill with ice. There are so many risks, so many dangers with losing control of a boat, and out here, this far out, help is going to be too far away to do anything.

  “We need to get them off the deck,” I tell him, pushing past him. Mentally, I try to remember where we were the last time I looked at the navigation system, but thinking makes my head pound harder, so I stop.

  Anything not tied down is rolling around the floor as the boat rocks on the waves. I ignore the way it makes my stomach roil as I make a beeline for my crew. I have good sea legs, but even I’m not immune to this amount of movement.

  Mace and Tanner are trying in vain to secure the lines.

  “This storm is picking up,” Mace yells over the wind. “We’ve got to get out of it.”

  I open my mouth to agree when a wave rolls over the boat. I can’t draw in air as I get a face ful
l of water. My feet go from under me and my legs and side are battered as I hit the stuff on the deck.

  Then I’m in the water.

  And not the water on deck. I’m in the fucking ocean.

  It happens so fast I barely have time to register what is going on. The first inkling I have that I’m in trouble is when I’m fully submerged—fully submerged in the North Atlantic.

  The cold hits me like a blast, and I gasp. This is a bad idea because I swallow a lungful of salt water as I’m pulled down by the swirling waves. I feel as if I have a ten-ton weight attached to my feet as I’m battered by the water.

  I need to break the surface. I need to get air into my lungs.

  My chest burns as I try to kick my feet to swim to the surface, but the water is like treacle and my body isn’t responding as I want.

  I’m going to die…

  I don’t want to die.

  I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to leave her feeling the same pain I had after Mara died.

  I can’t.

  I need to survive, but everything hurts and it’s so dark under the water. I try to kick my legs but I don’t know if I’m moving or not. My body feels detached and everything is fuzzy. My vision, which had been darkening, fades out completely.

  48

  Sadie

  “Are you completely insane or just plain old stupid?”

  I blink at the ferocity of my sister’s words. Lilliana can be passionate, but this is a whole other level of craziness. She looks like she might reach over the table and smack me in the head.

  “I’m neither. As far as I know.”

  “You must be both to give up on that man. Callum… Christ, honey, they don’t make guys like him every day of the week.”

  “Okay, but didn’t you hear the part where one of us would have to give up our lives to be with each other?”

  I clutch my gin glass tighter, feeling a little light headed, and not from the booze. Neither my sister nor Emily seem to be as supportive as I thought they would be about my decision to end my relationship with Callum. In fact, Lilliana has been yelling at me for the past five minutes straight, while Emily has yet to say anything. This worries me, especially considering Lil has yelled loud enough that most of the patrons of the bar we’re sitting in must have heard every word coming out of her mouth in stereo.