The Reluctant Medium

by GG Anderson

  “No, you don’t understand, it isn’t that I don’t want to, it is that I literally can’t.”

  His face screwed up, and his green eyes frosted over. “Please?”

  I sighed, “I would Tyler, if I could. It’s gone. I can’t do it anymore. When I fell. It – it’s gone.”

  Tyler’s expression tightened. “Just like that?” His lips thinned and for the first time his face looked ugly. “Right. Sure, well thanks for nothing. It isn’t like my family's land matters to you.”

  He pivoted on his heal and walked away before I could stop him.

  “Tyler, wait. Please?” I yelled, but he just held his hand up in dismissal.

  My feet remained glued to the sidewalk. I touched my cheek as I felt wetness almost reach my chin. Damn eyes. Why was it I had to cry every time something happened? My emotions were like a poorly behaved toddler.

  I slammed the door to my dorm when I finally reached it. My room mates were all still at practices, or meetings, or workouts. Sports definitely kept them busy. I flopped on my bed, annoyed at the tone in Tyler’s voice. Like I just decided not to help him? Didn’t he realize I would help if I could? I wasn’t that terrible of a person. How could he not know that?

  The answer came quietly from the corner of my mind. How could he? It wasn’t like I had shared anything with him. It wasn’t like we’d spent hours talking about me or allowing him to get to know me. Just like everyone else in my life, I’d kept him at arm’s length. How could they possibly know me if I never gave them the chance? How could I be pissed about him assuming I was playing, assuming I was a liar if he never had the chance to really get to know me. The real me, the inside deeper me that wasn’t always easy to get to know. I shook my head and kicked the upper bunk. Why was everything always my fault?

  Because after more reflection, which wow was I getting sick of that, it was truly my fault. If I never let anyone in, if I assume no one really wants to get to know me, if I allow myself to be in conversations, but not contribute because I don’t think I have anything to contribute, then who else can I blame for being misunderstood? How could they possibly understand me?

  Even Leah had tried to get to know me, and although I had told her some things, I had kept the biggest secret about me to myself. I hadn’t allowed her to even know the real me and had gotten annoyed when she tried to get to know more about me.

  Uggghh! Growth sucked.

  Whose idea was it to be stronger and better? What a stupid new year’s resolution. I gathered my things and headed to the shower. I returned to the room to find Crystel and her girlfriend had just started a movie.

  “Hey, Savanah, did you wanna watch with us?”

  I shook my head politely, “no, still not supposed to be watching movies.” I pointed to my head.

  “When is your next checkup?” Crystel asked, pulling the popcorn out of the microwave.

  “I have an appointment in four days.” I grabbed some clothes and a few other things and headed back out to the bathroom. I hadn’t expected anyone to be in the room. It kinda messed up my plan of continuing to pout and be pathetic.

  I changed, got myself fairly presentable, and stomped out of the bathroom. Shoving my earbuds in my ears, I headed back to the room.

  I tossed my stuff on my bed, smiling at them as I grabbed my coat and a large print book. It felt so strange to read large print, since my eyes were perfectly fine. However, I had been told that large print was easier on the brain, and therefore was what I could start to read slowly. For only short periods of time.

  I walked into the library and headed to the third floor. My usual spot was filled with a study group, so I kept going, finding that this was apparently study group night. Every nook and cranny seemed to be filled with people.

  I gave up, heading out the doors. There had to be someplace. I saw the auditorium appeared dark, so I headed towards it, pulling my coat tight around my neck. The icy wind poked at my throat, trying to pry open the layers of my protective warmth.

  I reached the doors and shivered as I walked in. The wall of windows behind me did little to keep the cold out as the drafty marble hall echoed each of my footfalls. I walked down the stairs and stopped short. The sofa was occupied by Tyler. He had headphones on, and didn’t seem to have noticed me, so I crept back up the stairs. The small breakout room stood open, and I slipped in. If I took the table closest to the door, I may be able to sit there and not be noticed when Tyler left.

  Cracking my book open, I soon was immersed in work. Large print didn’t mean less work, just meant more pages. Time slipped through my fingers like sand, and I had no idea how long I sat there. Finally, my bladder demanded I set aside the reading. Part of me had missed being able to just sit and read, that it didn’t matter if it was simply required for a class.

  I shuffled out of the bathroom and listened to see if I could hear Tyler downstairs still. I strained as I heard some type of techno music from the 90’s. The song was familiar, with a deep sexual message. I tiptoed down the first few steps. The door at the foot of the stairs had a window which now was glowing with flashing neon lights, pulsing to the beat of the music. What exactly was happening? This room had always been empty as far as I knew. I never heard of anyone having a class in Jewett, let alone an office.

  As I crept, the music seemed to grow in volume, beats I could feel in my feet. My head began to swim, and I realized the bass combined with the reading was too much. Retreating up the stairs, I gathered my books and headed back to my room.

  My days felt very lonely with Camryn gone. Not that I didn’t have other casual friends, but with my continued recovery, it kept me isolated. With all the extra hours at the tutoring center, getting help with papers, tests, quizzes, and everything in between, it felt like I was doing every class, every assignment twice. Work study had started picking up as well. January tended to be a popular time for high school seniors to start really making choices about where they planned to go for college. Tours were chilly this time of year but consistent. Yes, J term was short, but in some ways, it felt more grueling than a regular semester.

  My checkup went well, and I had less restrictions. Easing back into my normal life was what they suggested.

  Oh, if they only knew.

  I continued to walk by Blachley, although the emptiness I felt made me sad. I wondered if she stood screaming at me as I walked blissfully ignorant and mute next to her. The stairs in the dorm echoes with only my footsteps. Everything was exactly the same and completely different, so how was I going to ease back into my normal life?

  I had to re-create my normal, and it just felt foreign.

  Tyler passed me on the sidewalk from time to time, and his gaze never held mine for any length of time. His green in his eyes looked faded, tired, and his face didn’t hold the joy it once had. I wondered if they had found the missing deed yet.

  “Hey Savanah?” I turned to see a lacrosse player walking towards me after class. I honestly had met him a few times but couldn’t remember his name.

  “Hi.” I smiled, waiting for him to get closer, digging through piles of names and memories in my head, trying unsuccessfully to find his name.

  His brown hair tousled on his head, setting of his completely symmetrical face. “Hey, I just wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee sometime?”

  Holy crap, he was asking me out? Ok, act natural. I smiled trying to hold my expression still. “Coffee?”

  I needed more information, not that I really wanted to go on a date, but I still felt he deserved an actual conversation here.

  He pushed his phone in his pocket, “Yeah, I just think it would be cool, you know.”

  “Coffee.” I couldn’t think of another word. Partially because I didn’t know what I should be saying right now. It was so strange that he was asking in the first place.

  “Well, you know, it isn’t a big deal, I just thought since you were always drinking coffee you may want to try the new place downtown.” He rocked back on his heals. Exactly
like Tyler used to.

  “Um, coffee.” Wow my intellect was really showing about now.

  “Say Thursday?” His eyes were casual, like he did this all the time.

  “Coffee.” I said, allowing my voice to go up a bit at the end. What was wrong with going to coffee? Didn’t I just think I was bored and lonely?

  “Perfect, meet in the back-parking lot about eight? I have a team meeting, but I will be done by then.”

  “Cool, coffee.” I let the word fall and smiled.

  “Cool, see ya then.” He walked away, zipping up his lacrosse jacket as he reached the door.

  “Coffee.” I said to myself quietly. Yes, coffee sounded good, sounded normal. I headed to lunch, not really focusing on anything.

  I dropped my bag at a table, still wrapping my brain around the thought that I was having coffee with a guy. And I had no idea what his name was. I was sure this was an old sitcom episode.

  I started loading my salad plate. “Hey Savanah.” This was another random guy I hadn’t met before.

  “Hey-you.” I looked at him with my brown eyes narrowed suspiciously. I moved, thinking he was trying to reach something I was in the way of. He just filled the space and looked at me square in the face. “So, I was thinking, if you aren’t doing anything Friday night, did you wanna go to the game with me?”

  My head tilted. What in the actual parallel universe had I landed in?

  “Um, I can’t I am still not released from my concussion.” Besides, I have no idea who you even are. But that felt a bit bitchy.

  “Oh, ok. Well if you change your mind, come say hi.” He turned away. I stood there, wondering how he even knew who I was.

  I walked back toward my table.

  “Hey Savanah.” At least this voice I recognized. Crystel stood with a smirk on her face. “Why don’t you sit with us, I think it would be safer.”

  I nodded and followed her to one of the large round tables. I retrieved my bag and sat down with my salad. She grinned next to me. “So,” she took a fry and dipped it in sauce, “How’s it goin?” she popped it in her mouth.

  “I – I, I really don’t have any idea.”

  Crystel laughed again. “Busy day?”

  I eyed her suspiciously now. “Yes, and what do you know about my day?”

  She laughed taking another bite, “Well it seems you are back on the market and you have a line of people waiting to take their turn.”

  My fork fell and my voice rose a bit, “What? Back on the market? What am I, a house?”

  She swallowed. “I knew it didn’t go the way I heard.”

  I exhaled slowly. “What are you talking about?”

  “Well, according to Terry in botany class, Tyler told Will at team lift that you guys were no longer a thing. Apparently, lacrosse lifts at the same times that baseball does and so then Moe asked if that meant anyone could ask you out, and Tyler just got all moody and said that he didn’t really care what Moe did, that ‘he was done with you.’ That got Henry’s attention. He asked if that meant you were good for it. Tyler got pissed at that, which made Aziz ask if it was over, why did Tyler get so bent out of shape? I guess Tyler took a swing at him for that. Which then pulled Darius into it of course, and the weight coach had to come out of his office. It was a huge, big thing according to Terry.” She took a bite of her burger.

  My face was stuck completely open, trying to figure out who these people she was talking about were, and how I was part of any conversation in any weight room or hallway for that matter.

  Crystel shrugged, “So I guess that explains it, you and Tyler aren’t really over.”

  My face squished into a completely lost expression, “What? When were Tyler and I an actual thing to begin with? We have never even been on a real date. How is it I am back on the market, when I didn’t know I had ever been off? Furthermore, how is it all these guys even know who I am? It isn’t like I have met any of them. And what do they care if Tyler and I are or are not, which by the way we are not, dating? And who are they to be asking him if that means they can ask me out? I don’t even know them!” My voice had raised a bit, and I looked around when I realized people had stopped talking to listen to my ranting.

  Crystel just smiled across the table at me. “Yeah, that’s kinda what I thought you’d say.”

  I pushed my chair back, “I need to get a drink.” I walked back to the buffet line, filling a glass with my favorite infused water. I turned and sloshed it down the front of me, as I ran directly into someone.

  “Shit.” I cursed.

  “I am so sorry.” Tyler’s voice cut short realizing who he’d ran into.

  “You know what, it’s fine.” I turned back toward the tables. I had been so hungry for lunch and now I just wanted to escape. I sat down at the table with my half empty glass, taking a pitiful sip.

  Crystel laughed out loud. “You ok?”

  “Yes. It’ll dry.” Tyler walked into the dining area, scanning the tables for me. His eyes locked on mine and I hunched my shoulders away from him. Tucking my head towards Crystel. “I just can’t really deal with him right now. If I talk to him, I am going to rip his face off.”

  Crystel put a chicken strip on my salad plate. “Eat something, you need your strength.”

  I picked it up and took a bite, “Why? What else do you know?”

  She shrugged, “Well, based on my anatomy classes, ripping the face from the skull will take much more strength than you’d think.”

  I smiled and chewed. “You know, I am up for the challenge today.” We both laughed and my mood lightened.

  “You headed back to the room?”

  “Yeah, I picked up another shift today, but not until three.”

  “Cool, I’ll walk with you.” She pushed what food was left around her plate, stalling for me to finish my salad and lonely chicken strip.

  We headed out into the cold afternoon. “Thank you.” I said, when we had cleared the doors and were walking alone.

  “For what?”

  “I just appreciate you being so nice to me.” It sounded weak leaving my lips.

  She wrinkled her brows, “Seriously, why do you think it is a big deal if people are nice to you? You’re cool. Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

  What an odd response.

  “Yeah, thanks Crys, but I am not cool.”

  She shoved my shoulder, “Sure you are. You are no drama, you are not a drunk, you study, and are nice to everyone. How is that not cool?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, “I get concussions walking on even sidewalks.”

  She eyed me sideways, “Whatever. Accidents happen.”

  “Well, I just really appreciate you being here today. It has been such a wild one.”

  “So, besides the awkward ask out at lunch, what else has happened?”

  I swallowed, “Well, I have coffee with some guy on Thursday, but I don’t know his name. I know I met him before, but honestly, I just can’t remember what he called himself.”

  She laughed, “Brown hair? Lacrosse player?”

  “Yeah, how did you know?”

  “I told you, Terry told me all about it.”

  “Ok, but who is Terry? I don’t even know him.”

  She laughed, “Yeah you do. He is friends with Camryn too. You would recognize him if you saw him.”

  “Ok, so is that who I am having coffee with?”

  She shook her head as she keyed us in the front door. “No, you dork. You’re having coffee with Moe.”

  Moe? Who names their kid Moe? “Do his parents not like him or something?”

  She laughed. “Moe is a nickname. His last name is Moellering. Everyone calls him Moe.”

  “So, does he have a first name?”

  She cocked her head. “I’m sure he does.”

  I dropped my chin, “And it would be…”

  “No idea.” A smile slipped across her face. She shrugged her shoulders as she unlocked the door, “See? Now you have something to talk about at coffee.” />
  I reached my bed and threw my pillow at her.

  Chapter Twelve

  I waited to walk towards the parking lot behind the auditorium. I was early, but I couldn’t sit around anymore. Apparently, Moe was early too, and sat waiting for me. His smile reached me before I saw him. “You showed!’ He yelled.

  I affixed the smile on my face as I approached him. “Yeah, I said I would.”

  He walked around the to the driver’s side of the giant tall truck and jumped in. I followed, thankful my legs were not short, or this would have been incredibly embarrassing. The heavy door slammed, and I grinned meekly at him.

  “Ready?” He asked as he started the engine.

  I just nodded, not sure what to say. Words seems to be new thing for me, but thankfully Moe filled in the space.

  The drive was rather quick, but the entire time he prattled on about his years growing up, playing sports, his family. I think he mentioned a brother or two, but as the engine cut off and he pulled into the parking space, I realized, I had heard very little.

  I opened the door and we walked towards the coffee house. Standing in line, he stepped a bit closer than I was open to. I drifted over to browse the merchandise that was offered for sale. My fingers inspected everything from pencils to socks but again, didn’t really note anything. I looked over and we were next in line.

  Ordering quickly, I followed him to a table way in the back corner. It felt too private, but we were already committed.

  “Ok, so spill. I have told you all about my life, it’s your turn now.”

  My face fell ashen. “Yeah, there isn’t much to tell.” I heard our order called ready, and I shot up from my seat. Why hadn’t I prepped for this? Of course, there would be talk and conversation, that was the point of a date, right?

  Walking back, I set the cups down, deciding it would be best to focus on this evening and honestly, get through it. “About me.” I offered as I scooted the chair back in. “I am from a tiny town in southern Idaho that no one has ever heard of, I went to a high school that had to be two towns together to have enough to actually make a full school. I toured the college when I was a freshman when we came here for History Day finals and really liked the campus. I decided this is where I would come to college. That’s pretty much it.”