The Reluctant Medium

by GG Anderson

  She continued, “Miss Mills, you must understand that you have so much inside you that these little exercises could never completely close you off from your gifts. Think of these as little vitamins for the soul. Little pieces of thread stitching up the small tears in the fabric of your story. Nothing will change your sight my dear, it is too powerful for even me to truly understand.”

  It was our fourth visit when I finally heard her say something that set my teeth on edge. “I was discussing you with a colleague of mine.”

  My face must have dropped or flooded with terror.

  “Oh, Miss Mills, please know I hold our relationship in the utmost discretion. I wouldn’t dare risk breaking your trust. This colleague isn’t from here, she is far away, but has great perspectives on gifts of all types.”

  I swallowed, trying hard to not feel completely betrayed.

  I’d given her a look into my most private and vulnerable side, and she had talked to another teacher about me? I almost hyperventilated, I took a deep, slow breath, keeping everything in check.

  Her hand on mine broke my spiral.

  “Miss Mills, I promise as a professional and your confidant, I understand your concern, but this colleague I would trust with my life.” Her eyes bore into mine and I couldn’t help but believe what she was saying.

  “Are you sure?” I verified, barely allowing the words to not crack with emotion.

  “Savanah,” She never used my first name. “You are very special. I don’t always feel I am talented enough to help you on my own, so it made sense to ask the only other person I knew who could shed some light on the subject. She has been very helpful. For instance, she had some idea on how to help you see without them overtaking you.”

  Now she had my attention, “Overtaking me?”

  “When they won’t leave, they are too intense and won’t give you the space and distance you need. She had some additional exercises we should try.”

  I pondered how useful it would be to block out more of the negative. How nice it would be to not hear him all the time. I looked back up at her and sighed, “What was that?”

  Her eyes softened, as it became clear I was coming around to the idea of her reaching out for assistance. “As you do your chants, try opening up yourself a bit more. This is slightly different than what we have tried before. My friend thinks this will give you more control of your visitors.”

  “How do I do that exactly?”

  “Let’s try this. Ground yourself and close your eyes.” I did as she instructed, “Now, pull back your curtains, ever so slightly.”

  I opened my eyes, fearing I may have lost my ability to understand her.

  She smiled, “I know, but you can do this, just try. Imagine a giant heavy curtain hanging around you. It is solid, unyielding.”

  I closed my eyes again and saw nothing but blackness.

  “Now, you can see through the curtain, but only a little bit.”

  My blackness changed to thick filmy grey. Like a tinted shower curtain.

  “Ever so slightly, pull it back, just a small amount. Now you can see, you can hear, everything around you.”

  I opened my eyes, “So do I keep it open?”

  “See? There is your choice. If you keep it closed, or close it, they will not be as obvious. If you leave it open, you will be more available to them visiting.”

  “But I thought it was just about the emotional rocks and stuff?”

  She laughed with wisdom. I wondered if I would ever be that wise that it rang through my laugh. “Miss Mills, the emotional deposits are to help you cope with everything you are dealing with. It is impossible for you to process everything as heavily burdened as you were. The emotional lines were like an express way into your psychic side. Now that those have slowed down, the trains are not coming much anymore. Think of it as the transition to other forms of transportation that you are more in control of. The trains came and went on those emotional lines on their own schedule. You couldn’t stop or even pause them. Think of the deposits as slowly tearing up the old railway tracks. Not allowing them to be used without express permission. You are protecting your kingdom from trespassers. The curtain is like a drawbridge. It gives you authority over who enters and grants you control. It allows them a new path to come in, but only when you wish.”

  “So, I can turn it off and on now? Is this how we close that door?”

  Her eyes smiled as she pondered. “If we close that door, they won’t come back, and although I thought when you first came to visit me that would be an option, I am not so sure now.” She folded her hands in front of her face, “Savanah, I don’t think you should close the door. I think your gift is too important and too powerful to just turn it off.” She back peddled slightly, “If you really want to close the door, and you really don’t want to be a medium, then yes I can try to help you do that, but Savanah, that is not something that you will be able to open to the degree it is now.”

  “So, if I close that door, it will not open the same. It will be smaller, not as loud, maybe?”

  “Yes, it will not be as loud, but it may not have sound at all.”

  She thought I was considering closing it.

  After all the time I didn’t want this, then losing it and now having it back stronger than ever, the last thing in the world I would want is for it to leave again. It was part of me, and I was part of it. Better or worse, annoying, or awesome, crazy, or creepy, I couldn’t deny it. I was as much a medium as a redhead. There was no changing that.

  I met her gaze with a renewed look of peace. “So, we are working on closing the curtain on the window, so the draft isn’t quite as strong.” The smile on my face pleased her.

  “Yes, that is as good of description as any I suppose.”

  “Dr. Eyebright, I absolutely do not want to close the door if it will then become a wall. I want to keep it open, but a curtain to keep the drafts out would be nice,” I smiled again.

  “So, let’s practice a bit more, shall we?”

  I left her office, expecting a big change to happen instantly.

  Nothing seemed different. Then again, it felt a bit quieter than it should have, which caused me concern. I ignored my fear, reassuring myself that a door was not closed. We were just making sure I was in control of my own space. I looked around the campus. No incoming spirits at the moment, just cold frozen air surrounding me.

  I walked to the room, taking the stairs on purpose to hopefully see The Creeper, to try and have someone I could use my new phrases on, and practice my new curtain trick.

  Still nothing. Hmm, interesting. Maybe I hadn’t opened the curtain enough? Maybe I had deposited too many emotions.

  Still I practiced the exercises that she taught to me. Committed everything to memory, trying to make sure that when things did change, I would be able to remember.

  Two days passed before I saw anyone else that didn’t belong here. It was the girl from the cafeteria. She stood across the room at lunch and waved. Reflexively, I waved back. I lost my appetite instantly thinking she would appear at the table, and at least six other athletes were all eating, completely unknowing. Camryn had just left, I sat at the table, an alien in my own school.

  I gathered my things, and regrettably tossed the rest of my lunch in the trash. I kept my eyes down, thinking she would be talking to me any second. I pushed the doors open, walking into the cold sunny air.

  Nothing.

  I turned around, looking to see if she was close, but she had vanished.

  The day only got stranger. I watched as the hall of the cadaver lab looked like a waiting room, but not one approached me. The library laundry girl definitely was there, but this time she walked around the other tables, mumbling so low I couldn’t make out what she was saying.

  The test, I knew would be the dorm. If stalker guy was there, if he left me alone, I had made a big breakthrough. If he was there, I would finally be able to use my new get-lost techniques.

  My footsteps echoed in the empty s
tairwell. I opened the door to my floor and almost felt disappointed that he also had evaded me. Then again, the last time he had been around it was less than comfortable.

  Still, he felt like the strongest of my visitors besides Elizabeth.

  My mood sank when I realized I hadn’t done anything to help locate her mother. I would have to ask Dr. Eyebright about it when we met in a couple days. I rounded the corner into my hall and froze.

  Standing against my door was Stalker guy.

  “I said, where is she?” His words ricocheted off the cinderblock walls.

  I stood my ground, anchoring, and grounding as quickly as I could. Taking a deep breath and keeping myself calm. “you are not welcome here. You must leave.”

  His image waivered slightly. Interesting – this was new.

  He seemed to falter, but repeated, “Where is she?”

  “I hear you; I see you, and you are not welcome, I forcibly remove you from this space.” My words were not as strong this time, partially because this was the one that required hand motions. I took a few steps forward, focusing on my breathing and remaining grounded. “I command you to leave this space.”

  He looked at me with conviction, his image flickered, and then he was gone.

  I had done it! He left! I could feel it instantly. The energy in the hall shifted. I smiled, walking forward but froze as I saw four people at the end of the hall. Their expressions read they had unmistakably witnessed most of the interaction that had taken place just now.

  Awesome. I walked as casually as I could to my door, trying to avoid the overwhelming wave of intense dread. All the rejection, alienation, and solidarity that I had come to know as my everyday existence before I arrived here rushed back in less than a second.

  I shut the door before I could hear the whispers that had started. I sighed tossing myself onto my bed.

  Well the good news was I wasn’t going to be bothered by stalker boy for a while, the bad news was rumor would start to swirl about the crazy girl in room 231 who yells at empty hallways.

  A knock on the door pulled me out of my self-loathing. I got up slowly, not really wanting to deal with anyone.

  The door opened and I smiled, “Hey.”

  His smile melted all the negative energy. I opened the door wider, not able to wipe the grin off my face.

  “My phone’s dead. Sorry, were you busy?” Tyler sat on my bed and reached for my phone charger. “How do you not have an iPhone?” He dropped my cord and looked for one of the roommate’s chargers. He plugged his phone in, turning back towards me, “So, how’s your day?” He reached for me, and I complied. “I missed you” he said as I sat down next to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled my neck.

  My mind swam with his smell. I loved his scent after practice. The fresh showered smell, with a little bit of his sweat mixed together. My stomach filled with butterflies and I sighed as his lips trailed down my collarbone.

  His throaty chuckles against my skin made goose bumps stand up on my arms. “Did you miss me?”

  “Yes,” I breathed, pulling his face to my lips. I couldn’t be farther away from him. I had to feel his skin, taste his breath, feel his muscular arms tightly holding me. I pulled my shirt over my head, grabbing his, irritated when it hung up on his shoulder.

  His smooth skin was intoxicating. I couldn’t touch enough of it. I straddled him with my hand tightly in his hair, while the other almost clawed at his back.

  We hadn’t let things get this out of hand since the one time. We kept our senses about us, controlling the hunger that seemed to build in our souls. For me, he was the only thing that would sate it.

  He lifted me and placed me below him, never letting go. “Savanah, you are so beautiful.” The words made him pause, realizing it was the phrase that had sent me crying the last time. I smiled at him, reclaiming his lips.

  “Thank you,” I breathed into his ear.

  “Never let anyone make you feel anything but beautiful,” he had slowed the fast track we were headed down, making sure I truly was ok. “I mean it Savanah, you are beautiful. Inside and out,” his fingers touched my hair, and I looked down, to keep the tears from creeping out.

  “I don’t deserve you,” I whispered almost to myself.

  His finger lifted my chin gently, “It is me who doesn’t deserve. I’ve been an ass for years, and I promise I haven’t earned you. Not by half.”

  This caught my attention, “You were an ass?”

  He laughed, lifting himself slightly off me, still not letting go completely. “Oh, my hell, I was such a dick in high school.” He shook his head, “Seriously, I’m glad you don’t know anyone from my hometown.” He smiled, allowing his dimples to compliment his guilty expression, “I treated girls like crap. I was a complete player. I cheated, used, you name it, I probably did it.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “It’s true. You want some references? They’ll tell ya, I don’t deserve a nice girl. Let alone a smoking hot one.” His hands trailed along my shoulders, grazing my arms, teasing my stomach with his gentle touches. “So, yeah I guess you’re right, you don’t deserve me”, He looked down, tracing figure eights with his finger around my belly button. “you deserve someone much better.”

  I grabbed his chin to tip his face up to mine, “You don’t see yourself the way I see you. I think the crazy girl who sees dead people hit the jackpot.” I kissed his lips, but my mind started to spin. Trying to imagine him as a dog in high school. As “that” guy, who used girls… My lips slowed as a thought formed. “Tyler, how many girls have you slept with?”

  He froze, shifting away from me, “Um, ok we’re going to go there?”

  I adjusted a bit, and he pulled a blanket to cover me up a little. I waited, not going to let this drop.

  He sighed, running his hand through his hair, “Savanah, I was an ass, can we just leave it at that?”

  “Ballpark it for me. Just a guess.”

  His eyes rolled and his shook his head slightly, “Why does it matter? I’m not that person anymore.”

  “More than five? Less than ten?”

  His expression slightly tightened, and he looked away.

  Wow, more than ten. I took a quick breath, trying to hide my surprise.

  “More than twenty?” I felt my pulse quicken at the question.

  “Savanah, it doesn’t matter. Seriously.”

  Holy crap.

  He grabbed his shirt pulling it on, obviously uncomfortable with this conversation. “I’m not talking about this.”

  I shrugged, “Ok, but just so you know. My list is a bit shorter. It would be zero.” I grabbed my shirt, pulling it on, mad at myself for killing the mood, and derailing this whole vibe we were on.

  “Well, I kind of figured that.” He grabbed my arm lightly, “please don’t push this. I don’t want to talk about who I used to be. I don’t want you to know that person. He wasn’t great.”

  “You know everything about me. You know about all of the crazy voices, the erratic fainting, heck you don’t bat an eye if I’m yelling at a stalker in the hall.”

  “Wait, what stalker?” his energy shifted into defensive mode. “Someone’s bothering you?”

  I blushed a little, “Yeah, but I’m the only one who can see him. So that’s fun.”

  His fingers trailed down the side of my face. “This is the weird dorm guy? He’s back?”

  “Yeah, but I was able to make him go away. I used the phrases that Dr. Eyebright told me to use, and it totally worked.” My face fell, “But there were some girls who saw the whole thing, so likely it will be going around that your girlfriend’s crazy. Sorry.”

  He wrapped his arm around me, “I already knew that.” He pulled me into his chest. “I like you crazy.” His lips kissed my hair. “Hey, I got a thing tonight. Some of the guys are headed to bowling. Did you want to come?”

  My face crinkled, “Bowling? No, I think I’m good.”

  “You sure?” His tone soun
ded like he really wanted me to come, but Elizabeth lingered in the back of my head.

  “No, I’m going to spend some quality time in the library. Research.”

  His fingers trailed down my arms, moving to my stomach, and up the side of my body. “If you are sure.” He let his fingers travel up to my hair, turning my head towards him. “I mean if you’re really sure.” His lips claimed mine, and his grip on my hair tightened.

  I exhaled with a little sigh. I pulled back slightly, and breathed, “Yeah, I’m sure.” It took such willpower to pull back. I didn’t want to leave his lips, his hands. I sighed a bit wistfully. “I am totally sure.” I said out loud to make my commitment feel more solid.

  He kissed me one more time, but this one was different. His lips were gentle and light on mine. Like wings, they barely fluttered on my skin. They reached my ear, “You deserve better.”

  He pulled back slowly; a thoughtful expression crossed his face, “I’ll text you later, just to check in.”

  “You don’t have to, just have fun. Go be a guy,” I laughed thinking that being a guy meant bowling.

  He stood up, crossing to get his phone from the other desk. Unplugging it, he smiled, “I’ll text you later.” He held his phone up. He leaned down and kissed me lightly. “Stay away from invisible stalkers. You have a boyfriend for hell’s sake,” he winked at me, and I blushed. My door shut and I flopped back on my bed. Why was it he affected me like that? It should have been illegal.

  The library had emptied. Most of the die-hard students were holed up in corners, frantically working on projects, but the majority of population had given up, and dispersed to other areas of campus and beyond. I chose a small table tucked in the far side of the most populated areas. I pulled open my computer, typing in Blachley Hall in the search engine.

  Nothing of substance.

  I tried different angles, but seriously came up with nothing.

  Finally, I tried searching for “The College of Idaho girl dies,” just to see if some historic papers would have something.