I See You

by Molly McAdams

  “Oh God!” I hissed when he grabbed my hair and arched me back. My body trembled violently as he pushed inside me, and my mouth popped open with a soundless moan when I shattered against him.

  This was too much. I was arched so far back that I wasn’t even touching the wall anymore. My head was resting on his shoulder, and he was moving so perfectly inside me that one orgasm faded into another. The arm holding me up tightened around me for a split second before both hands released me, and I just barely caught myself against the wall as his pace quickened until his ragged breaths and movements stopped when he came with a low curse.

  He leaned over so his body was resting above me, and his chest moved roughly against mine for those few seconds before he placed soft kisses on my back and moved off the bed.

  A husky laugh came from him when I shakily fell to the mattress, but I didn’t try to comment on it. My body was still trembling, I was still out of breath, and even though all I wanted to do was fall asleep . . . I wanted all of it all over again.

  This overwhelming, body-numbing experience . . . I wanted it again and again. As long as it was with him.

  I rolled to my side and smiled against his kiss when he climbed back onto the bed, and easily curled against his body when he lay down and pulled me close.

  “What, you’re not going to give me a chance to leave?” I teased.

  His dark eyes were smiling, and his fingers were gently pulling through my long hair. The tenderness after the rough pleasure just before made me smile and stupidly crave more time with him. Time that stretched into days and weeks and months—time we couldn’t have.

  With a shake of his head, he said, “You decided to stay; there’s no way I’m letting you leave until tonight’s over.”

  “And when this night is over . . .” I trailed off and met his knowing stare. “What can I remember you by?”

  One dark eyebrow rose, and as his hand completed another pass down my back, he pressed our lower bodies closer together in a silent answer.

  I held back a smile as goose bumps covered my skin. There was no question that I would never forget the incredible heights of pleasure this man had already brought me to, but that wasn’t what I had meant, and from the way he seemed to be contemplating something, he was fully aware of the fact.

  “Just tonight.” His tone held a hint of uncertainty for the first time since we’d entered the room, making his words sound like a question.

  I nodded slowly. “Just tonight.”

  He let out a long breath and his eyes drifted to the side. “Jay.” After a moment’s hesitation, those dark pools of obsidian found me again. “Just remember me as Jay.” His hand moved slowly up my body until it was cupping my cheek. He leaned close, but stopped just a breath from my lips. “And you?”

  “Aurora.”

  22

  Present Day

  Aurora

  “You need anything?”

  I turned around and glanced up, bringing myself back into my classroom, and focused on the other kindergarten teacher, who was popping her head into my doorway. “What? No. No, I’m gonna be heading out of here in just a minute.”

  She cocked her head to the side and squinted her eyes at me. “You sure? You look a little . . . overwhelmed.”

  I let out a soft laugh that hinted at some of the stress I’d had resting on my shoulders over the last month or so. My head shook slowly as the words begged to be released to this woman I barely knew. To vent to someone who had no emotional connection to anyone involved in what was happening in my life.

  The principal of the school had been aware of the situation with Declan in case anything happened once the school year began, but I hadn’t felt it was necessary to tell anyone else. And since we’d started getting our classrooms ready after Declan’s accident, and my mind had been on dozens of other things, I hadn’t made the time to get to know the other teachers much.

  I sent her what I hoped was a reassuring smile and said, “I’m fine, must have just zoned out for a second there.”

  “Kids can be exhausting, but it gets easier.” She smiled warmly and stepped away. “See you on Monday!”

  “Bye,” I called out a second too late, and looked slowly around my classroom. What I had been counting down the days until, what I had once been so excited for, now felt like nothing more than a place where I was hiding from all of my problems.

  In the five days since Declan had woken up, there hadn’t been time for anything more than working and worrying. When I had been able to get over to the hospital, either there had been a nurse or therapist in the room working with Declan, he’d been sleeping, or visiting hours had ended. The nurses hadn’t cared to enforce visiting hours while Declan was in a coma but had decided they needed to now that he’d pulled through.

  For the first time since Declan’s accident, I had gone more than two days without seeing or hearing from Linda, not that I was about to complain. But I also hardly saw Jentry.

  Jentry had decided to continue to work for Kurt until he went through the academy, and with our new schedules, we only saw each other in the evenings for maybe an hour before I started falling asleep. But even that time was strained, and we hardly spoke. Something was bothering Jentry, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.

  I finished getting my room ready for the next week then grabbed my things. With one last look around the room, I shut off the lights and left. Not really paying attention to where I was going as I walked to my car or drove to the hospital, just thinking, worrying, stressing, and wondering . . .

  Wondering how I had gotten here. How I’d gotten myself into this mess, and thinking of what I could have done differently.

  I walked the familiar path in the hospital until I was at Declan’s door, and was prepared to be asked to come back at another time, but instead opened the door to find the room much as I would have a week ago: Declan alone in his bed, the rest of the room empty.

  Only now, Declan was awake. And instead of lying flat on the bed with tubes and wires running everywhere, he was sitting up, and free of anything connecting him to a machine.

  I faltered for a second at the door, and had to steady myself with the handle when the sight of his green eyes threw me off balance. For some ridiculous reason, I wanted to cry.

  “Hey!” I said with a pained whisper, and finished walking into the room. “It’s gonna take a while to get used to walking in here and find you looking at me,” I said as I hugged him gently, then took one of the seats near his bed. “How are you feeling?”

  For a long time, Declan didn’t say anything; he just sat there watching me. If I hadn’t heard him speak that first day, I would have worried that he couldn’t remember how.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t seen you since Sunday. I’ve tried to come but every time—”

  “I know,” he whispered, cutting me off. He smirked for a brief second. “They don’t let you see me, doesn’t mean I don’t hear you.”

  “Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about that. I still would have tried to come more often if it weren’t for school.”

  Declan looked at me blankly for a second, then blinked a few times. “School? Wow. I, uh, they said how long . . .” He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled uneasily. “Still weird. To me, you start school in a couple of weeks, you know? But I guess . . .”

  When a minute had passed without him continuing, I urged him to tell me everything that I had missed in the last five days. “What are the doctors saying? Therapists?”

  “I’m weak, but I can walk across the room before I have to sit down. I broke a couple of ribs. I guess you would know that.”

  I smiled, but didn’t interrupt.

  “I don’t know, they just keep saying I’m lucky, Rorie.”

  A startled laugh escaped me. “Yes. That is such an understatement, Dec. You went straight into a huge tree. No one could believe you’d survived the way you’d hit. With your coma, they told us to expect you not to know how to speak, or walk or write or eat
. You’re so lucky, we’re all so lucky that you’re okay.”

  He just nodded absentmindedly for a few moments, his eyes never leaving mine as he did.

  “What is it, Dec?”

  “You’re still not wearing your ring.”

  I froze at his sad, confused statement. Seconds ticked by as I tried to figure out the best thing to say, the best way to handle this. Because there was still Jessica, and I didn’t know what she would say, if she would say anything; but I knew that I wanted to be the one to tell Declan and his family. But at that moment the last thing I wanted was to hurt Declan all over again, and I didn’t want to stress him out when he was already so confused.

  But then I remembered the drive here, and how I had wondered what I could have done differently to keep myself from getting in this mess. And I wondered if tomorrow, when I looked back on today, I would wish I had done things differently in this conversation.

  Keeping that in mind, I took in a slow, deep breath and steeled myself.

  “Declan, what do you remember from the night of your accident? Between us, I mean.”

  “We got engaged,” he said immediately, robotically. “Then next thing I know, I was in this bed and looking up at you and Jentry.”

  My stomach churned and heart clenched painfully. “You remember getting engaged, or remember asking me to marry you?”

  His eyes never wavered from mine. “Asking, I guess. Why?”

  The door to the room opened, and I turned to follow Declan’s line of sight when his face went blank.

  My heart took off when a pair of obsidian eyes met mine, and it took all of my strength to stay in my seat and maintain my expression when I was actually yearning to find strength and take comfort in his arms.

  “Hey,” Jentry’s husky voice rumbled. “Mom and Dad will be here in a bit. Do you want me to wait and come back with them?”

  I opened my mouth, unsure of what would come out, but Declan’s voice filled the room instead. “No, man. Come on in.”

  Jentry took slow steps into the room as his eyes darted between Declan and me, staying on me longer and longer each time. “How you feeling, Dec?” he finally asked as he got closer to the bed.

  “Be better if I could figure out why my girl doesn’t wear her engagement ring,” Declan joked as he reached forward to take my hand in his, but his voice fell flat.

  When I looked back at Declan, he was watching Jentry the same way he’d been watching me earlier. I risked a quick glance at Jentry’s still form, and wished I hadn’t.

  It was Sunday all over again. Jentry had the same look in his eyes that he’d had that day, the one that had worried me. His body was rigid, as if he was waiting for something, but for some reason, I had a feeling he wasn’t waiting for me to tell Declan the truth. It felt like Jentry was waiting for me to tell him something he didn’t want to hear.

  I shook my head slowly, trying to push away the confusion that Jentry’s presence had brought, and cleared my throat. “Um, Dec . . . a lot happened between you asking me and your accident. I didn’t—”

  A quick knock sounded on the door before it opened, revealing a smiling nurse with a cheerful voice. “Okay, time for your exercises!” She walked around the room, moving certain things, oblivious to what she’d just walked in on. Without looking at Jentry and me, she said, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come back later. However, I’m not sure if Declan here will be up for visitors once we’re done.”

  I looked at her back blankly, and without realizing I was speaking, asked, “Could we just have a few more minutes?”

  She turned and squished up her face with fake sympathy. “No can do. I already gave ya an extra five minutes because I knew you were in here. You can come back tomorrow!”

  “Come on,” Jentry said softly, but firmly.

  I stood to leave, and after gently removing my hand from Declan’s, brushed the tips of my fingers over his arm. “I’ll be back,” I assured him as I turned, but stopped abruptly at his confused tone.

  “I apparently missed a few weeks, but what else did I miss that you’re just gonna leave without kissing me?”

  My wide eyes snapped up to Jentry’s, but he gave nothing away with his expression. After a few seconds, he looked over my head toward Declan, then turned and walked out of the room.

  I turned back to Declan, and guilt ate at me when I met his clear green eyes as I approached him and placed my hand against his warm cheek. “There is so much we have to talk about, and I swear we’ll go through all of it the next time I’m here.” I pressed my lips to his forehead and whispered, “I’m so glad you came back.”

  Before he could respond, I turned and left the room.

  I found Jentry walking slowly down the hall with his hands intertwined on the top of his head. I hurried to catch up with him, but didn’t look at him once I did.

  “Don’t—”

  “I only kissed his forehead,” I said, cutting him off.

  He released a harsh breath, as if relieved, but continued walking for a few seconds in silence. “It doesn’t matter.”

  My body jerked in surprise and my head snapped up to look at him, but he remained facing forward. “It doesn’t matter? What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?”

  Jentry turned suddenly and crowded me in the small hallway. “Because he loves you. My brother is in love with you, Aurora. Because he thinks you’re his goddamn fiancée. Because I still hate myself for doing this to him. Even more now than before!” He hissed, then stepped away and settled against the opposite wall.

  “Do you think I’ve somehow missed all of that? Do you think I somehow stopped hating myself?” I asked. “And yet, I am the one who is left having to break Declan’s heart . . . again.”

  “I can’t be the one to tell him that you aren’t engaged. That has to be you. If you go through with it, then I will gladly do the rest for you.”

  “Why do you say it like that? What do you mean if I go through with it? And why is it that lately it seems as if you’re hoping I won’t?”

  “Because—” He cut off quickly, and pressed his fist against his mouth, as if it would help keep his words from escaping. When he spoke again, they were nearly inaudible. “Because a part of me is still praying that you’ll be smart enough to leave.”

  And I knew . . . I knew who he meant. I knew that after all this time, after all our heartache, after all our hard decisions, he was still giving me chances to leave him.

  I searched his dark eyes. “Why do you do this? Why can’t you—God, Jentry, why can’t you see you the way I do?”

  When he removed his hand, his face was blank. “Let’s not talk about this now.”

  “Right,” I said sarcastically, “because it’s something you’ll have to explain later. Something that will help me understand you, something that I so desperately need. But that later will never come! Will it?”

  “Aurora . . .”

  “No, don’t,” I said through clenched teeth, and closed the distance between us. Pressing my hand roughly to his chest, I said, “I hurt, you hurt . . . right? Right?” I gritted out.

  “Aurora, you don’t—”

  “Then can’t you feel what you’re doing to me?” Not waiting for his response, I turned and left the hospital.

  Jentry

  I dropped my head back against the wall and stared blankly up at the ceiling until the fluorescent lights became too much to handle. I pushed from my spot on the wall and took a step in the direction that Aurora had just left, then froze.

  That girl clouded every one of my senses to the outside world, while heightening their receptiveness to her. Everything dulled around me until all I knew was her, what she made me feel, and what I needed and wanted from her. Nothing else mattered when Aurora was near. Nothing else existed.

  I had learned far too well how little I noticed of our surroundings during our time together at the beach, and was reminded of it that weekend when I hadn’t realized that Jess was in the apartment with us. I should h
ave reminded myself to pay more attention today.

  My stomach fell as I turned back to look at the two people I had caught a glimpse of, but didn’t have to wonder long about what all they had heard. Their shocked expressions said more than enough.

  For the first time in all the years I had known her, Mom was speechless.

  She lifted a finger and started to point it at me, then stopped and dropped her hand.

  Seconds ticked by, and all that passed between us were confused or disappointed looks, and a few head shakes from my dad.

  “How could you?” Mom finally said, her voice just above a whisper. “How could—what have you done? And with that . . . that—”

  “Don’t,” I said in warning, cutting her off. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t.” When neither of them said anything else, I asked the question I didn’t want the answer to. “How long were you there?”

  Mom huffed, the sound bordered on a shocked laugh.

  Dad pointed behind them as if he didn’t realize he was even moving. “We had been talking with the doctor. We knew Declan was about to have physical therapy, so we went to catch up with the two of you when we saw Rorie leave Declan’s room. You have a lot to explain, but this isn’t the place.”

  I nodded once, but still spoke. “This goes a lot deeper than what you just saw—and Declan knew. Before his accident, he knew.”

  Mom shut her eyes and held up her hand in a silent plea for me to stop talking. “Declan would have never done something like this to you. I can’t—I just can’t believe you would do this to him. And with her.”

  “Linda,” Dad said softly, but his tone still rang with authority.

  I opened my mouth to respond, but shut it and shook my head, knowing I would once again say things I might regret. Knowing they would follow, I turned and walked out of the hospital, and kept going into the parking lot.