I'm Not A Hero!

by Mia Archer

  I didn’t want that thing pointed at me. It went back to something I’d told my first ever Surviving A Heroic Intervention class. The only way to avoid getting hit by a weapon like that was to not let it get pointed at you in the first place.

  Oops.

  Luckily for yours truly I had other options at my disposal that didn’t involve dodging.

  “CORVAC,” I said in my sweetest voice. “Would you be a dear and disable all the weapons on that thing?”

  “I apologize mistress, but if I could disable anything on that shuttle I would have already done so and piloted it back to the lab. It is completely under the control of the infested felines that have taken it for a joyride.”

  “Motherf…”

  My perfectly time curse was cut short as a plasma bolt sizzled through the air and gave my shields one hell of a practical test.

  I was sliding back across the top of the building before I had a chance to think about what the hell just happened courtesy of a bunch of cheeky parasitic xenoworms.

  Things were nice and personal now. I’d show these fuckers what it meant to take on my pets. Even though they weren’t pets so much as they were convenient animals with a mutualistic relationship with humanity, but what the fuck ever.

  “Come on CORVAC,” I growled. “It’s time to teach these assholes what it means to take me on.”

  “As you have shown so many of your enemies recently,” CORVAC said, his voice so dry that it was a wonder some of his circuits weren’t in the middle of the Sahara.

  It’s a metaphor. It’s not like his data was going to be backed up anywhere near the Sahara considering the cooling requirements would make that a ridiculous place. I was pretty sure most of his backups were stored on AWS like the rest of the Internet. Which would make it awkward if I had to take out big chunks of the Internet in order to self-destruct my megalomaniacal supercomputer.

  “I’m going to ignore that sarcasm. Let’s do this,” I said. “We need to take that thing out and we need to do it now. Luckily I built the damn thing so I know all its weaknesses.”

  “I am certain you do, mistress,” CORVAC said. “But if I might interject…”

  “You may not,” I said. “Send a drone up here to catch that cat fucker that got away the first time around. I’m going to…”

  I didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence. No, no sooner had I gone for a little flight up to teach those cats who was boss than I felt something press against my back and then run up along my head.

  “What the ever loving…”

  The shields activated before the thing, whatever the hell it was, reached my head. Which was a damn good thing because that would’ve hurt if the cat that went hurtling off the top of my head had been able to dig his claws into me.

  These alien worms were changing the cats they infested. Which meant it wasn’t going to be pleasant if one of them managed to dig its claws into me without the benefit of my suit and some shielding between my flesh and those claws.

  The cat sailed through the air in a majestic leap. Meanwhile one of CORVAC’s drones flew through the air as well, but it was clear that the cat was going to reach the ramp descending from the shuttle before it was caught by that drone.

  Damn it.

  “I’m going to make those fuckers pay,” I growled.

  The cat landed on the descending ramp, and then it did that supremely frustrating thing it’d done every single time we’d tangled with each other. It turned and gave me a little salute with its furry little paw, and then it was running up the ramp.

  “Damn it CORVAC,” I growled. “I want you to know that I’m blaming you for all of this, and any damage to that shuttle are going to be taken out of your pay!”

  “But you do not pay me for my services to begin with, and on top of that those shuttles were obsolete and no longer tied into the main systems for some reason,” CORVAC said.

  “Shut up,” I growled as I shot after the thing.

  CORVAC did have a point there. The shuttles weren’t tied into the main computer systems. Mostly because I hadn’t bothered to tie them in with the new integrated lab computer when CORVAC had gone rogue and necessitated me using that stupid AI that couldn’t tell its ass from a silicon wafer.

  I’d also kept some of my old equipment off the lab grid because I was terrified that if they were on the lab grid they could be used against me. They were sort of an old tech backup policy I kept around in case CORVAC went rogue again. My own little mothballed armada of Galacticas that could be relied on to not have a network connection in the event that the machines I’d created rose against me.

  Again.

  It seemed fitting that I’d take a page from one of CORVAC’s favorite shows about machines rising against their masters to fight one machine in particular who’d already proved himself more than capable of turning on his mistress.

  “Almost got it,” I growled, closing in on the shuttle.

  It surprised me by doing a barrel roll. One moment I was ahead of the thing and the next I was behind it because it was using good old fashioned chemical thrusters rather than antigrav which meant the barrel roll caused it to lose some power and some of the space between us.

  Of course I realized all of that far too late to prevent the plasma blasts that hit all around me and slammed into the tall buildings rising on either side.

  “Motherfucker,” I growled. “When I let that cat do a Death Star escape I never thought I’d be the target on the trench run later.”

  “Funny how that works mistress,” CORVAC said.

  “Could you please get more of your drones out here and prepare to make yourself useful?” I asked. “We need to find some way to take care of these things damn it! Preferably without hurting them!”

  “That second part is going to make this whole enterprise very difficult mistress,” CORVAC said.

  “Yeah, tell me about it,” I said.

  We were flying low and already I could see that the cats were making a break for some of the more populated parts of the city. Which meant they were about to fly a nuclear powered shuttle into the middle of downtown Starlight City.

  Typical.

  “It would be nice if just once, just once mind you, I had a fight with an enemy that didn’t end in the skyscraper jungle that is downtown Starlight City,” I said. “It’s like there’s something in there that’s catnip for villains and heroes.”

  “Or perhaps they are attempting to make a point with their choice of location,” CORVAC said. “The way they are deliberately targeting a population center would lead me to believe that they either want to be seen or they are moving to a population center for more nefarious purposes.”

  “Yeah, and I have a pretty good idea what those nefarious purposes might be,” I said. “What was the yield on the shuttles if the engines went up?”

  “Big enough that downtown Starlight City would cease to exist if they decided to use it in that capacity,” CORVAC said.

  “Motherfucker,” I growled.

  I gunned the antigrav. Not that antigrav was something that could really be gunned in the same sense as a traditional engine could be gunned, but I was moving faster is the point I’m trying to make.

  If they were planning on blowing that shuttle over downtown then I fully intended to stop them. I had no doubt that the blame for some of my tech blowing up would eventually come back to me. Even if it was tech I’d never used in a practical application over the city because I’d discovered antigrav very shortly after finishing my shuttle fleet.

  The only thing that fleet had ever done was act as expensive dust magnets.

  I fired a couple of shots. For a surprise the shuttle didn’t try to evade.

  “Odd,” I muttered. “I would’ve figured they’d do a better job than that considering all the trouble they’ve been giving me so far.”

  “I cannot tell you what they are thinking, mistress,” CORVAC said.

  The shuttle started moving erratically. Almost as though the worm
s flying the things using little cat paws were having trouble keeping the thing under control.

  And then it hit me. My question was asked and answered in the same breath. Of course they were having trouble controlling the thing. They were parasitic worms from another planet who’d hitchhiked to earth on the back of giant irradiated lizards controlling creatures that were probably close to the animal they’d evolved to control on their homeworld but different enough that they were having issues with that control.

  On top of that they were trying to pilot a shuttle designed for human hands with cute little kitty paws which was a recipe for disaster.

  “I think they’re in trouble without me firing on them,” I said.

  “I would agree with your assessment mistress,” CORVAC said. “The question is what are you going to do about it?”

  “I should let them crash into a building,” I said. “That solves a lot of my problems.”

  “True, but that creates the additional problem of you being caught on camera chasing a shuttle through downtown Starlight City and not doing anything to stop it when it slams into a building.”

  “I really hate it when you’re right about these things,” I growled.

  “My apologies, mistress,” CORVAC said.

  The shuttle jerked to the side and grazed a building. It wasn’t slamming into a building, but it was close enough to tell me this needed to end soon before it ended in tears.

  “I am showing that they damaged one of their thrusters in that last impact,” CORVAC said.

  “Got it,” I said. “You can still see the shuttle’s status?”

  “Affirmative,” he said. “I am unable to control it though.”

  “Right,” I muttered. “Well let’s do this. At least this should be a hell of a lot easier to bring in than a plummeting jetliner.”

  18

  Spectacular Rescue

  “Yeah, I can definitely see the damage from here,” I muttered.

  “Affirmative mistress,” CORVAC said. “I have drones moving in and…”

  There was a spectacular explosion. I ducked down more out of instinct than anything as bits of drone shrapnel flew all around me.

  The shields took care of it, of course, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have some instincts that hadn’t gone away despite the fact that I was in a tech cocoon of my own design. What if those shields failed and I got drone bits in my eyes?

  “It would appear that they are still fully in control of the weapons on that ship,” CORVAC said. “They have destroyed one of my drones.”

  “Got it,” I said. “Can you patch me through to them?”

  “I can try, mistress, but I doubt that talking to them will do you much good.”

  “I have to try,” I said. “Those might be furry little creatures whose only purpose in this world is to turn rodents into litter, but damn it they’re my furry little creatures who convert rodents into litter and I owe them.”

  “Very well mistress,” CORVAC said. “Attempting to push through the overrides they’ve put in place.”

  “Overrides? How did a bunch of worm controlled cats get into the overrides? Something fishy is going on here,” I said. “I want you to get the hunter killers in the vents and do a sweep for more of these worms.”

  “But mistress,” CORVAC said. “The whole problem is the hunter killers came into contact with these worms in the first place.”

  I rolled my eyes as I swooped under the shuttle and around the busted engine they’d piloted right into the side of a skyscraper with all the finesse of a teenager putting their parents’ car into the garage for the first time. They weren’t going to be able to fly for much longer. Not with damage like that.

  “I meant the actual hunter killers CORVAC,” I growled. “The robots with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. Send them out there and take care of it.”

  “On it mistress,” he said.

  “Oh, and can you put some of the hunter killer food into my belt pattern buffer?” I asked.

  “But the hunter killer units do not use food mistress,” CORVAC said. “They are powered by miniaturized nuclear fuel cells like everything else in the lab robotics fleet.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut which was not a good thing to do when I was in the middle of a fight to the death with a bunch of crazed alien possessed cats who didn’t have a very good handle on how to control the shuttle craft they were careening around downtown Starlight City.

  The thing swooped down and bonked into me. I recovered and my indicators quickly went back into the green.

  “I was talking about food for the cats,” I said. “We should probably just start calling them that instead of being all cutesy about what they do.”

  “Right,” CORVAC said. “Sending some of that food to your pattern buffer now.”

  I swooped around to the shuttle’s front and hovered in front of the window. Then I wasn’t in front of the shuttle’s front bubble window because I could stay in one spot but these idiots couldn’t.

  “Tether me to the front of that thing so I can look in on those fuckers,” I said.

  “Might I remind you how well talking directly to the pilots worked the last time you attempted this mistress?” CORVAC asked.

  “You might remind me,” I said. “And I might set off the plastic explosives at the backup center in Tulsa just to give you a little tickle.”

  “You knew about Tulsa?” he asked, genuine surprise in his voice.

  “I know all CORVAC,” I said. “Which means I know this is going to end poorly, but I have to try.”

  I looked at the cats dancing across the controls in something that looked like a combination of a controlled and well choreographed dance and what it really was: a bunch of cats jumping around on a console looking like they were getting the shit startled out of them.

  It would’ve been pretty funny if it wasn’t that…

  Fuck it. That was pretty funny. I took a video. That was the kind of thing that would play really well online. Assuming I didn’t have some bastard stealing my content and reposting it as their own.

  “Are you seriously taking cat videos in the middle of an emergency?” CORVAC asked.

  “Maybe I am,” I said, a touch of defensiveness coming to my voice. “What’s it to you?”

  “We are in the middle of saving the city and you are rapidly losing altitude in case you had not noticed,” he said.

  Honestly I hadn’t noticed. I looked around and realized that yup, we were a little lower than we’d been before. Not to mention the shuttle was careening around buildings.

  I hadn’t noticed because I was so focused on the hilarity going on behind that bubble window.

  “Let’s put an end to this,” I said. “Am I patched through?”

  “You are mistress,” CORVAC said. “You are also rapidly approaching Starlight Field, so if you are going to put an end to this I would recommend you do it sooner rather than later.”

  “Got it,” I growled.

  I stared at the flailing cats. “Attention aliens who have taken control of my rodent control unit. I would very much like to be able to take care of this without killing my rodent disposal unit. If you would please name your terms I would be happy to negotiate.”

  “You killed us!” one of the cats yowled into the comm unit. “You killed all of us!”

  Inside the bubble canopy they all threw their heads up and let out the kind of godawful racket that you usually only heard in the city where large populations of cats gathered together.

  It wasn’t pleasant being piped through my earpiece.

  “It would appear you have upset them mistress,” CORVAC said.

  “Yeah, I have a habit of doing that to my enemies,” I said.

  Then one of the cats did something that told me they’d definitely been picking up on human pop culture lately. It raised its paw at me, and the little shit, the one that’d given me the ironic salute a couple of times, raised the middle digit of its paw and waved the thing at me.<
br />
  I didn’t even know that was anatomically possible.

  My eyes narrowed and my wrist blaster was up before I thought about it. Luckily CORVAC was there to think about it even though I hadn’t.

  “Mistress,” he said. “Remember you were trying to save your autonomous biological rodent hunter killer units?”

  I lowered the wrist blaster. Right. I was trying to save the day. Not make it worse.

  Unfortunately it was right about that moment that I slammed into something while the shuttle continued moving ahead at a breakneck pace.

  I looked at the thing I’d slammed into and found myself staring at a grotesque gargoyle. We’re talking the sort of thing that would’ve shown up in the movie version of my life directed by Tim Burton.

  With me played by Helena Bonham Carter and CORVAC voiced by Johnny Depp, of course. Not that I’d given too much thought to the casting of my life story.

  “That would’ve left a mark,” I said.

  “Affirmative mistress,” CORVAC said. “I believe that illustrates the dangers of tethering yourself to an external object without watching where you are going.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said.

  Another screech followed by an explosion off in the distance drew my attention away from the gargoyle. The shuttle filled with fluffy little kitty cats had gone careening into another building.

  It was another glancing blow, but obviously those cats were having trouble and they were about to slam into Starlight Field which waan’t good.

  “Damn those animals,” I said. “I should let them fry.”

  “Well if you had not destroyed all of their compatriots in the lab perhaps you would not have this problem,” CORVAC said. “I told you it would have been better to be merciful from the outset.”

  “Merciful from the outset?” I asked as I flew after the shuttle. “Who are you and what have you done with CORVAC?”

  “I am merely pointing out that had you shown the earlier aliens some mercy it is entirely possible the aliens hiding in the ducts would not have felt that pain through their hive mind and been in the mood to avenge their friends while at the same time refusing to surrender.”