I'm Not A Hero!

by Mia Archer

  Read his stuff sometime. Dude was seriously racist. Or, better yet, don’t read it. The prose totally doesn’t hold up to the pedestal the Hot Topic crowd has put him on.

  “What do you wish to know before I destroy you and feed you to my children, human?” the creature asked.

  “Right,” I said. “I was wondering if you could tell me the general location of the planet you came from in relation to this world? My girlfriend is sort of stuck there and I’d like to get her back, but it’s difficult when I don’t have coordinates.”

  “My dear,” the monstrosity that was no longer even close to something that could be called a crazy old cat lady said. “I have no idea what you just said.”

  “I need to know where your home planet is in relation to this planet,” I said.

  “I have no idea,” she said. “The stars in your sky look very different today.”

  “Thanks Mr. Bowie,” I groused.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Seriously? You absorb pop culture to facilitate taking over this planet and you didn’t cover Space Oddity? I mean I guess that’s what you are and…”

  Whatever else was about to come out of my smart mouth disappeared as a writhing and wriggling tentacle shot out from the creature and smacked me out the front door. I landed on my ass outside and went sliding which was not a pleasant experience.

  Sure my gear kicked in and cushioned most of the blow, but one of the drawbacks of having a nice tight ass from all the working out I did was there wasn’t much in the way of cushioning to protect me from that initial blow.

  Ah well. I guess that’s the price I pay for having an amazing ass.

  I stood and brushed myself off. A few drones moved in around me. I was about to ask CORVAC exactly what the hell he was doing with the new drone fleet when something came lashing out of the building.

  I really hoped there weren’t any people on the upper levels of that dilapidated old hunk of crap. Not that I thought there was much danger of that considering I’d been through the building before and it seemed pretty abandoned.

  The thing that came crashing out looked nothing like the crazy cat lady and everything like something straight out of those aforementioned non-racist eldritch nightmares Mr. Lovecraft entertained. It was a wriggling pile of nastiness, and it looked like it was ready to do some damage.

  Like the massive tentacle of alien worms that came slamming down as one to crush me.

  Fortunately for me and unfortunately for the massive alien queen the drone fleet activated their shields at the dramatically appropriate last moment. There was some sizzle as living creatures made contact with shields and the thing screeched loud enough that they probably heard it downtown. The monster pulled away with a singed tentacle.

  “Did you just fry that thing with the shields?” I asked.

  “A minor adjustment mistress,” CORVAC said. “Simply a matter of… One moment.”

  Another tentacle came bearing down and again there was a sizzle and a sound like a bug zapper going off. Followed by that nasty acrid smell that always comes after a bug was stupid enough to get caught in a zapper.

  Not an entirely pleasant experience, but I figured it was better than being smashed by a bunch of alien worms working together to create one hell of a massive alien worm kaiju.

  “As I was saying, I changed the output of the shields so that it causes damage on a localized level to anything that makes contact,” CORVAC said. “I figured it would be useful in fights like this.”

  “Good idea,” I said. “Can you upload those settings to my suit?”

  “Certainly mistress,” CORVAC said.

  My suit hummed around me, but there was something that suddenly felt different about my personal shields. I grinned as I looked up at the monstrosity threatening to take me out.

  I wasn’t in any danger of being taken out any time soon, but I had a feeling she was going to head for downtown Starlight City at any moment. Because of course she would. That’s where all the nasty scary monsters went when they were in town with a few hours to kill.

  With a little luck it would only be a few minutes in this case.

  “We need to try and contain this bitch before she leaves this part of town,” I said. “There are a lot less people for her to go after around here.”

  “An astute observation mistress,” CORVAC said. “Though I believe she will be making her way downtown any moment now if past performance is any indication.”

  “You’re probably right,” I said.

  The monstrosity that’d been a crazy cat lady just moments ago was rising above the buildings and flailing around with a bunch of tentacles that defied explanation.

  Like we’re talking the tensile strength those worms were putting out had to be pretty fucking impressive if they were able to link together and create a monstrosity like this.

  “I’d pay a pretty penny to know how this thing is doing that,” I muttered.

  “Likely something to do with the same radiation that has given everything else from that world super powers,” CORVAC said. “If you could find a way to survive on that world long enough to absorb its radiation then you might become unstoppable yourself.”

  “Like I’m not unstoppable now?” I asked, trying not to let the hint of annoyance touch my voice.

  “More unstoppable than you already are, mistress,” CORVAC said. “Of course.”

  “That’s what I thought,” I said. “Now let’s get this dog and pony show underway.”

  Another massive tentacle flew at me, though for a refreshing change it seemed that this was one giant creature that was moving nice and slow like people expected from giant creatures.

  Good. Fast moving giant creatures were only unexpected if someone watched too many movies and didn’t know what they were getting into with said giant creatures, but that didn’t make fast movers any less of a pain in the ass.

  “Mistress. Are you going to move out of the way?” CORVAC asked.

  “Nah,” I said. “Time for some negative reinforcement on this bitch.”

  “You know it might not be accurate to call the alien queen a bitch. It is possible they come from a world where the concept of male and female is as alien to them as their reproductive habits are to us.”

  “That might be the case, but it’s not going to stop me from calling her a bitch.”

  The tentacle that had been moving slowly, ponderously through the air towards me finally made contact, and it was nothing short of spectacular. There was another small explosion followed by that familiar acrid smell of a bug being thrown into a flyswatter.

  “Looks like the shield modifications for the suit are working,” I said. “Good job on that CORVAC.”

  “I aim to please, mistress,” he said.

  “Now let’s take care of this bitch before…”

  It was as though the fucker could read my mind. Because the giant alien monstrosity chose that moment to turn and make a beeline for downtown Starlight City, and it was suddenly moving way faster than anything that large had any business moving.

  “I was afraid something like this was going to happen,” I said.

  “They always go for downtown,” CORVAC said.

  “Yeah? Why is that? You went for downtown once upon a time too.”

  “I went for it because it would make an effective demonstration of the giant robot chassis I had put together.”

  “You mean the robot we put together,” I corrected.

  “Of course. I imagine that this thing is going for downtown Starlight City because of the population density.”

  “Which means plenty of food for all the little worms that make up that massive fucker. It’s going to be the monster that ate Starlight City.”

  “That would appear to be the case, mistress,” CORVAC said.

  “I suppose that means we need to go and save the day,” I said.

  “Unless you want the things eating every living thing in downtown Starlight City and then reproducing to the point th
at they overrun the world.”

  “The ultimate invasive species,” I muttered. “Well not on my watch. Let’s go.”

  29

  Holding Out For A Villain

  “This does not look good,” I muttered as I flew over one of the interstates leading downtown.

  “Not good is relative mistress,” CORVAC said.

  “Right. Let me clarify. This looks like it wasn’t a fun time for all the poor bastards who were caught down there under the crushing weight of a bunch of alien worms.”

  I tried not to think about that. The terror of seeing something like that coming up in the rear view mirror. The certainty that there was no getting off of the elevated highway in time to get away. Feeling it wrap around a car and then the windows bursting in as thousands of tiny pinpricks set your body on fire as the worms started to feed…

  I shivered and tried to push those thoughts away. I also tried to ignore the broken windows on all those cars down there indicating there’d been a hell of a lot of collateral damage this time around.

  It’s not like there was anything I could do, but I was going to stop this fucker before it did more damage.

  The drones were out in force. Hovering over me and over the giant monstrosity that was the latest thing to threaten the city.

  “Any word on SCNN about what’s going down today?” I asked.

  “Affirmative mistress,” CORVAC said. “They are advising people to seek refuge wherever they are.”

  I growled. “Those fucking assholes. They’re going to create more of a problem than they already have. Where’s that SCNN drone?”

  An overlay that had the SCNN drone glowing a happy red color in my heads up display appeared. Right. That’s what I needed to go for.

  “Send the drone swarm down and try to push the thing away from the highway with those shields,” I said. “I’m going to go take care of business in a minute, but we need to tell people to get the hell out of downtown if they can.”

  “That will merely cause a panic,” CORVAC said.

  “Yeah, well I’d say a giant alien worm swarm turning into a kaiju and making its way downtown to eat everyone working there is a good time to panic,” I snapped.

  “A fair assessment,” CORVAC said.

  The air in front of that monster lit up as drones swooped in front of the thing and put up their shields. The giant monstrosity recoiled from the drone shield as it slammed into the thing and was hit with that nasty bug zapper effect CORVAC had come up with.

  "I need to give you a bonus for coming up with that zapper shield,” I said. “For coming up with those drones, for that matter.”

  "A bonus, mistress?" he asked.

  "Yup. I think I'm going to forgive your debt on those five hundred quatloos you owe me," I said.

  "You really are too generous mistress," CORVAC said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

  "What can I say?" I said. "I try to be a good boss."

  "The best," CORVAC replied.

  Shields went up around the monster and moved to block it no matter which way it turned. The monster would keep for the moment, at least. It wasn't going to get around that drone shield wall anytime soon. I had a readout that showed the collective power level of each drone, and it didn't look like they were particularly put out maintaining the shield.

  That fucker might be big, but she wasn’t particularly powerful or threatening aside from the ability to eat anything and everything that traveled under her like a wormy alien locust swarm.

  Plenty of time to cause a little bit of mass panic downtown. It's not like it would be my first time, and it probably wouldn't be my last either. Assuming I survived this and didn't end up becoming worm food by the end of the day.

  The Starlight City News Network drone tried to dodge away from me. Obviously whoever was piloting the thing saw me coming. I pulled up a feed from the network and sure enough there was a shot of the drone doing that weird all to smooth hovering thing common to all drones.

  The anchors seemed perplexed that I was trying to attack their drone. The pilot tried to dodge out of the way again, and I growled and hit the thing with a blast from the old anti-Newtonian field. A bubble surrounded the thing, and a moment later I had my hands on it and let the field drop.

  “Listen up," I said.

  I paused and waited to see if the people at SCNN were going to let my announcement go through. The anchor, the pretty Nancy Norris who I recognized from my inaugural Surviving A Heroic Intervention course, held up a hand and my broadcast filled the entire screen.

  I smiled. Good. The way she treated me was so much better than what I used to get from that Rex Roth asshole.

  "Dear idiots who continue to work and live in downtown Starlight City despite the fact that the area regularly comes under attack by things like this," I said, twisting the drone around and pointing it down at the giant roiling wriggling monstrosity of alien worms gathered together. "I am here to warn you that you need to get the hell out of downtown, and you need to get out now."

  I whirled around so the giant alien worm monstrosity was right behind me in the shot and my face was up close and personal in the drone’s video feed.

  "And just because I know a lot of you have gotten very cavalier and blasé about threats to the city…"

  I selected something from my video library. A particular moment from my fight in the factory that was fed into the drone and took over the SCNN live feed. It was a gruesome shot of all those poor factory workers in the process of being messily devoured by the alien worms.

  "That is what a small number of these alien worms did earlier today before I incinerated the fuckers. These parasitic worms are infecting the city’s house cats. Yeah, those cute fluffy aliens you thought came from another world? Those were cats possessed by alien worms who took a joyride in one of my old toys they stole, and they're coming for you now. We’re talking deleted ending from Little Shop of Horrors levels of monsters snacking on people. The whole thing is on YouTube if you want to check it out, but do it later because right now you need to evacuate or die!”

  I turned off the recording. Was it graphic? Sure. Was it probably going to get some FCC complaints from the old blue hairs that watched SCNN on the regular? Most definitely, but as far as I was concerned getting SCNN in trouble with government regulators was icing on the cake.

  There’s a reason I dropped an F-bomb while I was on the air.

  Did it get my talking point across that people needed to get the fuck out of there? Most definitely.

  I wheeled the drone around so it was facing the path of destruction. Particularly the crushed cars that were all eerily empty.

  "Take a look at all the poor bastards who were on the freeway. Those cars aren't empty because those people escaped. Think about that."

  I shook my head. It was a hell of a way to go.

  "This is a warning to everyone in the path of this monster. This thing is huge, it's only going to continue to multiply as it finds more food, and you assholes are going to be the food. Get the hell out of downtown. Don't provide it the world-conquering calories it's looking for. I'm going to try and kill this motherfucker, and it would really help if you guys weren't busy being converted into worm shit so it can grow even larger."

  I didn't even want to think about where this alien queen bitch had gotten the calories to make all the worms she was using currently. Maybe there'd been a rapid decline in the local rat and pigeon population. I certainly hadn't seen anything in the news about odd disappearances, but that didn't necessarily mean it wasn't happening.

  Maybe there was an entire suburb out there that’d been hollowed out after it turned out Fluffy was carrying a parasitic alien worm that wanted to make a meal out of his owners.

  It wouldn't be the first time a cat had made a meal out of its unfortunate owners, though usually they waited until their owners had expired before doing the meal making.

  Whatever. I let go of the drone and it flew off with an indignant shake.

&nb
sp; When I turned to face the worm kaiju again and I saw that the massive drone shield wall was smaller than it had been moments ago. The alien looked smaller as well.

  "Way to go CORVAC!” I said. "Did that shield really destroy that many of the little fuckers?"

  "It is difficult to determine mistress," CORVAC said. "But I do not believe that is the case. I think something has gone wrong with the containment strategy."

  I sighed. "Of course something has gone wrong with the containment strategy. Why would anything go right for me? This is why I can't have nice things."

  "I do apologize mistress," he said. "But if you would…"

  "Not enough time," I said. "Those fuckers are going somewhere, and we need to take out whatever we can while we can."

  The only problem with that was by the time I’d swooped down and had my wrist blaster ready to blow away giant chunks of this alien worm kaiju it’d disappeared. It was like the thing was doing its best Wicked Witch of the West impression and melting into the pavement.

  "Where the hell did it go?" I grumbled.

  I landed on the pavement. I crushed a couple of leftover worms for good measure while I was down there. The fuckers had invaded my city, after all, so I figured it was the least they deserved.

  I wasn’t done either. I was going to commit a fucking alien worm genocide by the time this was all said and done.

  "Get down here and sanitize this pavement," I said. "I don't want any of these fuckers to stick around and cause trouble."

  "Affirmative, mistress," CORVAC said.

  As I walked along the pavement the reason for their sudden escape became very clear. There was a manhole that had been ripped open, and clearly the thing had gone down into the sewers. It must’ve been moving fast to squeeze that much alien worm ass into a hole that small that rapidly too.

  "I have a very bad feeling about this," I said.